Healing after an emotionally abusive relationship

[Nappyloxs]

Many so many new people on here.

 

Well, I am back to those that know my story. I did a post in getting back together about my recon experience.

 

From the Recon experience, I know have learned that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

It sucks admitting it as a guy, but it is true. My ex. was always so negative and constantly beating me and putting me down.

 

I read this site

link removed

 

and realized that that was my relationship. My ex was definitely the abuser.

 

Sad really, that for the first 4 months of our breakup last year, I mostly blamed myself, I thought I could make everything alright. I thought I loved this girl so much.

 

The truth is that I was dependent on her. I don't know how it happened but it did. I use to be confident when it came to women. But she really destroyed that now.

 

I know I am a great guy, not perfect but still I know I deserve better than how I was treated for 2 out of the last 3 years.

 

I could give so many examples of how my ex. treated, because they are constantly running through my head lately now that I see the truth.

 

As for my confidence, I will regain it. I know that for sure.

 

It is strange though, because I have been put down so much for the last few years, its like I think to myself "do I really want to get into that again."

 

The thing is that is not what all relationships are like. But right now, I really don't know any better. Especially when I also think of my previous ex. who was physically abusive for 2 years.

 

Now I am thinking that I am addicted to women who are abusive to me; sounds so strange, because I swear both of them could be the sweetest girl when they wanted to be.

 

Well any advice on how to rediscover yourself after such a relationship would be appreciated.

 

I know that I am going to start working out again, start doing things I want to do, and hang out with friends, along with just rediscover again who I am.

 

It's funny, because it does hurt to some degree, but it is more of a how-could-I-be-so-dumb.

[Hobbes]

My ex comes from an abuse/abandonment background. There is no way it would ever have worked out, she has a lot of malignant issues. Now I have read on here (and from many sources) that it is typical to say after being dumped (after a certain period) - 'oh my ex is just screwed up' (she must be she left wonderful me) but once I worked on 'wonderful me' and realised I wasn't so wonderful and blameless in this whole thing and worked on it, I started to research her and I uncovered some 'horrors' and I am seeing things like you and jimmajam in his post tonight (that really could have been written by me and I was going to write his post, same title this afternoon but less eloquently - I am also giving up, 6 months this weekend) - she will never change unless she faces her problems herself but she has no interest in this as she doesn't see she has any problems. The fault is always with her SO. She hops from one to other. 4 years LTR means nothing to her. At least not what it means to be, there we are very different and when she says something like 'I love you' well it means a totally different thing to when I say it to her.

 

I agree that there is too much vilifying of exs as an automatic response to the huge blow to your self esteem but once you are able to look at it properly, once there is no chance of going back, you can find some incompatibility that was not apparent and you feel better off for it as then you feel free and able to just move on and to rediscover yourself. I grabbed a few books jettison recommended in a book thread (courage, 4 agreements, power of now) that might be a good start for you Nappy, I haven't finished reading them but there is much to learn in those - about you. Reading books about relationships? Well yes initially (I didn't) but after all the time has passed and acceptance is attained and you want to look at you and grow, you need other books, not the relationship books. They might help but the focus should change because sometimes you really aren't that bad a person/'relationshipist' and whilst you made a few errors you weren't to blame as much as you thought initially.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks Hobbes

Glad to see a familiar face (or name)

 

Yes, the initial breakup is definitely about wanting them back or how could they dump me. I realized early on the mistakes I made in the relationship. BUt like your ex. my ex never even though for a second during the 4 months apart that she did anything wrong.

 

She still blames me for the initial breakup, she still treated the relationship the same way after 3 years. When we first started recon, I suggest (and paid for) couples counseling, we listened to an audio book about relationships. I was seriously trying to teach both of us what we did wrong in the past.

 

I definitely grew from the time apart. Although I wasn't happy during the last two month of recon; I still tried and still gave. She gave up and just tried to change me.

