obsessive compulsive behavior

[Belle]

I'm wondering how many of us have experienced bizarre obsessive compulsive behavior that we are trying to hide from our exes. For example, we may institute no contact, but we may check our voice mail, email a lot in the hopes that the other party has contacted us. Or we obsess about the relationship to the extent that it takes over our lives.

 

I'm thinking this isn't the healthiest thing to move forward. I'm also wondering how it pops up in the love arena and maybe not so much in other areas such as work, free time, etc. And it seems to happen with the dumpers as much as the dumpees so there doesn't seem to be a common thread.

 

Any thoughts? Any one figured out a way to accept the uncertainty, remain positive and upbeat and move forward effectively?

 

Belle

[mtastic]

I'm guilty of OCD behavior. I'm entering day 7 of no contactact and I check my email about a thousand times a day. Also, I've kept her on my AIM buddylist (although I'm pretty sure she blocked me) and i check that just as often to see if she's on, although I have resolved not to talk to her. I agree 100% that this is unhealthy behavior for moving on, but I really don't know waht i can do about it.

I have a fairly obsessive/addictive personality outside of this, and the best way I've found to deal with it is to try busy myself with more "healthy" obsessions, and stay away from areas where OCD behavior could get me into trouble. i.e. I rarely drink and always stay away from drugs, and have channeled my ocd into being a veritable fountain of mindless music, movie, and TV trivia (in my humble opinion that is).

[DragonGirl724]

hahahahah. its so funny b/c i do just that. its ok. its natural never question what comes natural. its like questioning whether or not you have to pee. lol.

 

it gets easier belle. i dont check it much anymore. ive come to relize its gonna be a while til my ex grows the balls to contact me again via phonecall. lol its all good belle really. to refer to it as OCD...i wouldnt...its more like just missing someone you love.

 

i found my self driving past my previous EX's house to see if i might see him outside....even though he passed away. it may sound weird but it was a step in the process of recovering, i know its hard to understand.

 

take care of yourself.

 

 

-DG724

[ziggystar]

hey belle,

 

great obeservation/question.

 

well, obsession is normal to an extent, being that it is a thing we do as imperfect human. when it gets to a point where it affects us adversely, it becomes a problem. so what's normal? that's the tricky part. if you check your email or phone for the ex to call and you have been broken up a month, i would say that's normal. if you call, stalk and drive by your ex's everyday, that's not. those are extremes and there is a lot of gray area between. on extreme cases, no contact is a way to curb the reaction, but does little to stop the inclination. it's like an itch, the longer you can stop from scratching it, the less it will itch after a while.

 

it's kind of relative also. you may believe that checking your email and phone constantly is obsessive, but that's far better then calling and emailing them incessantly, which people do. as fas as, why it affects you love life more then work, it's pretty obvious. relationships are more in the domain of emotions, which for most of us incite emotional scars from childhood. we humans often develop externally faster then we develop internally and emotionally. for example, ever had a boss or teacher who lost it in a fit of anger. well he might have gotten so far in life as to be your boss or teacher, but when they blew their stack, it was a 5 year old kid that was screaming.

 

(this might sound like a school logic test) dumpers will be or has been a dumpee at some point and dumpees will be or has been a dumper at some point. what is the relation dumpees have with dumpers? the common thread is that we're all human beings and we have more in common then we don't.

 

the only way to accept uncertainty is to accept uncertainty, because uncertainty is something you can't change. so either you live with it or suffer. as far as remaining upbeat and positive, that's all in the mind. you can choose to look at only the negative and be negative or look at the positive and be positive. they both exist at the same time. it's what you choose to give attention to. effectively? only time and experience will help that. just like a job or school. if you want to go the psychological route in improving all the above (which should be a part of it anyway), then you have to look deeper into the root of how you developed as a child. for instance, my mom always made me feel that if i didn't give her attention enough she would wither and die. she would sit in the corner sulking until i gave her attention. guess what, when my girlfriend doesn't call me when she tells me she's going to call, i sit there and sulk, thinking she doesn't love me anymore. hmmm...sounds familiar. so i sit an obsess over the phone. and in a twist, we believe they are hurting us on purpose by not calling on purpose. it gets really convoluted and it hard to keep track of what's real and what's perceived. but if you want to change, you'll have to look deep. and it isn't easy.

[Belle]

Good stuff guys. I have actually had a lot of self control about it, but the thoughts are what gets in the way. Because I was the dumper, I had to make contact at some point because I knew he wouldn't call all that soon. Also, after an initial period of no contact, my ambivalent feelings became less ambivalent and I did want him back.

 

I guess what bothers me is that although I have managed to control my actions well, my thoughts have been harder to control. I still do sway back and forth on wanting the person back because it seems unduly painful waiting. I.e. is this person worth this much effort and pain? Yes, I realize I did the breaking up but do I want someone back that can't forgive me and realize I made a mistake and wants to make me suffer to a certain extent?

 

During the first 3 weeks I stayed away from home so I wouldn't wait by the phone. I knew he wouldn't call since I broke up. Now that contact has been reinstuted, I check my messages on occasion when I am out and I feel uncomfortable with that. It's been a month since break up and I feel I shouldn't be having these feelings.

 

I have been looking into the psychological Ziggy, thanks for mentioning that. I have a pretty good idea on what has caused my ambivalence and some obsessive traits. But letting go of things, accepting that I may not get what I want has been really really tough in this situation. Especially since it was within my control to keep it initially. I have dealt with uncertainty in other areas of my life and I have come out the better. I just got to the point where I realized that even if I couldn't be #1 at work all of the time, that I was still good and that if they decided to fire me because I wasn't #1 or didn't like me, so be it. Granted, this did take about a year for me to accomplish, but I thought that it would go hand in hand with what I'm going through now. It feels like I'm starting from ground zero. Damnit.

