i have a emotionally distant girlfriend

[markie b]

ok first post lol go gentle guys and gals.

well i met this girl like 4 months ago at a seminar type thing and as soon as we saw each other we clicked,were both pretty shy so we went through a friend who i was marshalling with on the gates she dropped hints about me to her i dropped hints to her about her friend lol and all the time we were eyeing each other up.

after a week of being on msn and chatting we met up and we went to the beach and lay there for what we both wanted to be forever just talking about everything and when we went home we actually said those magic words I LOVE YOU!

yes way to soon but we did and i really hope still do anyways she was applying for a job at the time and she got it a week later and through the months training everything went great and then she went into the job and things changed she is working late in the day doing 10 hour shifts but usually has to finish off for 30-45mins late and its a good 45 min drive to work and back and she gets back late around 11:50-12 o'clock at night,she has been putting in alot of effort at work but completely backed off from the relationship,she didnt have time to want to go anywhere or do anything except food shopping,she has become emotionally cold towards me and doesnt want to open up and speak freely about her feelings and phisically doesnt want to hold hands or kiss or even cuddle and then out of the blue she asks for space,ok now me being new to space i was like wohhhhh what has happened? whats wrong? what have i done wrong for you not to want to be with me?she said that she just wants space i need to find things to do other then just be there and available for her and i should find hobbies to do and not care so much about her.

 

this for me is hard ive never really been the type of guy to soberly make friends or be sociable im the type of guy that keeps himself to himself and would make a perfect spy lol because i can float through a room effortlessly without being noticed and i like it.

anyways so i didnt txt her much for a week because well i only got i need space and didnt know where space began or ended so i sent her like 3 txts in a week and got the odd reply here or there like 15 hours later.then when i saw her on the weekend i asked her how she was and she said im fine and i said look i dont know what space means im sorry for going off on one but to me it just seemed like i need space is a nice girls cop out of saying its over!she said no its not i just need space and i said well whats space and she said time for her which i was fine with and i asked if its ok to still txt her or call and she said yes just not all the time we used to txt like 2--5 times a day and speak on the phone,i asked her how she was feeling and she said fine again.

i then txt her a few times during the week and only got a couple short replies back,so this all the time is driving me nuts making me wonder what it is ive done wrong or are we still together because she doesnt want to be emotional or share her feelings with me she wont be physical with me and i explained this the last weekend to her and she said she didnt know i felt that way and that its unfair on me and that im being to nice to her and that im "a nice guy" so i said yeah i am but i dont know what you want anymore!when we met you said you wanted a intense relationship with me you wanted to be emotionally attached and you loved to give as much affection as you received and she did to begin with she was and is the same as what i am like except i can handle a full on relationship and seems she has backed off somewhat and has no energy what so ever when i see her and she wont hold hands or say how she feels.

 

i asked her before i left how she felt and she said fine so i asked her did she feel empty and she said yes i feel drained of life i dont have much to offer,to which i said you have a great deal to offer,i said do you feel alone and she said yes i asked her how long she has felt this way and its been since she went full time after her work training,so i said to her ok right well you still want space so i can do that but i cant txt you and then hang onto my phone waiting for a reply for 15 hours so im stepping right back and you can call the shots il give you distance and let you txt me or call me when you want to,she said ok,so we went outside and i told her to look up before i left and told her that she is always going to have a place in my heart no matter what happens and that the stars above wernt half as beautiful and amazing as she is to me kissed and then left,she txt me the next day and i txt back and its been like that for a couple days.

she also has issues with her overies and hasnt had a period in like 22 months she said and she has just started her first one in 22 months like the same time as the training ended and she began her actual proper job.(dont know if this helps)?

 

lol my heads really messed up ive told her i will always love her and that i was sorry for being selfish and acted badly to when she said she wanted space (male panic button) and that i will always be here if she ever needs me, she is also acting really dodgy around her phone she wont ever read her txts infront of me she takes her phone into another room or leaves it until im not about or takes it to the bathroom,i dont mind that she has txts from friends but she isnt secretive about those txts!im wondering if she is playing me as her back up and feeling guilty or is actually just feeling really low in herself?she is very anxious about her body aswell she did begin letting me see her nekid but now she is hiding away behind a towel or turning the lights out or undressing under the duvet!but she has a gorgeous figure its just she has never thought that.

