Should I stay or should I go? - long

[JaneDoe]

I love my boyfriend of 7 years with all my heart and I know he loves me too. He has problems with lying. I used to be jealous a lot and he lied to me for the first 3 years we were together. He didn't lie about anything big, just when he would talk to girls (as friends) and some other harmless things that he thought I would get mad about. We were young at that time. We were both immature and now we've grown up more. I am 21 and no longer so jealous. He is 20 (about to turn 21). I have not been controlling or jealous anymore but last September he started lying to me again (I really believe he was being truthful for the 3 1/2 years in between). He started getting into his online gaming and starting lying about a lot of things online. He kept so much from me and lied to my face. He was chatting with people and acting like a completely different person. I thought that he learned after the first time he kept so much from me but obviously not. He tells me that he is not really like that and he just wanted to fit in. He says he lied to me about it because he thought I'd get mad and he didn't want to fight with me. He wanted me to be happy. I told him last time that I will be happy if he was honest but he obviously forgot or didn't care. From my knowledge, he didn't cheat on me but I have doubts about that too. He lied about so much, I can't trust him anymore. I never thought he could ever cheat on me but then I thought he would never lie to me again either. He is with me everyday for hours on end so I thought he might've needed to get away from me and have some "space" with online friends since he doesn't really hang out with any friends in real life anymore since he's always with me. When I asked him that, he said that he loves being with me. He said he had a cloud over his head with all the family problems he was having and instead of talking to me, he turned to the game. He said that clouded his judgement and he didn't want me to know he had these problems (we don't live together). He says that he now knows not to be afraid to tell the truth, that "temporary happiness" is not good because it is only temporary and will just cause him problems later. He lied for a good 6 months to me until I found out on my own. Then he persisted to continue lying to cover up lies for 1 week following. Finally, he came clean on his own after 1 week. I don't know if he still has other lies or not. He says that he doesn't. None that he remembers but nothing big for sure. He lied so much that he can't remember all of them. I want to trust him because we both make each other so happy (when I don't think of his lying) and we both really want to stay together and grow old together. I just don't want this to happen again. It's already happened twice. He said he learned the first time but obviously he didn't. Maybe it was because we were both still young and immature at that time and he didn't learn. He said that this time has impacted him more and he's also becoming more religious and he's going to go through RCIA at my church (Rite of Christian Innitiation). He said he wants to be a good person and he thinks maybe his past has to do with the fact that he's scared of conflict. He has always had family problems. He thinks that maybe he lied so I wouldn't be disappointed in him and he would still be my "perfect" boyfriend. He really seems like he wants to change but I just don't know if I can trust him again. It seems like I can't. I love him so much and right now we are just friends even though we hug often (to make ourselves feel better because we are so sad not being "together") We are not sexually active even though we did "experiment" one time when we were 16. I do feel deeply connected to him though as if he's my soulmate but if he was, he wouldn't have done this again right? I so confused. I feel like, if we both love each other and want to be together and feel horrible without each other, why not just be together and be happy. But then what about the fights we have about his lying and me not trusting him? --- they happen often when we are together as boyfriend and girlfriend but not as friends(this has been on and off for the past 3 months) He thinks that I should let him prove that I can trust him while we are just friends and then maybe go back out if I can trust him again. Problem is, when we are friends, it's almost the same as us going out except no making out or anything like that. We still hug and hang out all the time. He has offered to go to counseling with me but right now we both are broke with no money. I'm so confused and don't know what to do. Please help. Sorry for rambling and repeating things.

 

confused and in love

[MVP]

You said it yourself.

 

He lied once.

 

He lied twice.

 

He lied for years.

 

You can't really trust him anymore.

 

A relationship is founded on trust.

 

Once it's broken, the relationship crumbles.

 

Look, he's not going to change anytime soon, so spare yourself the pain. Don't punish yourself anymore by loving him, because he's given you nothing but grief. What kind of love is that? You've become a glutton for punishment, and have perhaps confused this mistreatment for love.

You deserve better than that.

 

Take a deep breath and find a way to move on.

[QTpie87]

i am sorry to hear that,

 

i don't wanna give you the worng suggestion so i wont give you only one. i would have to say that yes people do have lieing problems some way more then others and yes they can change, so maybe he has? .

but also they can keep being like that and never really learn, some people (my dad for example) don't think anything of lieing to people, to them its just a little white lie and they don't see why people get hurt over it. but like has already been said, trust is the main building block in a relationship and if you can't count on that then what?

good luck, i would just say follow your heart and remember we are all here for you what ever you choose to do.

[Pixiemeat]

I agree with QTPie, and I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

It's obvious that you're both very much in love with each other. Perhaps he has changed, perhaps it is the beginning of the end of his lying. I understand his argument of lying to you in order to keep up the facade of a 'perfect boyfriend' - I used to do that with my parents and I still do - I lie about a lot of things in my life when I talk to them just to keep them happy. I do this not to upset them and cause undue stress and violence (in my case I absolutely cannot tell them things without a lot of risk to my life - though I have NEVER lied to my partner). Then again, he's safe with you. How would you have reacted if he'd been up front about what he was doing? If you were going to get mad, then it's kind of obvious why he didn't tell you. Also, has he lied to you about anything else?

