4.5 years and an engagement gone for a guy we work with

[hattriq]

I met my ex where we work and was instantly in love or as much as you can be after just meeting someone. We started dating and things moved alone well. She is very needy of male attention and I never dealt well with that. We worked in a restaurant and she would flirt profusely with just about any guy she could. After a while I started to deal with it better but there were times that she took things too far and it usually wasn't customers at our work. We got engaged on our 4 yr anniversary and were to be married on our 5th. She was the one who pushed for it although I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her. The place was reserved, dresses bought, caterer planned, everything was about done and she started to move away. I didn't know it at the time but she was switching days at work to work when this guy did and I thought he was our friend. He lives a ways away from our work so he would stay at our house on weekends and we would all hang out. I also didn't know at the time that they were talking on the phone a lot and she was falling for him I guess. I thought the problem was something else because I'm not a partier and she acted like she wanted to be so that caused problems. One night we all went bowling and she was all over him and his friend right in front of my face. She had been drinking and it reinforced all the reason why I didn't like that lifestyle. Apparently that wasn't the first time she had been all over him while they were out but it was the first time I had seen it with my own eyes. One week later she broke up with me and gave basically no explanation. She just said we grew apart which I now know means she wanted to be with him. He works with us so now I not only have to see her five days a week but him 3. Pretty much everyone sees what happened but she tries to act like she wasn't ready for marriage and it was just an unfortunate thing. I know she is lying because the next night after she broke up with me she stayed out all night with him at her friends house and then after three they kissed. I say that because she told me that nothing happened before but I don't know what to believe. I want to talk to him and see his views because I was thinking that if we did that, it might ease some tensions around work. She talks to me but never about what I really want to know and that sucks. Am I wrong to want to clear up the story that she tells about how she is hurt and it was unfortunate by telling people who ask that it is because of him? I just don't like her acting like the victim. Is talking to him a terrible idea because even as I say it it does but I really want to know. I did learn a lesson and that was no matter how much you care and work to make it work, you can't do it alone and I will see that next time. Thanks for any advice

[gizza]

hi

 

we have a similar problem , i thought that no-one was going through what i been trying to deal with . Its not exacaly the same as in my case its a secret at work but the fact that i have to see her & this new guy its doing my head in . Its unbelieveable is'nt it haveing to see a loved one leaves very room to do the move 0n thing that we all have done after a relatutionship split .its like seeing the face of rejection every day which is so stressful, i think about leaving my job , but i dont see why i should , i mean i've not been unfaithful with someone else at work ! i feel for man i really do . my case was 6 years & although it sounds odd keeping it quiet that long it just snowballed & i thought we areed why we keep it like , it suited us both i had a single guy life without the responsibilties & she was married , but separated with kids , which meant she had support & love from me without any major life upheavle.... it worked !

 

but this new sales guy has worked his magic & hes married with kids as well , so i guess they chat about that & he flatters her work & apperance , which i can understands she likes, i do the same but its just someone new & different .

 

love to chat on this subject with you please post a reply & see if we can help each other through !

[ConfusedBloke]

well guys im in kind of the same situation, 3 year relationship, gone due to her wanting be be with another guy at our workplace (my boss and friend). Sounds like she has the same personality as your ex, very flirty especially with him.

 

She said we broke up as she'd lost the feeling, but i know (from reading some text messages) that it was so they could get together. So yeah you have to see the rejection everyday at work, which makes it so hard to move on, i too have thought about leaving, but i just think, why should i?, if anyone should, then shouldn't she?, but i really dont know what to do

[hattriq]

thanks guys, it really does help to know that you aren't the only one going through this. The night before last I asked the other guy if he would have dinner with me and he made up an excuse so I thought he wasn't being much of a man. After work I went to our old house to get some things and they both came home. She told me that he wouldn't be staying there but that doesn't really matter. He asked if I still wanted to talk and we did for about an hour. I don't know if it actually helped but we were civil and I was able to say things that I had wanted to say.

Now more than ever I see that I don't want to be with her because she doesn't want to be with me and she hadn't for some time. It's easy to see now but at the time I obviously didn't see it.

Right now I'm just sad at what I thought we had since you can't miss something that wasn't there. I'm doing the no contact thing as much as possible since we do work together and I have to go to that house to get my stuff. You see I'm living out of my car and as I need things I have to pick them up but other than the other night I've been able to do those things when she isn't there. I have to go to school but I appreciate the posts and keep them coming.

[gizza]

man thats rough having to live out of the car !

 

update on my thing - yesterday they were both in and i lost it a bit with her, ended up her saying this is the last conversation we ever have on this subject !

 

Today he was'nt in and altough we chatted a bit more civilised it was always under the surface , she seems to be in denile about the whole thing & says it would be good to be friends but if i cant handle that i should leave ! she might be right but , although i wont leave until i'm ready or at least have another job .