 

sorry its so long a post and thanks for any replies.im usually great at relationship advice but when it comes to my own im rubbish lol .

[Dinka]

Whew...long post!

 

She sounds stressed out. That, and it sounds like she's got a lot going on that she isn't sharing with you. The hiding away with the texts is concerning...but I'm not going to dwell on that right now.

 

You said you met her 4 months ago. That's not very long at all, so I can't imagine that this has been going on TOO long. This is the part of the relationship that is supposed to be FUN. And it's not being that.

 

There is a difference between being stressed out because of circumstances outside of her control and needing personal time...and pushing you away. It sounds like she's pushing you away. I'm not telling you to give her an ultimatum, because that will stress her out even more. But you're a person too and you deserve to know if the relationship is worth pursuing.

 

Ask her to schedule in some time with you to discuss this - and I mean really discuss: sit down at a coffee shop and discuss. If she doesn't have the time to factor in a relationship into her schedule, then you both need to decide whether or not a relationship is in your future at all.

[nondescriptuse]

dude, read the post in full. I thought Jane Austen was king of stream of consciousness...

 

Anyway, I can relate. Been in a relationship for about a year -- 14 mo. to be exact -- and my girlfriend is also pretty distant. Always has been and probably will be. And like you two, we're both pretty shy too. I text her every couple of days and call her once a week. It's a long term relationship, and we see each other about once a month.

 

Follow Dinka's advice! Sit down and have a talk. Yeah, I don't like having to sit down with my girlfriend and ask stuff like "Look, what am I doing here?" but she respects me ten times more when I do. It can be pretty hard to work long hours and want to talk about relationship stuff. I know from working 60 hour weeks in which I commuted for another 15. Push to have a conversation, but don't push to have it immediately. Because it's important, but not urgent.

 

If she's not willing to sit down and have a planned discussion, I'd say forget it for now. You can only show the horse the water.

 

I think one of the best things for you to do is to restore her confidence. Not in an artificial way, but in a deep genuine way. Tell her she's worth it. And that if she feels beaten down from work, that you can lift her up. The weekends I visited my girlfriend when I was working crazy hours restored my sanity.

 

If you're trying to figure out her text messaging behavior -- or any other behavior that strikes you as unusual -- ask her about it. Understand before being understood, my friend. It will get you far.

[markie b]

the txt messaging i think is not alot to worry about,she used to have my photo on her phone but has now swapped it for another picture of a sunset and well the secretiveness is probably because she has lost trust or wants to seem a little mysterious. (ive not done anything for her to loose trust in us).

i know her friends keep telling her to not be so open to the people she goes with and to hold things back and take time for it to work but thats because her ex's treated her badly (usually walked all over her).

well il keep posted all il can about whats happening thanks for the replies guys and gals they have both been useful to me,i cant ask her about where were going because im not sure she knows herself at the moment and for me to just keep asking her really serious stuff i think will just make her not want to see me more.

[Dinka]

...and for me to just keep asking her really serious stuff i think will just make her not want to see me more.

 

Then there's no point in pursuing a serious relationship with this girl if the two of you can't have a warranted, serious conversation.

[markie b]

yeah i do try and have serious conversations with her its just the last 3 times ive gone over and seen her ive been pouring my heart and worries out to her about the relationship.

 

and well after speaking to her step mum her step mum said nearly all her ex's have been emotionally cold and selfish and im the nicest guy she has ever met and been with and both her and her dad are really happy that she has met someone as nice as me.she then said she shouldnt suggest this but to be cold and offhand a little because this is what she is use to and by doing this it will take the fear away of someone actually accepting her and actually wanting to be with her for her. because we are so right for each other its pushed her feelings to serious emotions that she hasnt really felt before and that being with a genuine nice guy has probably scared her somewhat.

