boyfriend's and my anger mgmt issue

[sandrawg]

My boyfriend and I have a checkered past. He used to drink too much and do cocaine when he drank. Quite a few times, he broke promises to me never to use again. We broke up multiple times over broken promises and a deceptive situation he set up with his ex-gf.

 

SOMEHOW we managed to get past all of that, and the last time we got back together, things have been good (it's been about 5 months), other than a few conflicts. I've been happy. I really do love him and I know he loves me. He curbed his drinking significantly, although I do still get nervous when I know he's out without me-I have made strides recently to not get so uptight and try to trust him.

 

However, last night we had a big fight. It started because, while my bf spends most of his place at my condo, he has a house about 20 minutes away. He stays in the house when he needs "space", which is usually once a week. The area he lives in is a big party zone. His housemates are all potheads. It's a toxic environment full of people who are bad influences.

 

Now, I've expressed concern, and my bf claims he does not like his house and wants to move, but he is waiting for his lease to be up in March. But i haven't tried to forbid him from staying there-him staying there wasn't a problem until a couple of weeks ago. He ended up getting into a fight with some guy who he claims was harrassing him.

 

He came back to my place all roughed up, with cuts and bruises on his face and hands.

 

I was very upset about this but he shrugged it off. We talked about how there is a bad element in his neighborhood, and maybe he should stay away from there for a while...

 

Anyway, not long after this, me, my bf and 2 of his housemates were getting food from a drive-in, and some drunk guy was standing off to the side making insulting comments. The 3 guys all got ticked off at him, and jumped out of the car to try to get rid of him. My bf was holding his Mag flashlite as if he was going to hit the guy with it. I had to coax them all back n the car.

 

So, 2 episodes of violence/potential violence that I was aware of, one with me as a passenger in his car.

 

I have tried to talk to him about my concerns, but he plays it off like I'm being his mother or something.

 

I think my frustration about this came to a head last night.

 

My bf was out with his friends and texted me at 10:30, saying he wanted to stay at his own place cuz he and his friends would be out very late. Knowing it was a Sat. of a holiday weekend, and knowing I did not feel well that day and didn't feel like worrying about him, I asked could he please just come back to my place. (Plus there is a part of me that, I admit, doesn't trust him and wonders if he stays there cuz bars are w/in walking distance.)

 

He argued with me. I got SO frustrated and angry that he was arguing...finally, he gave in but sounded sarcastic about it (in a "YOU WIN" sort of way). I then did not hear from him for 3 hours. I got very upset that he did not bother to call me (he had promised to call me back) or text to tell me when he'd be home.

 

I talked about him taking his stuff back to his house, since he likes it there so much. I was passive aggressive and STUPID. I honestly did not want him to move back to his house. I was just angry. We had a big blow up, with both of us yelling, and he took half his stuff back to his place and is supposed to get the rest today.

 

I've been crying all morning wanting to talk to him.

 

Here's what I think-we BOTH have anger management issues. The only way we could make this rel'ship work is to work on these. I am not sure he thinks he has a problem.

 

Any advice for how I can convince him? Our relationship may be over at this point. If not, we desperately need help.

[maverick554]

So essentially he is the following:

1. Former drug addict, and I use the word former very loosely.

2. Drinks way too much.

3. Has a long history of lying and cheating on you.

4. Neglects you and treats you as an inconvenience.

5. Lives with degenerates (again I question his status as a "former" drug addict)

6. Displays repeated acts violent behavior and bouts of anger.

7. Has a criminal history, but I'm just spit-balling there.

 

Now after reading this list all of which is derived from your post, you actually think that you are the one who needs anger management? He needs anger management and about every form of counselling and rehab that exists in the world. Plus some time in jail probably wouldn't hurt either. Bottom line this guy is a loser. And he has made quite a mess of his life has sucked you right into it. Get out of this relationship and get as far away from this douche as possible. He will never change and you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

[sandrawg]

I honestly understand and appreciate your points. But..

 

I truly don't believe he is doing cocaine anymore-since we spend most of our time together, I would know.

 

He is also not drinking that much anymore. He does still drink, tho-maybe I am uncomfortable that he's not sober.

 

Yes, he did lie but not in the past 5 months since he promised changes.

 

He usually does not neglect me, which is why I was upset he didn't contact me for 3 hours while I was waiting up. Still, I think I over-reacted!

 

Yes, he does live with degenerates but his lease is up in March and he's planning on moving.

 

And yes, he does display repeated acts of violence and anger, so perhaps that is enough to call the relationship quits.

 

And yes I do have anger management issues myself-I've had them since I dated a verbally abusive guy who was angry all the time. I've yelled, and thrown things around the room, and I hate that about myself.

[sandrawg]

Frankly, I am starting to feel I am too damaged to be in a relationship. I have so much anger inside... I have too many wounds, some caused by the bf I mention here, some caused by the infidelity and abandonment by my ex-husband, and some caused by a verbally abusive narcissist I dated, post-divorce.

 

I would go to a shrink but I do not have a job and only temporary health insurance.

[Capricorn3]

This relationship sounds pretty dysfunctional at best and I would agree with you that you should get some counselling (if possible) as you feel you are too damaged to be in a relationship. Maybe it's time to end it and get out and work on yourself for the next year or so until you feel mentally healthy enough to be with someone else.

 

(ETA: I agree with all of maverick554's post above).