i finally got closure

[ilios69]

hello all my friends who are in pain like i have been for the last couple of months.I just want to tell you all that time heals all wounds.I know your all sick of hearing that but trust me it is true.what gave me closure was something someone on this website had said to me in one of my posts.she told me that sometimes it takes a shock of something the other person does to help you get over them.now i look back and realize how stupid i was for running home to check my messages to see if she had called or calling my cell phone during the day to see if she left me a message

[lnxfrkk]

Hi Harcam,

 

I totally agree woth you.I got closure the other night when I saw my ex after 4 months and WOW!!! She is still the *beep* she was when she broke up with me, not only that but she got heavier after she broke up with me.I felt a lot better after I saw her because can tell that she is not making herself any better.It seems that she is throwing her life away.Your right,she doesn't feel anything for me, so why shouldn't I get on with my life and *beep* her.

 

Thanks for the info.Helped!!!

[lisaria]

Hey Harcam,

How long did it take you for this closure? Its been three and a half months since my breakup and I am still looking for it.

L

[murrayfaces]

I guess we're all looking for that great "closure" moment, or is it just a sense of closure we are looking for. I would say that 99% never get that closure moment we are looking for immediately after a break-up. In fact, I think a few months down the road, which is where I am now, our need for closure doesn't necessarily diminish, we just tailor the idea of what closure is going to be. Closure isn't going to be that great moment that two people decide to stay friends because you still care for each other in that way. Wrong. If we were meant to be friends, it would have stayed a "friendly" relationship. We all chose to take it that step further and turn on the romance/sex/whatever. Then boom, now we have these senses of attachment to each other. Maybe the attachment is what we're lookin to "close". Attachment must fade, with time, not be closed up.

 

I had been doing great with no contact, until I screwed up and caused a scene between he and I. It was silly, my feelings were potentially hurt again, and I realize that everytime I have contact with this person anymore I get hurt. So, is that my closure. Resigning myself to stop opening up new situations that also need closure. Look at it this way, if we never contact our ex's again, then time fades the pain away, thus no new wounds to patch up. And hopefully by then, we will have opened up ourself for someone newer, better, and greater.

 

If you see your ex, and they look terrible, or they are still a horrible person, that's OK if that makes you happy. But, what if they looked great, had a new partner, and are now this wonderful person. Are you still happy? No, no one would be. But, that's why we shouldn't hinge OUR recovery on theirs, or their lack of moving on. Whatever the reasons were/are, we are no longer together.

[ilios69]

Dear lisaria,my closure took about 4 months of constant agony and pain.I kept holding on. we were friends and we were still sleeping together,that was the first mistake i made.i should of just stopped all communication with her maybe it would not of been so painful.as murrayfaces said,everytime i went back and we had another fight the wounds would just get reopened.so i decided to get on with my life and just totally have nothing to do with this women anymore.the day i decided to do that this heavy load that was on my back just lifted right off,and i felt like i havent felt in months,i honestly had a great nights sleep and woke up relaxed and feeling great.i feel the no contact rule really wasnt working and i used that as an excuse to still feel that there might be a chance for us to work it out.but our situation always ended up to be the same.so whatever issues everybody has with there ex-es will always be there and if you feel you cant live with these issues then its time to move on and you will get your closure.

[lisaria]

Hey harcam,

I am glad you got your closure. I get wishy washy when it comes to sending him one last email. I think when I'm strong that I'll email him and wish him all the best in his life. But then I think when I'm being totally honest that I would be doing this to get some sort of response from him. If he ignored it then I would be devestated which means I am not ready for contacting him at all. I hope one day soon I will be at that stage. Tonite I feel nearly there, but who knows? Tomorrow I could be a sniveling wreck not able to get out of bed. So I'm still on that rollercoaster and want OFF!!!

I love the sound of that word. C-L-O-S-U-R-E. It makes me think of closing the door and opening a new one. I really want that. The bad thing is that I want him in that new life with me. How unhealthy can you get? It's all dayschemes and pipedreams, cause it will never be how I imagine it. But closure will come one day for all of us in all different ways and means.