 

ive never played hard to get before or been cold or offhand to anyone (i dont think) but anyways i stopped calling her and txting her and its taken like 2.5 days but she called me today and eventually said she had tomorrow off but she isnt doing anything!with ever fiber of my being i want to go and spend time with her because well i love her but im also contemplating not going over!when she said she had a spare day and she supposed i could go over to see her i said hmmm well can i get back to you on that and she was like uhhhh yeeeaaaaahhhh ok.now im not sure weather to be really bad and not go or just call her in the morning and ask if its still cool to go and see her lol it seems not contacting her is kind of working but really really hard to do

[markie b]

ok so i went up and saw her she smiled when she saw me stood there at the door and let me in and then made a coffee and she gave me a hug.

she then began cleaning the house and 2.5 hours later decided to sit down so i went and sat down with her and then said right im gunna get something to eat,she said your stuffs in the freezer still so i began to cook and she came into the kitchen i started asking her how she felt about things and asked her why she was being cold.

she said we had moved to fast and that i was too caring and nice and she is * * * * and a bad girlfriend and she doesnt deserve me,so i went through everything about how i fee about her and trying to find out a actual reason why she is being the way she is being in the end after she had fiddled with a platic bag tie for about 1.5 hours she said she has closed her self off from me because of her ex's have treated her badly when she has opened up to them in the past and used everything against her so looked at her in her eyes and asked her if she wanted a ciggy she said no so i made one and went and stood outside for one then as she followed me out i said baby im not your ex's ive had people telling me to be cold nasty and evil towards you and that would make you want me,but thats not me i can only be me and thats all i can be if you cant take someone who is loving caring devoted attentive and effectionate then you arnt going to want to be with me but if you do then that would be great because well im your guy (as the tears well up in my eyes i begin looking away) and said look babe theres nothing i can do to change this situation i love you i really do but i cant be a part time lover thats not me your going to have to make up your mind and come to a decision about what it is you want and when you do let me know!we went back inside we sat down for abit and then she said she had to go food shopping i said do you want me to come with you she said i dont mind its upto you so i went and got in my car and then she came stood by the window i wound it down gave her a kiss she said thanks for coming over today i said take care beautiful and let me know what you decide yeah and she said yeah!then i sped off down the road and here i am now lol i so should of played hard to get and not gone up today lol

[Ms Darcy]

Bud, I don't think you have a gf at all. I think you have someone who feels like you two rushed, that you smother her, and does not feel attracted to you. She may or may not be seeing other guys. I think you should hold your head high knowing you have done all you can do and walk away.

 

But I hope you learn a lesson - that relationships are not all about giving everything to each other. You do want to build a solid caring relationship, but it doesn't need to be intense and it doesn't need to happen quickly. Best.

[Ms Darcy]

By the way, please use periods.

[nina2009]

I've read all your posts and probably I do have some experience with that sort of situation. However, before I start sharing anything, I have two questions for you:

 

1) What kind of advice you are looking for? What do you want to fix or change?

 

2) Let's say she is stable and consistently makes time to be with you: going places, doing small things at home. Like, let's say once or twice a week. However imagine this: during these times together, she is not focusing on you, she is constantly doing something else (cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc), or if you are going places she is mostly reserved and does not talk.. Basically she is not emotionally open at all. She stops being vulnerable, affectionate, truly excited, sad, even angry - she is stable, consistent, she says "i love you" every time she meets you in a flat voice. Wouldn't that drive you up the wall? Or would you be ok with this knowing that at least it is stable?

[markie b]

ok well i want to make her feel better and be able to show me affection again and help her solve any issues she has one being trust because of ex's.she use to trust me and then all of a sudden went cold and emotionless with me.

 

i can handle her being the way she is being until she comes around and have told her il be here for her when ever she is ready to and that im not going to force her to do anything she doesnt want to or feel comfortable with.

im being as patient as possible because from seeing her everyday to once or twice a week and getting nothing back is real hard to deal with and tearing me up inside but il cope and hope things will become good again.