Take the ex on a trip?

[bostonchiiiiica]

Hey everyone...I am becoming a top poster on this thing! It helps me so much, just to get my thoughts out of my head...

 

Anyway, what is everyone's opinion on surprising your ex? I have an idea to take my ex on a trip for a weekend to a beautiful beach spot in Florida. We have been talking a little, but he acts obnoxious because he is on this kick that he wants to only party all the time; but I know he is so much better than that and loves other things. So, I want to remind him. I want to take him to get away---I'm not going to ask him to get back together, but I want to get him away from all of his daily influences for a while to just have a good time and help him let his guard down. I just want to surprise him, like old times, and just enjoy one another's company. Of course, my ultimate goal is for him to remember how much he loves me, but I would not force that on him. Just take him away and talk about the beauty around us. I want to get him away from all of the partying and stuff he is doing and remind him of the things he used to love; nature, camping, the beach---and me! What do you all think of this idea if done in a non-imposing way? It may sound crazy, but we ended amicably so it wouldn't be THAT crazy of me proposing to take him away for a weekend... I want to physically remind him of what he is leaving behind...Opinions please!

[hurtbylove]

It's fine if you both agree too it.

 

But if you are expecting a certain outcome of this, you could be disappointed if it doesn't go your way.

 

Why did you guys break up and is it an issue you can resolve?

[lovelorn]

Doesnt sound like a good idea to me. From what i undestand you want him back and this is going to be your way of trying to showing what you guys once had together.

It definitely is a romantic notion but if you're going to get him back, this in my opinion is not the best way. To him it would look like an avenue to be friends with benefits and i'm sure you want to be more than than.

Think about it first before you ask him to go, however amicably you broke up, atrip for just the two of you could end up in heart break for one of you. Maybe if there were a binch of you going, then it would be less risky?

[bostonchiiiiica]

We broke up because he was no longer happy...I kind of had been taking advantage of him, we no longer went out together...we acted like an old married couple and he decided that he wants to party and be free. I just want to remind him of the fun stuff we did that doesn't involve partying, becuase he seems to be so far gone into right now...

[Janet]

Hiya

 

I too am in the same position. I was with my 32 husband for 13 years. He has just moved out to be with a 19 year old. I am devasted. I am also devasted that we have to sort out all the financial stuff that goes with it. I will probably loose the house. He too wanted to just have fun where I was left with all the practical things in life. He was having fun for both of us and I was being practical for both of us. There was not meeting in the middle. He is now with her and everytime I speak to him on the phone I end up crying. He also ends up crying. I ask myself why is he crying if it was his decision. Does he still love me. He says it is nothign to do with her or me just that his head is all over the place at the moment and he says if we got back together it won't work. Sounds like you are in the same position. Is your ex with someone else?? I know mine is and she is going travelling in August. I feel in total dissmay and think my life is over. I have thought about asking him to go on holiday with me to get things resolves but I don't really think that is the answer. Sometimes you just have to leave things to run there course.

 

I suppose if you never try you will never know. If you don't fight for him you might regret it though. God I don't know really. I woudl love you to let me know if it did happen and how you two got on.

 

Take care

 

Janet

[Scout]

Janet, that is terrible. I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you. Please make use of eNotalone - we're hear to listen and if possible, help. You will find this site is an oasis of support.

 

Bostonchicaa - I don't recommend it. Even if he goes with you it's probably not going to cure anything. My ex and I went on a camping trip last weekend, had a great time, got along wonderfully. The very night we got back he went out with friends without inviting me, and partied again the next night after. These guys aren't going to grow up anytime soon - they are only interested in short-term good times, and will avoid anything that is going to take "work" - like a committed relationship. Let them be someone else's problem, as a wise poster once told me when I was going through a similar situation as you. Think about it - he broke up with you because he wanted to party instead of being with you. How shallow is that? Move on - and find someone with more depth.

[Janet]

Scout

 

Thanks for that. I am getting to my angry stage now. Still miss him but the more I talk to people the better it gets to the stage where I can hate him. I want him back still but if he came to my door now I would not take him back in a million years. Its funny how things come out after a break up. A few friends told me that they always had a feeling about him even before we got married. His best man who is now dead said to his mother that he would never be faithfull to me. This makes me hate him even more. I now your are right about letting it be someone elses problem. I know he will do the same to his new girlfriend. I was cheated on for 13 years probably every year I was with him. Can someone like this actually change when they meet the right person. Is this possible.

