Cheated on but still in love

[EmotionalWreck]

My husband of 12 years has been having an affair for 3 of those 12 years. I had slight suspicions but wrote them off as being needlessly jealous. This woman works for him at his office and at first I had suspicions but got over it when he told me that there was nothing for me to worry about that he loves me and would do nothing to hurt me. Well I went home early last week from work and a strange car was in the drive. I went in and caught them together in the act of making love. He said it was only one time but I dont believe that. He has been pleading for me to forgive him since that day but all I do is cry I was and am still crushed! I still love him but the sight of him in another woman's arms showing her the attention he should be showing me is hard to get over. I have had ideas of a revenge affair, divorce, seperation, or just leaving. Any other women been in my shoes? I sure could use some advice.

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

I'm very sorry you had to be put through that. I'm not one to condone cheating. as a matter of fact, it makes me sick. I can put up with pretty much anything. But cheating is not one of them. Anyone that has ever cheated and be involved with me. Had to go. Trust is given and is to be respected. The party in question is over 21 and had choices. He made some poor ones. Trust the second time around is the hardest thing in the world to do. If you keep him, good luck. You are a bigger person than me.

 

Good Luck

 

Kuhl

 

These are 4 you

[lipstick]

well, as a woman with big temperament , i think its time for you to show him how much it hurts inside.........

let him know that you are broken, that you had enough of it.....

you might wanna kick him in the ass......if it makes........

DO something! cause if you keep it to yourself........the consequences will be worst......he will do it again, or you will hate your self for marrieng him........don't suffer on your own, its him fault too.........

[OceanEyes]

Oh my GOD. I really can't even begin to understand how sick I would feel if I caught my boyfriend in bed with another woman. My boyfriend of 1 year compared to your HUSBAND of 12 years? No way. I am almost not even in an appropriate position to give adequate or qualified advice. But I will attempt to do so.

 

The main point here is that you are still in love with this man. If you feel in your heart that there is still a chance to make this work, and that it will never happen again, nobody is going to tell you otherwise. This is generally the mistake that most people - generally women - make in relationships: not taking advice about their men. I'm 100% guilty of this as I am sure most of the other women are as well.

 

Let's start with the fact that your husband lied to you for a period lasting three years. He selfishly put his own sexual desires above his love and respect for you as his wife. There must have been countless times that you suspected foul play, how could there not have been? I am sure that the times you did bring it up, you felt jealous and obsessive ... almost overbearing right? If I were you, not only would I be suffering from an ultimate betrayal, but I would also feel like a total idiot (you're not by the way, it could have been anyone).

 

You have to accept the fact, right here and now, that if you decide to take this man back, to allow him back into your confidence and your heart, that he may cheat again and leave you with the same unimportant, empty, devastated sentiments again in 1, 2 maybe 5 or 10 years. Is that something you are willing to risk? Is your love and connection with this man SO GREAT that you would put yourself through this pain and punishment again? I don't understand how you could share such a devine connection with a man who you witnessed making love to another woman. That is my view, but then again, we are all very different beings.

 

If this man will lie to you and make YOU feel like the jealous wife for three years, how can you believe his claims now? Not only are you faced with the horror of having an unfaithful husband, but also the fact that you are married to a liar. Sorry to put it so harshly, but you know it's true.

 

If I were in your position and was considering taking him back (you must be if you're here seeking advice), I would at the very least, make him pay for what he's done to you. Every time you look at your husband for a VERY long time, you are going to see him in the embraces of another woman. You are very fragile right now, and having him around begging you and being in your face is making things worse. I would kick his butt out the door, at least for now. Cheating one time in a marriage is generally something that at least 40-50% of couples can mend. This was an ongoing affair in which you physically discovered. I would NEVER forget OR forgive him.

 

Distance yourself from him for now, give yourself some time to heal and reflect. Then think long and hard about what your own happiness is worth to you, and walk away with some dignity. Don't be the fool again.

