7 year relationships over...DEVESTATED

[ariesgirl]

Hi all,

I've been reading but have never posted. 2 days ago my boyfriend of 7 years broke it off with me. Things had been pretty bad and we were fighting a lot. He is currently working full time and has gone back to school for a graduate degree. Due to our schedules we were never seeing each other and he has been very stressed out. He's constantly snappy and it got to the point where when i'd ask a simple question he'd bite my head off. We'd talk it out he'd apologize and explain that he's just stressed out and is doing this for our future etc.

Then we have a discussion that turns into an argument. He tells me that he just cannot do this anymore. He has too much going on and that I "add stress" to his life. Of course I freak out and get very upset and he's like I just cannot do it its over. So I made the mistake of trying to contact him and tell him that we could make it work. I told him that I would be more understanding and supportive and we could go back to what we once had. We were very much in love. Slowly he starts to agree and tells me that he wants to try. However, I felt like I was giving all fo the effort to make things work. I will admit that I was very needy and was acting a little bit smothering. I guess I just wanted to show him that I loved him and that we could work through this like we had in the past. That was clearly a wrong move. So the next day he tells me that he's sorry but he's thought about it again and he simply cannot do it. I of course broke down and cried it was just an emotional roller coaster. I can just tell that he no longer loves me the way he used to. It's one of the most painful things I've ever had to go through. I did still keep trying to call him, and that is why Im on here. Today I am starting NC. I know that that is what I need to do. I want him to experience life without me since he's so sure he does not want me in it. I also want to begin to heal. I am so glad that I have this site and the awesome supportive people on here.

This has been the worst thanksgiving ever. I have absolutely no appetite, a pit in my stomach, and im basically on the verge of tears at ever moment. I feel physically sick and don't know how I'm going to heal from this. He really was my best friend and I sadly am still deeply in love. I hope to come on here and vent, when i want to call him. Thank you!

and happy thanksgiving!

[metrogirl]

I'm sorry love......What a horrible thing to have happen.

 

Maybe he is just stressed out from everything and needs a bit of time to sort through everything. NC is good because it gives you both time to re-evaulate what is important.

 

There are many wonderful people here that will surely help you while you are grieving. Just keep talking about it.

 

And welcome!

[Hugwolf]

I am so sorry you are going through this, especially at this time of year. Are you spending your day with friends or family?

 

I admire your decision to go into NC immediately. This was not something I was able to do for many weeks. It's so hard but it really is the best way to focus on yourself and start healing. I don't like to foster false hope, but he sounds really stressed out... Maybe this immediate break in contact will give him something to think about.

 

take care

[Gracelove]

Hey There!!!

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup! Seven years is a long time. You've invested a lot in him and the relationship, so you'll probably grieve for a while.

 

I can definitely understand where you are coming from.

 

Are you a romantic? Do you love to be in love? Were you doing more things for him, than he was doing for you? Were you always compromising yourself to suit his whims?

 

If so, this is definitely for the best.

 

Chances are that when your boyfriend said he was working towards your future, he was really just thinking of his.

 

Just from my own experiences, and having guy friends, I think....your ex is thinking of what he wants to do when he's done with school.

 

He has had a girlfriend for 7 years, so he knows what that's like.

He is probably aware that when he finishes school, you are expecting the two of you to eventually marry.

 

And he's probably thinking this, "When I'm finished with school, I just want to live it up! I want to have fun! I want no stress and limited responsibilities, because after all, I'm a young man. I want to drink, meet hot girls, have wild sex, go on a few adventures, and have an awesome time!"

 

I'm sure that's what he's thinking, because right now, he has a taste of what married life will be like.

 

He has the long-term relationship (1), the job (2), and school (3). If he stays in the relationship and gets married, he can replace "school" with "children" (which will be much more stressful), and that is probably extremely unappealing to him right now.

 

So, in a nut shell, I think that's why he dumped you. It's easier for him not to be bothered. He's not happy in the situation, and he doesn't want to remain in it for a lifetime.

 

Now of course that really sucks.

It can be infuriating, because why didn't he tell you this years ago?! He wasn't thinking about it years ago. This is his new idea, he likes the way it sounds, and he's running with it. Seven years have past, he's had a good run, now he's ready to live like he's dying (for lack of a better term).

 

You have dedicated 7 years of your life to him. I'm sure you've been wonderful to him. I'm sure that you are a wonderful and loving person.

So really, it's his loss.

 

This is where the healing and self-discovery comes in.

 

You are awesome. You have a lot going for you. You spent seven years of your life, in a relationship with a man, who did not make the big commitment to you, for whatever reason.....

 

You love him, he may love you...but in his world, that doesn't really matter anymore.

 

You have to matter more to yourself, than to any man. And that's a hard place to get to.

He has used you and thrown you away like a doll.

 

But you are not a doll to be thrown away.

 

You just need to think of yourself for a while. Do the things that you want to do. Enjoy your life. Don't worry about boyfriends and/or marriage.

 

Just relax, and have a good time.

 

And one day, when you're not thinking about it, a wonderful man will approach you. A man with sense, a man who is ready to settle down, and a man who knows you're no throw-away doll.

 

And at that point, with that man, you'll have a successful, happy relationship.

 

In the meantime, just enjoy your life. And don't worry about your wishy-washy ex, who can't seem to make up his mind on whether or not he really wants you around.

 

Believe me, it has taken years of observation, listening, and reflection to come to this conclusion.

 

Anywho, you're so much better than him, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your Thanksgiving, because you deserve it!

[ariesgirl]

thanks everyone!

 

As for him wanting to have fun and have sex and live it up and party that's not what it is about. He is 27 and will not be done this graduate degree until almost 30. He's never been about all these girls and partying and things like that. He's actually very serious about his job but he is VERY stressed out. Burning at both ends, frustrated etc.

 

As far as me pressuring him to get married its nothing like that either. I have made it clear (and it is the truth) that I'm not really into getting married. I honestly could take it or leave it and KIDS, well those are out of the question!! I am self employeed I own a few stores that keep me VERY busy so those things are just not in my realm.

 

He called me on thanksgiving and apologized again for everything. He said that I'm family to him and there was a big space at the table and he could not stop thinking about me. This was on voicemail (i didnt pick up) I did cry when I heard the message and it really set me back. I just need to step away from him and everything right now. He has also texted today trying really hard to make me forgive him but now I just cannot trust him.

 

I had a great thanksgiving with my family and although this is still so hard I'm feeling ok. I want to thank everyone for their responses!

[ariesgirl]

kittykat, what a great response! Seriously thank you! I'll learn from you