How do I get on with my life?

[bobster]

Hi people, I'd really appreciate any posts on this, my story,

 

I have being going out with a girl 2 years my junior for 6 years. For the last 2 years we haven't been getting on aswell as we did (We used to have a great relationship) and we constantly fight over the stupid little things you could imagine. We don't have the same interests anymore, she likes gambling for example which I have grown to hate! (I work too hard for my money!). She is so free with her money, while I'm budgeting like mad. I'm a people person and like socialising, she doesn't but when she does, she gets so drunk I have to take her home early.

 

In January I started to grow feelings for somone else, I couldn't face my girlfriend anymore and was making all the excuses under the sun not to see her. But, the girl I has feelings for decided she didn't want to know me (for a reason I still don't know).

 

Anyway, I got over her and thought I would grow to love my girlfriend again, but, Its not happening and its killing me and her inside. She gets upset all of the time, which makes me feel guilty, I don't know why, I can't control my heart.

 

We are now living a phoney relationship ie. keeping each other company which isn't healthy. I want to just have her as a friend but she won't have it. I know she won't. She constantly phones, texts and emails me. She won't give me the space I told her I need.

 

I feel like an old married couple with her, she totaly depends on me (like I said in my post entitled "old before my time?? but too young??), I do everything for her, give her lifts home from work etc. She doesn't have a particually well-paid job, and despite all my efforts in helping her better herself, she won't.

 

I feel like more of a big brother to her than a boyfriend.

 

I just feel that now I'm 24, have a good steady job, my own house and car, I'm ready to meet someone who I can settle down with. How can I do this?? Will I ever be able to do this???

 

A problem I also have is talking to people about this situation. We share most of our friends and I don't want any of them taking sides. One way or another I fear that this is all going to end with alot of hate towards me.

 

I want her to be with someone else, who will love her, but she believes that there is only one person for everyone. I definitely don't believe that (then we'd all be broken hearted!).

 

I've tried to approach other girls for friendship (as some of you know) but I always end up cocking it up. Maybe because I don't feel I have total freedom to do so. Or I'm too old too young. I look a wee bit younger than what I actually am.

 

How can I end this nightmare? I feel so alone, and even scared of being alone with no one for the first time in all these years.

 

Maybe I'm just scared of a final decision....and the unknown?

 

Thanks for reading all of this.

[Ingrid]

Hey, take a deep breath and take the plunge in the ocean of manhood. You must learn to depend on yourself and not on women for your emotional comfort, otherwise you will get stuck with the next girl that shows up.

 

This does not mean that you should sleep aroung without developing feelings. You should respect women. But do not depend on others.

 

Good luck!

[OceanEyes]

I don't know why, I can't control my heart.

 

Nobody can, it's not meant to be controlled. The heart wants what it wants, and right now, you are in a relationship that is unhealthy both for you, and, for your girlfriend. In my opinion, the longer you put off ending your current relationship, the harder it is going to be for her to heal. That always sound so cut-and-dry, but it is 100% true. Also try to keep in mind that she is still young too, and of course it's going to hurt her at first, but she'll eventually move on. So will you.

 

I sympathize with your situation. I too, have been in a situation where I started to develop feelings for other guys while still with my boyfriend. Even after realizing that he wasn't for me anymore romantically, it was still so hard to break it off. But you've got to do it. You're sort of stringing this poor girl along as a back-up.

 

It sounds to me as if you're waiting for something better to come along, to help you end things with your current girlfriend. Ask yourself a question: What if the tables were turned? Would you want a girl you loved completely just stringing you along because she was too afraid to be on her own or couldn't bring herself to break it off?

 

Despite what I've just said, it's obvious that she is very dependent on you. You've mentioned that you have asked for space and she isn't giving it to you. Why? I know that if I were in her shoes, I would try to keep what was left of my dignity and try to live my own life for a while. It doesn't sound as if you need space though, it sounds more like you just don't care for her in the same way and need to move on. You have to tell her if you really want her to understand that ... sometimes we pull the wool over our eyes when we are in love because we do not want the truth. She sounds like someone you have to be brutally honest with in order for her to take it to heart.

 

Good luck with your situation!

[Daniel_Edwin]

It is important that you end things with this girl. The charade sucks for you, and is not fair for her at all.

 

She will be completely crushed, and she is going to have serious trouble getting by without you for a while, but eventually she will realize that it probably was for the best (same thing happened to me (only went out two years tho, but the girl was fourteen when we started dating so it was somewhat amplified) , I broke things off... it ended up taking about six months for her to come around and see how important it was for her to get on her own two feet alone... she doesn't speak with me anymore, and we no longer share any of the same friends, but in the big picture she became a stronger, healthier individual, which is what is really important.

 

There may be hate directed at you, but as long as you know what is the right thing to do, the anger will fade. You are just going to have to take a deep breath and plunge your tranquil world into chaos for a while.

 

 

.... oh, and believe me... when you do explain to her how you feel... get ready to feel worse than you've ever felt in your life, followed by feeling free like you would not believe. You will be completely ruined emotionally for at least the rest of the day, probably the rest of the week, depending on how emotional you are. Even if you feel that you no longer care for her, the pain you see her in will strike through your very core. I'm not saying this to scare you, but to prepare you. You MUST be strong through this, you cannot cave and give in. Do the right thing: tell the truth.

[bobster]

Thanks for all your posts, appreciated!!

[NSAinOC]

Bobster... i am in a VERY similar situation as you and I am going the route that others have suggested. I told her the truth and she is crushed as am I by the pain I am causing her. Do you mind sharing what you have done so far and how that has gone? I'd like to prepare myself as much as possible, although it's probably impossible!

[butterfly_chic578]

okay this may be advise u may not want to take cause u wanna work it out..... but end it i mean if ur not happy and neither is she then whats the point?????? u sound really nice so im pretty sure u wont be alone for long girls like guys who act like this in love and dont kno what to do so u used to love her so gently tell her that u cant let her down.... but if u do what i say then make sure u get right back in the game cause a ton of girls would love to have u!!!!

[bobster]

Thanks butterfly