 

I know that she does not think she did anything wrong. Here is a perfect example of what she told me one day. We were arguing/talking about how unsupportive she is of my small business. I asked her why can't she support me; just give words of encourage, let me know she has my back and faith in me. (Sometimes a guy just wants to hear that from his woman). Her answer was my family supports me; why should she!!!!!! She says she is just being honest!!!

 

This is the type of negativity I have had to deal with for 2 years and when I ever confront her on it; I am Mr. Wrong. Mr Bad guy, Mr. controlling.

 

I definitely am interested in reading more. This was a very humbling experience to me. I don't like it to some degree, but I am definitely going to take it as a learning experiences and grow from it.

 

Now I will have to look up Jettison old posts.

[quirky]

Hey Nappyloxs

 

I suppose what you can do is see your place in the relationship and figure out why you stayed in that situation. Your ex wasn't getting something from you obviously which made her resentful and therefore not supportive enough. I personally don't like labels all that much but in some cases they are valid. It is very important for your partner to support your career dreams. Maybe she was jealous that you got support from your family, maybe it's something she didn't have. It's not nice but people are not perfect.

 

After the breakup we all see sides of our exes we never knew existed. The pain and betrayal each has felt can cause such defense mechanisms that we of course lose touch with our true self. Read whatever you need to read but don't go too far because too much analysis leads to paralysis. I believe in the law of physics action-reaction. I think me and my ex brought out the best and worst of each other and we were definitely in an addictive relationship. I thought so bad of him when we first split up but I don't any more..we all have issues.

 

You will think of a lot of things now and above all you have to see what you can offer realistically, who you are, what you aspire to. Build an image of that person and act as if you are him.

[Nappyloxs]

Hey Quirky!

 

I do agree with your post so much. It was more than the support factor, honestly, I have dealt with it for years now that I kind of became numb to it. But it was the only thing I wish she would have done.

 

She was satisfied in the relationship because she "expected her boyfriend" to do this and that. It was like you said; people aren't perfect. But she kept trying to change me in to what she thought was the perfect boyfriend in her mind.

 

I really wish I could tell you all these expectations, but it would be a long post. Basically it was that I need to be the breadwinner, handyman, plumber, mechanic, computer guy, and so much more. Oh by the way, her ideal guy also would work out, cook, clean, and not smoke. I posted in another thread about how, while I was watching the Super bowl, she called me up and asked why I had not planned valentine's day yet. "A good boyfriend would have done it." Or how she had so little respect for my job, that when she was getting furniture delivered and she thought she could not be there because of her job; she got mad at me when I told her I could not be there because I had to work too.

 

You mention labels; we'll she placed so many labels on what a "boyfriend" should do. Her words exactly are that "we are a label society." I don't agree with that. I never wanted her to be something she wasn't. Did not want her to be a housewife, cooking, or cleaning all day.

 

Sadly, your right. I know that I subconsciously built a defense mechanism, but still I don't know who I am before. Don't get me wrong, I still know what I want in life, in my career, I know my personality. But I built so much of my life for the last 3 years around this girl, I realize now that she wasn't worth it. I still did my own thing, had my own friends, etc... But still much of my happiness revolved around her.

 

Now I see what I thought was a happy relationship despite not being the healthiest, was not a good relationship like I thought. My ex has been very negative and since recon in December it was just so much worst. And the thing is almost everything she asked, I did and more. For it not only to be unappreciated, but also turned around and be "expected", just hurts.

 

Well, I got on here to say that I had to call my ex. this morning. Her alarm system called me because her alarm was going off. So stupid. She was saying how she sorry and just wants me to be happy. She hasn't cared about making me happy in who knows how long. I simple told her that there is nothing to be sorry about because this is what she wanted and don't try to say she is thinking about my happiness. She decided to breakup up due to her own happiness. Also, threw in there, how why would she want me a"controlling person"to be happy?

 

I know; I was bitter. But it was early and I am tired of her trying to be sweet and innocent.

 

This is the best thing for me. With all the negativity she constant put on me, I see now that I was not truly happy in the relationship and that there are much better relationships to come.

