Almost ended it all.

[winslow33]

Last night I tried to kill myself. Took a whole bottle of 0.25MG Alprazolam (got them prescribed to me about a week ago as antidepressants).... Eventually I just passed out on the floor. No memory of what happened leading up to this execpt for 4 empty bottles of beer and the empty bottle of pills. Woke up puking everywhere, feeling really dazed and out of it. From what I was reading about them, by all rights I should have slipped into a coma. I wish I had of, wouldn't be here right now....

[MakestheBest]

Why? Whats wrong. You can't really want to die...after all you're reaching out for help now. So whats the problem?

[bluestreak]

There is a part of you that still wants to live Winslow. That part of you clearly succeeded last night. It took struggle, but you admitted in your heart last night, that suicide is not your answer.

 

I have been in major despair with my life, you are not alone with your struggles. I understand how you feel. I seriously considered suicide in the past. If you wanna talk and just let some out, feel free to PM me.

[Dako]

I'd guess you weren't getting relief from the meds at a therapeutic dosage. If you prefer life, you might ask the prescribing physician how long it should take for symptoms to subside and ask for a refill.

 

If you just want to give up, that's up to you. Wouldn't it be a drag to permanently wreck your health and have to live with it? There was once a member here that did just that.

Sad story.

[MakestheBest]

Winslow..I really want to hear you story.

 

So please post, but I;m about to pass out at my desk so I'll have to tune back in tomo morning. I hope you have dreams of courage, friend. Think about it this way...you have the rest of your life to die. Don't you want to see what is around the corner first? Every day is a day that things can begin to change.

 

Stay Strong.

MtB

[Happiest26]

Please, PLEASE, talk to someone!! I did a similar thing a while ago. There is NOTHING that is worth killing yourself over!! You have the internet, obviously, so you can search and find people who care!! And I'm sure you can talk to your doctor. If not, find another one who will listen. In the meantime, there are people on enotalone who care and will listen. Just PLEASE, don't do anything like that again.

[winslow33]

Nothing in my life since the day I turned 10 has gone right. You try having everyone youve ever been close to die. Especially seeing first-hand your best friend since childhood get shot and killed in a drive-by. And if it had of happened 30 seconds sooner it would have been me not him. The way it should have went down. Because of this I try not to get close to anyone.... And I suffer from depression, have (had i guess now?) medication but nothing really works. I'm getting thrown out of my house soon, got no money, nowhere to go, no job, no friends I can stay at... I want to end it before it gets worse...

The funny thing is I have no clue why i OD'd. I mean, I got a '.22' hunting rifle and a '.38 Special' handgun in the room would have taken care of me alot easier and 99% more effectively...

 

As for seeing my doctor or a councilor, as from my experience all of them ive been to really couldnt give a crap about thier patients. There just there to get there nice little paycheck and go home to thier perfect wife and perfect kids, driving a nice car with a large circle of friends. Im sure theres some that arnt like this, that DO care, but Ive never been fortunate enough to deal with them

[teabee]

winslow I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling like this.

 

I understand what you mean about counselors, however remember they are professionals and it's their job is to help you, not to feel miserable with you. They can't offer friendship, but they can offer a different sort of support that maybe you would benefit from. Maybe with this in mind you can give it another try and appreciate the knowledge and techniques they have that can help you heal.

 

Sounds like there are issues and traumas that need to be worked out. There is a beautiful future out there for you somewhere. It may take some work for you to reach it, but I know you'll find it's worth it.

 

The fact that you are here talking about it AND the fact that you didn't use a gun show that life is still tugging on you and trying to help you stay on this planet. What are the things you DO want to live for?

[bluestreak]

Thanks Winslow. You have given a slew of information and we really appreciete that as we would like to help you.

 

How old are you? Why are you getting thrown out of where you live?

[bluestreak]

Winslow is OK.

[winslow33]

teabee: I cant honestly think of anything I want to live for. There's not too much good left. The ONLY thing somewhat keeping me going was my now ex-girlfriend, because I knew she would be the only person who would care if I died. Now she's gone out of my life too.

 

I applied for the Reserves, got denied because of my two broken ribs and my depression.

 

bluestreak: I'm almost 17. Getting thrown out of my house because my folks are throwing me out... We dont exactly share a good relationship with eachother

[MakestheBest]

You didnt use the rifle because you really don't to do it. You really don't. You're holding on, dude. Thats a good thing. @ the reserves were you denied because you have HAD broken ribs or because they were currently broken? Also how did they know about the depression? Medical records.

 

Your life hasn't sucked since 10...now that you're feeling low its your perspective that sucks right now. I mean your girlfriend was a good thing ( most things end at some point, it doesnt mean it was a bad thing, you benefitted from what you had, plus ure really young you have a LOT of things both good and bad to come in your life. Dont you want to stick around and see what those things are). Also next time you get really close to your breaking point you should try calling a suicide hotline. Try not to be pessimistic about how they don't care about you, most of those people are volunteers and are doing it for little or no money. You are talking to someone who wants to help people.

 

I remember things got bad for me like 5 or so years ago...I was a wreck. My life had sucked for like 6 years straight ( at least that what i looked like to me). I was trapped in a city with no real friends, no boyfriend or relationship to speak of for almost three years. I hated my job. My car was being held together by two frigging threads and costing me a fortune. I was broke, all my clothes had holes in i I was there for school and school had ended, yet I couldnt leave- I was trapped. I couldnt even go back home to my mom- because she was out of work and in danger of losing the house. Everyone i loved was broke. I hated my life. I didn't feel like I had anybody. I felt like no one really cared about me.

 

I used to have to slip away from my desk to go to the bathroom to cry like 6 times a day and come back so noone knew. And I started thinking about how I would end it. Im my mothers only child and that would devastate her, so my plan was to transfer all the money into her account...take my license plate off of the car file the registration down and dump it. Get rid of all my I.D. so no one could recognize me and then take a bunch of pills until I passed out. I figured if she didn't know if i was dead for sure she wouldnt be as hurt. .... I had this whole fantasy going on in my head. It was horrible

 

anyway, I called a suicide hotline. The counselor started asking me to talk about it and how I would do it. And as I was talking I realized how nutz it all sounded to me- I actually started to laugh a little at myself. What was I thinking??. And that if I was going thru all of this trouble to conceal it from people ( my mom , my best friend). Obviously it was because knew they cared. I didnt stop being depressed that day, or the next day or the next but realizing I didnt and NEVER EVER wanted to off myself made me start to fight. And these days I'm really happy and have been so for awhile.

 

You don't want to die dude, you should realize that. Thats the first step

[winslow33]

My ribs fractured about 5 years ago, I got hit by a car. Didn't realize for another year... They decided it would be riskier to operate them than to just leave them alone, so thats how it went down. They dont bother me exept for getting punched in the chest. Or the odd lump that it created (interesting post-sex topic LOL) and that and the depression were on my record. That and a blemish on my criminal record-- got drunk last year and had the stupid idea to go carhopping. All of this and I can kiss my military career goodbye.