Does this situation have any hope at all..?

[Azure13]

I have posted about this before.. but to update: My ex broke up w/ me around 2 months ago.. since then, all methods of trying to get him back (begging, talking, even one time when we sortof fooled around/kissed after we broke up..) failed miserably.. although he still wants to be friends he says that he does not have feelings for me anymore. Anyway, he agreed to talk to me about all this relationship stuff again, and see how he feels/things are the coming semester after the summer vacation ends (my idea).. he says that right now he doesn' t want this relationship or have feelings for me.. that he doesn't know if we'll get back together or not. Its weird.. hes being very indifferent about this.. its not like he is 100 percent adament that we'll never get back but that he doesn't seem to really be giving it much of his concern right now either way. I don't know. I just don't know if he really feels that its worth speaking about this again once the semester begins or if hes just saying it to humor me. Plus this is going to be hard not talking to him throughout the summer like this.. I just wonder if all this space and time away is going to make him miss me, or only forget.. he seems to be going down the path of forgetting right now.. I am doing my best to have as good of a summer as I can, but I still miss the guy.. and I just wonder if this situation seems like it has any hope at all.. do they really come around with space, or only forget? He says he doesn't love me anymore, but that maybe someday if its meant to be this will work out again. I don't know... is this hopeless? I just don't know. We used to have such a great friendship, and when we first started going out, such a nice relationship... he said I was amazing this that and the other thing.. but if I am all those thing to him.. then why is it so easy for him to act like I'm not there and not even care... he didn't even want to spend time together the last day of school we had together before he left to go home.. and I think he was even going to leave without even saying goodbye. Our "friendship" since the breakup is more of a title than an actual friendship.. he just doesnt talk to me anymroe or seem to care. Hes running away from me......... is this hopeless? Will this summer distance mean anything or only help us continue down the road we're going, staying apart forever?

[amaranth_04]

Hi azure,

 

It could be any number of reasons why he's acting this way, the underlying one being as he says he doesn't love you anymore. He's not interested in the relationship, either you never really suited him, or problems in the relationship pushed him away. If the problems were too big for him to want to work on, we come back to the suitability issue.

 

Anyway, the thing here is that he does not love you anymore, for whatever reason, be it what i suggested above. It would be relatively easier for him to move on 'cos like he says he doesn't love you anymore, feelings could have died 'cos of the reasons above or 'cos he has his eye on someone else. Either way, the 'why' doesn't quite matter now, as he has made it perfectly clear about his feelings for you. You can't force someone to love you. If he's already gone so far as to tell you this, I'm not sure why you would still want to bank on it by sticking around, giving him space. I don't mean to sound harsh but I do think it's time you moved on, as it seems he has.

[Silent Man]

Let him go. If it was meant to be he'll be back. In the meantime...enjoy your life.

[ravens_folly]

HI,

 

Same thing happened with my ex, except he didn't tell me that he didn't love me anymore.... So I don't think that was it in my case...

 

But yes, he said he would be friends at my suggestion, because he knows I will be out there to his place often enough that he will have to see me and stuff, but he too acts as if I'm not there, and as if he doesn't care....

 

truth is though, if they really didn't care then it would be much easier for them to just be normal without having to act that way. It does take an effort to not talk to someone or act as though your not there, especially after a breakup. its easier for them to forget us that way because they aren't talking to us, and not being reinforced by what they want.

 

Think back through your relationship, perhaps there was something you may have done that bothered him, or made him think twice about the relationship. In my case, my ex told me that I did nothing wrong, and he didn't think he had enough time for me, or that he was not being fair to me because of this. But the fact was, I made him feel that way because of the way I was acting, being mad at him for not being able to go somewhere with me, or mad at him because he came home tired from work and didn't pay any attention to me....

 

It sucks when they say they'll be friends, but its only the word. But if the relationship was good in many ways, and they did say those things, something did happen to change their mind, but they do still care. They probably just want to forget and get over it because maybe they feel like we won't change and it won't work out.

 

Just my thoughts.

[raider5]

Let him go. If it was meant to be he'll be back. In the meantime...enjoy your life.

 

Bull #$@!. Azure13 do me a favor and don't buy into this sugar coated, gum drop world.

 

You have a right to know why it didn't work, and you can at least stack the deck in your favor. He says he doesn't love you. People don't just fall out of love overnight. Was there evidence that he was thinking about this for awile? Is there something you did that contributed to this? People fall out of love from months of arguments, months of neglect, or maybe he never loved you in the first place.

 

When he says this stuff about "mabye getting back together" did you ask him that or did he just tell you that? Depending on how hard it was to get taht "maybe" out of him he might be doubting his own opinion. The easier it was, the more he is doubing what he's doing.

 

As for the space thing, it depends on how long you were together. If you have a good love bond, then he'll go searching for other girls and find them all lacking (unless he finds that one that's just like you which is unlikely), or the space may actually make him miss you more.

 

We really don't have that much evidence to go on. We really don't know what contributed to him "falling out of love" because the fact is that if he loves you and everythign is perfect, he wouldn't fall out of love. People fall in and out of love for a reason.