[1guygirl]

constant negativity in a relationship causes so many problems...when one doesnt feel they have self worth, or even worth in their partners eyes, then this takes time and work to get over it.

 

i am glad you have decided to put in work and that you can see in time, someone will reap the rewards, and life jus being content with oneself is a feat in itself.

 

it is a shame that your ex cannot do this for herself, but guess thats her story and youre through reading it to her

 

time out after an abusive relationship is an absolute must

[quirky]

I think it has something to do with age as well. When we are younger we tend to depend on our partners a lot more because we are not yet sorted personally and professionally. We have a more idealistic view on relationships, even with our friends. Then something happens and we realise that we take care of ourselves.

 

I can understand your ex's reaction after the breakup not that this makes it right. There are some books out there to help us women realise that "he's just not that into you" by placing very high standards on the guy. There are also friends and family telling us we were too good for them that encourages a feeling of righteousness. I thought as well that my ex had to do so much to win me back. Dranted it was 3rd time so my trust was jaded. He once told me "I feel that whatever I do isn't right". I was so sad to read that, but I guess he was right. I felt that he has tossed me for his new found independent life when I had really been there by his side. I couldn't reassure him any more, I felt that I had given him so many chances. I wanted to tell him to keep going, that I love him...but I couldn't be free any more. I was SO scared that he'd back off when things got tough. Which he did. But I don't blame him now, he was tired as well.

 

We women dream too much, see too many movies where the guy is perfect. Trust is a VERY hard thing to repair. She had her issues and you had your own.

 

Are you quite a lively person? Passionate and a little crazy? Strong but fragile in your heart? I'm only asking because I am like that. I have this passion that draws me to drama and extremeties (nothing dangerous). I saw life as such an adventure and yearned for these moments where I felt ALIVE. If you are the same maybe that's why you've been in these relationships. I mean, honestly some of the stuff me and my ex did, normal people would think wth? But I don't judge him because he was a little crazy like me. And that's why I loved him. I have recently realised that although I need to ground my self a bit I will never be ok with an ordinary person, he will never understand me. I need someone that another woman will possibly reject because he's too much or odd or not settled or as you say controlling. And I need someone who has experienced pain. It's important to understand who you are and what you like, what makes you excited. You don't have to be perfect and neither will your partner. When you pinpoint what you liked about the relationships, maybe that edgy feeling, maybe a desire to feel alive, maybe a desire to become one, maybe a desire to prove yourself..then things will make more sense. And you can try and cover those needs from other fields as well.

[Nappyloxs]

constant negativity in a relationship causes so many problems...when one doesnt feel they have self worth, or even worth in their partners eyes, then this takes time and work to get over it.

 

i am glad you have decided to put in work and that you can see in time, someone will reap the rewards, and life jus being content with oneself is a feat in itself.

 

it is a shame that your ex cannot do this for herself, but guess thats her story and youre through reading it to her

 

time out after an abusive relationship is an absolute must

 

Thanks; it was strange. During the relationship, I really did feel like I had self-worth. That I was a great guy, but like you said, knowing my partner (the one who I thought I was going to be with forever) that hurt and definitely got to me.

 

I tried to help my ex. so much with regards to relationships. Tried to tell her we need to communicate more and better, she needed to stop being so negative and unappreciative and how much it really hurt me, that she needs to put real effort into the relationship. She basically thought during recon that we weren't going to last; that right there showed it wasn't meant to be.

 

Here is what I am so happy about, that I actually feel bitter!!!!

 

When we broke up from August to December, I was so heart-broken. During two months of recon, I was happy, frustrated, annoyed. But I was never really bitter with this girl. If I was mad at her, I got over it surely by the next day, usually way before.

 

Actually coming to grips with just feeling stupid; like how in the world did I let this happen to me; really helps the healing process. I have discovered my self-worth again. Not completely, but enough to know that I did not need to be in such an unhealthy relationship and that there is someone better out there for me.