I feel so neglected by him

[Pixiemeat]

I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and have recently started to feel that all is not as good as it used to be. I have increasingly been thinking about breaking up, but would really like to save what we have.

 

I've always been a fairly weak person, and in relationships will give a lot of myself to my partner, doing as much as I can for them. I know this is my own fault for being a doormat, but because of my low self-esteem I associate keeping a partner with constantly pleasing them. From the start of our relationship, my partner was very surprised by how willing I was to do anything for him and tried to stop me from doing so much. Nowadays, whilst he doesn't expect it, he has started to take advantage of my feebleness. He has been away for two weeks and is back today, but has already made plans for this evening to which I am uninvited (and I can't attend). He's not mean, but I feel like a housewife who has reached the end of her tether. I just don't know what to do.

 

I know I have dug my own grave by being so accommodating, but how do I stop? How do I stop his complacency and turn it into appreciation and even assistance? I'm really lost and would appreciate any advice others had to give.

[pepsimax]

Pixiemeat, I have been broken up with my BF for nearly 2 weeks but your post is EXACTLY my situation before we broke up. I went from being independent to meeting him half way, to meeting him on his terms, to basically letting him do what he wants... he would REGULARLY go out and not invite me, come back from a holiday and immediately go out again... I was the person who washed, ironed, cleaned, drive him around, loaned him money, dealt with the bills. Everything you mentioned and more.

 

Someone else on this board (Debisfun) recommended the book 'Women Who Love Too Much'. You should definitely check it out. A lot of it may not be relevant but the basic principles are.

 

The day after I started reading it I made notes in my LiveJournal, here are a few basics:

 

 

 

Does ANY of that sound familiar?

 

Try the book, don't tell him you're getting it. The author says "If you start fixing the problem either your relationship will get better or he'll leave you". Either way it's a good outcome. Don't get stuck in it for five and a half years as I did, because he will dump you and you'll feel like an idiot for having been such a pushover when HE didn't really care if you were there or not.

[mtastic]

I think those things apply to guys too. I know i can check off a few things from pepsimax's list when I think about how i acted with my ex-gf and with peoplein general. I'm a big pushover, I take responsibility for everything, and as a result I apologize quite often. My girl and i were only togather for about 6 weeks and i don't feel she took advantage of me, but i now realize i basically reorganized my life around her, and apologized for everything, even things (at least on big thing) I shouldn't have. I think I at least kind of understand what you're going through. Anybody know how to fix these problems? I know, the usual "build your self-esteem," but i think my 21 year track record shows i don't know how to do that very well.

[gizza]

i agree it does happen to men too , in fact i'd say that often woman hold the power in all my relatioships & as i try to make everything good its taken as a signal that everything will be forgiven which at times it has been . Even now i would give my situation another chance if she said lets try it agian ! i know it would be a worse than before but hey we all want that special someone & when there not there we do & say anything right !

[mahlina]

Hi PixieMeat,

 

I understand how you feel. You feel taken for granted. Are you sure that you have low self-esteem? Just because you're trying to please him, it does not mean that you have low self-esteem. Perhaps, you're stronger than that, but you don't realize it. I think that maybe he's not giving you enough of what you want, thereforeeee, you feel as you do, but truly, deep down inside, you don't.

 

This is how I see it, the person who's the 'Giver' in the relationship tends to be the 'stronger' one, verses the 'Taker' tends to be the weaker one. The taker often relies on the giver, believe it or not. Perhaps, by now, your boyfriend might be depending on you more than you know it. He probably doesn't show it to the extent, where he might be scared that you'd leave. I know, this might sound weird, but that's kinda what I learned in a sociology class, as an general ed requirement. It's the 'Giver' 'Taker' theory.

 

I know how you feel though. I think that you're giving way too much of yourself at this point, and recieving nothing back in return. Are you sure that your boyfriend is not mean to you? I mean, neglect goes hand in hand with meanness. And, why are you excluded from hanging out with him? Is this a guy's night out to the strip joint event? Bachelor's party? If it's a bachelor's party, then it's understandable. But if not, then it just looks shady.

