Diagonal's rocky road to reconciliation, a huge bump in the road?

[Diagonal]

Ok, so a little update on my situation as I’ve not posted about it for a while.

 

Well, for those who don’t know she left on December 20, because I neglected her with my work and I admit I could be controlling (not massively), but despite that we did have a good relationship on the whole with no trust issues, abuse or fighting etc.

 

Since then we’ve not really had any NC and been in mutual LC.

 

She agreed that she wanted to see if we could rekindle things and recently we’ve been moving forward and seeing each other once a week.

 

Every time we met we got a bit more flirty and things seemed promising. She was really touchy feely, we'd have a great time, no pressure and no talk about getting back together -just having fun and lauging a lot.

 

Now, she’s sent me an email saying that she needs complete space from me to figure out what she wants.

 

In short she said this:

 

I feel lost within myself. I want to get on with my life and live it as me, discover who I am again, and I can't see how you can be a part of that right now with everything that has gone on. I need space, completely away. I can't figure out what I want when you're around. Also I need to know you have changed and not just trying to trick me back. And that will take a good while.

So she’s just moved into her own place and getting back to being independent again, she's stressed with work and school and she said that at the moment having me around isn’t helping her figure out what she wants in terms of us.

 

She also said that whilst she sees I’ve made some really positive changes with my life (addressing the problems we had), she needs to see that I’ve changed for good and not just trying to do or say things just to trick her back.

 

She also has stated on various occasions that she doesn't know what's going to happen but getting back together is a possibility.

 

Looking back the LC from day one hasn’t massively helped. She’s been struggling for money and been having a really stressful time recently, so I paid her credit card bill and bought her a couple of nice things. Again I think these things didn’t help rather hinder our reconciliation as I think she felt I was trying to control her a little and also trying to buy her back, which I wasn’t - I just wanted to help.

 

Things were going so well, she was initiating contact, made it very clear a number of times she’s not interested in seeing anyone else, done all the positive things you’d expect on the path to reconciliation and now she wants complete space from me.

 

Part of the reason is that she feels really miserable seeing me upset about the situation and while I’ve been fine in front of her I think the fact that she knows how I feel isn’t helping and it might feel like I’m pressuring her back into something she’s not ready for yet. Even though I’m not.

 

My plan is to just leave her to it. NC, no gifts or anything. Totally respect what she's asking for.

 

Any advice or insight would be really helpful and thanks to those who have already helped out.

[red.ribbon]

Ugh, the bump in the road. You may have seen my latest bump in my "moving too fast thread".

 

Anyway, about your situation....

 

I guess because you were on LC and were making effort for her, it never gave her a real chance to stand on her own two feet and truly live life without you. I can kind of understand where she's coming from. While she broke up with you, she would still have been missing you like crazy and was probably enjoying the attention from you during this time, considering lack of attention was a problem during your relationship.

 

And now she's come to realize "Hang on, I broke up with him...I feel like I haven't fully known how it is to be broken up with him?"

 

Have you replied to her email?

 

I'm sure you will find the right thing to say, but if you're unsure, if I were in your shoes I would just say: While I feel disappointed you need space because I really have been enjoying our time together, I will completely respect your decision and give you some space to breathe etc etc. Remind her you truly weren't trying to "trick" her. The fact she broke it off was a wake up call for you and it brought to light your faults in the relationship and because you care so much for her, you simply wanted to make it right.

[Diagonal]

Hey Red,

 

Thanks for the post. I have seen your thread actually, it's mad how people's situation are so similar.

 

I've emailed back already saying exaclty what you suggested, so I guess we'll see what happens.

 

Part of me things that she feels like we're getting closer to getting back together and needs this final bit of space to figure out if I'm actually trying to trick her or buy her back.

 

I'm not, I was just trying to help

 

NC and space and futher self development.

 

I don't think it's over by a good way yet and I guess time is going to help us both heal (we've both admitted we're still hurting) and then see what happens.

 

 

[red.ribbon]

Of course you weren't trying to buy her back, you were just being helpful, try not to beat yourself up too much about it, you've done your best, I hope she can eventually come to trust that your intentions were true.