[missypal]

I know what you are going through. I've been there. There is always hope that the cheating will stop, yet you are never sure if it has stopped. You want to be open to him again, but you are afraid to be hurt again. So, the relationship suffers because the intimacy is gone. Although my ex swears he was not involved with someone when he decided he wanted to be single again, it's hard to believe. All he wants now is space to get rid of his compulsive lying. I don't think he can change and the next woman will be in for the same cheating. Still I know that it's awfully lonely now especially in the wee hours of the morning. Do you feel you can trust him now? Want to spend another 5 years wondering if he is still cheating. I tried to work it out for three years and each day I wondered where he was and if he was lying again.

[marmala]

[

Hi,

I can relate to everything you have experienced except actually catching my husband of 24 years in bed with the "other woman". Our relationship has been a roller coaster since we met and fell in love a long time ago. He has been unfaithful twice with the same old neighbor. I have given him two chances to move on and get back to being loyal and committed to our relationship. He just took a new job and we have moved two 1/2 hours away from our old home. This is after going to 2 marriage counselors. The first one was lousy and the one last year was decent. At least when I said I didn't feel safe in my own home because I always had to be on wary of his love interest- she agreed. I said I wanted out of that living situation to a new home. The counselor told my husband that was a reasonable request. Well now we are moved into a new home in a new area with our 8 year old and he says I haven't changed. I told him I feel the safest I have felt in 6 years and that I am happy and that I have tried to show that and he says I haven't. The last thing I said to him yesterday was that I wanted it in writing how he wanted me to change. We haven't spoken to each other since.

 

I use to think I could never survive without him in my life,now I am trying to calmly and rationally (Ha sounds good) figure out what to do next. Later this a.m. I will be contacting my old shrink and run my current tale of woe by her.

 

Do you have anyone to really sit down face to face and talk to? If you have insurance see what coverage you have for mental health help. If not or if you are uncomfortable with that contact a women's center. Even if its a center for abuse they can point you to people who can help with relationship issues.

 

I thought I deserved his infidelity in the past because I come from a family background that allowed abuse when I was young. I have said and done things to him that have been cruel. I am now at the point in my life I want to move on and I have tried to be a better communicator of my emotions but he clings to the past and throws his old hurts out there on the table every time we argue.

 

So my point is don't let your situation continue to brew. Like I said I have 24 years into this one relationship and I am still trying to figure out is it worth saving for our kids sake or is it better to split up before our kid is emotionally damaged from witnessing our arguments. I pray for all of us who have been betrayed by people we love and thought loved us.

[EmotionalWreck]

Marmala, Missypal, OceanEyes, Lipstick and Kuhl282000. Thank you so much for all the advice you guys gave me! I have received some of the best advice here than I have ever I think. Thank you!!

 

I have an appt. on Friday of this week (May 14) to see a shrink. My husband broke down and cried this weekend and almost all weekend he begged me not to leave him, that it will never happen again, that it was only this one time, etc. etc. I have a friend that offered to let me use a rental home that he has for as long as I wanted rent free, I just have to pay the utilities. I may take him up on it. It is in another town but not too far that I can't get to work on time. I may be able to clear my head a little better if I am alone and able to think without seeing him on a daily basis. It is bad enough to be cheated on but when you catch him in the act of making love to another woman I think that is a little tougher to handle. I will always have that visual image when I see him. I may not be able to forgive him and our marriage quite possibly may not survive but I do still love him.

 

Thank you guys so much for the advice. I know I will survive this even if it looks dark now. I am just so thankful that I have a place like this to come to to vent, cry and just have a shoulder to lean on. Thank all of you so much!

 

Sherry

[marmala]

Yea for you and thanks for your comment. I joined this forum especially to communicate with you. Last weekend on Mother's day we had a "everything but the kitchen sink thrown in" type of argument.

 

The first time my husband cheated he cried,he denicd(but I had him and her on video tape- audio no video because they were out of the view of the camera) and I left and went to my parents house for what I thought was going to be forever and ended up being two weeks. This was in 1/98 with my two year old in tow. My father tried to be supportive but he was rather verbally abusive about my husbands lack of character etc.and started making suggestions that I found entertaining but not really in grounded in reality.

