Drinking in your relationship

[DN]

This girl has issues that she needs professional help to get past - and catering to her will not serve either of you.

 

There is more to this than just the drinking as she seems to have a need to control and shape you to her liking. And even if you gave in she would continue to find new things to change.

 

But to address the drinking issue - her problem with her alcoholic father is her problem but she is attempting to address it by making you change your life rather than in dealing with her issue herself. That won't work her problems will still be there only they will be masked by you abstaining - essentially you become an 'enabler' which is somewhat ironic because it is usually an enabler who is in denial about an alcoholic.

 

Bottom line - don't change because of her issues. She needs to deal with them herself.

[nutbrownhare]

Perhaps I'm just hanging on to the hope that she'll grow out of this phase/midset.

 

My main issue is that I can see I'd start resenting her if I just let her have her way.

It is fatal, absolutely fatal, to hang on in a relationship in the hope that the other person will change (that is the terrible mistake of people who choose addicts of any kind as partners). Not only will you end up resenting her, but, if you keep letting her have her way, you'll lose all sense of yourself, too.

 

You could suggest that she gets professional help for her issues - THEN LET GO THE OUTCOME. Carry on living your life the way which seems appropriate to you, carry on being respectful, but don't cave in.

 

Incidentally, is it just the drinking which makes her feel uncomfortable about you going out with your friends? Or is it also because you're out and about doing something for yourself which doesn't include her?

[citymouse]

I think ultimatums in relationships are unfair in general, especially when the other person has already compromised very fairly.

 

 

I agree with this.

 

I also think this sounds like controlling behavior on her part and that she probably learned it at home. Based on her ultimatum, it sounds like she hasn't processed through this and that this is a sign of things to come if you stay together.

 

Besides which the level/frequency of drinking you're describing is a complete non-issue.

 

I also think it was insulting that she said the only reason you get together with your guy friends is to drink. That is ridiculous.

[greywolf]

I think that under those circumstances (alcoholic father), the best thing for your gf to do would be to find someone who doesn't drink at all. She can't expect someone to stop drinking for her. But if it's something that really bothers her, then she needs to break up with you and find someone else.

[Chriz]

Incidentally, is it just the drinking which makes her feel uncomfortable about you going out with your friends? Or is it also because you're out and about doing something for yourself which doesn't include her?

 

Drinking makes her feel uncomfortable and that's the main issue. She did also say once that I don't invite her out much with freinds and maybe she feels left out. I do invite her out with them, but in a lot of cases it's a 'guys' night where we catch up every 1-2 weeks. When they bring their partners so do I. There have been times when she was the only girl there as well. She doesn't really have any freinds she'd spend time with, so perhaps there's a feeling of jealousy or abandonment?

[JackAfrica]

I also think this sounds like controlling behavior on her part and that she probably learned it at home.

.

 

Yep, thats where they learn it, from dear ole mom.

[clh2009]

Hi. I am in a situation with my husband but ours is bad. We both drink. I am trying to get sober. I was sober for a good 9 months and then relapsed and he gets so angry now. He drinks daily and it takes a toll on me. we have separated now. The only thing I can say is I understand where she is coming from but then again if you don't drink that much then she should probably lay off a little. Has she ever considered going to a Al-anon meeting? not because of you but because of her father. I hope for the best for you two.

[Chriz]

Just to keep people updated, we talked more about it and I said, that perhaps I can ease off the alcohol, as I've already essentially done this anyway, but I don't want to commit to saying I'll never drink when the reality is that I probably would on the odd social occasion or work place function. If she can't take that answer then I'm not sure what else there is to do.

[Chriz]

We actually had a bit of a break up, but before we did she told me excactly what she thought was constantly upsetting her. Basically because of her past she can't be around someone she cares about when they're drinking alcohol. She said a lot of the small arguments we had really went back to this main issue. Apart from having an alcoholic abusive father and an ex boyfriend who started drinking and became violent towards her, she had lost a close friend in high school who had one or two drinks at a party. Her friend was in a car as a passenger (so she did the right thing by not drink driving), but the driver may have also had a couple of drinks. They were involved in a car accident and the passenger being her close friend passed away. She was actually called in to the morgue to identify the body, so I'm not surprised she is shaken by the whole thing.

 

She also found out in high school that a primary school teacher she liked had passed away due to liver cancer which was most likely due to drinking alcohol. The teacher only drank in moderation such as a glass of wine a night. So basically anytime I went out to drink she would be upset that I may one day be a casualty of alcohol and then she'd lose someone else that was close to her. She didn't want to have to deal with that again. Knowing this now in hindsight, was I selfish for saying I don't think I can quit 100%? Should I have made a greater effort. Should I have encouraged her to seek counciling?

[nutbrownhare]

She needs to deal with her issues, not to try and control you to avoid her anxieties. If she has not dealt with the grief and anger from the tragedies she has witnessed, of course she's not going to be able to cope with you drinking, appropriately, socially. For her own sake, she needs to deal with these traumas in whichever way suits her. But controlling other people will not help her in the long run.

 

My father committed suicide; he took a paracetamol overdose. However, this does not mean that I stand in the way of people who want to take paracetamol for a headache.

[Chriz]

OK I agree she needs to deal with her anxieties, but it's hard when she'd rather not face them. Wouldn't it have been my duty in the relationship to try and help her, or would it have been wiser to support her with her "choices"?

[DN]

Knowing this now in hindsight, was I selfish for saying I don't think I can quit 100%?

Do you really mean 'can't quit" or that you don't want to?

[Chriz]

It is a case of not wanting to say I will quit because I know I am going to drink socially with friends once in a while. I personally see nothing wrong with having one or two drinks with freinds when out for dinner as long as you know your responsibility when driving.

[DN]

OK - just so long as you know the difference between "can't quit" and "don't want to."

[Chriz]

Yes that is a good point. I suppose it boils down to not wanting to quit.

 

For her own sake, she needs to deal with these traumas in whichever way suits her. But controlling other people will not help her in the long run.

 

She didn't see this as controlling, but wanted me to understand her view and make a sacrifice in order to show that I loved her. I told her I could meet her half way and not drink around her which is a compromise and not a sacrifice, but ultimately that wasn't enough for her. The issue is at friend's birthday parties. It would be normal for me to drink for the occasion, but having her there would have been a problem. Not bringing her to friends birthdays would also have been a problem as she would feel I'm ditching her for freinds when she'd want to be a part of my friend group.

[nutbrownhare]

She didn't see this as controlling, but wanted me to understand her view and make a sacrifice in order to show that I loved her.

With respect to her, this is controlling. Would she SERIOUSLY think that carrying on drinking responsibly would be a sign of lack of love for her? In a healthy relationship, one partner does not try to make the other 'prove' their love by modifying their behaviour. This sounds like a variation of the classic:

'If you loved me, you would ... (insert action of your choice here)'. It's manipulative.

[Chriz]

Yeah that's my thoughts. She tried to say that all couple need to make some sacrifices in their relationships to make it work, but I saw it as a bit one sided.