Things are going great... but she still talks to this guy she "dated" during NC...

[gp913]

Things have been going really well... we aren't "back together" or whatever, but she's said that she wants to "take things slow". She's told me she loves me, keeps talking about doing stuff in the future with me, has posted loads of recent pictures of us on Facebook, mentions me a lot... It's been good. I've been letting her do most of the initiating for all of this. This is the most affectionate I've seen her be in the past 7-8 months (we broke up 6 months ago).

 

We reconnected back in October after being broken up for 2 months (4 yr relationship, broke up in August). She dumped her rebound for me in October. We "just dated" in October/November. We moved too fast, IMO, and perhaps I may have put some pressure on her. In November, she said that she might want to see someone else also... I tried that for a few weeks (too stressful), but told her if she wanted to date someone else, then do it without me there... So, in December (we went NC), she did just that, but it was kind of secret and she didn't admit it until January (I never asked since it wasn't my business and she wasn't going to tell me). This is after the guy moved away and didn't want anything since he was going into the military... She seemed depressed about it all. She says that they just hung out a few times and went on a few dates, but nothing happened. She already felt bad about having sex with the rebound (from August/September), she said... However, they talked so much on Facebook that you'd think they were BFFs (this has REALLY died off since December).

 

Anyways... She still talks to this guy some... and it really bothers me. I don't think anything beyond friendship is there now, but really, it bothers me... and even if they are just friends, I feel that it will always bother me and I will hold resentment because he'll always be the reason things got messed up a few months ago... Am I wrong for feeling this way? I've forgiven her for everything... I just don't like them talking still...

 

Things are looking really good. It's just that, I'll feel great and she'll give me such reassurance... yet she still talks to this guy. She is the type of person who tries to be friends with everyone and has a hard time cutting people off. This really bothers me, but I'm not sure how I can bring it up... It crushes me everytime I see them talk because... SHE was the one who seemed depressed it didn't work out and she still talks to him... it makes me wonder... What if he hadn't moved away or decided to join the military? He'd still be in our city and how would've things worked out? Shouldn't she think that this would bother me???

 

How can I bring this up with her? I figured I'd have to deal with it until she wants to actually commit to something....... Because, who am I to tell her who she can talk to (we did live together for nearly 4 years, but we aren't in a "relationship" now...)

 

My therapist said to just wait things out and maybe contact will die out or wait until she wants to move further to bring it up... That I'd be in a better position to say something about it and if she doesn't cut contact with him when she knows it bothers me, then that shows how much she cares. It's just so confusing... Wouldn't she think that this would bother me? ... It makes me just want to turn my phone off when I see any type of contact between them.

 

Any ideas?

[Lastchallenge]

That's a tough one because u r right if he was in the pic what would happen? And what if he comes back. I'm in kind of a simiar situation Im glad that she came back to u it shows rebounds don't always work... I really think u need to adress the issue because it bothers you and it's not right. Just make sure you do it in the best manner because you don't wan to give her a reason to leave again

[MrRight]

This is how I have approached similar situations:

 

You have till to decide if you want me or if you want to the other guy. One thing that it is a requirement is that my woman needs to be 100% interested in myself. I am willing to give 100% into this and I expect the same back.

 

I'd rather spend my energy and time looking for someone else. If you need to, go to the freaking overseas and find one that loves you there. There are lot of good women out there with principals, loyalty and care for men. I cannot guarantee you will find one around here, but if you are open to consider women from other countries if necessary, well, you will have more chances.

 

What it does not work for sure is is that if you marry or commit with a women that already thinks she likes someone else. I am afraid that is high risk because even if she decides to stay with you now, what are the chances she will get bored or find another super down the road and that she will kick your butt at that point? Just my thought.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think she is playing around and using you as backup: Look at the facts:

1. She dumped you for rebound guy after a 4 yr relationship.

2. Her story is that she dumped rebound guy for you...but I suspect things weren't so hunky dory with Mr. Rebound so that is why she came back to you.

3. Problem is that she never REALLY came back to you. She wanted an open relationship where she would see you and then see someone else as well.

4. You did not want an open relationship so she walked away from you AGAIN to chase after the military man.

5. That wasn't hunky dory as well and he broke her heart by moving away, so now she comes back to you...STILL NOT COMMITTING TO YOU and keeping her options open with military man.

