How to move on? Need advice.

[VeraLynn]

I work with my ex, but we've haven't been talking for a few weeks now, excluding one lunch break a week ago. During that break, he accepted my apology, basically told me that he loves me and when he's around me he wants to try again, but knows that it doesn't work out. I told him I wasn't interested in trying again right now and that I'm slowly falling out of love. He then said "I love you with all of my heart and right now I wish I could take you away from here. Have a good life."

 

But, the question is, how do you get over the regret and the anger? He doesn't consume my mind as much as he did when we first broke up.. but I still find myself a little bit bitter and jaded on the whole situation.

 

We were together 2.5 years and he told me that he can't remember one single happy moment and that we have nothing in common.. He also said the relationship was well over for him months (about 6) prior to him leaving. After he said that, I went NC, and we ended up rekindling for a few months because he said "I can't lie to myself anymore, I'm still in love with you and there isn't anyone out there that can change that." We enjoyed a great holiday (visited his family), but things just changed again.

 

He seems to be on a hunt for this perfect girl.. He wants someone strong, driven, intelligent, beautiful and secure. It sort of hurts in a way because I'm about to graduate with an engineering degree, extremely athletic, and told all the time that I should model. On top of that, I'm the youngest manager at the company we work at.. So, it's sort of throwing my self-esteem for a spin to have someone I care about tell me I'm not what he's looking for when what he's looking for is everything I aspire to be.

 

On top of that, he told me he's clinging on to all the things I've ever done wrong in order to hate me. We pass sometimes in the office and don't even acknowledge each other. I still flinch when I see him because I was in love with him for a long time, we were going to buy a house, get married, and he had kids names picked out. It was very serious.

 

Now he's out running around, getting drunk, going to the bar with his boys, and sleeping with anyone he can and looking for the quickest replacement.

 

It's a harsh reality and it makes me extremely depressed a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dwelling, I'm going to the gym still, out with the girls, and hanging out with friends-- but my mind is still plagued with the intense feelings of anger, remorse, guilt, rejection and sadness.

 

I don't know how to move away from it. Time has healed me a lot, but sometimes I get so down I don't even feel like putting effort towards anything. I don't understand how I could be in love with someone so deeply and then have them rip me down to size.

 

On top of that, I'm already beating myself up for taking him back after he slept with three women (that most men wouldnt touch with a stick) with in the first three weeks of the first break up. He also told me then: "I don't want to be with you again, I dont want you to block the view if Ms. Wonderful happens to pass by."

 

It's a crushing feeling to be so hurt and just see him out running and having the time of his life. I know he's hiding his feelings deep inside and trying to ignore them, but I feel like I'm worth more than being buried like I never existed. Oh, he also said he hates the fact that he "wasted" so much time on me and wishes he could take it all back.

 

Mind you, I never cheated, I never lied (until I checked his email twice after the break-up and admitted guilt), wasn't clingy, total advocate for guys night, and I always went out of my way to boost his ego and make him feel good.. so I don't understand why he's acting that way.

 

Any advice or possible reasons?

[1guygirl]

sorry you are goin thru this ....guys like him are always on the hunt for someone better....they never find them and are never satisfied and never truly happy cos even fair maidens can fall off pedestals.

 

i guess hes figuring this out hence his declarations of love

 

he wants someone beautiful driven and all the rest of it...but what is he? is he handsome driven and all that??? leave him to his fairytale, cos hes NOT having the time of his life...sleeping with easy girls and not the high standards of his, must be taking its toll. he looks at you and i bet kicks himself cos he left someone who WAS all that...hence why he puts you down. but dont feel sorry for him, he made his choices and thought he could do better, now you jus keep on as you are and you WILL do better cos men like this are easier to go up a notch or two from

 

hes not a nice guy and you will thank your lucky stars in time when you re-read what an arse hole he is

[EQIQ]

Remember what he did over the phone that day? Don't let this guy into your heart again. Or well, if he is there, try to take him out. He was soo disrespectful of you, treated you soo badly. The only thing he deserves from you is silence.

