My New Year's resolution is to kill myself

[wendy torrance]

I recently posted about a friend of mine who committed suicide. I couldn't believe she'd done it. I couldn't fathom how someone could believe that ending their own life was really the only option to stopping their pain.

 

Maybe what she did stirred something inside of me. I don't know. But shortly after that I started to think a lot about killing myself. It's odd, because I never really seriously considered it before. I've had my ups and downs, and some of the downs have been pretty low. But I always get back up and keep on. I always felt like things would turn around, and usually, I was right. But I've begun to feel that my life is never going to get any better. I just lost my job, which I only had for about two months (I was laid off, and before this job was out of work for about eight months). I have mounds of debt and am probably going to have to declare bankruptcy. I live with my parents right now, which is a nightmare, and how am I supposed to get out of here with no job, and horrible credit? No one will allow me to rent anyplace. It's so incredibly embarrassing to live at home at the age of 30. I try to avoid mentioning anything about where I live when I'm in a social setting because it makes me feel like such a loser. I've been asked out by men I actually liked and turned them down because I'm ashamed to be where I am right now - not just where I live, but where I'm at in my life. I feel totally worthless, stupid, and uninteresting. I feel like I have faked my way through life, that when I receive praise for something, I don't deserve it, that when people like me, it's because they think I'm someone I'm really not. I don't know if that makes sense, but I don't care enough to go back and try to re-word it. I have friends, all of whom have respectable jobs, their own homes, loving boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives... and I look at them, and then I look at myself, and I am reminded that I lag behind them, and why is that? Because I'm a piece of s**t. Because I'm stupid and worthless. Because I got it all wrong, somehow. And I haven't been able to figure out how to get it right. So that's why I think I would be better off dead.

 

I'm not depressed, or angry. I don't even really consider myself in any sort of emotional pain. I'm just through with it all. I really don't care anymore. I sit and think about my family and friends and how they would feel if I killed myself. I know it would rip them all to pieces. I remember how I felt when I found out that my friend had shot herself. I recall having posted something like "I just don't get how someone who is so loved can feel that hopeless."

 

But you know what? I have a lot of people around me who love me. And I can recall, very clearly, how horrible I felt when I learned my friend was dead. But none of that is stopping me from thinking that I will never be anything worthwhile.

 

It's weird that not that long ago I was totally blindsided by my friend's suicide and couldn't figure out why she could have possibly done it. Now I feel like she had the right idea.

 

I'm just tired of everything. Maybe I'm weak, maybe I'm a coward. Whatever. None of that matters to me. I suppose I'm selfish, too. I know I'm going to hurt a lot of people. I just can't do it anymore.

[Mauxly]

I just can't do it anymore.

 

Yes you can and you will. Personal message forthcoming. Too much to say on a public forum.

[BellaDonna]

Hi Wendy. I am sorry that you are feeling so down.

 

You really should seek some professional help. You are dealing with a lot of stress right now from your friend's suicide and you are not thinking clearly.

 

When I was in high school there was one girl in my class who killed herself at age 16. Both her brother and her best friends also made attempts to take their own lives after that- but were found before it was too late. They are ok today thankfully.

 

The grief from suicide can be very profound and contagious. Please do not continue this cycle of hurt by taking your own life.

 

Think of your little brother that you posted about before on this site. What if he'd be next one to try this, if his sister who cares about him so much?

 

PLEASE tell someone that can help you how you are feeling.

 

((Hugs))

 

Bella

[bungalo]

Please get some help. I checked myself into the hospital over my breakup last week for a day...because I was feeling like I could hurt myself. Call this number...they have some great counselors (National Suicide Prevention Helpline) 1-800-273-TALK ...You are more than your living situation. We all are. You are a valuable person going through a tough time, and you are not thinking rationally. It's ok to be desperate, but the fact that you wrote this post on ENA tells me that

you WANT some help. Please call the number. You WILL get better.

[fLuiD]

Channel your negative thoughts, into something productive. Hit the gym, go jogging, go cycling...do anything. Physical activity really is a tremendous way to heal. Try many different things to get your mind off these self destructive thoughts. If after a few weeks of getting physically active or keeping your mind busy you still feel bad, let us know on ENA, and we'll look into what else we can suggest.

