Not sure if mother defines as abusive or not, seeking support, advice

[Rabbitrabbits]

It's about my mother. I'm sure most could list problems about there's but while I'm not sure, I think I may have more than the average problem. I am in no way saying she's a bad person. Well.......... just that there are problems. I'm not even saying it's abuse. There's no violence and no yelling. Just things. Anyway thanks in advance for reading and any comments you can suggest

 

(I sort of ranted about an event at the start. But since that got me writing, and actually consider posting for help I'm leaving it in.)

 

Shouldn't you be nice to people. I mean dang. Especially those close to you. If you're married to someone you shouldn't make snide remarks about them. If there's problems you should work on them out in the open. And if your son is in a room with lot's of books searching for a book for one of his brothers and the youngest comes in to talk about pokemon because said older son (me) actually cares and listens. Then you (Mum) shouldn't stop youngest brother when he comes out and try to interrogate him to see if I've sexually abused them while in there. (of course I haven't and never would but it hurts among the other things she does)

 

I think ethically even when moving beetles and don't want to ever be a negative force to anyone, so I don't even know why or what is going on in her mind I know she is tired, but everyone should still be better to those who depend on them. It's ultimately in everyone's best interest including her own.

 

Okay rant over. Basically there's way more than what I said. I feel I can't talk freely about things. I don't know why she does what I said above. I have asperger's syndrome (a mild form of autism) so maybe she thinks since I'm not good at social interactions I have other problems too. I was bullied at school and have anxiety and depression as a result (maybe as a result of this too?) She's involved in everything. I have never drunk a drop of alcohol nor any drugs. I haven't even been to a party ever. I know I need to set boundaries but if you were in my situation you'd know it's hard and I just want to escape.

 

She says she wants me to have friends, but when I talked to someone on the computer she hung around trying to listen in, asking probing questions and making me feel guilty. I can understand been wary of strangers but it was different.

 

I was planning to try and heal myself in this environment, but I'm starting to think it's corrosive (it could be worse yes). That been in it hinders any progress and just physical removing myself would be the best thing possible.

 

Part of me just wants to move away from the toxic mess. But I still have depression, anxiety and who knows how I'd fare. Probably great away from the slow hurt but still I've been conditioned to be afraid

 

There are services which could help me (group homes, transitional things for people with disabilities). But when I even tentatively broached the subject she was said, you like it here, don't you? Don't you like me? In such a way as to there been only one answer. (It's hard to explain) Of course my lying skills are awful so I just have to not bring it up. It kills me not been able to discuss things like normal people (through I suspect other families have problems too, sigh) To access some of the disability services they put me on a disability pension. Since I was getting more involved in my own self I suggested some of the things, but then she was “Oh I see, now you have some form of income you just want to move away” I've never being rude, or disrespectful and it just hurts.

 

I hate lying. Well not so much lying, but keeping integral parts of yourself and feelings from one who should be the one you can trust. She asked me if the reason her children have had problems is because of the way she parents. She asks it in a way where you have to say no. But I want to tentatively say.....hmmmmmm maybe. YES ......Sigh......

 

I know that identifying the problems and working on solutions to solve them would be the best course of action. But seriously the thing I would appreciate most would be to just escape and rebuild myself not looking back. I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling so would try to do it in the nicest way possible. Well I have a selfish motive there. If I had to visit I would still want things to be cordial. I don't want them to stress worrying about me then arguing.

 

Does anyone have any ideas on what to do. I have a case manager (because of the depression and aspergers) who is there to help, but I think more in the sense of not this issue. However they've done the training and the same place that offers the service also has group homes and other forms that wouldn't be just a complete shock to me. Should I email this? Should I do nothing? Should I do something else? I'd appreciate everyone's ideas and support.

 

To sum up I feel doing something would help. But if I didn't get it right it could create tension at home which I don't feel I have the strength to cope with just now.

 

UPDATE: I forgot to tell my age as replies and thoughts would obviously be different depending on it, silly me It's 21.

[alli]

I think you should tell your case manager your situation and that you would really like look into moving into a group home very soon.

 

I think what is stopping you is fear of the unknown, not knowing how it will turn out if you move. After all, that is a pretty significant event in life. And you also fear the repercussions of what your mother will say to you.

 

But think about this. How bad could it be? The odds are that you will be much happier on your own and learn that you are more capable of taking care of yourself than you think you are. After all, you have the ability to look into your current situation at home and know that it is not good. And second, it's not going to matter much what your mom thinks because you will not be around her 24/7 to hear about it like you are now. If she comes to visit you, there will be a lot of other people around and she probably will not say things to upset you in their earshot.

 

The most important thing to do is make sure your case manager knows how serious you are about this and ask them for their help in making it happen. Keep bringing it up every time they come to visit you. The squeaky wheel gets the oil!

[Rabbitrabbits]

Most of the time it's not so bad and I think I'll try and heal myself and get things in place so I can transfer in time once I've worked on things slowly.

 

Other times I'm not sure what is good for me. How much would I tell my case manager if at all?