Ridiculous loss!

[halfbreed]

RIDICULOUS LOSS!

I found out in the last year that my husband has been more than fed up with our relationship. I have struggled with serious illness for most of my life and Im now in my 30s with my husband just entering his 40s. He knew about my medical past when we dated almost 2 decades ago. In the last 5 years, I had to deal with liver cancer which involved only surgery. The removal of half my liver left me to go through a hell of a recovery that took several years.

I have been doctoral student and tried to finish it after I started recovery but my whole perspective on life was different. I had colon cancer and other issues starting as a teen and I had to try an address the purpose of so much sickness.

Deep down, I was not happy with school but didn't address it until this year when I have been at my best medically. My husband and I have been together for 16 years. He is lost trying to find himself and I have been blamed for not letting him pursue what he wanted because he got whatever job for medical insurance. He forgot about his graduate degree he earned, the success of our marriage, and just the simple fact that were still together.

The problem of it all is that he stated that I should have recovered more quickly and that he wanted me to work, so I postponed finishing my degree to get work so he had time to find what he wanted to do. He told me this would be great. I made the decision and told my family, but he wasn't satisfied. He said that I wasn't going to make it happen and that he just needs to get work - not have an opportunity to find himself.

It boiled down to me not doing anything good enough. I think if he acknowledged it all, he would have to admit certain things about himself. We live in this home that technically is under my parents' name. He has been up and down with his emotions for me but it has progressively gotten worse. We was away for a year for work and said immediately after he left that he wanted to leave me. Then he came home on a break and he was happy. He left for a month stay overseas and he came back ok. He went for 2 wks and just believe leaving, he was telling me how much he loved me, we were still trying to get pregnant, and I was doing what I needed to do to get a job so he could do what he wanted. Now - all of a sudden he doesn't want to be together. We talked about it and he was not really addressing things with maturity because he is upset. He moved into the guest bedroom and has done nothing to find a job. I don't see him moving on with life. So, he still living here with me, but he doesn't want to be with me. If I cooked food he ate it and he offered me food. Yet we don't talk at all.

I had a plan for us and he didn't think it was going to happen. I am not a super neat freak but I keep things clean as best as I can. So when we talked about us, he said he wanted to be on his own working and so he can clean his home the way he wants to. Its the most ridiculous justification. I am hurting and crying more than I want to admit yet angry at the same time for him giving up on me because of stuff I couldn't control. Up until last January February and March, I have been dealing with blood transfusions and related things. Its hard to study and do all you need as a wife when you are not 100% healthy.

I have no idea what to do. I had a plan to share with him, but he won't initiated a conversation on it even after I asked when we were going to talk about it. He says I am a manipulator because of how I portrayed myself especially as a patient.

I would do anything to recover the marriage. My dad keeps saying, "He hasn't moved out yet." and to Dad that says something. I have no idea.

What should I think? What should I do?

[WomanWriter]

This sounds familiar. Here are my impressions:

 

This man is passive-aggressive (I've learned a lot about this because my ex fiance is too). He is essentially blaming you because he is unhappy with his life. He is taking out his lack of initiative and open communication out on your illness, your job, etc. because he doesn't want to look at his own job issues.

 

He is obviously unhappy with you but instead of saying what he wants, he goes back and forth because he doesn't want to make a decision. In fact, he doesn't want to be responsible for making that decision. I think he enjoys being the martyr and hiding behind you because that is safe for him.

 

It sickens me, but I think you should tell him to get out. It's YOUR parents' house and this man is just using you for a place to live. He doesn't want to be with you but he's using you.

 

Leave his sorry, wimpy, passive-aggressive butt. I know that sounds mean, but when I see how your situation is compared to mine, it makes me know that it will be the right decision for you to leave him. My ex misled and used me and this man is doing it to you.

 

Sure, I can understand he's upset about your illness, but he acts like you owe him or something. Either he could handle it or not, but don't make you pay by playing games.

 

He's actually the manipulator. Tell him BYE BYE.

[DN]

What is the plan that you have?

[annie24]

have you two talked about going into therapy together?

