YOU NEED TO IMPROVE YOURSELF! What's your/their problem?

[raider5]

The question is this:

 

What are you doing to improve yourself, so that when you're ex comes back he/she see's a different person that they truly want to try "again" with?

 

Let me get this straight. I have bad days and good days. I'm sure you're all going through the same thing. But I must concentrate on myself. But we should all realize, we may still have problems with ourselves that we simply are unaware of at the moment

 

I would appreciate if people could tell me what they feel their biggest problem and maybe their ex's biggest problem was. I need to understand if I have these problems so I can fix them. I'm that many of us admit that we had no idea of the problems until it was over at least it was that way with me. Some examples would be:

 

Maturity

Inability to Love

Affection

Psychological fears(commitment, rejection, etc.)

 

I don't know really. I'm trying to put a mirror in front of myself to become the world's most eligible bachelor.

 

Thanks

[raider5]

My biggest problem: MATURITY!!!

 

Women, how important is this to you?

 

Women seem to mature faster than men, and after my breakup it was like a MACK truck hit me. "How could I have been so callow?!" I was so stupid. I didn't have an example of a loving relationship as I was growing up because my parents were divorced, and I haven't had a relationship longer than 2 weeks prior to her. So I treated her like she was my brother sometimes. I was such an IDIOT!!!

 

Even still sometimes I act immature, like goofing off with friends when it's not appropriate. I'm trying so hard to change this. Don't get me wrong. I can be mature when I want to be. I know how to order wine, converse, entertain, and use my silverware. But it's the moments when I'm with my friends and let my guard down. I just seem compelled to crack jokes all the time. Being funny can be a great asset and a major weakness at times. Ever notice how the least funny people are the most mature, and how the most funny can be the least mature at times. To integrate the humor that women love yet retain the maturity is very important.

 

Just another thing I have to work on I guess. But this isn't the only thing. I'm improving myself all around. I went to Costa Rica alone over spring break, I'm learning Japanese, I put on 10 lbs of muscle, playing the guitar, reading books on relationships/sex, go skydiving, go camping more often, read more widely and turn off the TV.

 

I want to be this great guy for the next girl im with (maybe my ex, maybe not), this is just a reminder to make sure you are all working to grow from this experience. I'm want to be the most eligible bachelor and beat the pants off of all the guys in this forum . We all need to realize that this breakup could become the GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO US.

[lisaria]

Hey raider,

I've done alot to improve myself. Or I think so anyhow. I've joined the gym, which I really need to go to more. But I'm more aware of the physical aspect of what my body can do now and I absolutely love it. Getting in shape was one thing I missed and didn't even know it. It's amazing how a few muscles can make you feel.

I've taken up a new hobby, tarot cards. Very interesting. I have figured out some of what I need to work on emotionally and the cards help with that. I'm working on ME and that's always a good thing. I have figured out the things I did wrong and I will not fall into the same patterns as I have the last few relationships. I will not give him all of my time or power.

I did not have a very good model when I was growing up either. My mom was a true B!#ch and my dad was very distant and gone all the time. So my parents were not good candidates for emotionally mature love. I think there was and still is a co-dependency situation and my father was emotionally never there even when he was physically there. My mom was so frustrated with life that she took it out the only way she knew how. By wanting to control everything and when she couldn't she'd yell and scream and it was not pleasant growing up in that. I have tried so hard not to do that ever. I use to when I was married let things build up until I exploded and my poor ex-husband wouldn't know what the hell the real issues were and neither did I so we certainly couldn't talk about it. No wonder it ended in divorce.

Now one thing I want to say to you raider, DO NOT LOSE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. It is one of the MOST important things to have in this life. If you can only let go when you're in front of your friends and you feel like you have to watch what you say in front of your g/f then honey, something is wrong. It can be one of the biggest turn-ons. My exs sense of humor was one of the things I loved about him. He could be absolutely hilarious in a sarcastic and goofy way when we were together. He also knows how to act in polite society, but he knows how to find the humor in everything too. It's a wonderful trait, don't feel you have to change that for anyone. It's a part of who you are and if you change that FOR someone then eventually you change WHO you are and you will regret it and resent it. I think maturity has nothing to do with being funny but it does have something to do with knowing when it's inappropriate and it sounds like you already know about that.