 

Yes, trust is important, but I'd advise putting things in perspective (maybe I'm saying this because I lie about things too and have a sense of empathy towards him) - what he's done isn't massive. It hurts I'm sure, but you can both get over this. Maybe spending time with friends, going out and socialising together, meeting new people, would help reduce the sense of insularity that you both feel. My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years and we were in a similar situation to yours with regards to having no friends because we were always with each other. Yes, we enjoy each others' company a lot, but sooner or later rot and boredom will set in from one or both of the partners and they will begin looking elsewhere for excitement, whether in the form of addiction, porn, gaming, spending time away, whatever (NOT necessarily cheating).

 

I hope you do whatever you think is right.

[JaneDoe]

if he had let me know, I wouldn't have gotten mad. I told him that and he said he realizes that now and that he should just discuss things with me and not automatically think that I would get mad. He said he knows now that lies is what gets me mad. But I can't help but think, he's been with me for 7 years (6 1/2 at the time he was lying) and he didn't know to discuss things with me? I was always there for him and always talking to him about things. I guess he was addicted in some way to the game. He spent hours and hours playing (and chatting on forums and messengers to people from the game). He used to come over everyday around 11am-2pm depending on what we were doing that day. When he got addicted to the game, he started coming over at 5 or even 7pm. It was very different. These are days in which we don't work by the way, not every single day. He was very addicted to the game but when I found out he was keeping stuff from me, he dropped it right away. He said he was putting the game and his "online life" as a priority and it was wrong because he knows I'm his 1st priority. He tells me that he took me for granted and was treating me so wrongly and he wants to change. I believe him most of the time but at others I think that it's just a pack of lies again. He says that if he is still lying, why would he go through the stuff I keep putting him through just to save the relationship? He's not going to go through so much heartache and trouble if he's going to ruin again with lies. It's so hard to believe him. Sometimes my old jealousy starts creeping back and I start thinking things like "what if he was cheating and not playing the game?" or "why did he always come so late on thoses days?" It even crossed my mind that this girl from his apartment complex (that also works with us) was pregnant by him! I think I'm just getting paranoid on that one and my jealousy is starting to interfere. Uh, it's so hard, our lives are intertwined so much such as school and work and my family is like his family. He is always over here, eats here everyday and night. His "family" is his mom and he doesn't ever talk to her about his feelings. He has had many problems with her growing up and grew up without a dad. He never knew his real dad (even though he spoke to him on the phone before) and only knew his mom's boyfriends as his dad. He hasn't had a good childhood at all. Is this why he was scared to talk to me? Even after 6 years? He talks to me now a lot but is this only temporary until another "addiction" comes along? or will he lie again just to keep me happy? I can't imagine my life without him. I just wish I could trust him again and he won't take advantage of my trust. Here I go, writing a book again. I'd be interested in hearing more opinions if any of you have any.

[chardonna8]

if you're really questioning whether to stay or go...there is the perfect book out there for you. It's called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. Find it and read it.

[JaneDoe]

Thanks, I'll look for it next time I go to Barnes and Noble.

[jmh1216]

You said his excuse for lying to you is that he thought you'd get angry. The first thing I'd do is go out of my way to encourage him to tell the truth in positive ways. Maybe he has bad experiences with telling the truth -- maybe in the past it's hurt him more than lying has -- and he needs to know that he can come to you, even about bad things, and you'll be understanding. Try not to get angry if he tells you the truth about something that would otherwise hurt you. Let it go for the sake of encouraging him to tell the truth. When he does tell the truth, maybe you could let you know how much it means to you.

 

And if none of this works, there's always the possibility of leaving him, just as a reality check, to scare him into realising that lying could make him lose you. If he really cares about you, I think he'd be less inclined to lie if you came back... at least, if it was me... I think that would work.

[JaneDoe]

Thank you for your advice. I actually did break up him but I'm back with him now. Hopefully that will scare him enough. He seems really sorry and he is just so nice (now and before). I have never met anyone like him. I just hope I'm not making a mistake by staying with him. I know he's had a troubled past and hopefully he has learned about lying. If not, then I definitely will have to leave him. I can't take liars. Thanks again.

[OverParanoid]

My husband talks to alot of females online and offline - yes he lied to me about a few that calls him and when i found out about it i was pissed and yes like you i was very jealouse. with me being that way he kept lying and lying and lying . i never took the time to actually stop being jealouse and sit back and try top understand why his lying.....but dont get me wrong , its not your fault its a natural feeling everyone has. He like my husband has no excuse for lying, I say your not married there is no kids involved , get out before its to late!