Facebook friend request?

[INeedHelpFast]

so long story short, me and my ex broke up about 6-7 months ago. I broke up with her because of another guy sort of taking over what we had, i felt second best all the time, and was consistently lied to.. anyways, at the time of the breakup, i defriended everyone on her side (things got very ugly), hoping to never hear anything about her again. I'd say im over it for the most part but a few days ago I get a friend request from one of her really good friends . I'm just trying to understand why this is so, its not something I would have expected. My ex still goes around talking about what happened so maybe shes not over it, but why did one of her really good friends friend request me out of nowhere, almost 7 months later? I feel like if my ex knew about it, she would be mad at her friend? Is there something I'm missing here? To be honest, if i had a chance to go out with her friend, I would, not to retaliate against my ex, but because I genuinely like her friend, and a while back, her friend used to be interested in me as well. Do you guys think im over thinking this?

 

I haven't accepted it yet because I want to stay out of my ex's life, and vice versa.

[PennyLane09]

i think you need to figure out what is more important to you,..keeping out of your ex's life (and vice versa) or getting a date w/this chicky...i would recommend NOT friending this person but i happen to think facebook is toxic in that respect..

[alli]

My first thought was your ex was behind the girl adding you as a friend, as a way to give your ex a way to spy on you & see what you're up to. But then I saw you said that you guys were interested in each other, so maybe that's the real reason. Even so, it hasn't really been that long since the breakup, and this girl is her best friend!! I just don't see how it could possibly work out. She's just too close to your ex.

 

I don't see why you couldn't be facebook friends though, unless it will bring your ex back into your mind when you see her leaving messages on her friends wall, or looking through the friend's photos & seeing your ex in them. Or, your ex with a new guy?

 

If you can handle it & don't mind seeing updates from this girl & possibly stuff about your ex, then add her. If you will freak out seeing pictures of your ex & reading her written words to her friend.. possibly seeing pictures of her you'd rather not see... then don't. Either way, I wouldn't date this girl.

[INeedHelpFast]

i think you need to figure out what is more important to you,..keeping out of your ex's life (and vice versa) or getting a date w/this chicky...i would recommend NOT friending this person but i happen to think facebook is toxic in that respect..

 

Well the thing is I want to move onto new people and I liked this girl (her friend) before we started dating. But isn't it weird that she would send that after I defriended her? And it wasn't like we were good friends anyways so it makes it a little more strange

[INeedHelpFast]

to be honest, thats the only reason i havent accepted it yet, because i dont want to see any pictures or anything. but in the perspective of a girl, do you think she is doing this to make me jealous in the sense that i can see the pictures, or is she expressing interest? as far as them being best friends, she has ditched my ex on numerous occasions, so i wouldnt say "best" lol. but there is some motive behind this right? my ex defriended all of my friends and got some of hers to defriend me so obviously she must be mad at one of her friend resending me the friend request?

[newinvention]

I say send her a message letting her know that you do not want to cause trouble with the ex, but if she'd like to contact you here's you email/phone etc... Maybe she likes you and thinks enough time has passed that you are officially on the market???

[INeedHelpFast]

I say send her a message letting her know that you do not want to cause trouble with the ex, but if she'd like to contact you here's you email/phone etc... Maybe she likes you and thinks enough time has passed that you are officially on the market???

 

yeah i was thinking about that, but what exactly do you mean in terms of causing trouble with the ex? i want to think that im overthinking this, but why would she want to just be normal facebook friends right? i feel like there HAS to be some kind of an agenda lol

[newinvention]

yeah i was thinking about that, but what exactly do you mean in terms of causing trouble with the ex? i want to think that im overthinking this, but why would she want to just be normal facebook friends right? i feel like there HAS to be some kind of an agenda lol

 

I just mean that's what you tell her (purposely keeping it vague). I would not spell out that you don't want your ex seeing your stuff and vice-versa.

 

I think if she wants to get to know you or get together, it's a very easy, benign way to open that door (FB that is). It may appear far too bold if she called you or emailed you. I think she's feeling you out - or up Sorry had to.

[Kain27]

I say send her a message letting her know that you do not want to cause trouble with the ex, but if she'd like to contact you here's you email/phone etc...

 

Good call that's what i would suggest as well. See what happens from there, if anything...

[INeedHelpFast]

Good call that's what i would suggest as well. See what happens from there, if anything...

 

do you think waiting for a message from her would be another wise move? or would she just not bother if i didnt accept?

[alli]

to be honest, thats the only reason i havent accepted it yet, because i dont want to see any pictures or anything. but in the perspective of a girl, do you think she is doing this to make me jealous in the sense that i can see the pictures, or is she expressing interest? as far as them being best friends, she has ditched my ex on numerous occasions, so i wouldnt say "best" lol. but there is some motive behind this right? my ex defriended all of my friends and got some of hers to defriend me so obviously she must be mad at one of her friend resending me the friend request?

 

It's hard to say why she added you. Some people just add every single person they've ever met on facebook. If you showed up in her "people you may know" box she might have thought "why not?" & just clicked add.

 

Can you look at any part of her profile? If there isn't a lot about your ex on there (like, no messages to each other, no pictures of her) then that part should be ok, and it may indicate that giving your ex access to your profile wasn't her intent, because if they don't seem to talk much that may not have been the reason.

 

I say send her a message letting her know that you do not want to cause trouble with the ex, but if she'd like to contact you here's you email/phone etc... Maybe she likes you and thinks enough time has passed that you are officially on the market???

 

I like this idea.

 

do you think waiting for a message from her would be another wise move? or would she just not bother if i didnt accept?