 

What cures someone of being a serial cheater?

 

I know it is definitely over now. Today is the first day I have realised this. Now its time to get on with the practical stuff like sorting out money and mortgages. I still hurt inside and finding it hard to eat but it is gettng easier every day. He is coming over on Thursday to sort out what we will do with our houses and loans and things. I'm not sure I will be able to handle it. I am going to have to be strong and just talk about money. We also have a dog which he will take with him. How sad!!!

 

Anyway thanks for your advice.

 

I will let you know what happens.

 

Regards

 

Janet

[bostonchiiiiica]

Hey Scout,

 

You said "Why would you want to be with someone who left you to party?" BUT the thing is that he left me because things were bad between us, and the he went and partied. He really loved me but he left because I was an idiot. So, does that change your thoughts on the trip at all? I have something to prove to him, that I am not the way I was. Let me know. Thanks.

[Scout]

Hi Chicaa - well, if you truly feel you should hold most of the blame for the break-up, than yes, you should give it a shot to get back together...I guess. I'm still uneasy about how he's acting now, though...are you sure the best course wouldn't be to hold off on the trip a bit and wait until you two are a little more at ease with each other...and he's seen you several times without you talking about the relationship & he's let his guard down a bit? You mentioned in your first email he's not acting very nice right now. I don't know if the timing is good right now to ask him to go away on a trip with you. I'm not trying to be negative - I actually believe if something is worth fighting for, than you should go for it...although not indefinitely, it does take work on the other person's part. You said you were an idiot in the relationship...have you thought long and hard about this? Were there things he was doing that made you unhappy, and so in turn, you acted out? Try not to assign all the blame on yourself, without thinking long and hard about this.

[Scout]

Janet, I can only imagine the pain you are going through. If that happened to me, I would be devastated, too. Sadly, it does happen to so many people. I suppose you are feeling particularly rotten about the fact that he left you for another, one who is much younger. I wonder if this young woman knows how much awful karma she has just racked up for herself by participating in this. I am not kidding - I believe in a Universal payback, you just can't do something so terrible to someone without the Universe eventually paying you back. So she and your wayward husband truly have built a large account up at the Payback bank!

 

But that doesn't help you feel any better right now, I know. As hard as it is, the only thing that is going to help you is to get out of the house as much as possible, do things for yourself even if it kills you. Believe it or not, within a few weeks, this new flurry of activity will become sort of a habit, and along the way, you'll have met some interesting people and discovered some new things - maybe some new things about yourself! In fact, it's time for you to get reacquainted with yourself. May I suggest some possibly interesting things you could seek out to do (again, knowing you have no appetite whatsoever for any of this right now, but for the sake of your sanity, try!):

 

1) It's an election year. Why not get involved with your local political party? Right now they desperately need volunteers to pass out flyers, make calls, organize fund-raisers, etc.

 

2) Volunteer at your local animal shelter. They also need help, and you might even find a new four-legged friend to help ease the pain of losing your dog!

 

3) Do something utterly scary and new - go on a backpacking trip with an organized Outdoors group, go sky-diving, or - get a brand new hairstyle and color! remember that commercial...wash that man right out of your hair!

 

4) Throw a dinner party for your single gal friends

 

5) Write some letters/make some phone calls to your state's elected officials about issues important to you this election year...

 

6) Take a road trip one weekend with a good friend.

 

7) Check out some churches, zen centers, yoga classes - explore your spirituality.

 

8) See a counselor. If money is an issue, call your local university, they can direct you to programs that have sliding-scale fees depending on your income. Therapy can really help you grasp this healing process thing, trust me. I've been there.

 

Just some ideas. The point is there is a whole, big world out there beyond your husband and his little tart. Throw yourself wholeheartedly into it. Don't block the pain - allow time for yourself each day to grieve, and don't feel ashamed to do it - you're a caring human being and of course this hurts terribly - tell your friends you're gonna need them to help you get through this...and of course, your friends at eNotalone are here, too.

 

But you know what? You will get through this. And as impossible as it sound, you will love and be loved again. I honestly think the majority of men out there would not do something like this to a woman, your husband is the exception. Please try not to let your trust in men be permanently damaged from this, you can see there are many men on eNotalone with an incredible capacity to love, and to fight for their relationships when the going gets rough. And this is just one small sample of all the men out there!

 

You are going to be ok, yes you are. You have some difficult times ahead, but you know what? You're gonna get through them! Again, we're here for you.

 

- Scout