 

So if you are comfortable with your friend's offer for a place to stay while you go for therapy,think,cry, and FIGURE OUT what to do next do it----- do it!!!! I might have been stronger and stayed away to truly figure out my life if I hadn't had my po'd father to listen to instead of crumbling and returning to my husband two weeks later with his promise to enter marriage counseling and do whatever it took to keep our child and I and him together as a family. This is a brief description of the first infidelity. So be comfortable with yourself and what you want and what you want to do right at this moment. What you have witnessed with your own two eyes far surpasses my audio portion of an attempted video of betrayal. Keep your eyes wide open!! I still do!!!!

[EmotionalWreck]

Well I went to the psychiatrist yesterday. basically he told me that I am the type of person that has to have someone in their life all the time. That I need to have someone to cling to and that I am afraid of living life alone and that I have a hard time dealing with conflicts or problems of any kind. I guess he is right in a way but I was the one cheated on! I have another appointment to see him on Wednesday.

 

I just finished moving a house that a friend has allowed me to use for as long as I want. It is nice and near the water. I left Kyle a note and told him that I am moving out for a while, that I need to do some thinking alone. That was Wednesday night. He has called me almost every hour everyday since then on my cell. I haven't answered any of his calls. His mother and sister called me yesterday(I didn't recognize the numbers). They told me that Kyle needed my support right now because HE is having a hard time right now and that this is the time HE needs his wife near him. They said nothing about him screwing around or that HE brought all of this on himself but that I left him at a very bad time. I told them both that I am not the one who broke our vows HE did! I told them that I caught him in the act of having sex with his girlfriend in OUR BED! I hung up on both of them and haven't answered the phone again (they both called back twice).

 

Now I think I will settle in for some serious thinking about my future, where to go from here and how to move on if that is what I decide to do. How long do you think I should go before contacting him or answering his calls? Should I talk to him face to face after I decide what to do or just write him or call him? I just know that he is going to come by my work on Monday. I just feel it. I hope not, I don't want to have to deal with that at work.

 

I want to thank all of you for your advice and support. I love this board and am glad I found it. I just hope I can un-scramble my head soon. Thank all of you again. Write to me.

 

Sherry

[missypal]

Sherry,

 

My companion of 10 years said he wanted to be single again and out of the relationship. This is after three years of trying to trust him after catching him messing around. Now, it's my fault that we broke up because I couldn't trust him. Go figure this out...he's been lying about an apartment he has kept for over the last year.

 

Take some time to breathe again, but if you're like me...there is some satisfaction about him calling and not answering the phone. The answer is really what you decide to do next. Even if you don't answer his calls, he still controls your emotions. At some point you will need to either work it out with him or get a new cell number. It's easy to get caught up in a game.

 

When my companion cheated the first time a male friend says...yes, he will be good because he wants you back and he will do anything to get you back because you threw him out. I asked if a man could change. He said it depends on the man. Sometimes the fellow realizes how much he could lose. Other times the fellow just learns how to cover his tracks better so as not to get caught. Mine was the latter. This time he walked out...instead of being thrown out. I guess it's more palatable to him this way. Life is to short to keep wondering every minute where he is...if he's cheating...if he is truly repentent.

 

Right now, this is all about you...and it should be! Prayers for you!

[EmotionalWreck]

Wow Missypal. I hate that you went through all of that too. Why do men have to try to mess around all the time? I love that man more than anyone I have ever loved or known. He is (or was) my whole life. I did everything for him. We talked all the time, went places together, have the same interests, like the same music and movies, even our sex life was great (or at least I thought it was). I just can't understand why he would risk what we had to have a roll in the hay. I seriously doubt it was his first time. I am not use to being cheated on. I am having a hard time dealing with it. Should I change my number now or later? What if he shows up at work? I don't want to risk losing my job. I am just glad we don't have any children. I have wanted children for years now but he wanted to wait. I am glad we did now. I just don't know what to feel or what to do now. Does your ex still call you?

[missypal]

You will need to decide when you need to change your number. Sometimes, hope can open the door to a renewal. Other times, hope can keep the door to emotional abuse open.