 

good luck

[Mar]

Okay, the begging and pleading didn't work, and he seems indifferent now. He could be that way because you're right there, contacting him frequently, and he KNOWS right now that he could have you back in a heartbeat.

 

Let him miss you. No contact will give you the answer on whether he wants you back or not. If he comes back, he had a chance to miss you and think about the relationship and whether he wants it to work again. If he doesn't call you/contact you, then he was telling the truth and truly isn't interested anymore. And yes, the lack of closure is hard, but he could just be immature and decide he wants to date others and used that convenient line as an excuse.

 

What was the reason for the breakup? I'm assuming he broke up with you, right? Well, he had to have given you a reason. If it was the "I'm not in love with you anymore" thing, that's another way of saying he was just bored in general. And it's not your fault; it could just be that he wasn't ready for a committed relationship and you were. Maybe this time apart without you calling him/seeing him will have him realizing what he's missing, or you'll find someone new and much better suited to you!

 

Mar

[lisaria]

Hey azure,

I'm sorry your ex is being such a sh##, but you need to quit worrying about what he's doing and why he's doing this and worry about YOU. No one knows why guys (and girls) do things that hurt us. We love them and give them our time, our love, our souls and they just throw it away and stomp us in the dirt. Why???? I wish I knew.

The one thing you HAVE GOT TO DO is stop worrying about him. This is now YOUR time. Only YOU matter now. You do what makes you feel good. You concentrate on YOU. He made the choice to be without you and that hurts like hell. I know. I hate to be so redundant and I know you've heard it a million times, but Time does heal all wounds. Or at least makes them more bearable. Your ex sounds like it's over for him and usually when a guys makes that decision then it really is over. I'm sorry but that has been the experiences that I've seen. I think you should concentrate on what you want and not on what he wants. If he's being indifferent then you be a total icicle if you hear from or see him. Smile nicely, but that's it. Don't make anything easy for him. Why should you? He's the one being a di%$head. I don't think you should contact him at all anymore.

I hope you are keeping yourself busy and try dating others. It's not easy I know, and you'll probably compare them to your ex, but at least you're out there again and eventually that guy won't be in your head so much and then he won't be in there at all.

Time honey. Give it time. It's been WOW! almost four months (May 2)since my ex split and it really will get better. I still have my bad days and think about doing stupid things, but when you get that urge to contact him, get up here instead. We will stand behind you. I wish you all the best.

Lisa

[Azure13]

But why would he still say that this could possibly work out later on.. that was what he originally said when we broke up.. that we would be friends again, then if it works out (b/c his whole reason for breaking up was that suddenly since we started going out, he couldn't talk to me the same way he did as when we were friends and in the beginning of the relationship) we would go out again. His whole theory is the "meant to be" thing. We started having problems I guess a month into the relationship because he stopped talking to me as much.. and so I would get annoyed that he wouldn't pay attention, want to spend time, or talk even half as much as he did when we were friends/beginning of the relationship, etc etc... he doesn't believe in fixing relatiosnhips, he believes that if something goes wrong then its not meant to be. I guess that sucks for me, huh? We didn't have big problems (the only problem was the fact that he suddenly stopped talking and was getting distant..) and our relationship was incredibly nice before the not talking began. Hes not used to relationships.. he only had one g/f before me, and they only lasted 3 months (not to mentipon this was 5 years ago?)... and he only lasted a little over 3 months with me. He says he needs space right now... thats what this whole summer thing is for... I figure he lost feelings for me bc he stopped talking to me like I said (we liked each other so much before bc we always talked and laughed all day long..) maybe once he feels he has his space, he'll start talking again and realize he still does have feelings. I don't know. He said he stopped talking in the relationship b/c I scared him by saying something like I hoped we'd be together forever (which ironically I didn't even say, he must have misheard me..) so I think he got scared off for whatever reason. He also said he felt he needed space and that was why he wasnt talking as much. I don't know. I don't really believe he doesn't care at all anymore, I just don't know what to do other than.. give him his space.. 3 months should be plenty of space.... oh and he said the reason why he says he doesn't love me anymore is b/c he realized he "can't" love me in that way.. I guess bc he wasn't treating me right by not talking. Weird. Its like we had this amazing thing going.. then he just.. made a problem out of nowhere lol. We had no problems.. there was trust, love, respect, friendship, laughter.. it was the best..

[Azure13]

Yes raider5, the maybe was very easily said. Its one of the first things he said when we broke up. He did say about a week after we broke up that he still cared about me just that it was "weaker" now and that he was "confused." But that was a while ago. We go to school together.. so I see him everyday.. and since then he's grown a lot more distant.. and doesn't seem to want me around.. this was almost 2 months ago..

