How might women see sex differently than men?

[treeclimb]

I'm male. I heard a woman on the radio recently say that women see things differently when it comes to sex than men and that's all there is to it.

 

How do women see sex differently to men? I realise, any thoughts will largely be generalisations. Obviously 'sex' means a lot more than just 'having sex' or the sex act.

 

One idea that often comes up is that men can become sexually aroused (for the sex act) more quickly than women. I've also read some psychological research that suggests that fewer physically well men have trouble with 'desire' than physcially well women. That is, desire is more elusive for more women than men.

 

There is too the idea that more women feel the need for there to be an 'emotional' connection for sex where some or maybe many men are happy with simply the physical act by itself - at least some of the time/at some stage in their life. (Be it in actuality or in fantasy.)

 

What is it that makes men and women different in this area? Is it because women generally have a weaker sexual drive? Or is it something else?

[Speranza]

Hi, good questions... first, not ALL men and women are different in how they see sex, so you're talking in general terms.

 

I think for me it would be the 'emotional' thing you mention. Not all women feel like I do, but a lot do (and there again, so do some men). For me, I am so vulnerable emotionally when I have sex that I couldn't countenance a fling, for example. I'm 49 and have slept with two guys - the first I was married to for almost 20 years and the second was last year. I'm on the extreme end of the spectrum!

 

As to WHY, well biologists would point out that women stand to undergo a lot more consequences from that axt of sexual intercourse, so perhaps we are 'wired' to see it differently - or perhaps it's social conditioning. For me, I was so conscious that I might get pregnant (and rightly, I proved to be very fertile) that I wouldn't have dreamt of sleeping with someone if we hadn't been in a position to have a baby if I'd got pregnant. I had a relative who got pregnant on the Pill three times and I was very wary. Again, extreme, but I had to be realistic because for me personally, abortion was never an option.

 

For women who are able to think in terms of getting rid of a baby they don't want at that time, it's possibly less of a deal (practically I mean) having an unwanted pregnancy, but for me I knew that once pregnant, I'd be having the baby so - I kept sex for my significant relationships. Lots of women don't see that as an issue at all. For some, religion dictates what they do with their bodies.

 

I'm sure you will get lots more, and highly conflicting, answers! There are no simple solutions to understanding the opposite sex!

 

ETA: In my case, it's definitely not a weaker drive!

[treeclimb]

I'm wondering if one of the things is that women generally might see sex as something you do with someone. Whereas men might often see sex as something they do to someone or something someone does to them. Obviously not all men think like this all of the time regarding all sex. But maybe more women view sex a lot less like that. There is the stereotyped idea that young women or girls have romance on the mind whereas young men or boys have sex on the mind. Yet, what does this mean for how young women or girls VIEW the sex act. Do they view it through their 'romantic' lens as a romantic act? Do fewer younger men view sex as a romantic act?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think that men can have a wide variety of how they see sex and women can have a wide variety of how they see sex. Some men and women think of sex in similar ways while some men and women do not. Two women probably have varying ideas of sex as would two men.

 

I think a lot of our views on sex come from society. While men are taught that sex is something that you must want all the time and women tend to be taught that sex is something you should only want with a long term partner. The sexes even pressure each other in different ways as men who have many partners tend to be valued and women who have fewer partners tend to be valued. We have a different system pressed on either sex. I also think that because women worry more about pregnancy that their views on sex tend to differ slightly.

 

Sex is mostly psychological in my opinion. So it would make sense that in a society that tells women to not crave sex that desire will decrease in women more than men, typically. Also, birth control and having children changes desire quite a lot too.

[Mimori]

It’s really difficult to generalize a sex conversation, if you take all the variables you’ll notice that they can be seen in both men and women alike.

 

Some women are easily aroused, while some men take a little work to reach full throttle…and vice versa.

Some men need no emotional attachment, while some women need to feel like they’re in love…and vice versa.

 

Granted, in the general scheme of things, your generalized “good girl” is into an emotional connection before becoming intimate, while the “party/bad girl” is into the detached random sexual acts, or even simply put, “easy”…

 

It truly is just on the individual, we all have different stimulates; we all have different levels of desire and sexual drives. Take a look at some of the post on these forums; you’ll even see that some women are harder to please then others, same goes for men. Positions, speed, connection, attraction, etc effect people differently, some prefer doggy style while others do not.

