Got an ultimatum, because of premature ejaculation. Any thoughts?

[ipanema-tree]

I'm 26, she's 22. We started dating in February 2008, and started making love in December 2009.

 

I suffer from a very dreadful problem that many men seem to have: premature ejaculation. Tonight I got an ultimatum from my girlfriend; she said that she wants me to see a sexual therapist soon, to fix this problem, or else she will end our relationship. I said I will go to the therapist, because I am embarrassed and humiliated of this issue, and I want to fix things too (and as a man, of course I want to satisfy her!)

 

But I also told her I am disappointed she threatened me, gave me an ultimatum, and would leave me just because of this, and that she's rather shallow for that, and that she's not the person I thought. And I said if I were her, I wouldn't end the relationship just like that.

And we got into a big fight because of this....(basically she got angry to hear my response).

 

Is my problem THAT severe? Is that enough reason for her to leave me?

 

Can a sexual therapist really help? If my nerves are too sensitive, how can they possibly be made less sensitive?

 

Cheers!

[arcadefire]

Wow, that seems like a really shallow reason to break up with someone over! I'm sure premature ejaculation can be worked on. I personally would not leave my boyfriend over that issue alone.

[jul-els]

If that's a deal breaker for her, than so be it. Since you two took so much time before having sex, I would think her feelings would be a little deeper than what she's displaying here, though. I think she's being a bit demanding about it. If you want to see a therapist, then you should by all means do it for yourself, but not for her. She seems to have little regard for your feelings. If she wants to leave over something like this, you are best off to let her go.

[faithful14]

I wouldn't make an ultimatum over that...geez. I think as long as you make the effort to work at it or try to get help, that's what should matter most. I wouldn't leave my boyfriend over it either.

[top bloke]

She is so insensitive. Do you really want to share you life let alone your body with her?

definitely go and see a sex therapist they are specialist in advising on those types of matters. They will advise you on how to make love last longer and also on your relationship problems. Just a tip...masturbation prior to sex typically makes a man last alot longer in his lovemaking ...

Good luck

[mandyc]

That would piss me off. It is not something you can control, that seems cruel of her. Even if you work on this, is that someone you really want to be with? Giving her the benifit of the doubt maybe she has just been letting this build up and it came out wrong/ more hurtful then she intended. But this is something you two need to work on together, and definatley not something that warrants an ultimatum!

 

That said, have you done any research on this? I think there are ways you can help this issue with out going to a therapist first. You can try pulling out mid way through and pleasuring her then go again when you feel calmed down a bit, she could be on top and set a slow pace, there are sex toys that go around the base of the penis and restrict blood flow and make a man last longer. There are all kinds of things, but I think the biggest issue here is her insensitivity and willingness to throw in the towel so quickly. I'd adress that issue before looking into the other.

[Theblueman123]

Maybe she's just worried and is projecting her fear by sounding harsh and angry. In reality she may not consider this an ultimatum but instead is trying to "fix" your problem by forcing you to bet help. A solution, be it that, but no the most tactful choice.

[kalaidoscopic]

Has she asked you to see a sex therapist before now? You might not see it as something to break up over now, but swap it round - if SHE kept having to stop before you were satisfied, EVERY TIME, you'd be getting a bit edgy, and don't try and say you wouldn't because everyone would, human beings are very sexual creatures. If she's feeling like not only can you not satisfy her, you don't care that you can't satisfy her, she might feel she has to give you this ultimatum to get you to do something about it. That doesn't make her shallow, that makes her human. Besides, if you're going to see the therapist anyway, what's the problem? Obviously you guys are in a serious long-term relationship, so instead of asking 'is it fair that she is giving me an ultimatum?' you should try asking 'is it fair that she has not, and may not ever, experience an orgasm while with me, the man she loves?' maybe that will help you understand her point of view.

[ipanema-tree]

If she's feeling like not only can you not satisfy her, you don't care that you can't satisfy her, she might feel she has to give you this ultimatum to get you to do something about it.

 

Hmmmmm.....may be I gave the impression that I don't care to satisfy her. Well I do.....in my web browser are bookmarks of literally hundreds of sites discussing about this issue, including fixes, ranging from psychological, practical, to medical ones. In addition, I've spent many many hundreds of dollars buying self help guide on how to fix this issue.

 

All these guides have somehow helped (i.e: in delaying the climax), but still insufficient. She's aware of all these too, and that's why she wants me to see the therapist.....I don't know, may be in her mind, a therapist is the ultimate fix.

[Circe]

I assume she's asked you to see a therapist before and you didnt get round to it - which is why she gave you the ultimatum? If not it was totally wrong of her to just deliver it like an ultimatum the first time she even raises it.

[Circe]

I wouldnt break up with a man who had an ED - but I would break up with one who had an ED and chose not to do everything he reasonably could do to overcome it - because that would mean that he had decided that I could live without a certain level of sex in order to save himself the embarassment of seeing a doctor. I'd find that selfish.

[ipanema-tree]

You can try pulling out mid way through and pleasuring her then go again when you feel calmed down a bit, she could be on top and set a slow pace, there are sex toys that go around the base of the penis and restrict blood flow and make a man last longer.

 

Thanks so much for the tips!

 

About her going on top: I've always wanted to try that.....I think it's a good idea, because it helps the guy relax more.....and I don't know, may be the reversed gravity helps too, hehe. But she doesn't want to be on top.....she said she prefers me to be on top, because it makes her feel dominated....hmmm....

 

What's the name of that sex toy that restricts blood flow?

[Honey Pumpkin]

I wouldnt break up with a man who had an ED - but I would break up with one who had an ED and chose not to do everything he reasonably could do to overcome it - because that would mean that he had decided that I could live without a certain level of sex in order to save himself the embarassment of seeing a doctor. I'd find that selfish.