[mad rabbits]

He sounds extremely selfish. I've had men blame me for being sick and not taking care of their needs as a result, well what about my needs? And what about your needs?

 

Nobody needs that garbage, move on with your life, find someone who is supportive and not undermining you...or even being alone, I think you will be less lonely than with someone who blames you for something that you have no control over, when they should be helping and caring for you.

[halfbreed]

Thank you to you all b/c I'm completely lost. I've faced death @ least 3 times since my sophomore year in high school. He was a great partner. My medical case is so odd that the syndrome I have is found in 1 of every 20,000 people. The cancers I've had then put me in the 2% of that group, but the type of cancer then made me unheard of. Everything was found so early that I only needed surgery but that has been 7 surgeries. The human body recovers when it wants to and only this year was I told it was ok to get Pregnant & we looked forward to it.

He was worked in IRaq for a year. The agreement was I'd finish a portion of my school work by the time he returned. In the midst of that year I had a kidney infection - big one. I was in the hospital for a couple weeks. I then had blood and iron infusions and go to school to all of a sudden take a class when I was supposedly done with classwork. He was great when he came home. Now he talks about it accusing me of not recovering quick enough and making the situation a big deal. This is typical of people who have never suffered from chronic illness. If you saw me you would have no idea I have this history. I am also strong as hell like my mom so that makes it even worse.

We've had an intense relationship since we met. Even in Iraq, we spoke everyday. We could have eaten each other for dinner when he returned and we wouldn't be satisfied. He left for a trip to think things thru 2 wks ago. I was crying at the airport and he said not to worry and he was all over me discussing everything saying we were good. Then I was dirt.

I've private pilot since I was 14. I worked for NASA in Australia. My heart is focused on refugee children. I have done and faced more than anyone I know. He loved that in me and he loved it for 16 years.

I am much healthier now and I even figured a way to postpone finishing school so I could get a job working on international social issues in a larger city so he could do whatever he wanted to make himself happy as an individual. This is what he was wanting but He rejected it. We live in a redneck town with no options for people like him and I. We discussed this a lot because we hated it here. But now he wants to stay in this small town and just get a job. I accommodated to his every need and it all ends up never being sufficient.

I am not junk. I know my value. He did to and he will not find a woman like me who is offering all of this. But I am too late or it won't ever come to fruition, according to him.

Its completely out of whack. Its not normal. It has gone against his character. To top it all off, he says its over but he is not moving out. He said he wanted to live alone so he can clean his place the way he wants to. C'mon! That is a reason? and he still doesn't move out.

16 years of investment and this is it? This how I get dumped? Because I didn't recover from cancer quick enough so I didn't finish school in time when he returned home?

When he leaves, I want him to feel it. I want him to see how ridiculous he was when he threw away a life we spent so much time building and just when the good part was starting. Our dog for the last 10 years won't be around him anymore.

All of his responses don't seem human. He won't find another one like me. I was the chick who walked into the room and you had to take me on with effort because I didn't waste my time. I want him to be reminded that he had that chick and threw her and all she brought into his life, away. I mean 4 days ago it looked like we were going to make it and then all of a sudden no. Because of my medical history and my age, I won't be getting pregnant and I don't plan on rushing into another relationship to replace this one. He ends up alone without the one person who has been there for him no matter what. He got me an anniversary band when I survived cancer and we celebrated our 1oth anniversary. We had no money to afford a diamond ring that was substantial. I got the one of my dreams and that he loved on me, but I gave it back. I can't keep it even if I took the stones out and used them elsewhere.

Sorry to write so much. I am upset and sad at the same time. I don't mean to sound like I am bragging either. I read the posts on here by women who I totally related to. We are the * * * * and these guys were kind of smart in the beginning because they saw us and tried to take us on. Then they just turned dumb dumping us.

 

Thank you again. We should not be treated this way. We deserve respect and love.

[halfbreed]

have you two talked about going into therapy together?

I would offer it but I didn't even have that chance. He wouldn't probably go along with it because he would then have to face his faults and not just mine.