 

Basically, whatever you can figure for a man, you can figure for some women as well. It just depends on the person you’re talking about…The radio is very “stereotypical” and generalizes people… but a lot of the time their information is inaccurate for some of us.

[itsallgrand]

Different people have different hormone levels. I feel that is part of it. We humans still have lots to learn about differences.

 

There are some differences in 'hardware' and options as far as sexual expression and roles in the physical reproductive cycle: men with the penis and will never bear a child, women have no penis and can bear a child physically. Generally - obviously not true for all, and the definitions of man and woman is even blurred bc of the spectrum of people who do not fit in these easy boxes.

 

The rest I feel is personal sexual self and decision making. Does a person audit their own sexual life, or allow themselves to live sexually as a product of their conditioning? A million degrees in between. Is a person healthy physically? Mentally? Emotionally? What are their motivations for pursuing sex? What do they believe are their options? What arouses them? What are their moral boundaries? Cultural? Even education plays to the mix of how a person views sex.

 

Men physically have a different capability as far as using their bodies for sexual violence as well - they have a penis. Of course a woman can be sexually violent, but she can not ever do that one thing a man can do to sexually violate another human being. I think that has a role. The old rule of the jungle - that human desire and thirst to be lord over others, to be violent and revel in it - I think it determines much influence over how a person can sexually grow and learn to view sexuality (for men and women).

[treeclimb]

Yes, I realise of course that generalisations are only that. However, there are still generalisations. The idea that we are actually all thinking and behaving alike, it's just stereotypes that would have us think otherwise is something I doubt. For example, it appears pornography is much more accessed by men than women. Traditionally it is believed males masturbate more than females. I would also tend to think that women who take part in sex forums are probably more sexually driven than many other women. Again, that is only a generalisation. But my guess is there is probably some truth in it. The idea that generally there is no difference between men and women is not easy for me to swallow.

[Tanzi]

I'm wondering if one of the things is that women generally might see sex as something you do with someone. Whereas men might often see sex as something they do to someone or something someone does to them. Obviously not all men think like this all of the time regarding all sex. But maybe more women view sex a lot less like that. There is the stereotyped idea that young women or girls have romance on the mind whereas young men or boys have sex on the mind. Yet, what does this mean for how young women or girls VIEW the sex act. Do they view it through their 'romantic' lens as a romantic act? Do fewer younger men view sex as a romantic act?

 

You make a valid point here. I think when women are younger and not so in touch with their sexuality, romance is foremost on their mind, sex comes second. With a younger guy sex comes first, romance may not even come into it. I agree that in this scenario that sex is something a young woman would do with someone she has feelings for. Young men have been known to go with anyone for the sake of sex. Of course that isn't the case with all young men and women and is, indeed, a generalisation. However when it comes to sex in the younger years I think we can safetly say that girls do tend to "hold back" more.

 

However sex is a big part of our life and I believe it becomes bigger as we get older ... for women that is (I guess its always a big thing in a man's life). However, I also think that men change too in the sense that they start to get more emotionally involved and that sex can become boring with just anyone. Perhaps I am just basing my views on personal experience. I know I view sex differently now that I am older and single again. I have mostly always had long-term relationships in my younger years and had sex with all my bfs. I didn't see anything wrong with that as they were long-term relationships and I was in love. Then I met and married my husband and sex generally does wain a bit ... mostly due to having children. It becomes a chore trying to find time to fit it in and around the children. It loses its spontaneity and excitement. However, now that I am single its like a realisation has hit me at just how important sex is in ones life. I'm not into one night stands and I can't and won't go with just anyone but if the situation and the circumstances are right then I will have sex with someone when maybe I wouldn't have done when I was younger. It seems more acceptable now. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it isn't but I generally seem to be on the same level as most men I meet and I don't see why I shouldn't be. Is that wrong of me?

[Tanzi]

What I'm trying to say is that (going by your theory) when I was younger sex was, indeed, something I did with someone I had deep feelings for ... now it is something I do to someone and they do to me (albeit in very strong circumstances).... until I find someone to do it with that is

[Speranza]

Why would that be wrong of you?

