Tears May Fall Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 So a few months ago my ex whom we'd broken up 2 years ago contacted me, (ironically her then relationship was coming to an end) and she was a health crisis about to have surgery and suddenly somehow opened up contact with me. I didnt feel anything then, thought i was over her, but as time has gone on and we've spoken more and hung out (now we speak almost everyday), feelings have come back. Nothing physically has happened when we hang out tho, just casual lunch or dinner or going over to one another's house. I have gone through alot of changes since we've broke up. I knew when we were together and after we broke up that I had to get the young phase of partying and hanging out outta my system, i just didnt know how long it would actually take me. I turned 26 a few months ago and all of the sudden things started to hit me. I had lost my job (got fired) and things were in a pickle and i realized that there's more important things to life than partying. I am more focused on those things now, being more mature, going out less, realizing the things that actually matter, the things that'll build a better future for me. Besides i have a job where if i make a mistake, it can cost someone their life and im a professional, i need to be more responsible than that going out the night before. I have my priorities set, everything else is in place, i just dont have the girl and without her everything else doesnt seem to matter. My ex has now noticed this change in me too, mostly through I telling her but Im not sure if she truly believes it. She doesnt ever hint at anything about getting back or having any feelings, but she mentions good times from our relationship all the time. She doesnt bring up anything bad. But she says its nice being friends (shes not friends with any of her ex's, actually despises the idea and im the exception). Now she told me recently she is kinda seeing someone, but then also throws in "I dont know if its gonna work out or lead to anything." It makes me very jealous. I REALLY want to get her back, and this time for good, this is the girl i can picture spending the rest of my life, no1 all my life has been able to come even close to providing that feeling for me, very few even come close to me wanting them as my GF, im very picky and wont settle for either someone i dont like or someone who doesnt like me in return. This is the only girl whom ive felt that mutual connection with and its just crazy that after this long Im still not over her... So what can I do? What are my options? Its really stressing me out ALOTTTT and has me down wondering about it all day everyday.... Link to comment
waveseer Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Why not ask her if she wasn't dating her current would she date you? Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Why not ask her if she wasn't dating her current would she date you? I wouldn't jump so quick on the gun. I believe in playing cool with exes. Link to comment
waveseer Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I wouldn't jump so quick on the gun. I believe in playing cool with exes. That question doesn't seem like such a stretch to me, the asker really isn't giving anything away but it does give the other person something to think about. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 That question doesn't seem like such a stretch to me, the asker really isn't giving anything away but it does give the other person something to think about. I'm just saying... I think the OP should play it cool and probe around to see if they're serious. She did say that they're not serious, but eh... I believe in keeping your distance until the other person is really single for real, you know? Link to comment
Tears May Fall Posted January 21, 2010 Author Share Posted January 21, 2010 I think its beyond "if she would date me." If her and I were to get back together it would be an all or nothing very serious ordeal even though we'd have to start all over again like its a new relationship. We had gone out for 2½ yrs before that, very serious, parents met, and we both loved each other a whole lot. It was a very serious level. To Vertigo, well thats what ive been doing, i just been trying to maintain consistent contact with her, see her from time to time, gauge her interest, and maybe if i get the right vibe, ask her why she chose to be friends with me...and maybe ask do you ever wonder Im just very confused by gauging her, because I dont know what to make of it. She mentions other guys, mentions that she still thinks me and her are at differents points in our life, but then mentions alot of good times from before and smiles about it reminiscing. Im just afraid that in that time I give her to, her and the other guy just might be getting more serious and i might be losing her more as each day goes by, when she broke up with this last guy (she was with him for a year) she said she was thru with relationships and was single for a few months and then this guy who was her friends brother would be over at the house alot, and they would hang out as a group alot and they both started catching feelings... I just dont wanna lose her =( Link to comment
Ghosty Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Just tell her how you feel. Tell her that all the time you've been spending together has made you realise you still have feelings for her. If nothing happens, it's fine she wont hate you, but at least you know whether or not it's going anywhere.. beyond friendship. Link to comment
waveseer Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I'm just saying... I think the OP should play it cool and probe around to see if they're serious. She did say that they're not serious, but eh... I believe in keeping your distance until the other person is really single for real, you know? Well no wonder we have different opinions! lol I'm a state what I want clearly and with as little extra fluff as possible kind of person. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Well no wonder we have different opinions! lol I'm a state what I want clearly and with as little extra fluff as possible kind of person. Hmm? Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I'm just saying... I think the OP should play it cool and probe around to see if they're serious. She did say that they're not serious, but eh... I believe in keeping your distance until the other person is really single for real, you know? playing it cool is just fine, so long as you're comfortable with that. how long are you prepared to wait? you may be in for a long ride. i suppose it's a bit of a game of cat and mouse...but how does that usually end? the mouse dies...or the cat gets bored and finally just wanders off. what will change if you continue to wait? maybe something will happen. maybe nothing will happen. maybe you'll be caught up in some sort of limbo. i can understand your fears here. rejection doesn't feel good...especially when you've been building hope. do you see those fears changing at all? maybe she's just as afraid as you are. what would happen if you took a chance? what would happen if you missed the chance? would you be comfortable with that? i'm not sure these situations ever really have that movie script ending...where all of the pieces of the puzzle just fall into place. although, it is a possibility that that could happen. uncertainty is a hard reality to face...but it is the reality. is continuing to resist that reality going to change anything? sometimes things work themselves out...sometimes there is some sort of action required. trust. trust yourself. you're on the edge of something. you will know when you're ready to jump. Link to comment
