Betty79 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 We broke up 4 months ago after 3 months of dating, things moved quite quickly (mostly initiate by him) - he was not ready for a relationship. Had some periods of NC, longest was 6 weeks, other than that no more than 2 weeks. In the last month we have met up a couple of times for drinks, had a lovely time and both times he kissed me more than once. Since the last time we met up about 2.5 weeks ago he has got quite distant again. He asked me to email him which i did and then he took ages to reply. Now he texts me but only to send a silly joke or something. Sometimes I will make a comment back, which maybe doesn't need a reply but all the same he never says anything to me anymore. What is it with this guy...why keep sending me jokes and things and not bother speaking to me? I would rather not keep in touch at all than have this. I did mention it to him in an email, that i thought it was a little silly that we dont even talk just send silly jokes after having such a nice time the last time we met and that i didnt expect anything of him relationship wise anymore but we could still keep in touch sometimes if he wanted to. He was like...im in shock here, when have i not spoken to you, the emails and texts have been flying again recently. Im confused. Can he really be that stupid? He had probably sent me about 4 jokes in the previous 2 days but not said a word to me. I text him today to say that we had been sent home early from work today cos of the snow. I knew it was his last day here before going back home for xmas tonight. Yes i didnt specifically ask him anything but not a word from him. Not even have a nice xmas. Nadda. Zilch. I mean how mean is that? He started up the contact again, i was almost over him and now if feels like he is playing with me again. Any clues on this guy??? What should i do? Its hard cos when we are together it is really good and i like him a lot. Is he just playing me? Link to comment
Celestialagape54 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 I hate to sound mean but it seems like he is playing with you! I think that you need to go back into NC and lose his number if you have to. Link to comment
Betty79 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Share Posted December 23, 2009 Hi thanks Lunar, I have been quite good at not contacting him although have slipped once or twice recently and initiated. The thing is I start NC and then he will send something again and I have never been good at ignoring texts but maybe this is what i should do right? I just dont understand it though, he has never tried anything on when we have met up apart from kissing, so i dont think its a booty call thing but why bother with this type of communication if you dont want anything...what is he getting from it?? The last time we met up he suggested going for a drink before he went home for xmas although that never materialised. Link to comment
Celestialagape54 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 He is doing this because he knows that you will respond to him. He knows that he has you within arms reach. He knows that he can drop off the face of the earth and the come back and you will be there. He needs to realize you are no longer his girlfriend and that he needs to stop treating you like his beck and call girl. He also does this because YOU let him! You need to be firm about this...do not let him treat you like a booty call. You need to be firm and tell him that he needs to make up his mind you are either together or not. If he says no then you need to tell him to leave you the heck alone and DO NOT respond when he contacts y Link to comment
Clarity Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 He's being evasive, but because you are letting him. You say you don't want anything from him relationship-wise. In that case, you really have no right to hold him accountable to a certain level of communication. He clearly doesn't want a relationship with you at this point - that door is open and he's not stepping through it. If you want more from him, you want a relationship and say that and if he says no, move on. If you're not willing to risk that, then you need to lower your expectations of his behaviour. Link to comment
Betty79 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Share Posted December 23, 2009 Ok, what i said to him was that I know he doesnt want a relationship and I wouldn't want to be in one with him either the way he is at the moment, which is true but I guess I do hope for something more in future, I wouldnt really just want to be friendzoned forever, so maybe I do have expectations but I have given him time and space and am not pressurising him for anything. He is the one getting in contact again and now doing the evasive stuff, which i find it hard to understand. Before our big 6 weeks of NC i clearly told him to take time and space and come back if he ever was ready for anything more and if i was still available then maybe we could think about it. Maybe I got my hopes up when he did start getting in touch again but he obviously hasn't taken into consideration what i said. Link to comment
Clarity Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 He's testing you: has she *really* taken away my option of being a little more than friends, but not in a relationship? Was her ultimatum for real? So far, your answer to him is "no". Link to comment
Betty79 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Share Posted December 23, 2009 Also what can i say to him now? I cant just turn around now and say actually i do want a relationship with you so dont contact me again unless you do too after i have told him that i dont want one with him the way he is at the moment?? Link to comment
Betty79 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Share Posted December 23, 2009 I mean he is sending me jokes and the like....it would look like i was really bothered if i specifically contacted him to ask him to stop doing this. Maybe he just sees it as a way of being friendly? but then again if we were going to be friends then surely he would say somethign occasionally as well...so frustrating! Link to comment
