What should I do about this girl?

[RoadRage]

I've known this girl for a bit over 6 months, and I really like her. So at the end of last year I told her how I felt, and she basically said she wasn't ready for a relationship, that she was afraid of getting hurt...

 

But then we started doing lots of one-on-one things together - although they were never called dates or thought of as dates, I thought maybe I should give this another go.

 

So about a month ago I find out that in fact she knows that I still like her. So I send her an letter telling her how I feel, and urging her to just give a relationship a go.

 

So we met up to chat about it about 3 weeks ago. She told me that all of her friends think that we should give a relationship a go. She even said that part of her really wanted to, but at the end of the day she was too afraid, and she felt that this fear and anxiety would cause the relationship to fail. But she's never been in a relationship before, and I tried to convince her of that...

 

Anyway, we decided we'd talk about it again, and the day before yesterday we did.

 

She tells me that although all of her friends are urging her to give it a go, and although part of her wants to give it a go, she feels she just can't go through with it. She says that she's 'happy' being single, and that she 'knows' that if she enters a relationship she'll be constantly stressed and upset. (which I really don't understand how she can think that). And she says that because she 'knows' she'll be constantly stressed and upset, that the relationship won't work out.

 

But we're really good friends. We get along really well, we enjoy spending time with each-other, and we both really trust each-other - and she agrees with all of this.

 

What should I do? I don't want to give up, knowing that part of her wants to give this a go (even if its only a small part)... I want to convince her that we would be good together, and that it would be worth giving it a go. She's never had a boyfriend, so I just don't understand where she is getting all these assumptions and fears from...

 

She said that whenever she's with me part of her really thinks that we should give it a go, but whenever we're not together she always gets those feelings of fear and dread... and I guess that's why she's said 'no''..

 

any ideas as to what I should do? I know most of you will say 'give up', but I don't want to... hypothetically, if I were to give this one more go, when and how do you think I should do it? Should I wait a few months, or more, or less?

[Theblueman123]

She's lying to you, the fact is that you're a "wuss" and she doesn't "feel it" with you. If you want to learn how to attract women, and NOT be a player, then check out a guy named David DeAngelo. Just sign up for this email newsletter and you should be on your way to learning how to attract women.

 

Mold it to fit your needs, but it helps build a base to start. You'll thank me later.

[simply]

Don't push it with her, just drop the topic of dating, and keep up with the one on one outings, or nondates, which ever you wanna call it. Allow nature to take it's course sorta speak, you don't have to talk about it, but you can still imply it by making a move on her.

 

Otherwise she's just full of shyte and stringing you along. Don't hold your breath on this one, just do what your doing, (if you like her that much) and when the time is right, make a move, be agreessive, take charge of the situation. Otherwise your wasting our time.

[PUAtheist]

Hmmm. From a distance I'd say she isn't sure about you as a potential boyfriend. Women tend to come up with any sort of rational-sounding excuses when they are not sure about a guy. They want to avoid hurting your feelings but still make sure they create space between you and them. If they really feel they must have you, usually they will work to make the relationship happen.

 

I'm sure you're a good guy. It sounds like you're there for her, show her a good time, you're good company and you're honest and trustworthy. Good women want those things in a guy ! I'm sure she sees that, and that's what sways her towards you when she is with you. You have to imagine, just like it feels quite magical to spend time with a girl you just really like, to women it's the same. When they're with a guy who displays a lot of the things they look for in a man, they can get quite spellbound by your presence.

 

But when they get away from you, that spell of your live presence isn't there and she can reflect on the relationship she has with you at the moment. Then it might occur to her that there is something missing which she wants and needs.

Could be that your type is just not what she really wants in her heart of hearts.(We all have our preferences. Maybe her heart is just set on black guys but you happen to be white...) If that's so, in my experience there is very little you can do about it but accept it and move on.

 

But to be honest, your post sounds to me like you have little "game" going on, as they call it. So to her you're a guy who came to her, turned out to be a nice guy but then just, in a way, poured out his feelings to her and is now expecting her to change her life all around without her really having asked for it. Think, if you were quite content with the way your life is going, if then a woman came up to you and did that to you, pressuring you to let her become a part of your life, even if she was cute and nice,

would you not at least want to think about it, feel things out, check with your original goals, think about what you were looking for in a woman and how things feel with her, etc. ..? Maybe you've heard about guys who get irritated with women who pressure them to marry them. It happens to us like it happens to women.

So maybe this will help you understand your lady.

 

So, I'd say, give her space. Keep showing her that you keep on wanting her, but don't crowd her and don't put pressure on her. Keep on flirting with her, tease her a bit, be there for her, but NOT too much !!! Show her you're man with his own life and that you do not need her, even though you want to be with her. Consider that all the good things you can offer her, your strength, your male presence, your affection for her, are precious gifts that you don't just want to throw at her. We all value more what we believe is more valuable and what we can't have so easily. So make her want to work for them !! Make yourself more rare, but when you are with her, be the best guy you can be. Then give her space again. Make her see that you want her but that you DON'T need her.

...Lead her. You say when you have time for her, not the other way around. And when she turns you down, don't go "aww why not ??" but accept her decision gracefully. That will show her that you respect her as well as yourself and that you don't need her.

 

If you would indeed be her type, then behaving like this - as a man in control - might well make her want to work for you.

Remember that women want to be a part of a great man's life and not have a little man be part of their life. They want to work to play that part in a man's life.

YOU are the man, so think of yourself that way and act accordingly ! Prize yourself more and let her work for you.

 

Finally, I believe you can start turning things around with your lady by showing her one last excellent time in a while, the next time you get a chance to. Then dissappear for some time. Reduce calls and texts and don't see her, even turn meetings down if she suggests it, and just act like you cooled off a bit. That might well make her wonder about the sudden change and start to think if maybe you are after all worth working for.

Then, some time later, try to get together with her again but keep your cool a bit more.

Let her contribute equally to the connection you both have. Show her you want her but that it won't be for free, and that if she doesn't follow up, you WILL go and find somebody else. All the while keep showing her that you also still are the same good guy she knows, but make her realize it comes with a price tag !

 

How's that for some advice ? Ok, rant over now.

Good luck !

[RoadRage]

Don't push it with her, just drop the topic of dating, and keep up with the one on one outings, or nondates, which ever you wanna call it. Allow nature to take it's course sorta speak, you don't have to talk about it, but you can still imply it by making a move on her.

 

Otherwise she's just full of shyte and stringing you along. Don't hold your breath on this one, just do what your doing, (if you like her that much) and when the time is right, make a move, be agreessive, take charge of the situation. Otherwise your wasting our time.

 

Okay, but even though things are totally cool between us now, and seriously they are - we've gone on lots of group outings etc and there's no awkwardness between us - any ideas on how i can get her to do one-on-one stuff with me??? Like i think if i ask her, her immediate thought will be is he asking me out?? Is there any activities that kind of have to be one-on-one without saying it?? And if I were to ask her like i did before, should I throw in that line "just as friends" or not?