 

If you don't respond at all to her friend request by neither accepting it nor sending her a message, I would most certainly say there is an almost nill chance she will send you a message. If she put herself out there once & you ignored it, why would she do it again? I would send her a message like Dave suggested & see where it goes.

[Rob1000]

I'd say she still likes you and is possibly interested in you. I wouldn't imagine this has anything to do with your ex. She's testing the waters for herself.

[MnSnR]

Whoa whoa wait a minute here! This girl is your exes friend...DO NOT go there. Funny how's its all the males saying send her a message and give her your number etc so she can contact you!? Do not do this. This is your exes friend (or atleast your ex thinks so) so out of respect for your ex and to save her from being hurt further I suggest you just decline the friend request and forget about it.

[alcide]

well for sure adding her friend and going out is liking pushing a knife down her tammy , so if you dont want her to start hating you or hurting her please dont accept friend request if you already thinking that way.

[INeedHelpFast]

dave- lol thats funny. im a bit apprehensive at the same time, what if I make myself look like a fool by her not responding back? as far as her liking me, that was years ago, but who knows.

 

 

alli- i agree with your idea of her putting herself out there, i guess that was a bold move in itself. im pretty sure my ex would hate her for doing that as my ex despises me, even though i broke up with her because it was mainly her fault. as for her profile, i can see everything but the wall, i didnt click on the pictures and stuff because i know ill see my ex somewhere, but other than that i can see everything but the wall.

 

rob1000- haha that would be the most ideal situation and yeah it has nothing to do with my ex, but im pretty sure the ex wouldn't be too pleased about this situation right?

 

 

MnSnR- i know exactly what youre thinking. I don't want to do this to hurt my ex (even though she hurt me), but what makes me want to do it is out of self interest, im not the type to hurt anyone if they hurt me, because i believe in what goes around comes around. as for respecting my ex, i have no respect for her or very little at the least, after what she put me through. It's a tough situation

 

alcide- I was thinking about not accepting it, but mainly because i didnt want to see anything about my ex.

 

 

I appreciate everyone's advice, I know its not as big of a problem as what many other people are going through on this board, but its my first time going through all of this so it definitely means alot!

[Kain27]

It's really a tough situation to be in, it has to be handled very delicately. I wouldn't rule out the possibility that she is there to "spy" on you. It certainly may not be the reason or only reason but it's gotta be thought about. I would just message her say "I don't want to cause any trouble and that us being friends on facebook may start something with the ex."

 

"If you would like to talk to me here is my e-mail we can keep in contact there." At least that way, you guys can still stay in contact if indeed she likes you and eliminates the possibility of her actually just being there to spy on you. If she doesn't mind that then that might be a good sign.

[MakestheBest]

I think you need to be very careful, because you are looking at it from a guys point of view with the "she may be interested" bit. From a woman's point of view its is far more likely that she is trying to get close or spy on you on her friends behalf. In women's circles for a woman to date someone that her friend is even interested in is a violation, you would have to talk it out first-we're very territorial. So for her friend to try to date you esp. when you say the ex had trouble getting over the breakup is a BIG violation in the world of women. Even if thats what she wanted i would expect trouble down the line.

[INeedHelpFast]

kain- i agree its a very delicate situation, thats why im thinking about not doing anything and just see how it plays out, maybe she'll send a message? who knows. other than that im not really sure how to play it safe. I think I may resort to saying what you and others have suggested, but i feel like i should wait a little while longer

 

makesthebest- you're absolutely right, i had a feeling i was over-thinking this lol. From a woman's perspective, why would she want to spy though? whats done is done. lets say shes not interested, wouldn't the ex be mad at her trying to friend me online? I say this because when we broke up, I deleted her friends, and she told her friends to delete me, so I'm sure she would be mad at one of her friends doing this. Coming from a woman's perspective, what do you really think is going on? or is it too hard to judge?

[MakestheBest]

We (women) don't think like you (men) do. What she said and felt on tuesday may not be the same on thursday, her mood may have changed or she may have thought things over, or she could just be possessive and want to know whats going on with you. I just helped one of my friends facebook check up on her ex fiances current wife and she has no interest in being with him, she is just being nosey because there are still feelings attached to him. There are a million reasons why your ex would want to spy on you. I couldn't guess to be honest.

If there was an ex who went NC with me and I still cared about him and had no way of knowing what he was doing / thinking /feeling, I probably wouldnt get a friend to fb friend him, but i would surely be tempted.

 

If you want to know for sure, you can mssg the friend: I don't really think its a good idea to keep ties with "insert ex's name" and her friend. Esp on facebook. But if you ever just want to say "hey" you can email me here... This way you don't feel guilty or immature for ignoring her. And if she doesnt respond at all there is an even better chance she was just spying.

[mikem]

Doesn't sound like a big deal if she's acting independently of your ex.

[INeedHelpFast]

thanks for the advice everyone i really really appreciate it. I think I will wait a little longer and then send that message just to see what she wants. I'm ruling out the possibility that she's interested in me, and I think I may not pursue it as I feel like it would hurt me ex. Even though she put me through a lot of s***, I don't want her to be hurt over me pursuing one of her friends, even though my intention isn't to hurt her. I guess all of that aside, it just raises the question of whether or not it was innocent or if she has an objective. I'm leaning towards the idea that she has an objective as when you search my name, my picture doesn't show, and there are obviously alot of people with the name Mike lol. However, I do remember that when we broke up, she was the only one who didn't defriend me out of that group of friends, and it seemed like she wanted to keep a channel open for me to find out whats going on with my ex and be jealous of it.. so I defriended her and now 7 months later she wants to be friends again.