 

Totally agree with this post. I know on first reading it seems selfish of her, but I get the impression that she is at the end of the tether and have refused to see a doctor/therapist before about this. Self-help only goes so far, and a lot of the money you may have shelled out will be to charlatans on the web. So - has she asked you before to see a professional and you've refused? Because if so, I think she's frustrated that you have decided that this will be her sex life without exploring all avenues, and that does put a different slant on your question, to be honest.

[top bloke]

The woman has to express the importance of their physical closeness as an extension of the true feelings they share and not just on a sexual level. This way he realises that he is not just a sex object to her but her lover on an emotional ,spiritual and now she wants that on a physical level. If she said that O bet hed be at the sex therapist right now.

[ipanema-tree]

I assume she's asked you to see a therapist before and you didnt get round to it - which is why she gave you the ultimatum? If not it was totally wrong of her to just deliver it like an ultimatum the first time she even raises it.

 

Well the first time she talked about it was 3 weeks ago, and if I didn't do it yet, is not because I didn't want to....I just didn't have the time yet as I've been extremely busy with work and all sorts of projects. But I assured her that I'll do all I can in my power to at least try to fix it.

 

I did ask her this though: "who knows what the doctor can/can't do. What if he/she can't fix the problem? What are you gonna do?"

 

She said: "I don't know, we'll see."

[ipanema-tree]

So - has she asked you before to see a professional and you've refused? Because if so, I think she's frustrated that you have decided that this will be her sex life without exploring all avenues, and that does put a different slant on your question, to be honest.

 

No, I never refused to see a professional......if I haven't done it, it's because I haven't found time yet. But I told her that I would do it.

[Circe]

She is frustrated that you can't find time and worried that the reason you can't is because you don't want to. I have been right in her shoes by the way.

 

Have you reiterated that you love her and are scared of losing her and scared that it will never get better and facing it is difficult because it makes you feel inadequate etc but you love her and WANT to fix this?

 

I think if you said this and asked her if its never fixed will that be a deal breaker she might be more receptive than if you call her shallow.

[nicki.nicki]

Wow. Thats shallow. I couldn't dream of dumping my bf because of that. If you'd only been dating a few weeks yeah ok she doesn't have a lot invested.

 

You waited a LONG time before having sex from when you first got together. And you only started, what 2 or 3 months ago and she is already giving you an ultimatim? Huh!

 

You could see a therapist, there is no guarantee it will fix the problem but she should not be threatening to leave you. Its not going to be a quick fix.

 

I'd have thought if you were dating since feb 08 she'd feel more for you, love you more than that and couldn't throw what you have away so quickly. I would think many men would be embrassed and to some extent avoid getting it checked out because of sheer embarrassment. I get she might want her 'needs' satisfied etc etc but she didn't just suggest for you to seek help for it she threatened to leave you over it.

[Red Fox]

Have you tried the condoms that are designed to reduce sensation?

 

How much is she prepared to help? For example some techniques involve exercises that the partner needs to be involved in.

 

Have a think about how premature it actually is. A 2006 study found an average "normal" man lasted about 7.3 minutes, where the average for someone with premature ejaculation (PE) was 1.8 minutes (although in severe cases this was much less). In the study there were some males who stated they had premature ejaculation but in fact could last around 25 minutes. It's all subjective though isn't it? What is she aiming for and how "bad" is it? For example would 5 minutes be a big improvement, 10 minutes, 20, 30 or 40?

 

A guide is here. link removed

[Cognitive_Canine]

I agree with Indigo.

 

She didn't say "fix your ED or we're breaking up", she said "see a doctor or we're breaking up".

 

Honestly, saying you "can't find time" tells me you aren't making it a priority. If I had an issue with my lady parts that prevented me from having sex good sex, I would have gone to the doctors/gotten the meds/bought the book/gotten the surgery 2 months ago when this became an issue.

[CBG]

I agree with Indigo.

 

She didn't say "fix your ED or we're breaking up", she said "see a doctor or we're breaking up".

 

Wrong

I did ask her this though: "who knows what the doctor can/can't do. What if he/she can't fix the problem? What are you gonna do?"

 

She said: "I don't know, we'll see."

That says a lot.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Wrong

 

That says a lot.

 

Can you explain why I am wrong?

 

I think she is being honest with him. She doesn't know what she'll do if it is unfix-able.

[CBG]

Because of what I quoted. If her only goal was to get him to see a Dr about it, then she wouldn't have answered his question with "I don't know, we'll see." She is leaving herself an exit.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Because of what I quoted. If her only goal was to get him to see a Dr about it, then she wouldn't have answered his question with "I don't know, we'll see." She is leaving herself an exit.

 

Her goal is to get the sex life together. She wants to try everything first.

 

I would leave too if the sex life wasn't good and nothing was working. I don't think she is a bad person for that.

[corrin]

I wasn't too critical of your girlfriend until you said this.

 

 

I did ask her this though: "who knows what the doctor can/can't do. What if he/she can't fix the problem? What are you gonna do?"

 

She said: "I don't know, we'll see."

 

The right answer there would have been something along the lines of, "then we'll continue to work on it together because I love you...." She's young, but old enough to know that this kind of pressure is likely to make the problem worse.

 

Now, speaking of your problem....How bad is it? Are you popping off on entry or can you last a minute or two? Assuming it's the latter, have you tried starting and stopping? How often do you masturbate? I can usually last a pretty long time. But if it's been a couple days and I jump right in and pound away, I'm going to go off like a firecracker.

 

Finally, remember that this is probably very much a psychological problem. You guys have only been having sex a couple of months and you are young. What you are going through is pretty normal in the beginning. Unfortunately, your girlfriend's approach is increasing the pressure when she should be working on reducing it.