tired of trying to save my marriage

[f1r3f1y3]

Hi,

 

been married 7 years, 1 kid, I'm 28 wife 31.

 

In November last year my wife become unhappy with our marriage (probably even before that). She is a poor communicator and I had to figure out most of what I know by myself through trial and error questions.

 

She thinks there is no spark and our sex is poor. It got to the point in which she was discussing breaking up with me to her mum. I know she thinks about whether we have ever had a spark/passion/attraction since we met. I think she believes we never really had it. I believe we have never had a really passionate relationship but that we would have if she wanted it. What we have would be good enough for me if she was happy. If it wasn't for the fact she was unhappy, I'd think our relationship was good (if you know what I mean).

 

She doesn't work and almost never has, she has no independence in her life and that annoys her. We live a comfortable life on my salary. I work from home so we see a LOT of each other. She said this was a problem.

 

I feel attracted to her (physically she is better looking than me, I was fine with this until I found out she was unhappy, now it makes me insecure). I often wonder if she just wants to be with someone more handsome as appearance is important to her. I look after myself, I am all about expensive hair cuts, male grooming etc. I wear nice clothes. I am thin and in reasonable shape.

 

We really have lost the closeness, she no longer texts me all the time, she can come home from the shops and just say hi, no kiss or hug. She never hugs me infact.

 

Her opinion is we just wait and see what happens with us after she gets a job. On the other hand I always want to talk about it, as I feel I have never really got the truth. If I mention the relationship she gets angry. I managed to get her to say something last night which was "I think you're a good husband and I'm a bad wife". Which tells me pretty much nothing except that I am not bad to her, which I know already.

 

We go to our first counselling session in 2 days, I am hoping in that session she will HAVE to talk but I fear she'll use her classic "I don't know" for any questions.

 

The last 2 days have been the worst yet for me. I am really depressed with the whole thing, I want to scream. If she really thinks we never had a spark, I doubt we will ever be able to get that passion she wants, our sex will never be great for her. I feel if we didn't have our son and it wasn't for the fact she depends on me (and I give her a comfortable lifestyle) she'd have left already. I don't know if this is true, it's just a guess.

 

I don't want to spend the next 5 years of my life trying to make her happy. I am young and feel it would be best to take the devastation and move on if we don't make any progress. I can't live with someone who I know is not attracted to me for the next few years, just hoping a spark will appear.

 

I have a great job, a great family and friends. I love the country I live in and basically everything in my life is great except my marriage.

 

I am happy to work on things by dating her more, going to counselling, setting goals, helping her become more independent etc. I will do anything to make this work BUT I need the closeness. I can't stand living without that, it really tears me up wondering what she really thinks of me. When I touch her in any way I wonder if she's repulsed, happy or just feels nothing. Again she tells me nothing.

 

Thanks if you read this far and I'd appreciate any advise, I often feel like just telling her it's over and moving on with the pain, but my poor son who is just a wonderful little boy would be the one who really suffers.

[furiouspsych]

Man I'm sorry things aren't going well in your marriage. It sounds like you're doing all that you can, which is great...and you know that eventually something has to give. You can't and you shouldn't try to change yourself in anyway. (which you didn't mention, so good)

 

Do you have some buddies that you can pal around with and get some time away for a few hours?

[spearntime]

how do you feel the sex is?

 

My husband and i were going thru this. I suggested a sex night for valentines day . We got a baby sitter and he went and bought a vibrator ( i told him that would be good). Also lingerie and gels that warm and taste good. he really made an effort to give me that night.

 

We played some strip poker and rolled some foreplay dice and it was the best sex weve had in 7 years

 

With kids and stress...babies and messes...it can really really affect your rel and you don't even realize it. You think it's each other. Think about when you first fell in love. What was it that made you guys happy together? Can you recreate that for her?

[f1r3f1y3]

thanks for the replies.

 

furiouspsych - I have changed some things, I am taking motorbike lessons and loving it! I go out with friends about once every 2 weeks and I've met some old friends too. I have joined a gym. Basically I have tried to focus on myself. All the time in my life though I am living with a huge frustration that I won't even know what she's thinking.