 

Belle

[ziggystar]

belle,

 

how long have you been broken up with your ex?

 

it may take some time to regain his trust. and it is on;y a matter of time, since as you can see most people on this forum is a dumpee, and all they want is to get back with their ex. although, i bet a sizeable chunk of the people on this forum really want their exes back for the wrong reason, meaning if their ex came back, they wouldn't want them any more. i'm not entirely knowledgeable of your situation, but be patient. take it slow.

 

thank you for showing what the "dumper" side feels like. i suspect my ex girlfriend feels is similar. i have forgiven her. i made that a point even knowing i might not get her back, but now there seems to be a chance, but we're going slow. i have not really been able to gauge if we are or are not getting back together yet, because of inconsistent behavior on her part (probably on my part too). but with your insight, it seems as though we gauging and waiting for each other to make the moves. so slowly and surely we must go.

 

good luck to you.

[Belle]

Hi Ziggy,

 

My ex and I've been broken up about 4-5 weeks. Yes, it does seem to be a slow and arduous process. I'm wondering yet again if it's worth it because there are still unresolved problems on his side and even though he's talked about it, I don't know if he's willing to work on himself. Since I'm working on myself, it's not that welcome to me. But we're not there yet. Just because we're in "talks" doesn't mean it has to work out. I'm finally able to let go on a fairly regular basis and am not feeling overly obsessive about anything other than getting my life back.

 

Found out that the woman who recommended my therapist stopped going to him because she thought he was a fraud and sicker than she was. He told both her and her husband they had OCD. He has been telling me that too. What are the odds? I know these people and neither of them have OCD. Why spend hundreds of dollars a session to see a guy who makes you feel like a basketcase with no way out when you're just a normal person grieving over the loss of love? Sheesh.

 

I hope your situation works out for the best. The more time that goes by, the emotions really wane and makes it easier to see what's really going on.

 

take care,

 

Belle

[ziggystar]

hey belle,

 

yes, it is a slow and arduous process. is it worth it? that you can only answer yourself. but food for thought. 4-5 weeks in the scheme of a life time isn't very long. we've went through schooling that too longer. i am going through the same process on my side and i find i start doubting when i'm focussed too close to the situation and look at the overall goal. it's difficult.

 

anyway, your therapist doesn't sound so great. i would suggest finding another one, it takes time to find a good therapist. it is just like a relationship. i know people with OCD and i do not think your actions are warranting of the tag OCD. if that were true, you would had signs of that prior to your break up too.

 

I think it's the perfect opportunity to work on that part of yourself that comes out in times like this. it's not to suppress it, but really alter it while it's right on the surface. because if you suppress it, it will only come back later in this relationship or the next one. so there's a perspective that is a good one. like going to the dentist for a toothache, the visit will suck, but afterwards it'll no longer pain you.

 

anyway, best to you.

[backinlife]

I am obsessive! I don't contact him, clearly, NC, but I do check his call records (he would never know i can even do that, and i am paying for his phone still, so feel its my right) From the phonebills i see a.) the numbers he is calling (no clue who is behind them though) b.) whether he calls one number often (does he have a friend, or even a grilfriend?)

 

If thats not obsessive....

 

I got another one. He plays this onlibe virtual soccer game. If I go to his team's page, I can see his 5 latest log in times. I look at them quite often. it makes me feel close to him without actually making contact. So at least i see he is taking care of his team late and night and not in bed with a girl.

 

Really, this stuff is counter productive. And now that i say it.... i haven't checked all this stuff in a while, and i don't feel the urge anymore. But i was quite far gone a week ago. Its getting better!

 

Mona

[BeatleJon]

I too am having this problem. I constantly check my email/cell phone. I keep on listening to The Beatles song "We Can Work It Out" but, so far....its no luck! It's really bad because I dont have anybody to share the 4th of July holiday with this year...I've been with her for the past 3 1/2 years.

Jon N.

[strndedbyluv]

yea, im with yall on the obsessive part. i still have his computer, and i frequent all the forums he use to visit, jsut to see if hes still online. i email him everyother day, and drive by his house frequently. it scares me how obsessed i am with him. i am ready to get some insurance so that i can seek professional help.

[Belle]

Wow, it's been a long time since this post. I can tell you guys one thing. Once you've been obsessive about someone and experienced that kind of crippling pain, you'll never put another person above your sanity again. Now, if it doesn't work it's "NEXT".

[joyce1412]

Wow, it's been a long time since this post. I can tell you guys one thing. Once you've been obsessive about someone and experienced that kind of crippling pain, you'll never put another person above your sanity again. Now, if it doesn't work it's "NEXT".

 

i'll agree and disagree with that one.

 

for one thing, i learned the hard way with a past ex to never, ever deign to check out his myspace, check out his website, allll that tempting internet stuff. i did it for months and months and only realized how liberating it was to not worry about it when i STOPPED. even though i know they would be virtual goldmines of information about my current ex...it's just too much. i will not do it.

 

in my HEAD the pain/insanity level has been about the same with both exes, but more hurtful with this one because we were together much much longer. and with this ex i've let myself entertain thoughts of getting back together way much more than the last one. with the last one i decided early on that nothing was going to come of us, and i didn't worry so much about him coming around and wanting me back (i figured chances were slim because he decided to be with another girl). but this one...oh, my mind is DEFINITELY going to the bad place much more often.

 

so i've left behind most of the behaviors, but the mental state hasn't really gotten better.