Things are slowly progressing?

[gp913]

I'll skip all of the background, I have some other threads going through the history, but my ex (4 year relationship) broke up with me in August because she felt that we were becoming more like roommates and I wasn't treating her well enough, among some other issues. I worked on myself and in October, she saw that and she dumped her rebound to date me again (with no titles or commitment). Things went a little fast in October and then in November, things got really confusing. I decided to call things off. She said that she might want to try dating someone else at the same time as me and that she hoped that I would be patient with her. I didn't think it was healthy and actually encouraged her to date others, I just wouldn't be there while she is doing so. December was mostly NC, with contact like maybe a few times.

 

Just last week, we went to lunch that she invited me to... We took a nap (her idea) and then she opened up randomly about everything going on while we were laying in bed. She told me that she had dated that guy (who was the reason for me calling things off) in December. He's going into the Marines and moved away from our city. She just randomly volunteers this information to me about him and other people. She told me this was the reason why she was distant and felt depressed recently, but she is okay now and she thinks that the guy is really boring. Though, I know she'll try and stay friends with him (like she does with everyone - she even tried to do so with the rebound just recently... but he's become stalkerish and creepy and she's finally not responding to him anymore). After the nap, we went to a movie and ice cream. It was really nice. When she told me she was dating that guy, I told her that I had assumed that and that's why I got out... She asked me why I didn't say anything and I told her that I didn't know for sure and felt it wasn't my place to pry into it. She seemed really receptive to it, making me wonder if she had thought that I ended things in November to just try and force her on the spot to get back together with me... That wasn't it at all... It was way too stressful on me.

 

We've been talking A LOT recently. She is the one to always initiate it and we've talked on the phone a lot, every other day or so. We don't text much - she likes to text, but she knows that I prefer actually talking.

 

When she randomly called me to invite me to lunch, she also invited me to a concert that is 4 months away. She said that she wouldn't want to go with anyone else and during the conversation, some other people got mentioned and she said she wouldn't want to talk to anyone else more than me. She didn't emphasize these things or anything, I just caught them in conversation. She says these things to make me feel like things can progress, but she's told me that she does not want to be in a relationship until she graduates. She's told me these weird things like she'll be single forever and this and that. She just wants to focus on getting out of college, she said. She's told me straight up that she likes me a lot and that she'd like to continue dating me... she just doesn't want to commit to anything anymore. Could this develop into something, though? Without commitment, it makes me really uneasy right now, but I'm just going with the flow... and so far, things seem to be going well and they aren't rushed.

 

This is the same girl who was upset that I hadn't proposed to her yet last summer (we were practically married, living together for nearly 3 years), the one who said that she knew that I was the one in October, and the one who in December said that she felt like we were rebuilding things towards a relationship in November (while we were "dating" again).

 

She said that she bought me a Christmas present (she hasn't had much money, she made me cookies for Christmas) yesterday. I was excited... she never bought me much and it means a lot to me when she does buy me things since she doesn't have much money.

 

She texted me last night just saying hi... after a response, she called me. We ended up talking for an hour (until 12:30am)... she was laying in bed going to sleep.

 

I'm just still so uneasy... I know she cares, though... It's funny how the only time I've been really hurt by her is AFTER the breakup... I was crushed during August/September... I had given up in September and then she came back. We got back together first in October, then everything has just been up and down and all over the place. I'm hoping that trend has stopped... She says that I'm so sweet to her and she finds it ironic how everyone she meets are jerks and how I'm so sweet, yet she broke up with me because I didn't treat her so great at the end of our relationship (I fell into a slump, bigtime).

 

I'm just going with the flow and trying to keep myself open to everything.

 

Any ideas on this?

[coyne740]

I dunno man... It sounds like she is confused... just take it slow, give her space, but honestly, don't be surprised if something else comes along and she takes it... kind of sounds like she is leaving you on the backburner as a fallback.

[tattoobunnie]

Life is too short to be someone's back-up plan.

 

She may not even realize what she is doing. See-saw, back and forth, enough words to keep you lingering. The actions show, she dates other guys, and doesn't want you exclusively. You can be friends, but cut the relationship stuff loose.

[gp913]

The past 3 nights, she has either called me or texted me out of the blue to say good night and talk. It seems whenever she calls me, we're on the phone for a good 40 mins to 1 hour.

 

I've been out of town a lot the past two weeks and she asked me when I'd be back. She asked me if I wanted to come over and watch a movie with her this weekend.

 

I met with my therapist yesterday and she worries that the same thing could happen that happened before... She likes how things have changed, though, but for me to continue just going with the flow and let her come to me, which has been working well for me.

 

If she becomes cold again, I'm in a better state to just back off... since I'm trying not to push anything, anyways. I've become way too guarded after all of this.

 

Already, I'm not doing any initiating and she's now the one suggesting to do things and calling me... I'm liking this.

 

I still feel uneasy about the whole thing of her dating that guy in December, but I'm the one who cut things off when she was confused... and then she gave it a try. I just hate how she tries to be friends with everyone, but I'm not in a place where I can say much about that... since, we aren't anything yet. Still not sure where this will end up, but trying not to have any expectations...

 

I'm just guarding myself because that one guy will still comment on her Facebook everynow and then and she'll "Like" or comment something on his page... Although, not as much in November and December (it was crazy, which is why I couldn't deal with it)(pretty rare now compared to then)... it happens from time to time. She mentions me a lot, comments on all of my stuff I post, and has posted loads of recent pictures of us on Facebook. I just don't know if I should bring up "So, are you guys still talking?" It shows her that I'm very aware of it (possibly bothered) and it may get her to volunteer some more info... Or I guess that conversation should wait until later (after we see eachother a few more times)?

 

Any other ideas on all of this?

[tattoobunnie]

Bring in an intermediary...(I mean a mutual friend, or a good friend of yours) to see what's up, or to carefully probe.

 

Still think...you feel like you deserve this, so you're taking it...putting up with crud...she could have also broken up with you, and let things unfold without forming new relationships (going on a few dates is a different story).

 

When a person says, "everyone I meet are jerks, but you're so sweet," (and they don't mention getting back together - in any form)...it's girl code for: "I haven't met the right guy to replace you, I'm going butter you up a bit to kill some time, you're a great guy, but I still don't wanna be with you."

 

Meaning - at the end, you sucked, but the most part, you rocked. She abandons you during your worst time...do you really want this kind of girl for the long-haul, or do you want her back cuz you lost her.

[bish0p2004]

 

When a person says, "everyone I meet are jerks, but you're so sweet," (and they don't mention getting back together - in any form)...it's girl code for: "I haven't met the right guy to replace you, I'm going butter you up a bit to kill some time, you're a great guy, but I still don't wanna be with you."

 

She speaks the truth. This would make me cringe if I ever heard it.

[minou]

When she says she's going to be single forever, it's just that she's going through relationship burnout right now. She's certainly not seeing you as a long-term possibility right now. You don't mention dating anyone else. She indicated both of you should date others a few months ago. How would she feel if you actually did? She is taking you for granted right now and you are making it really easy for her to do that.