I want to be a better boyfriend/husband

[MarkD]

I feel so aweful right now. My GF and I were together for 2 years...she lived with me for 3 months until she went to school. The whole time we were together, she told me how great a person I am, how much she loved me, how good I made her feel about herself, and even when we argue she still loved being with me and making up too.

 

Then she came accross an old profile I had on a singles site (that I hadnt used since we were together) and it all went downhill from there. She said she doesnt know if she can trust who Im talking to online now, and she said that she would get frustrated with me cause she couldnt voice her opinion cause I would get angry... She said she needs time to figure things out for her..time apart..

 

My problem is that i know I can be VERY stubborn and sometimes snappy too. How am I too fix these things if my SO doesnt tell me??? I would even be willing to go to councelling to help...I want to fix this about my personality.

 

The thing that really stings is that my previous relationship ended for pretty much the same issues When I got into the new relationship, I tried to enforce that we need to communicate and be open with these things.

 

Now she has gone to NC with me and Im so lost....hurting so bad...she is all I think about...

 

Am I just attracted to the wrong type of person for me?

[nutbrownhare]

Firstly, well done for being strong and honest enough to recognise that you have responsibility in this - that's the first step to solving the problem, and it's a really courageous one.

 

However, when you ask:

 

'Am I just attracted to the wrong type of person for me?'

 

When you have already said:

 

'My problem is that i know I can be VERY stubborn and sometimes snappy too'

 

I'm wondering what sort of person would be looking for a partner who's very stubborn and snappy. Your current girl has also said that she didn't think she could voice her opinion because you'd get angry. It's all very well to say you want open communication, but that doesn't mean getting angry when the other person says something you don't want to hear.

 

I'm also wondering if you're someone who needs to 'win' in relationships - to win arguments and not back down, both because of what she says and what you say about yourself. Just being stubborn for the sake of it is a real relationship killer - successful relationships are about win/win solutions, not one person consistently getting their own way at the expense of the other. Don't judge yourself harshly on this - it's actually coming from a very vulnerable place - but you may find that being gracious and compromising will prove to be more rewarding than being stubborn.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

[MarkD]

thanks for the response.

 

I know, I guess my statement kinda contradicts itself. I guess what I meant to say was that maybe I need someone who could be patient with me and help me? Someone who could give me a "time out" and explain how I make them feel? I really try to be a nice person...I seriously do. I am a very sensitive person, and I try so hard. Sometimes I get stuck in my "ways" and I cant acknowledge what Im doing, when Im doing it.

 

I feel so horrible for hurting my GF.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Anger management can be a very tricky thing for many people. I'm sure there are many free resources online. A few things I would try: train yourself to give yourself a time out when you feel it coming on. Then, occupy your mind by thinking about why you are being stubborn. Why are you feeling upset? What are you really fighting for? Is it that important? Is it worth making your SO feel bad? Or is it worth losing her over? Force yourself to count to five before you issue a response in an argument. Remind yourself that your SO is a good person, and she's on your side. Agree to a code word (like "break") that means it's time to diffuse and walk away - and both of you stick to it.

 

You certainly can't have a healthy relationship when one person is walking on eggshells. Try telling her you're willing to go to counseling. Good luck.