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Feeling like Will and Grace.


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My boyfriend doesn't want us to see each other naked, which eliminates basically every physical component our relationship could have. I don't mean he just has hang-ups about me seeing his body - I mean he never wants me to see him naked, and vice versa, ever.

 

He tells me he still wants to kiss/hold/cuddle me, but doesn't want us to "ever go that far". It's like he wants our relationship to be completely devoid of any physical love because he thinks it violates our emotional love. He tells me he wants our relationship to remain innocent and pure. In an email, he said:

 

"What? I love you, I know how I feel. I still love you, I just know that I don't want to explore that path, I love how we are now. I love us. I want to remain this way forever, do you understand? I love you, now you're changing everything just because I want to keep my clothes on? I feel strongly about my body, you're so selfish. I always thought kissing and being together was enough, that's all I want, something so simple and pure."

 

I can accept not having sex. But it's a lot harder to accept never touching or even seeing my boyfriend's body. I'm so upset. I can't even understand him.

 

It feels like I'm doomed to a life completely absent of any form of physical intimacy at all. "Kissing and cuddling" is not okay with me. I want to see him and touch him and I want the same from him. I don't want what's essentially a sibling relationship with a man I'm so in love with and it upsets and confuses me when I think about why he would. I feel trapped in this. I can't change his mind. I can't leave him if my own needs aren't being met because I truly love him. It's like I have to accept going without such a basic and necessary portion of a relationship, or lose the relationship itself.

 

He tells me he'd rather not be with me if this will make me resent him. What am I to say to that? What can I say to that? Of course I will resent him. He doesn't want me to ever see him. This is a person I'm going to marry and spend the rest of my life with and he never wants me to see his body. What does he expect from me?

 

I don't know what to do. I want to crumble up and die.

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First off, welcome to ENA.

 

A man who does this may have had some serious issues in his past. Be it abuse, or bad relationships with other womwn.

 

Sex and lovemaking are a natural part of being in love. Otherwise, how would we procreate?

 

It sounds very unheathy, IMHO.

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Flat out, a relationship WILL NOT survive without sex. Now, if he wanted to wait until marriage, that's one thing. It's something you should respect. But, NEVER?! That's a non-negotiable. You're not STUCK....I know you love him...but it's unrealistic to expect a partner to NEVER touch you intimately.

 

Maybe it's time to tell him... compromise or buh bye. Love is one thing...but I couldn't love someone enough to NEVER sleep with them. Especially after marriage.

 

That's my piece and I'm sticking to it.

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What reason does he give for this? If he is not religious then he may be confused about his own sexuality and which gender he is attracted to.

 

He says we don't "have" to see each other/etc. to have a good relationship. He says the physical part of a relationship shouldn't matter and if it means so much to me that he doesn't ever want to do that, I mustn't love him as much as he loves me.

 

He says he'd feel "bad" if we saw each other. He says he wants our relationship to be innocent and pure. I don't see what's so impure about wanting to be physically close to my boyfriend but he doesn't even understand why I'm upset. He gets upset at my being upset.

 

He isn't confused about his sexuality.

 

A man who does this may have had some serious issues in his past. Be it abuse, or bad relationships with other womwn.

 

Sex and lovemaking are a natural part of being in love. Otherwise, how would we procreate?

 

It sounds very unheathy, IMHO.

 

I'm his first relationship and he tells me he's never been abused in any way. I asked him because I was legitimately worried and upset when he first told me this and he got really offended. He says there's nothing wrong with him for feeling differently than me about something and I shouldn't be trying to find reasons for it.

 

Flat out, a relationship WILL NOT survive without sex. Now, if he wanted to wait until marriage, that's one thing. It's something you should respect. But, NEVER?! That's a non-negotiable. You're not STUCK....I know you love him...but it's unrealistic to expect a partner to NEVER touch you intimately.

 

Maybe it's time to tell him... compromise or buh bye. Love is one thing...but I couldn't love someone enough to NEVER sleep with them. Especially after marriage.

 

It's funny, because it seems like he's going to dump me. Hilarious. I should script this and send it to Hollywood.

 

He sounds truly asexual and doesn't want to have to confront the possibility of having to be sexual when he has absolutely no desire to do so.