 

I can only speak about how I feel. I wish all of this had not happened. He called today and left a message, and said he had to ask me a question. I would think that if it was so important that he would leave the question on the answering service. So far I have been okay with his leaving a message. I've had my phone numbe for 17 years....and well, it would be tough to change it now, but if I had to I will.

 

You just take care. In time the pieces will come together. Be strong. I have decided that even if my ex wanted to come back, the question is...is this really the partner I want for life!

[NightLily]

*hugs* Gosh, .. *takes a deep breath*. Here is the irorny I see in this situation:

If you do decide that you want to forgive him, mentally, because you have in a sense been scarred, you may not be able to. This could lead to him growing bitter and the cheating continuing or the relationship suffering. It seems to me, that if or when you decide to forgive him, you are going to have to go in with both feet if anything is going to work.

 

But I will say this, no woman deserves to be cheated on. No woman should ever have to feel like a nagging, annoying, overly possesive wife or girlfriend just so her husband/boyfriend can cover his tracks. How could he live with himself, seeing your self image going to the dogs for the sole purpose of him having a superficial, dishonest relationship? The constant wondering can truly drive one insane.

 

On a much smaller scale, I have felt some of these emotions I'm sure you are feeling for the basic common reason: cheating. I don't think, with my limited experiance, I can fully comprehend what you must be feeling. This man that you adored and respected has suddenly degraded himself to a cheating.. pig. I mean, it completely changes your perception about who he is.

 

In many ways, I'm at a loss for words here. All I can do to comfort you, is tell you that I'll keep you in my prayers. I would try your best to not put yourself in a position where you are torturing yourself over the situation in way you can control. Yeah, the thoughts.. you can't stop those from coming completely.. but you could at least try to find a way to distract yourself? I also think you putting some distance between you and the situation was wise of you.

 

Here is where my experiance comes into play in my feeble attempt to help you I once had a boyfriend. You could say we were dating for about two and a half years. About.. 1 and a half years into the relationship, he cheated on me. Before I found out, I was always asking him how he felt about the 3rd party woman.. and he always lied to me. I swore I would never take him back. Later, he started begging and pleading when things didn't work out for him. He also expected me to help him with the pain that HE caused (like your husband). Note: really, please don't do that. I promise you, it isn't worth your sanity. Then, he seemed to make a 180 degree turn. He also suckered me into dating him again. I told myself that he would never cheat on me again and that it just couldn't happen. I tried my absolute hardest to trust him, but I just couldn't. In the end, he cheated on me again. Again, he made me feel like the over protective nagging girlfriend. My suspiciouns were right.. Looking back on it, I regret giving him a second chance. Not even only becaue he cheated on me a second time. I also regret it because.. it put us both through a lot of pain over trust issues (mainly me). I was left completely broken for a while, and again.. he wanted me.. to help him through his pain. I am no longer talking to him... and my world is starting to look quite up.

 

Hopefully, you can apply my experiance to yours and somehow learn a lesson that I learned far too late. And if you do decide to take him back, I wish you both the best of luck in repairing your marriage.

[OceanEyes]

They told me that Kyle needed my support right now because HE is having a hard time right now and that this is the time HE needs his wife near him.

 

I would have told those awful, disgusting women where to go, and how to get there. I would even offer to drive. These sound like old school women who have probably had their husbands cheat on them and turned the other cheek. I am TIRED of antiquated views like this, and I commend you 100% for hanging up and refusing to discuss the details of YOUR marriage with them. If you do end up speaking to them, tell them to mind their own damn business, and that her son/ brother has caused so much pain in your life that you are actually leaving your own home to live alone. I mean my god, are these women on crack or just stupid?

 

It's good to hear that you sought professional help. I've done the same for other reasons, and it can help so much to have an outside perspective.

 

You seem to be holding up well. You also seem, despite having a very rough time lately, strong and resilient. The thing to keep in mind here, is that there is never an excuse to cheat. Regardless of problems that you 2 may have been having, there is just NOTHING that is going to make you forget a three year affair (I think you mentioned 3 years).

 

Who cares if he's crying? Let him put on his little show of emotion - he's probably upset because HE GOT CAUGHT. Ask yourself this: If you wouldn't have caught him, do you think he would have stopped? He is crying his eyes out and harassing your cell phone because HE KNOWS he's totally busted. No chance to try and weasle his way out by doing what he does best: LYING.