 

Don't need to tell you, but stay strong, you've done so well

[HopefulDrew]

One of the things that dumpees need to figure out is how to love themselves and be happy with themselves. Your ex has strong feelings for you, but she is aware enough to know that she needs to be able love herself before she can share love with you. Keep doing what you are doing. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think that maybe she was feeling herself being pulled back into a relationship with these weekly meetings and she needs to take a step back. There is obviously something still there for her though otherwise she would have just cut you off.

 

Stay patient and continue improving yourself.

[Diagonal]

Thanks for all the advice so far, it really is appreciated. Thank you

 

So I emailed her last night saying I think it's for the best at the moment as I don't think being in a relationship with her at the moment or even working towards one would do either of us any good.

 

At the moment she is still really hurt by the relationship we had and what I did to her and I'm all over the place emotionally too.

 

Logically looking at things I think some time apart will do the situation a world of good. I think constantly seeing each other kept raking up the emotions of the past and we need to work past them on our own before we can even consider going forward again.

 

I've done a lot of work on myself in the 9 weeks since she left and made some huge life changing shifts in who I am as a person in terms of the problems I had with success, money, control and life. This will only improve even more over time and I think she's struggling to accept that I've changed huge parts of who I am in such a short space of time and that's cool.

 

I guess we'll both spend some time apart and see how it goes. I want her back SOOO much but the only way that might happen is more space and working on ourselves for a while.

 

So here is her email reply, which I got earlier today,

 

The main thing stopping me is probably the fact I don't know whether I love you like that. In fact, at present I don't love you in that way. I'll always love you as a friend and care deeply but the way I feel now is that I'm not in love with you. And there's no point in an intimate relationship with someone I don't feel that way about. Do I think there is a chance of feeling like that in the future, I don't know if there is . . . . thats why I want time to be me again. There is no chance without forgetting the hurt of the old relationship so I need to get away and move on with that. It would need to be a fresh start if it ever did.

 

What do people thing?

[bungalo]

Sounds like a wing and a prayer-her email. I think you'r doing the right thing,,probably best to agree with her and go NC. I guess everyone's different, but I have never been able to re-fall in love with anyone. So sorry to say this..but maybe girls are different?

[Lastchallenge]

I've seen and read your threads I'm amazed how u got a second chance we all dream of that and some never do. Yes it's a pot hole but the bright side is that if u overcome that pothole which is an objection u will be one step closer to your destination... I see it as a positive thing for u because she could have said no I'm sorry we are done and changed her number and whatnot even moved. Even if this does not work out in the end as a man u can say that you gave it your best shot and all you could ..and to me that would be the closure I would want

[Diagonal]

Thanks last challenge, I totally agree

 

I feel a lot better and it's partly down to the good folk on here, so again thank you one and all

 

I agree I was shocked to get a second chance too and now I think that I have to spend some more time working on myself and I guess that will help me however the situation goes.

 

The way I see it is that I wouldn't have got this far with her if she didn't think that there might be a chance. I don't want to cling onto any false hope but I do believe based on what has happened positively post break-up, there is still some distance left to run for my story.

[JBaker]

I'm sorry to see this bump in the road. You seem to have things pretty well together, though. You already know the route to take - give her the time and space she desires.

 

How do you want to approach this situation? Do you want to wait for her? Do you want to heal for awhile and then try seeing other people?

 

I think Red Ribbon got it right. She was enjoying the attention you were finally able to give her. It took awhile, but she eventually realized that she had not taken the time to be independent and figure out her life and what she wants. I don't think it is that she doesn't "feel that way about you right now", it is that she doesn't know what she wants out of life right now. The one thing that she DOES know, is that she does not want the neglectful type of relationship that yours had turned into.

 

So keep up the good work on yourself. It will either pay off with her, or with your next relationship.

[Diagonal]

Thanks J

 

I will wait for her, she really is worth it and I'm not interested in seeing other people. I will just spend the time working on all the issues I had and I think all the anti-neglectful behaviour I've done for her recently has her in two minds about a potential 'us' in the future.