[Azure13]

Yeah.. I know.. I personally do not believe in his philosophy at all. It isn't realistic.. plus he said that we weren't compatible b/c he stopped talking to me as much into the relationship.. which isn't true at all.. we always talked for hours on end as friends and in the beginning of the relationship. Its irritating though.. I really liked so many things about him. I don't think I made matters any better b/c I kept getting annoyed and bringing up the fact that he wasn't talking to me that much anymore while we were still going out.. Sometimes I think I didn't give him a chance to talk to me like he used to, b/c I was too busy continuously bringing up that he didn't talk to me very much anymore.. Pushing someone who is scared of a relationship I guess well only make them back off even more. oh well I guess only time will tell if he'll want me back or just is going to forget about me.... at least I have 3 months to try and heal before I'll see him again.. who knows if we'll even talk all summer.. I don't plan on contacting him..

[Singer]

Is this a f-ing guy thing or what?? I don't know if you've seen my story on here, but it was the SAME THING. We knew each other for 2 years, got together at Thanksgiving, were together 4 months, very happy, seemed so compatible it was scary. We never argued or had a fight. Just loved being around each other. After a month (or less) he told me he was in love with me, and after a couple months he told his good friends that he thought this was it. He introduced me to his family. He told me he was so happy, he knew it was going to work out, blah, blah, BLAH. Then at the 4 month mark, after a couple weeks of acting kind of distant, he said he didn't feel "that way" about me anymore and he didn't know why. He said he felt "too comfortable" with each other. Funny, I thought comfort and security were GOOD things.

 

I made some of the same mistakes as you, Azure13.... I did make some complaints about his work schedule and the quality time issue. He works in law enforcement, nights, and thereforeeee a lot of the time, the only time I would see him was between 1 and 2 AM, after he got home from work (because I work days). Then it seemed that just when I was getting used to his schedule, he dropped the bomb on me.

 

It's been about 7 weeks now, and I still have days when it seems all I do is cry (like today ). I want him back so bad, he is everything I want in a guy.

[ravens_folly]

Yeah same here, I was mad at my guy because he didn't have the time to do the things I wanted cause he works all the time.

 

I think that totally wears on them big time, and guys will bail out on the easiest thing.... and thats us!

 

Its easier for them to get rid of us than it is to quit their job, or change their job or even spend more time with us. I don't blame them in some respects because they need to make a living and pay bills, and who needs someone raggin on them because they aren't doing enough.

 

I must have made my ex feel like he wasn't good enough and couldn't possibly do what I wanted, and that I was unhappy with him, which was totally untrue... but I wasn't listening to him about it, and he didn't try hard enough to make me see.

 

Its better this way though, cause I have learned my lesson and what I would be willing to deal with. But it is heartbreaking they don't seem to try hard enough. Some people just can't deal with it though.

[Azure13]

This wasn't even a matter of his work schedule.. he just didn't bother to call when he said he would sometimes, didn't want to spend any more time with me than he had to (in the end). He always HAD to go home from college every weekend and didn't even want to meet my family, or me his (b/c if this relationship didn't work out, he didn't want my family to hate him eyes: we only spent extra time together after class on tuesday.. I only asked that he call me fridays and sometimes even then he'd forget or something. But then again maybe this was bc we were in all of our classes together bc of our major.. and saw each other nearly everyday.........

[Mun]

Ok you guys it seems like this is a recurring theme in this forum: Guy likes girl, guy runs away, girl chases, guy runs faster and harder.

Ladies do not persue men. They don't like it and it's a turn off. A man is the one who should do the persuing.

 

Remember when things were good between you two? Chances are he was behaving like a gentleman and treating you like a Queen. Then he got cold feet. Went away for a bit and then -whoa!- you questioned him about it. Right? Started asking where the relationship was going-things like that. Right or right? Well that was the wrong thing to do- when a man goes away you need to let him. Chances are if he is being distant it has to do more with the fact that you are pretty close to being "the one" or else why is he so scared?

Now the thing to do is give him the time he wants. This summer is going to be good for you to do things for yourself. Take a class, take a vacation, read a book. Do something that interests YOU. Forget or try to forget or pretend to forget about him for awhile. If he still cares and it sounds like he does- he will be back.

Look to yourself and your behavior. Would you behave like this towards a girl friend? No one wants to be crowded.

Much love

[Azure13]

Thanks so much for your advice, muneca. Your right- it is a classic case here.. one I thought I'd learned my lesson from with my previous boyfriend but apparently not. Thanks so much.. your right about everything you said.. I'll just have a good summer, and see where he is in 3 months..

[Stingseed]

Muneca

 

Would you say this applies to woman who cheat on men? I mean I ask cause I think in this case when a woman cheats then the woman should chase if she really lwould want the ex back..

 

just a question

[Mun]

If a you cheated then you need to ask yourself why. There must have been something missing in your relationship or else why does a woman cheat?

Then the best thing is to let a little time go by so that things will cool off a bit and then you can call him once preferably when he is away so that you can leave him a message. This way if he wishes to contact you he can do so then. You still dont persue you just say something like " hi this is ___ just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing" thats it. Leave it up to him especially since he is the offended party.

If he does contact well then try not to mull over the past but treat it as a new relationship. Good luck.

[Singer]

Your advice is right on, muneca. Thanks.