 

I understand that you do still love your husband, and I am trying to be as sensitive as possible. But at the same time, a man who has no respect for your marriage vows or his promises and obligations to you really does deserve to pay for what he's done. It would be the same if it were a female who had cheated on a male in my opinion.

 

If I were you, I would change my cell phone number as soon as possible. BEFORE you get the urge to answer it. Stand your ground, give yourself some time to think and be away from him. You will look back on this later on in life and thank yourself.

[marmala]

Dear EW,

If you don't like what you are hearing from your therapist seek someone else. I hinted that the first one we had in 98 was more sympathetic to my husband and yes he was a male therapist. He had some good points about how my past lead to a communication break down etc however he never told my husband that what he did was wrong. The second therapist last year who was a young woman did tell him point blank that seeking any attention be it emotional and/or physical outside of the marriage was WRONG! Is there any chance your husband will go to therapy on his own?

 

For the people who are slamming age and turned the other cheek etc. if it is directed to my situation you don't know all so don't be so quick to judge. Life is shades of gray and not black or white with answers.

 

Hang in there and change whatever numbers you need to protect your peace and space.

Marmala

[EmotionalWreck]

First let me thank everyone for their support and suggestions. You guys have really helped me a lot in this and for that I love you all and thank you.

 

I went back to my therapist this past week and he told me that it is time to start putting my marriage back together and work on healing. I asked him "What if I don't want to put my marriage back together?". He said that I am emotionally weak if i want to walk away from this without giving him a chance to change and to try and forgive him. He went on to tell me that everyone is human and makes mistakes. He asked me"So you have been the perfect wife during your entire marriage?". I got angry then and said "Well no I haven't been the perfect wife but I have NEVER broken ANY of my vows! I have never screwed anyone else since we have been married, or been to lunch or even have any male friends outside of the ones we have together!" I got up and stormed out of the place. He called me later that day and said that I need to work on my hostilities and my emotional health. I said No, all I need is a new therapist. Then I hung up.

 

Wednesday Kyle came to where I work(I knew he would). Well, we got into an argument and they had him escorted out. Then they told me that I needed to take the rest of the day off and find a way to keep my husband away from there. As I was leaving, I noticed that Kyle was following me. I know he was trying to find out where I am living so I drove around for a while then went into the shopping center and went inside a clothing store. I waied until I saw him leave the parking lot then drove around some more then went home.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. The church that we usually go to called me Monday and asked why I haven't been there. I said well, Kyle and I have been having problems. He said yes we know about that and we are supporting Kyle and praying with him. He is very distraught and could really use your support right now. Remember, for better or for worse. That is when I really got pissed. I said , Yeah, remember also Thou shall not committ Adultery! Then I hung up after telling him I won't be back. About 5 minutes later Kyle called. I didn't answer(i have not answered any of his calls since I moved out). I know Robert was at our house and Kyle put him up to calling me.

 

Guys, I don't know what to do or where to turn. What hould I do right now? I feel so alone and everyone is making me feel like I have done something wrong and not Kyle. What do I do?? Well thanks for letting me vent. I needed to do that. Someone please tell me what to do next.

 

Sherry

[NightLily]

Well, I can't really tell you what to do next. One of the reasons being that I don't feel equipped to do so, and I don't really think anybody can.

 

But, you really do seem to be getting screwed over by everybody just pushing the fact that your husband cheated aside. If people still say it is no longer a man's world, then in many ways they are wrong. People expect for a wife to stand at her husdand's side no matter what. Even if the wife was physically abused, after leaving, the wife often feels as though she abandoned her husband or feels guilty. I think it is pretty universal that we would agree that she should not feel guilty. Well, you shouldn't as well. HE got himself into this mess and HE hurt YOU. It isn't your job to get him out of ithis mess and it also is not your job to make him feel better. He is a grown man and he can take care of himself. But, he should have also taken care of you and looked out for you. He neglected to do this completely, so why after he quite possibly ruins your marriage and breaks your heart . .. should you run to his aid?