 

I'd be weary if I were you. Don't deny things that you feel. If he ever has a sudden change in mood:

1. One minute, he's sweet to you. Gives you the World and Romances you.

2. Next minute, he's cold, withdrawn, selfish, and acts out childish, by starting up fights for no apparent reason, while you sit there and be nice to him, and try to talk things out calmly.

 

This is what I learned, based on my experience with my last ex: If your man EVER does this to you, not just once, but MORE than once: BE CAREFUL. He might be doing something behind your back. I learned that if they have a sudden mood and change, chances are, he's hiding something behind your back, 'covering' up his 'lies.' in order to put 'guilt' on you, to make him feel like he's the 'good-guy,' leaving you feel like ish. You know what it is? It's called "Mind Control." Giving you very little, and taking advantage of it!

 

I could be wrong, but if he's not mean, then why do you feel so isolated? You deserve better. Do you think that you're being giving, is causing yourself to feel this way? Do you communicate this with him? Or do you suck it up, and hide your saddness?

 

I think that whatever the reason may be, he should be perceptive to your emotions, just as much as you do to him. As a boyfriend and a friend, he should be aware of your feelings and your happiness. If he's not, then maybe he needs more 'clues.' Sometimes guys don't know how women feel, unless if they express their emotions. They don't have a radar, so they can't always read our minds. Anyway, express how you feel to him, and if he starts up a fight, and acts immature (like my ex), then dump him right away. There's no use in salvaging a relationship that will only cause you pain.

 

You must find that person who will accommodate you in achieving life goals. If he's setting you back from feeling 'happy', then he's not your 'right match.' But first of all, whatever you do, you must find it in yourself to be happy first, before you find your happiness in someone else.

 

I hope that you'll sit down, and re-evaluate the relationship. Have a talk with him. If his reaction is to push you away (thereforeeee, adding more to your feelings of neglect), then leave the relationship. We cannot pull or twist another person's arm to love us. If they don't, then we must accept the 'fact' and move on. Also, look at his actions. Ask yourself:

1.Are his actions showing me that he cares enough about our relationship?

2. Does he back up his words through his actions?

3. Is his partying, or convenient plans that happen to be 'exclusive', an action showing that he's truly concerned about our relationship? (if so, it sounds like cheating to me.)

 

If you've answered 'no' to most of these, then map out those times in which he's let you down, verses the times in which he made an effort to show you 'his love' for you. Weigh out the Pros and Cons. If in general, his actions do not surmount to you feeling happy, meaning, he's selfish, and has 'total disregard to your emotions', then leave. There are much more fishes out there. No time needed to be wasted. I hope this helps. Cheer up k?

 

 

Mahlina

[bogahome4]

Mahlina...you put me on paper...scary but true....I spent 7 years trying to please a man who saw me when he had time...I borrowed him more money than I can count...I gave him money to go out..without me...he lived off me for years...cannot commit to buying a car...leases...works when he feels like it...and yes the cheating part is hard to concieve but I am sure he was...a liar manipulator..I found myself apologizing for everything...doubting him...well i finally decided to write him a letter ...guess what he left...he is mad and says I blew it...could you read the letter..do you think he could not take the truth?It has been 3 weeks and he is staying away...I am too...accept for a call to tell him my brother was in intensive care..and his response was so and hung up...

 

 

I have always said you are so much your father...and that my fear was that I would become yopur mother...well i believe it has started to happen...you go your merry way and i sit home and wait for you to come home and wonder what your mood will be and how many demands you will make of me...yes...I play along and I feel myself feling less respected and loved every day.

When i think of your mother sitting home every day at the table..waiting for your father...it makes me sad...she deserves so much more...a faithful, loving, giving man....who compliments her...respects her and loves her...I can honestly see why she is so unhappy...I feel it myself....I live it...

And you can say it is my choice and that I can get out anytime...well keep it up and I guarantee I will...I desrve to be treated like a human being...not just someone to cook for you, do your laundry,,,cater to your every need...I cannot and will not give until I am given back to.

Do not call me and ask what this BS is...you know it is true...not BS....think about how you treat me...I have no problem other than feeling used and unloved.....So do some thinking and call me when you have something nice to say..

 

 

I am hurting but now know he was using me...