 

What she seems blind too is why i react so badly to this guy, its as if he cant do no wrong and i brought all this on myself for no reason , she does doesnt get it !

 

how about you guys , whats the lastest with you ?

[caveat]

Well, I can't say I'm in the same situation (but it may very well be very similar, just not right under my nose), but I can say that any woman who has a cold enough heart to do the type of stuff you are describing is NOT the type of person you want to tie yourself to for the rest of your life.

 

My advice to you: RUN, DO NOT WALK away from this woman.

 

It sounds like you may be being to nice/civil/understanding about this whole thing. A healthy dose of righteous indignation is more than warranted here; don't feel afraid to take and use the moral high ground to ensure that the record is set. Just do it in such a way that when you look back 20 years from now you will be proud with the manner in which you conducted yourself, i.e. you didn't allow yourself to be walked all over or go berzerk and beat that guy senseless for walking into your home with your ex on his arm while the wound was still pumping blood.

 

You are very young and have PLENTY of time to find the right gal...and believe me there are TONS of them out there who wouldn't pull this type of stunt.

 

Hang tough and don't let someone else's weakness and shortcomings drag you down. Whether you know it or not, you just dodged a bullet my friend. Go out and celebrate.

[hattriq]

thank you for saying that. I am trying to be as civil as possible because I don't want to upset anything any more than is absolutely necessary. I see that she didn't care and that hurts more than anything but I am finding all kinds of people coming to me and telling me that I'm better off and that she was never good enough for me. These are people that aren't my family and I really only considered them aquaintances before. That makes it feel that much better though.

[ConfusedBloke]

As our ex partners and their new partners work with us, have either of you guys thought about taking any action, like reporting them?. I know a lot of work places don't allow this type of thing. I hadn't even thought about that before, but now i've reached the angry stage...especailly as with me its my boss that's involved, what do you think?

[gizza]

bring it all out ...yeah i've thought about , in fact i dont know if i'll be keep it to myself forever, but it having said that in my situation it would create havoc , at least the three people involed would be fired and friends i have there would be gone , It would be the last resort .

 

we are all in different places of work with different attitudes about this kinda stuff , so i cant say for sure how yours would go , but for me its pointless.

 

what i do know is that finding you guys has been good , dont get me wrong bad for you but i thought , god i must be only guy in the world that has to an ex and new guy at work to deal with in secret , its real tough

 

keep me posted

[ConfusedBloke]

Well if either of you guys want to talk about this type of situation, send me a message and i'll give you my AIM screenname.

 

Btw, how long has it been for both of you since the break-up, Im around the 5 week point now I guess, and just when I thought i was getting better, it feels like its getting worse - maybe cos i just found out they booked a holiday to europe for the summer, and they're going to visit both of their parents, that hurts...

[hattriq]

Yesterday was two weeks for me and I thought I was making good progress. Then we started arguing at work and things got a little ugly. Nothing physical obviously but I told her that she was being mean for no other reason than to be mean and she just said that she could do whatever she wanted. So after work I knew she was mad so I went to the house to get my computer because it's the only thing that I think she would do anything to... because she knows how much that would bother me. So anyway, I was unplugging stuff and I went in the bedroom and his stuff was in there and I was really upset but went about my business. My sister had wrote her a very nice not a while back and it was on the mirror over the dresser so my sister took it back. I know that she really treasured that note and what it said but I couldn't stop my sister from taking it because that is how she felt. So today at work she was really mad about that. She also called me right as I got to work and asked why I was driving by the house. I hadn't been and told her that but I'm not sure she believed me. I did find it amusing that she was being so paranoid though. I figured that they may have finally done something and she was a bit uncomfortable with it... obviously that's just a guess but it's only a matter of time the way I see it. Here's a question for all. Why do I care so much about what they've done and when they do it and where and every other question possible? I know it can't be helping me and it's the reason why I can't sleep right now. I don't understand why she is proud of hurting me so badly, and why does she hate me when I try as hard as I can to not do the wrong thing. My sister said something tonight that didn't sit right with me. She said that as I heal, and don't act like I can't live without her, it makes her mad because she wants me to want her. What I don't get is that if that is true (and I don't think it is) why would she treat me so poorly that I can't stand to be around her or talk to her at all? Push me away but want me to want her. I think she wants him and can't really wait to get me out of her life. If what she wants is for me to want her, she has that but it is fading fast with every bad thing that she does to me. Explain this to me please, a females perspective would probably help me... if even a little. Sorry so long

[gizza]

hi guys, the female perspective? god only knows!!

its the same problem why we started posting , its the fact that ever little scene is played out at work , its easy so say nothing will effect me today but you see her .......and him it just all comes out right !