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that you shouldn't have to take that sort of crap from people. Kyle also shouldn't be following you I personally find that a bit creepy. Maybe you could set something up like letting him email you once a week as long as he promises to not call and promises to stay away from you? Maybe not, but that could at least keep him at bay.

 

I hope things start to get a little bit easier for you soon hun.

Take care,

SuzyQ

[OceanEyes]

HE got himself into this mess and HE hurt YOU

 

That's absolutely right. I agree with a lot of things Suzy mentioned, especially about how most of us are pumped up with this "equality between women and men" crap that we hear so much about. Most men will argue that women do have equal rights and the same choices as they do, but it's really not the case, especially in the eyes of old-fashioned conservative misogynists who don't practice what they preach. Hypocrisy rules the world.

 

You may have already mentioned this somewhere, but I may have missed it. Do you and your husband have very religious views? Have you been raised in a religious family? The reason I ask is because you seem to be getting a lot of flack about how YOU'VE abandoned your husband and have escaped your marriage vows. I don't want to offend anyone who has strong religious beliefs here, but many, especially Catholic and Orthodox-variant religious backgrounds have very solid morals regarding marriage. Men are still very much the masters of their domain from what I have observed. Many women are raised with the same ideals, and tend to agree and follow that faith without complaint. I say, whatever makes you happy, but in your case, I respect and congratulate your strength and unwillingness to be abused and disrespected.

 

I think you're hanging in there beautifully and are showing resilience and strength that I don't think I could manage. PLEASE stick to your guns and don't give into this man OR his whiny family. You are your own person, your own woman and it's YOU who will have to deal with the consequences if you choose to go back. I really hope you have some good friends and your own family backing you up on this. If I were you, I would get that number changed immediately and stick with people who are going to be there to support and love you. People who tell you to "forgive and forget" when you're really not ready to do that, given the circumstances, are not people I would associate with.

 

Keep us posted Sherry, and remember, there are men out there who will love and honour you like you deserve!

[NightLily]

many, especially Catholic and Orthodox-variant religious backgrounds have very solid morals regarding marriage. Men are still very much the masters of their domain from what I have observed. Many women are raised with the same ideals, and tend to agree

 

Well, just to offer another point of view on what OceanEyes said above:

 

I am Catholic and I don't seem to see this happen. In fact, when the man seems to be the "head of the house," the woman is actually the one in charge when you get down to it. But, usually, at least where I am, Catholic people don't seem to be extremists of any sort. They are pretty much normal (with the exception of a few families in a parish). And also, as you can see from my above post, I don't agree with those values and I am Catholic. I believe that the priest of my church would say that the vows were broken and so you can have a hearing for an anulment (sp?). But, perhaps Catholics are bit extreme in parts of the world that I have yet to live in.

 

But, no ofense taken OceanEyes I understand that there are MANY view points on the Catholic church. Some false, some true, but without those opinions, this wouldn't be much of a free country. Now would it?

 

Peace,

SuzyQ

[amaranth_04]

Hi emotional,

 

I am sorry to hear that this happened to you. What his mother and sister said is utter nonsense. If he was brought up with that sort of a mentality, that explains his disillusioned behaviour as though he has been wronged. Anyway, enough of him.

 

It seems you are taking this stronger than most. Just be concerned about making choices for your own well-being, as obviously no-one else is, esp not the person who should have been the first one there for you in any difficulty but instead caused the greatest pain. As OceanEyes said, do you have family near you who could lend you support, good friends as well? You may feel like you can't go through it alone at some point, and you don't really want to turn to your husband in a moment of weakness, until you have decided fully what you want to do next. In moments like those, it would be best to be able to turn to people who have your well-being at heart.

 

No one deserves this treatment, and you have every right to take as long as you need to think about what you want to do about this, just hopefully not at the expense of keeping your life from going forward. If you choose to go back to him, he has to help you heal and make amends for as long as it takes, and not before. For what he has done, that's not too much to ask for.

 

I hope you start feeling better in time.

[OceanEyes]

 

But, no ofense taken OceanEyes I understand that there are MANY view points on the Catholic church. Some false, some true, but without those opinions, this wouldn't be much of a free country. Now would it?