[RideOn]

I have a lot of people around me who love me.

 

That's all the more reason NOT to end your life. Make 2010 a new start for you. It will be the year of new beginnings for you.

[stormie]

Agree with the people above.

You know, that job thing and living with your parents only seem "looser-like", but the reality is that many people are in that situation today because of the economy. Many are the people with credit problems. Please don't let that tell you who you are. People's characters make up way more than a stupid man made money system.

 

I think your real struggle is the loss of your friend. Please seek professional help. I feel for you and hope for your best.

[UserLain]

Here's to praying that we hear back from Wendy.

 

Please stick around wendy, I've felt suicidal on and off thruout my life since i was about 16, even a little bit right now. I'm here tho. Basically because I know suicide is a choice I can't undo. You mention feeling like you'll never be anything worthwhile. I definitely understand that feeling.

 

Sometime when everything gets too much and i stop caring about everything I just let myself stop caring. I just go into a spiritual coma so to speak. become an unproductive vegetable, play video games all day and just plain surrender to it all and stop fighting for awhile. Knowing that when I'm ready i can try again, or just stay that way as long as i feel like it. I dont know if that would help you for how you're feeling. But doing that has pulled me out of many difficult times where life was too much for me to take. I let all the pressure off myself and just plain embrace my lack of caring. Just allow it. It's not the best solution. But it's better than dying. At times like this -any- solution that keeps you living is a good solution.

 

I imagine it's the worst thing to hear people say to you "seek professional help" I know -I've- hated hearing it. But someone who can help you better than us (and I assure you a professional certainly should be able) would be ideal.

 

Just remember what you said about not feeling like you'll be anything worthwhile. They say where there's a will, there's a way. But sometimes we lose our will when we've been so repeatedly unable to -find- a way. Perhaps a therapist can really help you find a way to a more peaceful and happy life. and to help find the strength and inner well-being needed within you to achieve and "be something worthwhile". But deep down, hopefully they'll help you see that you don't need to. That you're already are someone worthwhile.

[mandellin]

I know maybe this is crazy but I have thought of it myself before,too. I had one good friend who mysteriously knew what I was thinking and called me and told me to stop because she couldn't handle it.

 

Know I fill my days with reading and Post Secret link removed has actually been very therapeutic for me.

 

I hope you change your mind and make 2010 a better year for yourself. I know it is hard to see that there is hope but there is...you just have to take it and make it your own.

[stormie]

I thought about Wendy today. Hope she's OK.

[Mauxly]

I've been thinking about her too. She never replied to my private message and she hasn't been online since this post, so far as I can tell.

Wendy, if you are out there, can you post and let us know? We are thinking about you!

[UserLain]

Wendy, if you are out there, can you post and let us know? We are thinking about you!

 

Yes we are

[wendy torrance]

Well, I'm still here. I wish I could say that I took all the advice, and listened to everyone's urges not to give up. But I didn't.

 

I overdosed on New Year's Day, and my mom found me on the floor of my bathroom. I don't remember anything. I woke up in the hospital. I was transferred to the psychiatric ward. I just got home today.

 

When I woke up, after realizing where I was, I was livid. I know this is probably going to anger a lot of people on here, but it's the truth. I felt even more like a failure, because I couldn't even kill myself.

 

I don't want to go into any detail about my stay in the psych ward, other than to say that despite the compassion and understanding of the doctors, nurses and other staff members, I felt humiliated and ashamed every second I was there.

 

I am, obviously, going to be in therapy for a long while. I have a new doctor who seems nice.

 

My parents were devastated. I thought my mom was going to drag a sleeping bag into my room tonight because she wouldn't leave me alone after I got home. I can see in her face, as well as my stepdad's, that this killed them. They look older or something.

 

A lot of people came to see me. Many more than I expected. Most of them cried when they saw me. People I thought didn't give a s*** showed up.

 

The shame I felt being in the hospital, and seeing the pain I put my family and friends through, made me realize what an incredibly horrible, selfish decision I made. I still think everything sucks, and I still feel like a loser. But I don't want to die. Not really. I want to kill a small part of myself. But not the whole self.