 

its been about a month and i too have got worse about the whole thing , i think initally i thought we could sort it out and find a way though , but as time passes it becomes more clear we wont & thats where the anger comes from , she said to me the other day it must be getting easier , i didnt want to sound like a drama queen , but had too say NO WAY !

 

its the fact that in most relationships after the break-up theres some space , bad as it , theres space distance and time to recover . Unless you seek out the ex you just dont see them , or if you do it might be a social occasion now & again, but in our case its every ******* day . They think its fine and have moved on and we are left with all these unresolved issues that there not willing to acknowledge , plus the added factor of the smirking new guy on the block. I have no advise anymore guys , but i wanna keep talking , we must be tough emotionally at some level to be handling this at all , even if not too well at times , we're still here right , still hanging in there & still hopeful to come through all this the other side !

 

keep me posted

[vertigo]

hi

i'm in the same position. together for 1.5 years. work together. did everything together, breakfast, lunch, coffee breaks. she spent the whole relationship begging me to move in and marry her. i refused. in the end we split, mutually (i thought). She made me swear not to see anyone at work. Then 3 weeks after the split she's seeing a guy in my office.

I see them around sometimes. It was a sunny day yesterday so i went and sat out in the park and they were there, just as we used to be, lying together, looking really into each other. i said hi, walked past and ignored them.

It's so hard to move on, somedays i'm fine others i want to kill them both! I have to see him all day every day. Me and her had some contact but it got quite bitter and now she seems to not care what i see or what anyone else at work knows about the whole thing.

She sometimes mails and it inevitably turns into a row and she always says "i thought you'd be cool with this by now..." which makes me even madder! It's so hard. Everyday i wake up dreading work, every day i go home angry and confused.

It makes it so hard to get over.

It's good to know that others are in the same boat tho.

[redsuede]

Well, Let me tell you all (as I tell myself the same thing, because my ex is in love with someone that is at work and to top it off the other person just got married and is mormon. BUT.. back to you guys... First of all, its all in what you allow yourself to think. Does this person make you feel good about yourself? If not, Then you should walk away, you should put yourself your first priority, PERIOD. These women are all messed up that you talk about and deserve ZERO respect, sorry, I just think when you mess up other peoples lives because you dont know what you really want, that is not respectable to me. I am making myself go on with my life and realize that I am not worth how this person makes me feel. There are certain things in life for you to look at.. There is such thing as fate, BUT the only thing that makes a happily ever after is being with someone who shows you that they love you back as much.. These people you are talking about are only insecure people with no direction in their lives.. Seeing healthiness is being healthy and cut these people out of your life.

[amaranth_04]

Hi Hattriq

 

I don't understand why she is proud of hurting me so badly, and why does she hate me when I try as hard as I can to not do the wrong thing. My sister said something tonight that didn't sit right with me. She said that as I heal, and don't act like I can't live without her, it makes her mad because she wants me to want her. What I don't get is that if that is true (and I don't think it is) why would she treat me so poorly that I can't stand to be around her or talk to her at all? Push me away but want me to want her.

 

She is feeding her ego. That's why she would want you to want her. She's probably wondering how after 4.5 years you seem to be able to move on quite coolly. Nevermind that she has thrown away the 4.5 yrs herself so easily of course. She can't believe how you can get over her, did she not matter at all to you etc, that's one way she could be thinking. Not out of concern for you or really wanting you, but to feed her own insecurities. She's just angry that you seem to be taking this well.

 

She's trying to get a reaction out of you, anything, be it anger or despair, a reaction to show that you still feel for her; any reaction is always better than indifference. That's why she keeps rubbing it in your face. She perhaps wants everyone else to see she's got a great situation going, as you've said people see through what's happened yet she's trying to play the victim.

 

She could be having second thoughts about her current situation with the other guy, esp when you have behaved most decently and there seem to be more people on your side than hers.

 

I think you have held up pretty well. In this situation, no-contact would work. It is rather hard having to see her everyday, and parading her guy the way she has is in bad taste. There are a lot more she has done which is in bad taste, I'm sure you can see.

 

If you really cared about the person, even if you were no longer in love with them, you wouldn't leave them to live out of a car. But of course, you wouldn't mess with their feelings by throwing yourself at other guys in the first place.

 

So take comfort in the fact that you need not wonder about her thoughts and actions any more. You should work on getting yourself feeling better. It's good that you can be civil about this but you do not need to go out of your way to be nice. That will be wasted on them. Focus on yourself and be with people who honestly care about your well-being.

 

Hope my perspective helps.