Hey murray, I would love to see my ex getting his whatfor and looking like crap. Isn't that terrible? He's one of those people that good things ALWAYS happen to them. When he left me, he got a new g/f and a promotion at work. But maybe if he did get all out of shape and pukey looking that would help with these stupid fantasies I create of us together again. I wouldn't be attracted to that. Altho if I saw him with his g/f I'd go home and not go out for six weeks. Yep, still too much emotion involved with him to do an email.

Let's all hang in there and find closure whenever and however we can.

Lisa

[lnxfrkk]

Hi Lisaria,

 

I saw my ex at the mall about a week ago for the first time in 4 months and thought that I had received closure.The reason is because she saw me,we hugged, and she told me that me about things about my life that I told her sister,which I wasn't trying to relay to her.But the thing I think that made me upset is the fact that she was with a bunch of friends and was acting like different in front of them when she talked to me and then she just walked away from me.I don't think I should have got into contact with her and should have just walked away.Maybe this wasn't closure;maybe she still thinks that I haven't got over her yet.Also, one thing that surprised me is that after she started seeing somone else and they dumped her,she gained a lot of weight.Don't know if it's because if them or because she isn't happy.Do you think she may still have feelings in any way for me?

[lisaria]

Hey inxfrkk,

It's hard isn't it? I am so afraid I'll run into my ex with his friends or his new g/f. I think it would knock my healing back by months. It sounds like you acted very well when you saw your ex. Sounds like it was all very friendly and that was good.

Do you feel like you've had closure? Or did it knock you back a little in your healing? What do you think about it? Do you still have feelings for her? If you do and since everything was so friendly between you two then (and I don't usually suggest this), I would say send her a very short, friendly email. "It was nice seeing you. Take care." It's been long enough to say hi, don't you think? BUT.....only if you feel strong enough to accept anything. But I would think about it very seriously and do it from your head, not your heart. I'm still thinking with my heart.

Good luck and let me know what you do.

Lisa

[lnxfrkk]

Lisaria,

 

First of all, she changed her email and second of all she talked quick at the mall and walked away to be with her friends.It was a group of like 20.She's still young,20.She will be 21 in a ocouple of months and that is when she knows that she will be able to go to certain clubs that she couldn't before and will definitely forget about me.Seems like she is going to want to experience a lot more people because I was her first.People say that a you never forget your first, but it didn't seem that she didn;t seem to have feelings whe she saw me.I was in a relationship before her for 6 months, but didn;t hit me as hard as her because we were together for so long.

 

I think she needs to grow up and realize what she lost and that when she starts seriously dating again and is not happy, that I'm not going to be there as a replacement.That just gives her more control because she will do it to me again.Yes it was hard to see her because there were feelings that came back, but I will always love her and if we were meant to be, then god will bring us back together.It's been 4 months since we have been broken up and she has changed, but I have talked to people and it usually takes half the time you were together to heal completely.I just wish that I was happy again and that I would get on with my life some day, but right now, I feel that I don't want to do anything and just can't seem to motivate myself to do what I always wanted to finish:School,get a better job,etc.I hope that we get through this someday and that we realize that the grass is greener.I hope you find someone that you know will be the one that you spend the rest of your life with.that you are happy once again.

 

P.S. I saw Swingers for the first time the other day and can totally relate to what the guy was going through in the movie.Made me think.

 

Take care.

[lisaria]

I watched swingers last night

Even though it was about a guy, I could relate too.

Just remember it was her loss and there is someone better out there. I hope it works out however you want it to. It's been 3 1/2 months for me and I'm finally seeing the light in the tunnel. At least for today. And like you said, if it's meant to be God will set it right (or something like that). It will be when we are completely over them that they'll call like in the movie. Sigh. Why not today.

Lisa

[ilios69]

hey lisa you sound so sad,i truly am sorry for the pain you are going through.today i saw my ex in court,she came with her new boyfriend,i will not lie to you i was raging mad,and i felt hurt and betrayed yhat she found someone to fill my shoes so fast.I have been on a couple of dates with other women but i catch myself comparing them to my ex.You need to get him out of your head and the sooner you do that the sooner you will start your healing.talk to friends and family dont feel like you are boring them because these are the people that truly love you.if i can help you in anyway feel free to ask,or you can pm me if you want to know something private.start today as your first day of healing.take care for now...G

[lisaria]

Hey harcam,

Thank you for your kind words. I do feel better.