 

Peace,

SuzyQ

 

No offence taken at all. I wasn't trying to stereotype or insult anyone's faith either, so I hope anyone didn't take offence to what I said. And you're right, in that even though it may seem like the man is the "head of the house" that the woman will still have the last say in things.

[tiger_lilies]

EM, Continue the no contact thing...I'm sure it's driving him nuts not knowing what you're thinking or doing. Which explains why he showed up at your work and then followed you.

 

You need to put your love aside right now and focus on the imense pain this man has caused you. Perhaps the person you love is not that person at all? You may have been in love with someone who wasn't showing his true self to you. Or at least, he is someone who "thought he could get away with it". I mean, he's been lying to you for 3 years!!! That's a long time to keep up with lie after lie. That's also a really long time for her to be involved with a married man!

 

He's made you a victim. I am soooo sorry you have to go through all this. Even though I've been cheated on, it doesn't compare to your situation.

 

Be strong EM. Keep your dignity and self respect. Keep us posted!

[redsuede]

For whatever its worth I am sorry for the emense pain you have been through.. I KNOW its a pain you have to go through to understand the depth of the pain, and the psychological trauma that goes with it.

I just got out of a 5 year relationship and chose to compete with all sorts of people 10 years younger. My self esteem was non existant.. but I too am making the climb of a healthier life for me. I am not going to be treated the way and it sounds like you are doing the same.. BTW, i did change my phone number and it is the BEST thing I ever did. I dont go home and obsess if my ex was going to call, or should I be this or that.. I gave myself the gift of going home and resting after all the havok. Best of luck to you.. No one deserves to be cheated on, and you just need to trust your GUT, not your heart.. It wont lead you astray.

[EmotionalWreck]

Thought I would give you guys an update on my situation. It has been a while since I have been on so I thought I would let you all know.

 

Since I last posted on here I have gotten a restraining order against Kyle. He was relentlessly calling my cell phone and he eventually found out where I was living and began showing up all the time and harassing me. He doesn't openly harass me anymore but things happen that I know is from him (flowers on my doorstep, windshield wipers missing from my car..twice, greeting card left on my car seat unsigned, etc). Kyle's mother and sister have drug my name through the mud and say that I must have had a boyfriend on the side or why else would Kyle have an affair.

 

I have gotten a new therapist and she is wonderful and supportive. She has really given me a bright outlook on life. I think I am going to get a divorce now. I am sure Kyle and I could never work again.

 

I got a promotion at work and making more money. I have begun paying some rent for the home my friend has been letting me stay in since I left Kyle. He said he doesnt want any money but I insisted. I wouldnt feel right living in his house for nothing.

 

Well that is an update somewhat. I still live in fear of Kyle but I am getting stronger and happier everyday. Thank you all for your support and help when this first happened. I am so glad I found this site and you guys

 

Oh, by the way, the girl that I caught him with that he said was "only once" ? Well I have pictures to prove that she has spent many evenings at my house. Shows what kind of guy I married.

[nsbfriend]

Hi there:

 

I just wanted to send you a note of encouragement! It sounds like he and his whole family are so used to manipulating you they don't know what to do without you as their punching bag. Stay strong! Don't go back to him. Once he cheats, he will cheat again and again. There is a bond broken now between you that will not be easy to fix, and it sounds like he had no reason to even change his ways until you were strong enough to leave him.

 

Try walks on the beach; it's been so pretty lately. Also, think about getting another cell phone or changing your number. I know it's drastic, but each time they call you are more likely to answer. In a moment of self doubt or lonliness, a call from him or them is enough to get you to meet with him which leads to getting back together. If you do answer, only answer numbers you are certain to know--- they could be calling from a pay phone.

 

I'm sorry to be so drastic, but it is really hard breaking up. If you remember how badly you felt when you found out about the cheating, and think about how little he cared about you while he did it then you can be stronger. There is someone better out there for you! You sound like a really kind and nice woman, your picture shows you are attractive, and you're only 36. Stay Strong, girl!

 

32 year-old female friend who's been burned too many times to count