Money situation got in way of good relationship? An excuse?

[blueberry kid]

Hi, I’m new, and I need to vent and want to hear people’s advice on this. Reading the other threads on here has helped perk me up a bit in dealing with my break up.

 

I got dumped a week ago by my boyfriend of 5 months. Have been in NC mode since. We have known each other since we were kids and when we reconnected he pursued me pretty aggressively. He clearly had been burned in his last relationship, but with me his words always seemed to be backed up by his actions. He was making plans for us, he was calling me, it seemed reciprocal. All of his friends liked me, told me how he talked about me constantly, how he seemed happy with me.

 

The bigger issue throughout our short time together was the fact that his work hours got cut a couple months after we started dating. I have a steady job. He was very much a guy who wanted to be a provider, pay for everything, etc. I could tell it was taking its toll on him, he was getting depressed/anxious, acting distracted, and when I would ask, he would say it was because of his financial situation.

 

A little over a month ago, he finally got the job in his field he’d been waiting for. It’s in the same town that we live in. As soon as he got the job, he started distancing himself from me. I confronted him about it and he said he just wanted to focus on his new job, get in a better financial situation, deal with some of his other personal issues and better himself. He said didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. Then he told me not to wait for him.

 

I also think it's possible he was afraid of this relationship turning out like his previous one where he got burned pretty badly, and he didn’t want to hurt me.

 

I can understand what he wants to do – I mean, if you’re in a bad spot financially, that’s scary. (And I’ll never know if the work thing was an excuse.) But what is MAJORLY depressing to me is that this chance for us to be together was wasted.

 

I don’t think he’ll ever come back – just being realistic. It'll probably just be easier for him once he is stable to find some chick and pretend like this episode never happened and he can be the provider from day 1.

 

I am just so sad that this is how things came to an end. We are in our early 30s, and I can honestly say that, despite the issues he was dealing with, we had a compatibility that I had been searching for my whole life. He said he felt the same. Was he perfect? No. But I am so sad.

 

Would like to hear other people's take on this.

[thejigsup]

Few men want to be with a woman who has seen him vulnerable. It bothers them. This has broken up more than one of my relationships. I have been with my current bf a long, long, time. Many years. I have seen him down many times. He hangs in there. He is not afraid of me seeing him vulnerable, crying, or anything like that. He is a real man. Find one of those and you will be blessed. Real men are the best! Ain't nothin' better! They see you as an equal, they really talk to you and listen to you, they never ignore you, and they are pretty macho at the same time. It's absolute Heaven!

[blueberry kid]

Thanks. I totally agree. I thought I had found that with this guy; he seemed like he was aware and sensitive, but in the end I guess it was too much for him.

[uncomfynumb]

Your situation sounds alot like mine, financial problems, stress from injury and not being able to be the provider can kill a man's desire for a woman.

 

My ex was also badly burned in a divorce and has some resduial anger and trust issues from that.

 

I messed up by trying to fix things for him and taking over the role of male at certain times in my relationship. No, he wasn't perfect but we women need to understand some of the things we do, say and the way that we handle things all in an effort to be supportive can cause even more problems. Its really hard to see and understand. If you have felt any amount of anger or resentment as I have after trying to be the fixer and not feeling like he gave back, then this may be why. And certainly each situation is different as are people.

 

Anyway, I just posted something that may help you called the eight weeks challenge.

 

There is a lot of good advice and support to be found here. If you are in a confused place and are heartbroken, this is the place. Welcome!

[blueberry kid]

I read your 8 weeks post -- thanks uncomfy. The older I get the more I realize how entrenched our gender roles are in our relationships, and it's something that I ALWAYS come back to thinking about after I have a failure in dating or in a relationship.

 

I felt like the relationship I just got out of was a minefield of this kind of stuff -- I was conscious of not wanting to emasculate him but I worried that I still somehow was, just by being present. I still let him pay for things if we went out, and when I did make suggestions to do things, I tried to suggest things that involved little or no money. I always told him how proud I was of him when it came to work stuff (I really was), and how much I admired the vision that he was trying to achieve (which I do).