Living in hell. Want to leave

[celestial262]

Please bare with me, english is not my native language so I try to make things clear as possible. I'm seeing a therapist this time, I felt better but it doesn't make me heal. I can see myself stronger and improving myself..but lately I really don't feel like putting up with it anymore..just want to go away forever.

 

Many years ago, probably 14 years ago ( im now 2 8) my father abused me physically. It all started when I was 8 or 9 that time, when he slapped me for not obeying his orders. It happened in front of everyone and he didn't apologised for doing it to me. Since then I have been a rebel, I hated him for humiliating me in front of everyone. I hold a lot of resentment toward him till today.

 

The abuse started when I was around 12 or 13..can't remember. It got so physcially bad that I was traumatised for a long time. My mother wasnt there when he hit me, the only person I could run for comfort was my grandma. She stayed with us at our family home and to be honest she was the mother figure to me. She died 10 years ago, when she left I feel like no one is out to protect me from my father.

 

I fell into depression ( was too naive to understand my emotions), I went to school like every normal kids do. I hid all my emotions from everyone. Trying to cut myself. I was angry, sad and just wanted to run away. I don't have many friends because I wasn't popular enough and I was FAT. I don't enjoy being in 'groups'.. i prefer being one to one. I have problems making friends and it stayed that way till my adulthood. Along the years I made a few friends, just 2 of them whom I grew close with but I never told them anything about my family problems. As far I'm concerned I'm not anti social but shy, afraid how people will think of me bla bla bla. It affected my self esteem..never felt so LOW.

 

I haven't spoke to my father for many years, maybe 3 years after the abuse. He regretted the things he did, but it wasnt good enough for me to forgive him. I still hate him although I try to pretend I'm over it. My siblings and I dont get along well neither.

 

Finally !! I got a chance to further my studies. I went away for a year, met my first ex( he was a student too). I fell in love with him and thaught we're going to be happy for a long time. He's from europe, me from asia. After dating 2 years he suggested I moved to europe to pick up a foreign language ( they dont speak english ) I left everything for him, my job , my country to be with this man because I really did loved him. When we started to live together, everything turned sour.Our true colours came out and we're def not meant for each other. We argue like cats and dogs, couldn't see eye to eye. It was toxic.

 

He spend his days playing computer games, watching football and we didn't communicate like we used to. Every weekend I try to get out instead spending the day bickering with him. After a while, arguments turned violent. I admitted I provoked some of the arguments and he started to hit me. When he was violent with me it reminded me of my dad. To protect myself, I fight back. Once the threw away out my things after an argument and I begged him to stop. He dragged me out from our flat. I make him stop,I took out a knife , pointing at him. I didn't want to hurt him,just want him to stop. Finally he called his mother, I calmed down and put the knife away. He wanted to call the police but he didn't after calling his mother. I did that to my dad as well, I pointed a knife at him when he didn't stop hitting me. I realised it was nota right thing to do but I didnt have a choice and was sick of him treating me that way.I was emotionally drained till I had enough.. finally left him on my birthday 2 years ago.

 

I went back home, never told my parents what happened. Never heard from him or want anything to do with my ex. Because I love europe so much I wanted to return to finished up my language course. 6 months after I broke up with my first ex, I met my recent ex ( he's from the same country, different city) on a social site. We talked for about 3 months and he decided to come to my country to meet me.

 

We both liked each other, he's more into me than I him. I told him everything , my childhood my ex and some personal intimate problems that I never told anyone before. He was indeed my best friend, he was there and promised me he would take care of me as long as possible. When we first started dating, I told him I don;t fall in love easily, although I liked him, I'm still trying to get over my ex. He understood and told me to take as much time as I want.

 

3 months later I decided to move again to Europe. This time to complete my course and be with him. I was happy again, excited to start everything again in Europe. We're happy for the first 5 months, he introduced me to everyone, his mother liked me very much. My recent ex had some childhood problems as well, he's the mirror of me in a way but he's must stronger mentally than me. His parents were divorced and he was bullied. He's very sucessful now and could get anything he wanted. We both felt connected in a way and wanted to help each other and grow.

 

Everything went downhill again. Because of all the abuse I didn't trust him not to hit me although he reassured me many times he will never do it. He never layed a finger on me but I still dont trust him. For some reasons I detached from him slowly because I dont think he's in love with my anymore. I never voice out my feelings to him although he tried to make me talk all times. I guess I can say he;s sick of our relationship but he didn;t want to let go. I saw myself repeating my mistakes again, provoking arguments and always wanted to break up with him everytime we have arguments. He cried many times and begged that we try again and again. That time I fell in love with him ,so i wanted to try again and improve myself.

 

We're not sexually intimate for the past 6 months before we broke up ( november last year). He was detaching from me , the same for me as well. I don't enjoy being with him and try to find excuses to get out during the weekends so I wont get bored. He's always working, never really wanted to make plans with me or do anything couples should be doing. We both stayed in different rooms, slept at different times and there's no communication between us.

 

I don't feel good and was depressed. I cried at night and when he was away for work. He tried his best to save our relationship but I wasn't making the efforts anymore. I didnt call or return his calls. I hardly talked to him on IM when he's always msging me everyday. We can't talk eye to eye without making me cry or making me feel bad. He just don't know what to do anymore. We're both not violent with other. I can't make myself to hurt him at all.

 

I cared for him but I don't want to be with him. I guess he felt the same way and he finally broke it off 2 months ago, stating how he moved on 3 months before our break up and that I changed into someone he's not attracted anymore. He doesn't see a future in us andwasnt in love anymore. He didn't blame me for anything, just we're not compatible enough to make things worked. We both cried and he said he doesn;t want to try again. He cares for me and was guilty to treat me this way, I didnt leave him a choice.

 

I went back home again. I was devastated to be back in square one. Living with my parents, finding a job again after a long unemployment. Everything was not OK ! I was so sad and angry at my ex for abandoning me where he knows I can't be happy back home. I had a fall out again with my parents when my mum send an insulting text to my recent ex about the way he treated me. I hated her for doing that ( altough I try to fogive her now). I can;t talk to my dad because the sight of him makes me sick. I had another fall out with my close friends because they're not listening to me and asked me to moved on. I feel like nobody understand me at all.

 

I havent talked to my recent ex even I had the urge to. He asked me to move on and forget about him.

 

Please keep in mind, i don't blame anyone. I'm just not in peace with myself and I just don;t know how to let go. I tried but end up crying my eyes out. I know I'm happy.. just dont feel like living anymore.

[jahur]

i know from certain life experiences that you just have to keep going and see the crap through. sir winston churchill once quoted on the success of the second world war "if your going through hell, keep going, you will always come out of it" this was a little mantra that used to keep him going.

 

i for one have had some serious crap in my life. i climbed out of the well i saw myself in. it took some time but i did it, because i knew i would come out the other side. your a mexiCAN not a mexiCANT!

 

good luck

 

P.S: your english is exceptional. would have never had guessed you had problems with it, if you hadnt had put in the disclaimer, from this i see your very hard on yourself, dont be, you dont need to be.

[wayoverit]

I think you're missing the trust factor and it all started from your dad hitting you. If you want to be a happy person and out of hell, you have to let go of the past and start trusting people. Your last EX tried so hard to figure you out but you didn't let him and in the end he just give you up. No one will feel that much sympathy for you unless you show some trust in them first, at least give them a sign.

[jahur]

thats super advice, trust is a major in anything, "To be trusted is to trust yourself"