waveseer Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Hmm? Oh, sorry, let me rephrase... You are more likely to keep your distance and wait and see. I am more likely to step right up and let the other person know exactly what I want. It only makes sense that we would give opposing advice. Link to comment
Tears May Fall Posted January 21, 2010 Author Share Posted January 21, 2010 90 hr sleep - great reply, you pretty much nailed every point on the head I just wish I knew what the hell to do, because of the past experiences Im just at even more of a confusion...it might just very well be a cat and mouse game or it may not be any game at all and she really doesnt have any feelings for me whatsoever.. Waveseer - Normally, i would be the type that would just open up and say whats on my mind with completely sincerity and take it as a yes or no answer and then either take the next step of moving fwd or moving on. But for some reason in this case, im sooo caught up and scared of rejection that I dont know what to do. A year and half ago, me and her had become friends like this about 6 months after we broke plus no contact, and we were physical again and she told me she still loved me and I said I love you too but also told her I dont think we're compatible, that we're too different and that id be too afraid of things just being the same crap again...then I sat back and thought about it and a month or so later I attempted to spill it all out to her telling her I still loved her and if we could give this another serious shot because I really truly believe in us that we can make this work, I know I do and I cant picture my life with anyone but her. Her response was that she was seeing someone and it was starting to get serious and that she didnt "love me like THAT anymore." From that day forward we didnt speak at all, she asked if we can remain friends, and I told her "it hurts too much to be JUST your friend..." I tried sooo hard to get over her after that and eventually I did, outta sight outta mind kinda ordeal. I started dating again, and was happy and content overall. But every girl Id meet, none would give me any feeling of excitement or wanting to look forward to more with them. And here I am again, "friends" with her not knowing what to do this time around because I fear hearing those words again "I dont love you like THAT anymore..." or fearing that if I hold out and let time do its thing, her saying again "im involved with someone now and couldn't back out of one thing to jump back to another." She's a very firm and stubborn woman, she states exactly how she feels. If she loved me, she prolly wouldve told me by now but she might be scared herself and be thinking the same thing and trying to just play it cool. She only says "ill prolly always love you" but that doesnt mean from her that she sees herself with me again. If she only knew how badly I wanna be with her again but it only works if its both ways and I cant force her, attraction is not a choice, its either there or it isnt... I woke up outta my sleep just now not being able to sleep, its 5 am here, and I only slept 3 hours, and this is how its been the past week or so, and I start a new job in 2 weeks and Im really scared about that too because I cant have any anxiety or wretched thoughts going on in my mind. Im getting mad at myself for being such a wuss and not being able to maintain my pride around her and be able to act like more a man, I succumb to her like a starving dog would to his owner about to give him a fresh piece of meat, ive lost all sense of self. I dont look at her flaws or anything, i just wonder about what I could be doing, perhaps its the only thing thats actually in my control... Just so lost and confused on what to do... Link to comment
Esse Quam Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Just read your post, we're in very similiar situations. I think from what I've read that its your pure fear of rejection and that maybe we're interpreting their signs and all in the wrong fashion. I think its evident that your ex wants you in her life, but the question is to what degree, clearly you're not content in being a friend, nor am I. Its simply how to play it from here on out. In my case, I'm being flirtatious, and working that angle, as much as I dread the head games I feel its something many of us are guilty of at times and might very well be something she's doing. Like an above poster mentioned as well, its a cat/mouse chase game. She may want to be chased and feel that appreciation that you're still enfatuatied with her, its a great ego boost to know you still have a hold on someone. I think your best bet is to slowly open up a more flirtatious contact method and see where it gets you. She may very well play along and if she does your building a foundation that could become something more. I think the simple fact she's back in your life has to mean something and that she is probably speaking with and seeing you because she doesn't have that connection with the supposed new guy. Anyways mate, that's my take. Check out my post if you like so you get a feel as to where I'm coming from, similair situation so I'm as blind towards this as you are too. All the luck Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Oh, sorry, let me rephrase... You are more likely to keep your distance and wait and see. I am more likely to step right up and let the other person know exactly what I want. It only makes sense that we would give opposing advice. If it were a new person, I can see why you have to step up and not wait. But it's an ex here, meaning you have to be extremely careful not to come off as desperate. Link to comment
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