Anger & letting it out....

[dikaia880]

Hey Everybody...

Maybe I'm hitting the anger stage, or it's just an angry day, but I do know that you need to get anger out or it will eat you up...so here's some ranting and venting...Keep in mind I have a very sarcastic sense of humor most of the time...

 

I'm sorry that I tried as hard as I possibly could, and that according to you I was "everything you ever dreamed of"...that must have made it really hard on you...

 

I'm sorry that I would drive hours and hours to come see you...again it must have been hard for you to see me as much as that...

 

I'm sorry that I would talk to you for hours on the phone each day, staying up late when I had to work early...I wish I had been able to talk to you as much as you wanted to...

 

I'm sorry that you cried because you missed me, I'm sorry that you missed me too much to be with me...

 

I'm sorry that you were the one that talked me out of buying a house, a dog, and others things I wanted because when we got married I'd have to sell the house, and the dog wouldn't like you because you couldn't see it all the time, I'm really sorry that in the end after all you talk of marriage your the one that wasn't ready for a serious relationship...sounds like a damned excuse to me...

 

I'm am really sorry that all those times your boss/friends/parents/whoever pissed you off, or that when you just needed to hear my voice, or when you missed me after you broke it off that I was there for you to make you feel better, even at 2 or 3 am...I'm sorry I helped you get over me...

 

I'm sorry that everytime you felt like talking about your feelings for me that I listened, but when I had something to say about 'us' you just didn't want to talk about it...I should have realised that it's a one way street...your way or no way...

 

I'm sorry that someday your going to realise I am the one for you, and I'm sorry that I just might not be available, and I'm sorry that it's going to hurt...

 

I'm sorry that I put everything else below you...I'm sorry I treated you better than you may have even deserved at times...I'm sorry I was so understanding...

 

I'm sorry everyone else but you see's your mistakes...

 

I'm sorry that I'm still in love with you, that I still hold you above most everything...

 

I'm sorry that if we ever get back together that I won't be the way I was...I won't be the push over all the time...I won't go out of my way for you until you do the same for me....

 

Okay, I could go on and on, but I gots work to do...

I still love this girl with all my heart, and even though all the crap she's put me through, i don't see that changing anytime soon...It's been 5 months, and I haven't let myself let go...maybe this anger stage will help, if thats in fact where I'm at...

Again most of this is sarcastic, and maybe won't make sense to some of you, or maybe it will make perfect sense...I'm just frustrated with my life at this point and needed to get some of that off my chest....

Much Love for all of you who come here...it's been a huge help for me and others...I get on here almost everyday, and I can truly feel the love and caring all of you people have, it's amazing the way we all care about people we don't know....

[Mako47]

Or, you could crank up SLIPKNOT!!!

 

Yeah, now that's heavy!

 

Try #5 from 'Iowa'....'tis called "The End Of Everything"

 

 

one of the lines....

 

"I think I'm gonna be sick, and it's YOUR FAULT!"

 

What a release......*whew*

[shockeddismayed]

Great Post Dikaia!

 

The last few days I have been in the exact same place. I'm moving up on 3 months of being split from my 7 year GF, and the slow progress of working through things has me frustrated... let me see if this will help.

 

I'm sorry that you told me a month ago how upset you are going to be on the May long weekend and on my birthday in June. I'm sorry you know so far in advance that you will be heartbroken, yet you won't take the initiative to change it.

 

I'm sorry that even knowing how brokenhearted about all of this you are, you haven't the courage to take control of the situation.

 

I'm sorry that even admitting that you are worried you will be the one who ends up realizing your mistake too late, and ending up broken hearted, you can't find the time to make this a priority right now... that you seem content to push it away and hide from it.

 

I'm sorry that you admitted you think much of what happened was situational... that if we'd communicated better this would never have happened. I'm sorry that you can admit that much of this was that you misinterpretted my funk/depression as me being unhappy with you, yet you were too afraid to ask.

 

I'm sorry that I spent all of May listening to you and working things out with you. I'm sorry that you told me that you'd heard all the things you'd needed in order to try again, yet you still can't muster the courage for the leap of faith.