I'm sorry you had a bad day. It seems like they have nothing at all to remember about us. We mean nothing to them and that makes me so very sad. It just blows me away that someone who meant so much to me and said I meant so much to them at one time can act like they don't care if I'm alive or not. I guess no matter what people say or do you just never know what they are thinking and planning. Anyway...I hope you get your ex out of your head soon so you can start the healing too. I'm alot better than I was three months ago that's for sure. I don't cry as much, not even every day like I did. Hell for a while there I cried every hour and couldn't seem to stop. I have a bad habit of comparing my ex with guys I go out with now and there is no way they could ever measure up. He was a one of a kind. Anyway...We need to stop that right away. I'm not sure how. Work on the thought processes I guess. We can do that. Let's get them out of our heads today. Ok, tomorrow will work too. It's been such a long battle and I have a feeling it's not over yet, but they aren't winning. We are. We are going to be so much better. Lots of self-improvement. I just wish he knew it though. See...I can't stop thinking about him, his memory pops up in everything I do or say. How long does it take for pete's sake. Even if I don't write it down or say it the thoughts are still there. Is it like that with everyone here who are in this same position? How do you stop the thoughts?

Lisa

[lnxfrkk]

Lisaria,

 

You said that he was one of a kind and that no one can compare to him.I feel the same way with my ex.Do you believe that you will find someone or believe that someone in the future will be a lot better of a person than he could.Ther is so many things that an ex has that you would never believe anyone else can replace.There personality, the way they make you fell when your down or had a bad day.

 

It's so weird how you one can be so attached to a person like they are controlling you like a puppet.Once you break the strings, is when you wonder "WOW, I can't believe I was crying over this person."I don't need this person in my life.If they don't care about me or have any feelings, then why can't I move on like them and feel so miserable.They are happy.Like I said, Swingers is a perect example.You wait for the person to call you after 6 months and when they so, you meet someone else that is even better.Whn he met Heather Graham,they clicked after the dance.she waited 2 days to call him, which he was going to do.Then Vince Vaghn asks him"did you call your ex back?" and he says"It didn't occur to me." WOW, WHAT STRENGTH!!!

[lisaria]

Hi Inxfrkk,

I really hope I'll find someone that will blow my ex away one day. Part of me does believe that yes, there is someone better for me than him. But there is a part of me afraid that I'll end up settling for someone because of loneliness or security or something. And of course, there is the part that thinks he's still going to come back. I've been through this before and I survived and when I look back the b/fs that followed were progressively better. I live for the day when I won't care about my ex anymore. I want closure but I'm afraid if I finally get it, then it will truly be over. That will mean that he will not ever come back and that I really don't mean anything to him. All of my dreams will be dead and where will that leave me? Alone again. Sure, there will be new dreams but the part of me that trusts men keeps getting smaller and smaller. It gets harder and harder to let myself get close to someone. But I don't know how things will play out now, so I keep plugging away with the day to day living, hoping that special someone (whether it's my ex or someone new) will call me.

Did I get sidetracked Inx? Or did I come anywhere near answering your question?

lisaria

[lnxfrkk]

Hi Lisaria,

 

No you didn't get off track.I'm sorry you feel the way you do right now.I have been feeling better each day and strong.I've been doing more things that I've wanted to do for along time.Hope everything goes well with you and that your days ahead heal as time goes by.

[lisaria]

Hey Inx,

Thank you for that sweet post. I'm glad you're getting stronger. I sort of took matters into my own hands lately and sent him an email. If I get no reply or not the reply I want then I'm going to finish this. No more worrying about him anymore. It will be ended. Fini.

Lisa

[ilios69]

good for u lisa glad to see your getting stronger

[lisaria]

Hey harcam,

Thanks for that. I don't know if I'm getting stronger or just finally getting fed up. I guess you can only be miserable for so long. I am ready to live again and if that means without him then so be it. I still cry once in awhile and still want him with me, but there is nothing I can do about what he chooses to do. After all he chose to end this thing, not me and he did it in a cowardly way. But that's all in the past now. Thanks for your support, I never would have made it this far without it.

Thank God for this site.

Lisa