Having a serious talk with my boyfriend's parents.

[Asmokraemer]

My boyfriend's mom doesn't like me. She doesn't hate me, but she also doesn't approve and wants her son to dump me. She thinks I'm not good enough for him, that my emotional problems are keeping him from focusing on his emotional problems, that I'm rude and (probably) ungrateful, that I'm just too different and how can he like someone like me? There is more.

 

Anyway, I think a lot of this is a missunderstanding between her and I. My boyfriend is tired of being in the middle of all of this and we think it's time that we all sit down together and have a talk. I want my boyfriend and I to explain to her what's really going on because she's only seeing one side of the story. For example, she thinks he isn't happy with me because when we're all together, he's really uncomfortable. Why? Because I'm nervous and scared around her because everything I say and do she seems to analyze and criticize and find insults in them or reasons why her son shouldn't be with me. I once made a comment on how I don't like carpet (My boyfriend and I were watching a house remodeling show and they put carpet in the house) and she took it personally. Things like that.

 

My point is I'm really nervous about this. I'm afraid she wont be open to hearing me and wants to think what she wants to think regardless of what anyone else has to say. I have never purposely TRIED to spite her, which she thinks I do on purpose, or anything else to suggest that I don't like her or her house or her efforts to be nice to me. I always give thank you cards when they give me gifts for christmas, graduation, etc. Because of the things she says to my boyfriend (he used to tell me them because I asked and doesn't anymore because it hurts me too much, though a few things come through to me anyway) I WANT to start spiting her and doing things to be difficult. I haven't yet, except for not treating the rough skin on my hands (winter related) because I know it will irritate her that I'm not super girly and don't use lotion all the time. It doesn't bother me and I don't know why me being so different from her is cause for such..animosity. It's not like I'm drinking or doing drugs and dragging her son down into an abyss. It's me not wearing nice clothes (I'm poor and have dirty/physical jobs where nice things are impractical) or having the same tastes in things as her.

 

Haha, way to ramble, I suppose. I guess I want some advice/encouragement for this.

[Batya33]

Your bf has to decide on his own whether to have a talk with his mother - it's his mother. What you can do is invite his mother to lunch, just the two of you, and decide to be a very good listener as far as her concerns - without being confrontational or defensive. Really listen. The goal is not to prove her wrong or convince her otherwise but to show her that you're there to listen. Then, explain to her that you have done her best to listen, and that you understand that this is coming from a place of caring for the best interests of her son. Ask her whether she thinks it's possible to compromise, to meet in the middle with the goal of having a positive relationship going forward, in the event that you become part of the family.

 

Fair or not it is far more your job to make sure that things are positive and peaceful between you and his mother because chances are he will choose his mother over you (especially since he hasn't initiated the idea of a sit down). Can you maybe meet her halfway and moisturize once in awhile, maybe wear something with a floral print if you all go out for dinner or similar? "Be cheerful and stupid" - so that when she critcizes you, smile and say "I really appreciate your input and I'll try my best to consider doing things that way".

 

Believe me if you ever marry this guy - and especially if you ever have a child - you will need her in your corner. Now it may turn out that she is just pyscho and there is no way to ingratiate yourself but if you try and your bf sees you trying (yes the thank you cards are a good start!) that hopefully will help the situation. Good luck.

[Scorpion Fury]

You can't make her like you, no matter what you do, and I really don't think you should lose any sleep over it.

 

My guess is no matter who you were, she wouldn't like you. She's one of those mothers that thinks no one is good enough for her little boy. That's why she looks as hard as she does to find flaws with you.

 

I don't know that this talk will help anything, but it's worth a try.

[Batya33]

You can't make her like you, no matter what you do, and I really don't think you should lose any sleep over it.

 

My guess is no matter who you were, she wouldn't like you. She's one of those mothers that thinks no one is good enough for her little boy. That's why she looks as hard as she does to find flaws with you.

 

I don't know that this talk will help anything, but it's worth a try.

 

Well, that could be but that is a lot of speculation. That is why I suggested a lunch where the OP mostly listens and acts in a non-confrontational, non-defensive way.

[Asmokraemer]

I agree with Batya. She e-mailed me today saying that she knows about how we want to talk with her and that kicked on a light in me. I thought "Well, if she knows, then she's willing to try too" and I am more comfortable with the idea.

 

It's easier and fun to think of her as the bad guy but I can't do that. It isn't fair to her or to my relationship. I have an e-mail typed out (not sent) about how I think it would be better for us to sit down at lunch and talk about things rather than drag my bf and her husband into the mess. They've sort of been in the middle with our conflicts.

[Citlali]

While I agree with the whole "non-confrontational" sit-down, I disagree that the main responsibility is on the OP to keep the peace. She has apparently done nothing wrong, so I think it is a joint effort between herself and her bf. I'd also be put off if my boyfriend stood around like a helpless child without attempting more to calm his mother down. It's his mother! He should know how to talk to her and I think it is his DUTY to do so in this situation so that she doesn't harass the OP for no reason. How can it be his "choice" if this is an important matter that is clearly ruining their relationship? There shouldn't be a question in his mind that he needs to speak to his mother, albeit in a non-confrontational way. I find it so disgusting that everyone else is in an uncomfortable situation over a woman who acts as if she were a 15 year old high school girl. Nevertheless, I realize that the OP must try. I agree that she should make it clear she wants to listen and that she has every best intention, because in the end it is his mother. I just hope the bf has the character to take responsibility where he should and to support the OP. Best of luck.

[Asmokraemer]

I want to clarify that he has had many talks with his mom. He tries to get her to understand but doesn't say the right words or she doesn't believe him or something. He is tired of being in the middle, trying to communicate both mine and his mother's thoughts, emotions, etc. He feels torn because if he defends one of us, the other one argues with him and it's just too much.

 

Also, she has never said any of these things to my face. She puts up with it and then brings it up to him later, when I'm not there. I feel like if she came to me in the first place, none of this would have happened.