 

I'm sorry that you have admitted that your inability to communicate with me started as a fear that I would leave you. I'm sorry that when all of this started 7 years ago I helped you realize that it was ok to expose yourself to love. I'm sorry I spent years proving to you that I was worth trusting. I'm sorry I loved you and was faithful despite repeated long-distance issues. I'm sorry it was never enough for you to completely let your guard down.... I'm SO sorry I assumed that we'd/you'd dealt with this issue when you fell in love with me.

 

I'm sorry that you've admitted you might need to see counselling to talk about this, yet despite the fact that you are STUDYING TO BE ONE, you are still too concerned with the price, the fear of never having been, and the time comittment to actually get around to going.

 

I'm sorry that despite the fact you brought up couples counselling, and I offered to go, that you were more concerned with working your own crap out first. And I'm sorry that you would rather do things alone.... but most importantly I'm sorry that I gave you the impression that my patience was undying, and that you now probably think I will still be around in 6 months, a year, a decade later when you sort this out. I'm sorry that I'll have been forced to give up and realize I deserve better.

 

I'm sorry that after hearing you talk on and on about how I'm your soulmate and that our issues are all workable, that you can't bring yourself to call me up for a simple $*@$ing coffee. I'm sorry you are so afraid of what seeing me might do to you.

 

I'm sorry that 3 months after the fact, you still haven't found ANY peace in this decision. I'm sorry that you haven't the faith to realize that it is b/c you have MADE THE WRONG DECISION. I know it, our friends know it, your family knows it.

 

Most of all... I'm sorry you KNOW ALL OF THIS, yet you still can't string it together enough to realize that this is as much as you will ever solve. That changing things requires your effort in a progressive, moving forward sense. I'm sorry you miss me... you love me... you feared me... you lost the ability to communicate with me... you misinterpretted my funk. You dumped me.

[dikaia880]

Mako...No offense, but I pretty much hate Slipknot....

 

When I get home i'll throw in "The Decline" by NOFX and crank it up...Then I'll have throw in either Dropkick Murphy's or maybe a little Flogging Molly...

 

Shocked, thanks for the reply, it feels good to vent like that..helps get the things out of my head a little...I have much more..maybe I'll jsut put a couple a day...

 

Oh yeah, I'm sorry that when I saw you a month after we broke up that you cried for three days before sending me an email that I, my roommate, and his fiancee all thought was basically saying you wanted to get back together...and that you said once you saw me "all the feelings (you) had supressed for me came to the surface" leaving you crying...I'm sorry that I read into that email and thought for once you would let you heart lead your decisions....I'm sorry that your email gave me so much hope that now 3 or 4 months later I'm still holding on, that you are still constantly on my mind, day and night...I'm terribly sorry...

[lisaria]

Great idea dikaia! I have some venting to do also.

It always seems just about the time I think I'm getting over this I do something stupid. I thought it would bring closure, but it did what I was afraid it would do. It has set me back a few months and now I have to start again trying to heal. Why do I do this??? Yeah, I thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, but who knew? Who knew he was going to do me like he did? How do you handle it when they come on so strong and do such nice things and say things that make you think you are everything to them and that you will be together forever? That you'll have a life together. Why do they do that? And then it's, "Oops, sorry. I don't want you anymore. I don't need you anymore. Get lost!" And that left me on the floor trying to catch my breath while you waltzed out the door with your "other" freaking g/f. The one you forget to mention. Oh excuse me...."I'm not interested in anyone else." That is what you said, isn't it? Your EXACT words, you A**h0(e!!!!!

I'm sorry you were a scumbag disguised as someone nice. I'm sorry I was there for you so many gd times when I should have told you to p!ss off. I'm sorry I was there for you when your brother died. I'm sorry I was there for you when your baby was sick. I'm sorry I was there for you when you were lonely and wanted company. I'm sorry I was there for you at your housewarming as your "Significant Other" which was what you called me. You f'ing dic'he.. I'm sorry I was there to hold your hand when your ex started telling you how much she wanted you to be a family again. While her b'f was out of town. I'm sorry I was there for you during the holidays!