 

I think your therapist is steering you wrong by advising you to wait things out. This woman is using you as a back up but has her mind with other men. If she truly cared about you she would end the contact with this military guy and make a firm commitment with you. I think you have been toyed with enough by her.

[gp913]

It's been a while since my last post, so I'm back with another update...

 

Crazyaboutdogs, last week when I read your reply, I wanted it to be wrong... but I'm really hating what I've seen happen in the past few days.

 

She was always texting me, asking me out to lunch, wanting to see me... I held back the whole time... I even told her she'd have to let me know if she wanted to do something together for her birthday, to let me know. Her birthday was this past weekend. She asked me to go to dinner with her and her mom... She said it was her treat... It was a super expensive place and she doesn't have much money, so it meant a lot to me... I offered to pay for the dessert atleast. She asked me to stay over that night which was a little shock, since this was the night before her birthday and she said she just wanted to spend her birthday alone since bad things always happen that day. Well, we just stayed in the whole day on her birthday and I left around 10pm or so. Her last words to me were "love you!" This was this past weekend.

 

First thing Monday, I notice her and this other guy talking CONSTANTLY on Facebook. I haven't heard a single thing from her since 5 days ago... They're back to constantly talking on Facebook. I've been choosing not to be active on Facebook since November, because it's too painful. She asked me one time why I didn't comment on something and I told her that I didn't want to interrupt things, but the topic somehow got changed, but she did ask what I meant.

 

It just makes no sense to me. I turned my phone off during that first day because I didn't want to talk to her.

 

She may not even want more than friendship with him now, but the sudden drop in contact with me? I think that speaks a lot... Could she be so blind to not think that her talking to this guy pushes me away? I'm not going to chase her. Tried that already.

 

I just feel numb now. I was worse earlier this week. Deja vu all over again.

 

It makes no sense to me because she says all of these confusing things:

1. Before Valentine's Day, "I hate Valentines Day"... yet she was my Valentine, loved what I made her, and wrote a nice message to me telling me how much I mean to her...

2. Tells me that we're dating, but I don't know what we're doing...

3. Says something like maybe I could change my status to It's Complicated on Facebook or something, but jokingly, so I don't know what the deal is... I'm still listed as 'Single' and she has no status.

4. Says something about "my other girlfriends" ... Huh? I have *A* girlfriend? You? huh? - She thought someone was flirting with me last week and one night when she slept over, she seemed concerned if I had slept with anyone, but I never answered really, because I thought it was joke... (I haven't) ... then she said that it didn't matter and wasn't a big deal.

5. She had an office at our apartment when we lived together... she said that recently called her bedroom at her mom's "her office" and then cried...

6. She keeps mentioning how she misses our place and points out things I got her or things we got together...

7. Keeps suggesting things we need to do in the future...

8. Said something this past weekend like "Oh, you'd never want to marry me... don't think anyone would want to marry me..." and "All guys like to be single so they can just go around and have lots of girls"...

9. Before she said "love you!" this past weekend, she thanked me for making her birthday great this year...

10. She said her therapist said that she was lucky to have me around and she said that she agreed...

 

and many other things... A lot of this stuff, I didn't know how to even respond to when they were said... Confusing and stressful all over again. The sudden drop in contact with me and the sudden increase of contact with him... ugh.

[Lastchallenge]

That's just brutal.. I would ask for time

off and date other people and see what happene because you never dated and she did...

F that!

[shessofly]

sorry...it sounds like she is feeding you a bunch of rotten bologne. she is toying with you. i agree with crazyaboutdogs post.

[Brownstone322]

You might read Saffron's recent threads which have a theme of "that other person that just won't go away." Or you might seek out friends who have been in a similar situation. I have, and it sucks.

 

Make no mistake, whether we're talking about my ex from college, Saffron's current ex or your current ex, that "other person" stays in the picture because the ex wants him/her in the picture. In your case, that other guy intrigues your ex in a way that you don't, at least for now, and evidence might suggest that he's not going away any time soon. That's a fact, 'cause I've been there.

 

Sadly, some people really are incredibly self-absorbed. Some people really do want to "have their cake and eat it too." Some people actually get addicted to a third party, someone "bad for them," and wreck their relationships that genuinely matter. What's worse, if that's happening in your case, there is nothing you can do -- nothing you can say -- to stop it

 

You have to consider whether that's what's going on and whether you want to put yourself through that.