 

Thanks to everyone who posted, and came back to see if I'd been back online. I'm sorry I didn't listen to anyone. But I am still here, and I'm going to just deal, and hope things get better.

[UserLain]

WENDY!! I'm SO happy to see you back on. I hope you aren't angry to hear that. Because I know you wanted to die. I'm just about to fall asleep but I want to come back and give you a more thoughtful response. I imagine it must be weird or seem like bull when strangers care so much, but yea. It's not bull. My face lit up when I saw your name on the threads list.

 

Take good care, I know you don't have answers yet on what will make you happy and not feel bad about yourself anymore, and I know we don't really have those answers for you either and can only try to help as best we can with our thoughts, ideas, and support. But I think i speak for all of us when I say I'm rooting for you. and if I have anything offer in the way of advice or insight I will do my best.

 

Take very good care

[waveseer]

I'm really glad you made it and that you are getting the help you need. It sounds like you had quite a reality check and you can see things with a different perspective.

 

I can relate to the shame, I woke up after my suicide attempt feeling like a complete failure because I couldn't even kill myself right. Today I am so glad I failed, life is good, I am successful at it, and I've had the opportunity to love and be loved by so many good people.

[hers]

Oh wendy, I am glad you are still here. I'm not familiar with your story or you, but it seems you have had a change of heart and that you realized what a blessing you are to people, even if it's so hard to see it.

 

NEVER GIVE UP. Life doesn't have to be bad. It will suck at times, sometimes more often than we want it to, but we have the ability to lead the lives we want to lead and only we can change our circumstances, even if we don't see a way out of anything. Be strong, depend on the ones who LOVE YOU, and depend on us if you need to.

 

Praying for you!

[Blunt]

Can I just say something? You're a woman, right? You do have an option- find someone, fall in love, get married. That will get you out of your parents house, for example.

[red_sky_girl]

hey wendi i just read your thread....and im glad u are still here...i can immgine a part of your pain...but there is still a ligth shining for u in the end of the tunnel if u can see and feel it...u have lots of things to give to yourself, people and this word...just keep going...u will get better i promisse

 

hugs

[Mauxly]

Thank you so much for posting. I've been thinking about you a lot. It sounds like you have a spectacular support group and are getting the help you need. You will pull through this and have a wonderful life, I know that it doesn't seem like it now, but things do get better.

We are here for you too.

[Jetta]

You should really go on the dates you've been asked on it'll lift your spirits. The economy sucks these days a lot of people are dealing with issues that are unusual for them. Foreclosures, living in apartments with room mates, etc. I think you need to give life a chance. Everyone has their tough times.

[wendy torrance]

Thank you so much, everyone, for your kind words and for thinking of and praying for me - even though none of us have ever met. It truly means a lot to me to know that you're all pulling for me

 

I just wanted to give everyone a little update. I am currently going to therapy sessions weekly. (IMO, this is a little excessive - but I'm not arguing with anybody.) My therapist and psychiatrist are wonderful people. I've been put on medication, which I'm not nuts about. Apparently, I suffer from major depression as well as Asperger's syndrome and OCD. Jeez! I didn't feel particularly depressed - mostly apathetic. But whatever. I don't yet have a job, but I am trying to keep myself as busy as possible, so I've started writing again. I kept a journal for years and also wrote several short stories - nothing too spectacular, but it was a good outlet, and then I stopped because I got into a relationship and forgot about it (big mistake!!). I'm also thinking of joining a class of some sort, just something fun to do once in awhile, that involves me getting out of the house and being forced to meet some new people (which I struggle with, being an aspie). My friends and family have been very supportive, if a little overprotective.

 

I do feel as though I've permanently lost some credibility because of my attempt, though, and that is hard to think about. I sometimes feel like I'm wearing a sandwich board that reads "I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I WAS A COWARD" in big red letters. I worry that prospective employers could be made aware of the whole thing and I could miss out on employment opportunities. I also fear that people around me will never look at me the same way, that they might not say certain things around me or to me that they would've had no problem saying before. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. I guess in a sense I deserve to think those things and have those worries creeping up in my mind because of what I did.

 

BTW - Jetta, yours was the most recent post and you mentioned that maybe I should go out on some dates. I think I'm going to give it a shot fairly soon.