My ex had a problem with his ex and the headgames she played on him. He has two boys and she used them to make him feel really guilty. Then the other women who chased him. But he made the CHOICE to cheat regardless of what they did. I think the timing was wrong for us. I got clingey at the end instead of giving him space which he needed. He probably has a few problems with women and trust especially since his two big relationships ended in him being the one being cheated on. Which is why I couldn't understand why he would put me through that same pain. His parents divorced when he was young and his mother cheated on his dad and he really dislikes her now. So he has a few problems in that category too. I'm sure there were warning signs that things were not going to work out all along if I had just looked at them honestly. But I fell in love and to hell with warning signs. You'd think I would know better.

This is the only time I get to talk about him and it feels so good today. It's helping with my healing I think, being able to do that and not feel like someone is going to say "You should be over him now. Get on with your life" which someone has said to me and which made me feel like a huge loser since I can't do that yet. What is wrong with me? He's not worth it. Get over it. Those kinds of feelings and thoughts came up. But I don't worry about that up here because everybody knows how it feels and are going through it too. It helps also to analyze this stuff raider, so thanks for that post.

Lisa

[wanderingalonenow]

Hey,

 

I've been trying to improve myself much like you guys. I think the two biggest things that I've focused on is being more affectionate and more open about how I feel. It's kinda hard to do outside the context of a relationship, but so far I really do feel like I've made progress in both aspects with relationships that I have with friends. I mean, just my whole outlook on things is a lot brighter now. I smile a lot more And I feel good.

 

I also had my own fair share of psychological fears (commitment) that I didn't want to face in the relationship. It scared me that we're so young, yet I foung myself wanting to marry her. I was afraid that I'd lose her and look what happened. Some might say that I created my own reality. But I've since faced that. And I've since admitted to myself (too little too late) that I really would like to see her and I spend our lives together. That one's tough, because there's nothing I can do about it. But I have faced it and accepted it.

 

Just in general... you could say that I've done a lot of introspection. I've grown a lot... and as weird as this might sound, I've learned a lot about who I really am. I think that's the most important thing. Is to be self-aware... know your strengths as well as your flaws. Breakups are sometimes what it takes to make you sit down in front of that mirror and really ask "Who am I?"

[ziggystar]

i've had a series of 3 relationships in the past 3 years. all of them short, intense and ending up with the girl running away from me. each one taught me a lesson for the next girl. although i have changed in many ways, the outcome has still been the same. these women had commitment problems. but what i learned this last time around was that i was equally uncommited, and that their fears of commitment was more acute. as for me, i never have to face the fear of commitment because it was always elusive from me. and since in this culture men still usually are the ones that approach women. i have a tendency to choose women who have these issues. as much as i want a committed relationship, i am not even committed to myself or my life. my work is freelance. my interest are all over the place. my friends are scattered. i can't stand the mundane lifestyle of my family along with all their dysfunction. i hardly partcipate in anything with them. as a matter of fact i don't like participating in anything with too many people. i have no passion in my life. so when i get into a relationship, i jump at the chance to enmesh with someone and hitch a ride out of my life. but that's the rub: i find women who are running away from something to, but they are actively running and i am passive running. i'm waiting for my ship to come in and hitch a ride out. i want to coop someone else's life. while the women i choose are actively running, so they feel smothered having to support that extra weight in the process of running. and any commitment is too limiting to them. ultimately, it just says that these relationships could never work, no matter how much we changed. it would have to take an extraordinary set of circumstances for both of us to realize and change. and that change would have to come individually and separately. it was never meant to last.

 

what i need to do now is to face up to my fears, find acceptance of my life in reality, build a committed life to myself with what i've got and heal all the self-loathing i've done to myself over the years. acceptance is key, because once you do that, you're free.

[lisaria]

Wow ziggy! That was a very insightful post. It sounds like you've done alot of thinking. You go guy! I hope you find what you need and want.

[JT]

For me I've been going to counseling and reading books like crazy. I am trying to fully greive and let go so I become a better person because of it. During the relationship we had codependence issues which I AM NOW WORKING ON. My ex chooses to blame me for everything, which totally means she will leave her codependence issues unresolved. This angers me, but I truly feel that if she blames me she is still not ready to move on. Perhaps she is still in the anger stage. I went through the anger stage already, so I am still greiving in the sadness stage until I totally accept that its over. People are scared to greive, its only a natural instinct to avoid pain, however you must greive so you learn and your heart grows back stronger. You have to accept the fact and let go however which is what I'm comign to terms with. I realized the mistakes I MADE and I am doing everything that I can to get on with my life, learn and be a better person because of it.