[VeraLynn]

I won't lie, he's not gorgeous, he's about average, but it never bothered me. The only thing that bothered me was how insecure he was about it, but I always told him I thought he was handsome. When we met, he was skinny as he had recently lost over 100lbs, but he had all the stretch marks and stuff like that-- he was afraid to be shirtless in public. I never paid any mind to it because I loved the person he was deep inside. As time progressed and he got comfortable, he did gain some weight back-- it still didn't bother me and I told him he was just as handsome as ever. Was I as physically attracted to him as I am more fit guys? No, however, I would have chosen him over them any day and did frequently.

 

I guess a part of me fears that he will find someone better. When I tell my friends this fear, they literally laugh in my face. I never felt like I was too good for him, I always felt like he was a great guy and someone I truly treasured with all of my heart. Still to this day I think so highly of him that I think I'm easily replaceable when people tell me otherwise.

[Brenda222]

Im so sorry you feel this way. I do feel the same way you do. You sound like a great girl and got your life together. Dont do what I did. I let things go, had good jobs and couldnt keep them because of my hurt. I couldnt focus on work. Now I am out of work and trying to find a job. Church has helped me so much. When I got with my ex 7 years ago he told me I was the kind of girl he has been searching for all his life. Well he found me, drinking and put downs sent me into constant depression and trying to please him. It seems that every time he put me down and I feel like crap, he felt like he was on top of the world. Now we are broke up, after 7 years, and when I see him I put on a happy face. I'm pleasant and speak and act so happy. When you see him at work, speak and be overly pleasant. I know mine cant figure it out. He told me he didnt love me then got back with his ex. He claimed he was not cheating but the minute he put me out of our home she was moving in a month later. I know this and it hurts that she is sleeping in our bedroom with him. What I do. I still speak, smile and be pleasant to him. I wont let him see any hurt. People wondered why I still was in love with him. I still cant shake my inlove feeling. I have an ex that I broke up with 8 years ago before I met this one. After 8 years he now realizes what he has and wants me back. I told him don't ever call me again. I was talking to him on the phone, then realized why I left him. Then I caught myself and told him dont ever call me again because I dont want to be back with him. Eventually he stopped calling. Your man is gonna realize what he lost. Take it from experience with the last one I had. If he is searching and has a girl who has everything going like you do, hell be searching still once you get back with him. You sound so beautiful. Its not you, it's him. He is insecure and searching for himself to feel better. He is an abuser and he needs someone to put down, which is you. He is jeoulous and says things to put you down and hurt you because it makes him feel better about himself. He cant compare to you so he has to put you down.

[1guygirl]

what is it with thse guys who are insecure and then project their sh** onto us?? ....theyre like vampires, we build them up, coo over them tell them we only love them not some toned hunk who was giving us the eye, then bam, they go full assault on US going on about all these other gorgeous women blah blah and/or in my case talking to my mate and suddenly not holding my hand then not even sitting next to me (as i had done him all night to show him i loved him and....bleah) Dont get me wrong my ex complimented me alll the time but would then go on about other women like he was in a mini love affair with them

 

getting bit sick of this....if i had it in me i could quite easily flirt with many a guy but thats not my style - why bring us down, kicking our ego into the ground when all we done was build theirs up?...ah yes the golden abuse tactic, kick us hard enough so we think we cant get anyone better than them....

 

not us ey lasses...either they buck up or we get shot

[Brenda222]

Iguygirl, I couldnt agree with you more. When I met him I was the type of woman he always wanted to meet. After years have gone by he would sit and describe the good qualities about other women and what he loved about them. He loved to see women stand up to guys who are doing them wrong. The same ways they stood up to these men was the same way I would stand up to him. Funny, when I did it I had mental problems and needed counseling. Then he would tell other women and kids, dont never let anyone put you down. He seemed to gain happiness when he put me down. When I was doing good he would sit and feel down. When I was torn apart from his abuse he would jerk away from me when I try to hug him, wouldnt kiss me and say, you need to get out of my face. Being that I loved him and still somewhat in love with him, the ex, the one he cheated on me for and is now with him told people that because of his mouth she would never be with him again. Im sure after he puts her down again I'll look good to him. I dont think I could go thru it again, it gets worse each time you let them back.

[VeraLynn]

I think the best part about these men is when we don't stand up, "you have no backbone." But, if we do stand up and express any sort of emotions "Why are you going psycho?"

 

It's a lose-lose, lol.