 

I really do believe that time will prove that I'm not trying to trick or buy her and also that I have changed for good. She's shocked that I'm still chasing her actually, as she really didn't think I was still interested in her after being so neglectful.

 

Time will prove that...

 

I feel a time will come when she doesn't have to feel guilty about hurting me because I wont be hurt anymore. I think that time will come and that with space she will heal too and we can maybe see what happens.

[Lastchallenge]

D man listen... U obviously got her thinking and that's important because she's thinking about it... U got her to go from "it's over" to " hmm I gotta think about this one" so I applaud u again.

 

On the time I do agree that u both still need time. She didn't miss u and I could see why but we knew this wasn't gonna be easy from the moment we decided we wanted them back! So hang in there your almost there just improe yourself more because their is always room for self improvement.. I know I've changed and it's been a month and a half but that change needs to stick so I still need more time

[Tired Tiger]

Think of it less as a "huge bump in the road", and more of a necessary stage in the process. You guys both need some time completely apart before you'll be able to reach the proper perspective needed to start working your way back together (should that be where this leads). Use your time wisely.

 

That said, it appears you have the right mental attitude and stability already. Keep at it, and consider that your 9 weeks of work equals about 9 days on her mental calendar.

[Diagonal]

That's a great way to look at it TT

 

What do you mean by

consider that your 9 weeks of work equals about 9 days on her mental calendar.

 

Thanks for the comment,

[LoveSoDeep]

Just wanted to throw in my two cents....

 

I think you're doing exactly the right thing and I think both you and your ex are looking at this in the right way. She needs time and space to find herself and you probably need time to finish healing. I think that deep down she still does feel something for you or as others have suggested she would have just changed her number and moved on. She's leaving the door open for a reason and that's good news but don't fixate on that. Continue to work on yourself

 

and like JBaker said:

 

"keep up the good work on yourself. It will either pay off with her, or with your next relationship."

[Belle28]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Diagonal! I think it's just a bump in the road. My ex did the same thing a few weeks ago. He said he was confused about the time we were spending together (about once a week) and wanted to slow down a bit. So we went about 3 weeks without seeing each other (mainly due to snow), and when we got together afterwards, we had a ton of fun. I think she's just spooked. The familiar feeling of being with you might freak her out and make her think everything's going to be like it was before. She just needs time to process her feelings.

 

Seriously, if my ex was fighting for me like you are for her, I'd be on Cloud 9. You're doing awesome! Now's the time to take care of you--do something fun and nice for yourself! She'll come around.

[Tired Tiger]

What do you mean by...

 

It's a phenomenon of break up land that distorts the perspective of time. In your position, each week feels like a month, while to her it seems like a day. This is because you've been mired down in the emotional aftermath, while she's mostly dealt with relief and/or distraction.

 

The more time that passes, the closer you get to any potential equalization of emotions and perceptions. At nine weeks, you may very well only be a quarter to a third of the way there.

[Brownstone322]

In short she said this:

 

I feel lost within myself. I want to get on with my life and live it as me, discover who I am again, and I can't see how you can be a part of that right now with everything that has gone on. I need space, completely away. I can't figure out what I want when you're around. Also I need to know you have changed and not just trying to trick me back. And that will take a good while.

Consider that these are very reasonable points on her part. I think you might both benefit from giving her space and being "completely away."

[Diagonal]

I've gotta agree 100% with you Brownstone and thanks again to LoveSoDeep, Tired Tiger and Belle for the useful comments

 

I think it boils down to the fact that she couldn't heal her own pain and mine and she was trying to, but it was impossible.

 

I think that NC is for the best and actually the only way forward for both of us, regardless of whether we get back together. Otherwise it would just end really badly.

 

Whenever we met post-break-up we always ended up talking about the past relationship which obviously raked up a lot of feelings which neither of us were ready to deal with. We were both still hurt and although out meet ups were lovely, emotionally it was a lot of work for us both. I would end up saying "I was sorry" or "stupid" or "regretful" and that made her feel really guilty and bad for me.

 

From my point of view I felt like I needed to say such things to her, especially if she brought something up, but it actually just made her feel worse rather than better.

 

That relationship was over, we shouldn’t have been talking about it as much as we did as it just did more harm than good as it reminded her why she left and that didn’t allow either of us to heal.