I'm sorry I cared about you so much. I'm sorry I tried to make things better for you. I'm sorry I was there when you had to rant and rave about your ex, your job, your golf game. I'm sorry I went on those trips with you. I'm sorry I met your friends and became friends with them. I'm very sorry I'll never see them again. I'm sorry I bought all that lingerie for your benefit. I'm sorry I spent so much time with you. I'm sorry I was there for you whenever you called or came by. I'm sorry you aren't hurting now. I'm sorry you got a promotion and a new girlfriend. I'm sorry things are going so gd well for you!!!!

I'm sorry you left. I'm sorry I'm feeling so sad. I'm sorry I am still hanging on waiting for you to call or email or come by. I'm sorry the one thing in my whole life that felt right was so wrong. I had given up ever finding someone who I could love so whole heartedly and who would love me the same way. I'm sorry I thought it was you. I'm sorry I met your family. I'm sorry I fell in love with your little boy. I'm sorry he loved me back. I'm sorry I will not ever know how he's doing or whether your new g/f is treating him as good as I did and if he likes her as much.

I'm sorry you are such a sorry man who has his own problems to deal with. I'm sorry you won't be sleeping in the bed beside me. I'm sorry we won't have that wine cellar like you thought. Or the dog we picked out. Or the house at the beach in July. I'm just so sorry you had to include me in your life and then exclude me so cruelly. I don't understand that. I don't understand how something that felt so right was so wrong. I just don't understand.

[Mix Maxster]

Right on brother!

 

Man I think I'LL get in on some of this action!

 

Man it must be SO hard getting everything you want! And OH so hard not being forced out of your house because you're allergic to cats and was getting verbally abused. OH how hard that must all be! TO have such a nice loving family who supports and encourages you to do well and lets you walk all over them in hopes you will appreciate what they give you. But how could you? Your life is oh so hard, man I don't know how you don't want to take a knife and end it right now it's so hard!

 

Not having to pay bills, not having to work, not having to worry about getting yelled at for nothing, not having to shake in your bed because of everything that was said that night, not having to worry about funding your education, not worrying about having to purchase a car or learning any responsibility because IT'S ALL HANDED TO YOU! MAN that's gotta freaking SUCK, jeez I don't know how I can think I'm so good when obviously you have everything and you work so hard for it. Jeez I had no idea it was that hard for you.

 

How I was able bake cookies and cake and other such wonderful things for you, how I was able to give you what you wanted when you wanted, how I was able to cook NICE meals for you and sometimes for your family, damn it must be so hard having someone to go to great lengths to make you happy. It's no wonder you wanted someone else, that's just too damn ROUGH I mean who would want that?!

 

Man I COULD go on myself and I tell you I would SO enjoy saying that to my ex so she can twist and turn and feel the pain I went through. All that I did wasn't enough and how she gets everything she wants from her parents and that's STILL not enough. Man what a real winner she is hey? She gets everything and the one thing her parents truly ask from her, they think THEY'RE being stupid and she hates them. God how could I have liked someone as selfish as her?

[GeeCee]

Dikaia

 

There will be a point where you realise that you HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO BE SORRY FOR AT ALL.

 

Call it an epiphany, a revelation, a thunderbolt. Whatever, when it comes, it brings clarity and relief.

 

Thinking of you.

 

G xx

[dikaia880]

No GeeCee, it's all sarcastic...

 

I am not sorry for treating her the way she (at one point) deserved...I'm just sorry (for her) that she isn't able to realise how good she had it...

[spatzcolumbo]

HAHAHAHAHA

 

Dikaia, yet again you amaze me with your ability to say pretty much exactly what i wanted to say.

 

I did the stupid thing of actually venting to her in an email. Do i regret it? Possibly. did it need to be said? Yes.

[dikaia880]

Hey Spatz...Don't worry about the email, I've only done that a bunch of times...LOL, I don't think in the end it really matters how we handled it...what does matter is how we will handle it...I'm in a confident mood today for whatever reason...Last night my living situation for when I get to school finally got figured out and now all thats left to do is wait two months, quit the job I hate, and get back to school...then we'll see what happens with the ex...In all honesty it's possible I get back there we spend sometime together and find out she's changed to the point where she's not the girl i love, or it could be like it was when we first met...won't know until then...it's sort of exciting...the thought of what may or may not happen...

But hey, I've had these confident moods before, I won't let it be a high with an equal low, but I'm sure I'll be venting soon enough! LOL