[tylercdurden2004]

Its funny something like 40-60% of realtionships start in the work place (so I read) but I have to say its gotta be a carefully treaded razorblade. I have had my experiences dating girls at work although the relationships were only a few months not years like you guys. All the same its painful even more if you had marriage and years together. THing is and I agree dont let the women know you want them. I just broke up with my girlfriend of one year. No problems throughout we were very open with each other and we could spend time alone doing nothing and love every minute. Distance and my desire to travel and got in the way and now she is unsure (maybe sure) of her feelings for another guy that lives in the the same town as her. I know what it feels like, but I am lucky to be half a world away now and with big travels plans in the coming week to take my mind of it. I dont know what your jobs are but a change maybe good before it gets worth, career permitting of course. I think time heals all as we have all heard this BS so many times but it is true. Remember the psycology of women. remember how it all started between you in the first place. You chased her (maybe thats what she loved more than you) she ran you chased etc. Then it became comfortable and she felt safe, then someone came along and she felt the excitment of the chase again. I dont know how old these women are, but if they are young or should I say inexperienced (ie dont take much from experiences they had) they really dont know what they want and work strictly on feelings. I dont know what you guys are like but you seem pretty normal. Women and I dont care what the feminists may say are socialized (maybe biological) differently from men. Read the books on relationships. Women use the right side feeling side of their brains more, men use the left side logical side more. Women feel something they like they may feel attached to it even though logically it may not be the best. If you want to get them back (after a lot of serious thought) be a mystery to them. Dont let them see you contact you know what you are doing. Trust me they will still be thinking of you in some manner, and if you are the one it will be a lot and it will drive them nuts. I just got an email from an Ex from 5 years ago she is married and asked me why I dont email her (even though I send mass emails so she knows how I am time to time. I think it was a twinge of doubt, I must say I am a good catch and all my exs know it which is nice but I have had a few exs phone me out of the blue (1 1/2 years no contact) with some excuse to talk to me and Ive had some appoologize for things going wrong. Take the high road forget about them and they will want you even more. No girl really deep down in her heart wants a complete dick even though they may seem attracted to it. FOrget 'em maybe move work and someone comes along, that is how I am going to look at my situation. It might be fun to let them know how good you are doing and how successful you are becoming etc. through mutual friends ex work mates. Let them enjoy the "self inflicted emotional trauma" for while.

[hattriq]

Everything that the two before this said does help and I am lucky to get this kind of advice. It is hard because I do have to see them five out of seven days but it almost makes the other two days that much better. My wanting to see her goes up and down but is still declining steadily. I just wish that I didn't have to see them (esp. her) so much because I never get anything that I want or need out of it. I would like to think she does care about the time we spent but she really acts like she would rather see the end of the world than me and that sucks. It hurts more than I can express. I don't want her back but I don't want to see, all the time, just how over me she is. Anyway, thanks for posting and I hope that I can help someone the way I've been helped.

[gizza]

going to see her today , plan is to play it very cool , i really dont want anymore conversations about it with her , but given the fact i will have to speak about something it might all come out again ! just be cool i say myself ....

 

this is a tough situation for us all , why does this seem to happen to men & not the other way around ?

[ConfusedBloke]

good point, maybe the male mind is constructed differently. I just could never see myself doing this to the woman i loved, or even if id just been with someone for a while and didnt even love them. I guess its loyalty or something. good luck with seeing her

[amaranth_04]

I just could never see myself doing this to the woman i loved, or even if id just been with someone for a while and didnt even love them. I guess its loyalty or something.

 

That's exactly it. I'm a girl but when you've cared for someone that way, I just can't fathom how you can treat them in such a way. Nevermind that you're no longer in love with them, but the life shared even for just a while should mean something. I suppose those who behave as though you never existed think what happened was their due and take it for granted. Dunno if like you say, it's loyalty, I guess some people are just made that way, and some others not.

[gizza]

just checked out some old postings

 

are you guys still around , has the situation improved at all ?

 

mine has a little , we are talking and not being quite so bitchy to each other , i've had to deal with not one new guy but it seems like these been others waiting in the wings , she doesnt really tell me , which is probably for the best , but it still hurts thinking of her going out with other guys when i know some must have been sniffing around before we split !

 

still let me know how yor going >

[ConfusedBloke]

Hey, well my situation has improved in that it feels a little better, but she's still with that guy, in fact they're heading out on vaction to europe together to visit her family. (that hurts a lot, as I know they must have booked that thing really soon after we were through). I'm just trying to get by, being civil to her at work and even spent last night trying to help her find her passport (god knows why i was helping, im a fool).

[Michael2]

These women, described in these posts sound as if they belong on the right side of lucifer.

[ConfusedBloke]

Michael2, that's probably a bit harsh, what they've done really is horrible, and that makes it worse, cos we know these women, and we know they can be sweet and nice, but i'm far from perfect myself (never cheated on her or anything, but probably didn't give her a lot of support and attention when she needed it most).