 

spearntime - we have been quite adventurous in the past. Not sure how graphic I am allowed to get but she uses a vibrator (infact she can't climax unless she does). She likes watching kind of classy porn, professional stuff, together which is great (I now realise this is probably because because I don't turn her on though!). We have done some dress up too. We are both quite up for anything, but since this whole thing started I have lost my confidence with it.

 

How I feel about the sex is that it is just something that needs to be worked on, generally I am happy we have the rest of our lives to perfect it.

 

However it feels as though her feelings are more deep rooted and that any attempt to do something exciting would just turn out to be a disaster at the moment.

[f1r3f1y3]

"Think about when you first fell in love. What was it that made you guys happy together? Can you recreate that for her? "

 

I thought about this. I was working abroad when we met. Her life at that time was not good at all and I think I kind of just swept her off her feet.

 

We got married reasonably quickly, I knew it was what I wanted. The sex was never amazing though even at the start. I was very comfortable with her, we had sex frequently, every night for the first year even. She wanted it more than me back then but maybe it was more psychological than for the passion.

 

Up until a few weeks ago we still had sex 2-3 times a week. It has only been once in the past 2 weeks now though, and I know she didn't enjoy it.

 

I wish I believed it was only the sex, then I would believe it could be fixed.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds like she was never really a happy person and just plodded along in life letting life just pass her by. There are just some people like that who are not happy and excited about anything much in their life...just plodding along. I really don't think it is you...I think she is just generally unhappy and unfulfilled period. Her life wasn't that great when you met..so she found someone to take care of her...she is not working..has she ever worked? How is she with your child? Does she get excited about anything in life or is she just flat and empty in general? Does he have friends? Does she have hobbies and interests (aside from shopping). I think the real issue is her own dissatisfaction in life and lack of motivation.

[f1r3f1y3]

Crazyaboutdogs I can totally understand this, it sounds so right now that you said it.

 

Her life has always been about our son and I. She has looked after us for years and she found it hard to be a mother when he was a baby. She always thought she was bad at it but she wasn't, she was and is a great mother and my son loves her to pieces. He is much easier now, he is turning out really well and it's mostly because of her.

 

She has only ever worked briefly and she has few interests, none of which get her out to do things regularly.

 

We lived in a huge city before and she had loads of friends. Now (a year ago) we moved back to my home country where she has no family and few friends. She has 1 really good friend here and about 2 others who she does see much.

 

I always tell her to get out and make a life for herself, meet people and keep an open mind about everything. It is only since she decided our relationship wasn't working that she has said she would do this. She is now trying hard to get a job, and she says she's going to join a tennis club, something she has always wanted to do but never has.

[spearntime]

I think at least to me it's coming together quite a bit.

 

She is in a new country? Even a new city can take quite a long time-years- for most people to get used to.

 

I think I agree w/ the above post. It sounds as though she is having a rough time with her own happiness. I have had the same issue.

 

Her happiness is her responsibility.

 

My next question is: Are you happy?

 

Honestly, whenever I have been down the most my spirituality and religious renewal has helped the most. Is this part of your union and relationship?

[f1r3f1y3]

I am happy happy happy, the only single thing in my life that makes me unhappy is my wifes unhappiness!

 

It's not exactly a new country, we have lived here before. She has no family here though (although they have been TERRIBLE with this whole thing, they have practically disowned her since she suggested we might not work out). We live next to a great city for getting out and making a life for yourself, it has everything and wonderful people.

 

My next question: if she DOES go out and get a life, will she then leave me anyway with her new found excitment.

 

We are both Christians, do you think attending church together every week would help?

[april15]

Church can help if you both have faith and it is a positive experience. If one of you finds it a chore, it can become another wedge, pay attention, communicate. Keep communicating. You have to walk that fine line between caring and needy. Let her find her way on her own but have her tell you about it. Be supportive and ready to jump in "IF" she invites you. Good Luck! Be honest, be yourself, take it a day at a time.