 

I myself identify as asexual. That doesn't mean I want a platonic relationship.

 

I'm not interested in sex but I am interested in being physically intimate with my boyfriend. I want to kiss him, touch him, see and discover his body and be intimate with him. This worries and upsets me. I've begun to feel bad for feeling bad.

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I know.

 

"Please talk? We don't have to break up, please try to understand. You know I love you, I don't know, I don't think i'm cut out for that level of intimacy? I don't know what it is."

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He says the physical part of a relationship shouldn't matter and if it means so much to me that he doesn't ever want to do that, I mustn't love him as much as he loves me.

 

Huge red flag to me. Besides all the no physical stuff which is a huge red flag in and of itself, the fact that he throws around the "you don't love me as much as I love you" line tells me he manipulates to get what he wants.

 

If he can't explain to you why this is so important to him without resorting to manipulation, he's not worth it.

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Nope, KG. See above. She identifies as asexual. So I'm pretty confident he's asexual too, but what that means to them individually is completely different.

 

OOPPS, missed that.

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Nope, KG. See above. She identifies as asexual. So I'm pretty confident he's asexual too, but what that means to them individually is completely different.

 

But he doesn't want us to go without seeing each other because of a lack of desire. He wants it to be like that because he thinks it'd ruin the "innocence" of our relationship. I don't even know what that means. It's like he's so concerned with us being completely nonsexual, he's going out of his way to brand every physical interaction as "bad".

 

Seriously, he may be gay, and in denial.

 

He's not attracted to men or women. He says I'm the first person he ever even noticed physically, though he had a crush on a girl in elementary school (does that even count?). He doesn't masturbate either, which I'm sure he'd do if he was attracted to men as opposed to not being attracted to anything.

 

He emailed me the other day and he's going all over the place with what he says. I don't know what he wants or what he's trying to do.

 

"I miss you too. You know how much I love you. I'm overwhelmed by everything about you. I just can't change how I feel though, part of me wants to do all that with you still, but I can't help my feelings. Part of me wants to smother you in kisses, part of me wants you everywhere, to invade every part of me. Part of me wants to run my hands all over you. Part of me would run them over your body and everywhere. That's part of me, I can't help how I feel. I love you more than anything, you know that. You're everything to me."

 

I don't understand.

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But he doesn't want us to go without seeing each other because of a lack of desire. He wants it to be like that because he thinks it'd ruin the "innocence" of our relationship. I don't even know what that means. It's like he's so concerned with us being completely nonsexual, he's going out of his way to brand every physical interaction as "bad".

 

 

 

He's not attracted to men or women. He says I'm the first person he ever even noticed physically, though he had a crush on a girl in elementary school (does that even count?). He doesn't masturbate either, which I'm sure he'd do if he was attracted to men as opposed to not being attracted to anything.

 

.

 

See, that's just my point. Your asexuality manifests itself for you one way, with your own individual tolerances and wishes, and his manifests differently. It's honestly just like hetero/homo-ships - One person desires one thing from a relationship and someone wants something else, even though they're likely on a compatible orientation wavelength.

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Oh I'm sorry! I didn't mean to quote that email in its entirety! Seems I edited my post too late. I'm very embarrassed now, but that's the great thing about the internet, I guess!

 

See, that's just my point. Your asexuality manifests itself for you one way, with your own individual tolerances and wishes, and his manifests differently. It's honestly just like hetero/homo-ships - One person desires one thing from a relationship and someone wants something else, even though they're likely on a compatible orientation wavelength.

 

I don't think it's about desire, though. I think he wants to but feels so strongly about how it would "ruin" or change our relationship.

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Seriously, he may be gay, and in denial.

 

Or, maybe he is sexually dysfunctional and does not want to be humiliated. Or, maybe he is inherently not interested in sex or has no libido - because of how he is wired, or bad experience or whatever. There are a lot more explanations than this simple-minded and trivial suggestion that he is gay, why would he even pursue an emotional relationship in the first place?

 

OP if you want sex, then you are in for a lifetime of disappointment, regardless of the reasons. Evaluate your own needs, then decide if you feel it is worth the patience to learn what is happening or not.

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