 

It's only day 1, but now we'll both have some space apart to heal. We never went NC see, it was LC from the off, which I think was good at first because it allowed me to show her I'd changed and was working on my issues, but now some real space will allow her to heal and see if I'm really what she wants and if I meant all the things I said and did.

 

That's my take on it and I don't think it's too far fetched or grasping at false hope or anything. She didn't need to meet me or initiate contact all those times post-break-up and she didn't need to tell me all the positive things she did about a potential relationship with me, so I'm hoping that she has mixed thoughts on the whole situation.

 

I mean I'm not looking too far down the road, but I don't think anyone could say that she's not decided on what's going to happen just yet, despite what she's said.

 

It could go either way, but I'm hopeing it'll go in my favour!

[red.ribbon]

You have mentioned that we're in such a similar situation, however I think you are in a much better position than I am!

 

Not that it's a competition, I just don't think you realize how well it's going for you. I know it may seem overwhelming for her to come to this sudden decision, but you already understand it's for the best in the long run.

 

I don't want to push a feeling of false hope, but I have a good feeling about your situation

[Diagonal]

Thanks Red, I guess we'll see but today I already feel a lot better about the whole situation.

 

I guess I'm firmly locked into the roller coaster of NC without realising and I'm just going to 'enjoy' the ride. The ups and downs will come but things will get better one way or another and there is NOTHING I can do to effect her decision now. In fact actually the less I do now will probably improve my chances. So I'm getting very good at twiddling my thumbs and watching rubbish TV

 

People have been really positive about my situation which gives me hope, but I've learnt in this game the more you take for granted the higher you're setting yourself up for a fall.

 

Deep down I think she still has feelings for me but she has a lot to sort out readjusting to living on her own for the first time ever, healing from the pain and some pretty major stress from work, school and a few other things.

 

I'm sure she'll back in touch in time, well hopefully

 

I have/am changing aspects of my life to be a better and happier human being, not just for her.

 

I think once she's settled into living on her own for the first time and has balanced her life, work and school well, she'll have all the control she needs back in her life, which I think was a big issue in the break-up.

 

When we were together she lost a lot of control with me as I admit I could be controlling, but through circumstances she ended up living in MY house, living off MY money and living in MY area away from her friends etc, which didn't help for someone who used to be very independent!

 

I feel I'm learning more every day about the situation and that seems to be coming with the space and healing that being apart brings.

 

Thanks again for all the support guys

[Diagonal]

Ok, so a slight twist in the tale and something I've not taken into consideration with my ex (thanks to someone I'm PMing, I respect their privacy - but thanks), she's currently coming off medication after 4 years.

 

Now I've been helping her do this even post break-up, but I've just been looking into the withdrawal symptoms and they include:

 

anxiety

crying spells

depersonalization

fatigue

hallucinations

hostility

highly emotional

irritability

insomnia

jumpy nerves

lethargy

nervousness

over-reacting to situations

paranoia

sensory & sleep disturbances

severe internal restlessness (akathasia)

tremors

troubling thoughts

visual hallucinations / illusions

vivid dreams

worsened depression

 

I've seen a lot of the above in her before she asked for space last weekend and during the withdrawal (she's only 2-3 weeks in), she reached out for help from me as "no one else understands her problems like I do".

 

In one sense it's difficult, as I want to help her but she's asked for space and I WILL keep to that.

 

Does anyone else think the above changes things?

 

When you add in the need for control back in her life, added stress from me and work and school etc, you think man she's really got a lot on at the moment doesn't she?!

 

Any thoughts would be apprecited, particularly from those who have ex's on meds or who have come off medication etc.

 

Thanks,

[red.ribbon]

I've personally come off meds, not a fun experience at all.

 

I say still leave her be for a while, but of course be there for her if she reaches out, that's all you can do really

[Diagonal]

Sorry to hear that Red.

 

That's the plan, just gonna hang back and if she reaches out of course I'll lend a hand but otherwise I'll keep my distance to heal and work on myself.

 

I've lined up some professional help to work on my issues too, so I can tackle things properly.