How important is the RING?!

[girlfriday]

He has to go through all these things without having a sign from you to show off to the world. If men are intellectually capable of doing so, why shouldn't a woman be able in the same way.

 

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with wanting the traditional proposal, but let's all be honest about the motivation and the imbalance between the genders.

 

I agree about the imbalance. But sometimes the imbalance works for some people. It's not like I'm a dependent GF or anything. He genuinely wanted to do a formal proposal because he believes in it. I, on the other hand, would rather just talk about it seriously and formalized our commitment. The simplest way to formalize at this point is a ring. Otherwise, I am still "just a girlfriend". Whether this means anything to anyone else but us or not, I don't know but I moved in with him. I would never move in with anyone without feeling that devotion. He knows this. I think it's fair if he showed me a form of commitment back.

[FathomFear]

I would never move in with anyone without feeling that devotion. He knows this. I think it's fair if he showed me a form of commitment back.

 

I think he showed that commitment by inviting you to move in. Just as you wouldn't "move in with anyone without feeling that devotion," I suspect he wouldn't open his door to anyone without feeling the same thing.

[girlfriday]

I think he showed that commitment by inviting you to move in. Just as you wouldn't "move in with anyone without feeling that devotion," I suspect he wouldn't open his door to anyone without feeling the same thing.

 

He moved in with his last gf and did not want to marry her at all....

[Puddincup]

An update:

 

I had a brief chat about this when we were in bed yesterday. I asked what do you see us doing in the next two years? His response was aligned with mine (in terms of goals for our respective businesses) and he said he sees us being married but he doesn't know what sort of wedding we should have. I told him he has to talk about these thoughts with me because I'm part of that future and it's fair that I know too. He then asked me what I see happening and I was pretty much on the same page however, I mentioned buying a place in a year or year and half and and getting married. He said he saw that happening sooner than that............I don't know. We will have to talk about it while we aren't falling asleep!

 

I think this conversation was good. It sounds like you two are more on the same page than you thought.

 

As far as the ring is concerned, I understand that it is more about a sign of commitment versus a piece of jewelry. In the end though, it is just a ring, just like a marriage certificate is just a piece of paper. The commitment is either there or it isn't. Right?

[ellie1202]

proposing, even if he knows you're going to say yes, is scary. it's a big deal. i'm sure he sees it happening in a certain way. maybe he want to wait until he has the money to buy the ring he wants or there's some other milestone he feels he needs to make before he asks you. it's good that you both have the same goals. as long as those remain the same i would say try and take a deep breath and be excited about the prospect of the proposal. enjoy him and your relationship.

 

and to the people who say go ahead and ask him, i think that's perfect advice and every woman should feel comfortable enough in her relationship to do the asking. however, i was listening to a story on the radio a few weeks ago about a woman who was tired of waiting and went ahead and proposed. turns out he had a proposal all planned out and she just couldn't wait long enough. as old fashioned as it is many men still want to be able to say i proposed to her and here's how.

 

i know from experience (i'm waiting on my boyfriend too, i could probably take a dose of the advice i'm giving ) how hard it can be to wait, but it will be worth it in the end!

[girlfriday]

thanks ellie1202

 

I do feel that he wants to plan some sort of proposal despite how I've mentioned it makes me slightly uncomfortable and I don't need some formal proposal. It's a little contrived to me but at the same time if he feels that's what he needs to do (he's kind of traditional in that sense) I would be happy with it (compromise right?) as long as it's not done all dramatic and romantic and PUBLIC like. Public proposals are awkward LOL.

 

Anyway, I am going to simply wait it out. I have lots of other things on my mind at the moment and I feel like it's taken a back seat now to my life. He tends to take a long time to do anything...

[girlfriday]

This issue is still on my mind. I have thought more about why I think the principle of the ring is important to me. I need him to show his commitment because I feel like I have devoted and exposed my own loyalties to him. There is nothing wrong with this but I feel like I've come all the way and he's come halfway. I suppose this is the classic "Why buy the cow when the milk is free" story....

 

At the end of the night, I am happy to be with him and happy we are committed to one another but part of me feels as though my commitments and loyalties have been dismissed or put on hold due to inconvenience. It feels sort of cheap that I had mentioned all those things to him but at the same time I feel like if I didn't tell him I'll be playing the same game with a different name.

 

I want to ditch the whole idea of marriage behind now to make my life easier

[city_guy09]

The ring itself isn't important. If you need the ring to feel that he's showing commitment, then you're not in a relationship with a firm commitment in the first place. You should know, and the ring should be an accessory to that fact if anything. If you don't feel it without needing him to do that, it's not right.

[eggplant47]

Exactly! For me, a ring is about a man putting his money where his mouth is. And when I say this I don't mean that a man has to have a lot of money or spend a lot on a ring. I just know that I and several of my girlfriends have gone through relationships with men we loved saying "oh yeah, baby! We'll get married...someday!" and it never happens.

 

One of my friends was absolutely humiliated when she went to talk to her parents about a wedding budget and suddenly her "fiance" revealed that his ringless proposal wasn't actually any too serious.

 

True, I wasn't entitled to my simple, sensible engagement ring just because I was the woman in the relationship... But it was something nice my husband did for me. It meant a lot to my very traditional parents and it is now the one object that holds the most sentimental value for me!

 

Oops! This was supossed to be attached to GF's quote from 3/16!

[girlfriday]

Thanks for the comments everyone. I've let this topic slip my mind for the time being. I ready some articles in Psychology Today about relationships. I know that our relationship is strong and happy and I'm too focused on my school to really want for anything else.

 

The one thing men always complain about is about "WHY" they need to give a girl a ring etc etc...that they should do it on their own time. Well, I agree with that to an extent but there's another person in the relationship too. When men say things like "I want to marry you...one day we will get married" and women believe it...and nothing comes out of it....it makes everything else men say kind of meaningless afterwards.

[Batya33]

For me personally there is no official engagement - intention to marry - without a ring and a wedding date. The ring was important to me as a symbol of our commitment. I offered to buy him a watch as my engagement gift to him (which he still needs to pick out, almost 2 years later, lol). My husband also felt that the ring was important. For me, personally, the engagement and the marriage made our relationship feel different than before - more permanent, more serious, and more like a family. A small part of that is because other people treat and regard you differently once you're married (and even when you're engaged) but that was just a small part of it.

[hexaemeron]

Thanks for the comments everyone. I've let this topic slip my mind for the time being. I ready some articles in Psychology Today about relationships. I know that our relationship is strong and happy and I'm too focused on my school to really want for anything else.

 

The one thing men always complain about is about "WHY" they need to give a girl a ring etc etc...that they should do it on their own time. Well, I agree with that to an extent but there's another person in the relationship too. When men say things like "I want to marry you...one day we will get married" and women believe it...and nothing comes out of it....it makes everything else men say kind of meaningless afterwards.

 

You're absolutely right. But that door swings both ways. It could just as easily say "I spent so much money on a ring to make my girlfriend my wife, and she left me for another man." Not only does he lose his wife, but he loses how ever much money he was dumb enough to spend on "a symbol of their committment".