[Puddincup]

I would think the radio woman was referring to the emotional aspect of sex for women. Not that every woman is more emotional than men in general, but I would say if I heard what you heard on the radio, I'd think that is what she meant. I think things are changing though. Women are a lot more empowered with their sexuality than they used to be, even just 20-30 years ago. I'm not sure that the woman on the radio knew what she was talking about!

[abitbroken]

I would think the radio woman was referring to the emotional aspect of sex for women. Not that every woman is more emotional than men in general, but I would say if I heard what you heard on the radio, I'd think that is what she meant. I think things are changing though. Women are a lot more empowered with their sexuality than they used to be, even just 20-30 years ago. I'm not sure that the woman on the radio knew what she was talking about!

 

There is a hormone - TYPICALLY sex and cuddling makes a woman feel more bonded with a male partner. Men have the same hormone but often testosterone interferes with it a bit more, though it does happen. I am not saying women can't have meaningless sex, but on the whole, women are more likely to associate sex with feelings. How many threads have there been about women feeling their relationship has progressed after sex or bothered by the way men act in the days after the first time they did it where a man may go about acting the same towards her as he did the day before and so she flips out that he is not declaring his love or being extra attentive. I am not saying men are unfeeling at all or women expect marriage immediately after sex. There are men too who wait to have sex until they are in love. We are just wired differently.

 

For me, I think that if we didn't have sex so early, I would not have stayed with my ex. Because we had sex, and it was my first time, I felt more committed to making it work or thinking that it was a serious relationship rather than chalking it up to bad judgement.

 

It has nothing to do with empowerment. Empowerment to me is the ability to respect yourself enough to be choosey about your sex partners (in the past women didn't have a choice!). It is not license to walk all over men or they us.

[Tanzi]

Why would that be wrong of you?

 

I'm not sure really. I don't think it is. I guess I'm just interested in other peoples views on sex who are in the same or similar situation as me.

[absinthe]

Firstly, I'm neither a biologist or a psyche major, so the following theory is probably me talking out of my arse...haha...

 

Some of this is through personal research, personal observation and filler.

 

Facts:

1. The average man has far, far more testosterone than the average woman.
   
2. Some women on the higher end of the testosterone scale, overlap the low end of the male testosterone scale.
   
3. Testosterone fuels desire.
   
4. Women are more sensitive to testosterone.
   
5. Doing the horizontal mambo causes the human brain to bond.
   

 

Disclaimer: When I use the terms men and women, it's intended to cover the average, rather than the gender, in its entirety.

 

With the above facts in mind, men can go from stop to start, in less than 60 seconds, through visual appeal. This also means that a man can be dragged in more than one direction, due to this quickstarting ability, as well as their biological drive to spread their seed.

 

Most women need more than this, to kickstart desire, since we have less testosterone but are more sensitive to it. Women are also driven by their biological need for men to protect and feed, as well as finding the "best" specimen, to ensure for strong progeny. So these are our kickstarting factors.

 

As well, both genders are a product of nurture. Men are encouraged to spread their seed, whereby women are discouraged from being promiscuous.

 

Edit - So to conclude, men can be drawn willy-nilly by their willies, which trumps their bonding hormones, where women's kickstarting factors, cause them to bond more, once they find their man.

[Tanzi]

Well you did a good job of talking out of your arse absinthe

[absinthe]

Haha...thanks jellybaby. I should have added another disclaimer, that I lean towards both clinicism and cynicism.

[Puddincup]

Yeah, the hormone is Oxytocin and it bonds people to one another. Sometimes it bonds you to someone who is not right for you. Women are more affected by Oxytocin than men. Probably because of the testosterone. I call it the "rose colored glasses" hormone!

[Rangafro]

Any dope can go on commercial radio and say "men are this and women are that, don't bother arguing." It doesn't make it so. Sure men and women are physiologically different, but I remain unconvinced that these differences amount to the ideas floating around currently that men are built for promiscuity and women for monogamy. I believe it is more likely the result of the oppression of female sexuality throughout history.

[pinecone]

Granted, in the general scheme of things, your generalized “good girl” is into an emotional connection before becoming intimate, while the “party/bad girl” is into the detached random sexual acts, or even simply put, “easy”…

 

 

I think society seems to push much of the moral responsibilities related to sex on the woman - a man would never be described as 'easy'; in a relationship, it seems to be the norm that the man will wait until the woman feels the time is right. I know this is a generalisation, but I think there is an element of truth to it.