Clarity Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 I mean he is sending me jokes and the like....it would look like i was really bothered if i specifically contacted him to ask him to stop doing this. Maybe he just sees it as a way of being friendly? but then again if we were going to be friends then surely he would say somethign occasionally as well...so frustrating! You are so afraid of losing his interest that you seem you don't feel that you have the right to express your true feelings. Are you *not* really bothered by his behaviour? Why are you posting here then? I think you are bothered by it and rightfully so - he is sending mixed signals. Be frank with him, that you're not interested in mixed signals. Either that, or don't be so available to him, but don't expect it to "win him over", it can easily go in the opposite direction. However, if it should, all the better for you, because it proves he's not interested in anything more. You are just important as a person as he is. Your opinions and how you feel matter - don't push them away just because he's giving you a bit of attention now! Link to comment
Betty79 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Share Posted December 23, 2009 Yes I am bothered by his behaviour, maybe i have been scared to admit it to myself (and to him) but I do still want more. I just would feel silly going back to him now and saying you know everything i told you the other day about not wanting a relationship with you at the moment and not having expectations of you well its not true, I have changed my mind and I want all these things. How can I do that? I dont want to come over all heavy and needy / clingy either. Link to comment
Clarity Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 Yes I am bothered by his behaviour, maybe i have been scared to admit it to myself (and to him) but I do still want more. I just would feel silly going back to him now and saying you know everything i told you the other day about not wanting a relationship with you at the moment and not having expectations of you well its not true, I have changed my mind and I want all these things. How can I do that? I dont want to come over all heavy and needy / clingy either. You can say those things, in a calm, cool, collected manner. However, only if you are equally open to BOTH of the options. One is that he wants more as well (unlikely) and the other is that you two drift apart, at least for the moment. If you're confident enough in yourself that you'll be fine if he respects your wishes and you two go back into NC, then there's *nothing* needy about telling someone that you think you're looking for different things. Needy is if you tell him this, and he doesn't want more, and then you still pine for him. You need to be able to follow through. If you can't, then you're not really in a position to express discontent about the current situation, since it's where you're choosing to be. Link to comment
Betty79 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Share Posted December 23, 2009 Thanks Clarity, I think I can follow through and go back into NC if I tell him this and he leaves me alone. I just feel silly about saying it after only a week ago i told him completely the opposite...what do you think? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 You are getting communication, but its not the kind you want. Don't settle. Don't respond to jokes. Only respond to real communication - phone calls, when he texts you and wants to ask you out or asks how you are doing and wants to catch up. I would open my horizons and meet other people as he said he doesn't want a relationship with you now. you deserve to meet someone who will be blown away by you. Link to comment
Clarity Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 Thanks Clarity, I think I can follow through and go back into NC if I tell him this and he leaves me alone. I just feel silly about saying it after only a week ago i told him completely the opposite...what do you think? Again, there's nothing wrong with the truth - you tried it out and realized that it's not for you. You can say sorry for changing my mind, but I have to look out for me. If anything he will respect you for looking out for yourself and putting your own interests above his, which you *should* be doing until he expresses an interest in making you happy (i.e. a relationship). Link to comment
taintedlove Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 I think NC is the best suggestion here.... Also, he may just be mass text messaging these jokes out to people in his address book. Are you sure they are only directed towards you? Link to comment
Betty79 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Share Posted December 23, 2009 Hi TL, A lot of the time he emails them to me in work (we used to chat quite a bit this way during the day) and they are only sent to me. I think NC is the way to go too. I will try to ignore all jokes and things that dont require a response and then if he does come up with something more I will be honest and say that it isnt working for me keeping in touch as we are. Link to comment
Betty79 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Share Posted December 23, 2009 I just dont want to start the new year with this dragging on the way it has been. Its so hurtful to be ignored and treated this way. I mean he doesn't even treat me as a friend. Link to comment
fawndango Posted December 24, 2009 Share Posted December 24, 2009 You are getting communication, but its not the kind you want. Don't settle. Don't respond to jokes. Only respond to real communication - phone calls, when he texts you and wants to ask you out or asks how you are doing and wants to catch up. I would open my horizons and meet other people as he said he doesn't want a relationship with you now. you deserve to meet someone who will be blown away by you. I agree with this advice. You are still hopeful so any kind of contact you read into. He's not very nice by knowing that he has you hanging by a string, and i am willing to bet he knows intuitively that you want more. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.