Tell me I was irrational - But please say you can understand

[wandering]

I'm going to try to keep a long story short - I just would like a little advice and maybe someone to tell me they know where I am coming from. Almost two years ago I started dating a guy that I live accross the street from. I was not dating anyone at the time and neither was he - we were both several months out of long term, serious relationships.

 

It moved very slow. I was extremely hesitant since he lived accross the street. We made dinner for each other and soon started traveling short distances together to see some bands we both enjoyed. He is 35 and I am 31. We got along really well, but the romance developed slowly; I felt like it was because I was coming out of a four year relationship and had not dated in so long. I was extremely attracted to him, as he was for me. Eventually, about two months later, we kissed and eventually became intimate. We hung out together all the time, would go shopping together, or just sight seeing together. But he just would never verbally commit or get too close to me. He introduced me as his friend so I just never really understood where I stood in his life. I tried to be patient and understanding and we got along so well. It was just the most comfortable relationship and he was my best friend as I was his. He confided everything to me except his feelings for me.

 

Well, a year and a half into this relationship, on the day of the superbowl this year, which also happened to be his birthday, his friends threw him a party. He didn't ever take me out when he was with these other friends because they all drink alcohol and I really don't drink much and he said he just didn't want to have to worry about whether I was having fun or not. (During the relationship he would occasionally go out to bars on Friday or Saturday night with a friend, but he always came over to my house when the bar closed so I didn't worry too much about this; stupid me) Anyway, On the day of the superbowl, He didn't come home until after 2am and about a half hour later I saw another car pull up in his driveway and two girls got out and went in his house. They stayed until about 5:30am. I was so hurt, I stayed up watching out my window the whole time and I couldn't go to work the next day. He called me the next day like nothing was wrong and asked me if I wanted to come over for lunch. I told him I was mad and why. He said he didn't realize I thought we were in a relationship and said that he wasn't happy with anything in his life right now and could not love anyone right now. I didn't understand and I told him I could not continue our relationship as it was.

 

Two weeks later I couldn't stand the silent treatment anymore so I called and extended my friendship to him and told him how much I'd missed talking to him. He said he was glad and things slowly got back to the way they were. Then he called me in the middle of the night one night after he had been out drinking. I told him he wasn't a very good friend to me and he said he was coming over to talk to me. He stood there holding my face telling me he thought he was crazy for not marrying me six months ago; that I was his dream girl; but that he just wasn't happy with his life right now. So we started sleeping together again and spending time doing nothing together again, having a great time. Next thing you know, a woman he knew from work asked him to take her step-daughter out and show her around town because she was in from another state. He went out with her on a Sat. night and had slept with her by Monday night. She wasn't even going to move to the area and he probably won't ever see her again. He didn't even tell me he was going to go out with someone. She is only 25 (He is 35). He said he didn't know he was going to take her out until that day and that they just happened to hit it off. I was sick and could see a lot of what was going on just looking out the front window. I didn't call him for a week and then her car showed up at his house the following week again so I called him to find out what was going on. He told me that he was going to date and do what he wanted (we had just been together two nights before he took this girl out). The next day I was at work and saw him pull up in a parking lot with her in a convertable. I pulled over and LIKE A FOOL told her about the things he had said to me only weeks before he met her. I KNEW BETTER THAN TO DO IT and I hate to be psychotic but I always seem to do the worst possible thing to myself. He got in his car and followed me home and tried to get me to answer my door. I was scared so I didn't so he went home and called me. He said he had tried for a year and a half to fall in love with me but that he just wasn't in love with me and that I was psycho and that he probably sensed it and that's why he didn't love me. He told me to say whatever I wanted to say to him because he was never going to speak to me again. I was so sick about what I had done I didn't have anything left inside me to say.

 

That's it. She stayed at his house the next four days; coming out in her pajamas in the morning and standing on the front porch and now she has been gone (hopefully for my sake for good) for about two weeks. She had Texas license plates on her car and I hope she went back. He told me on that last day when he called me that he thought I had more class that to confront him and her the way I did and say the things I said. I feel like he doesn't know what class is if he sleeps with a girl from out of state on the second night (and how much class could she have to do the same?)

 

I am sick inside; can't eat real food without throwing up. At least I am no longer suicidal, so I guess things are getting better; but I am afraid that is because I don't have to look out and see her car there; but I know eventually it will be another car. I am crushed even more because I lost my best friend in the process. I gave him unconditional love and was there for him whenever he needed someone to talk to. Why doesn't he miss me? Why would he throw away even our friendship for a one night stand (or one week stand) with a girl ten years younger than he is who wasn't even from the same state. I know I am better off, but I feel absolutely numb and even though I know I deserve better, all I want is for him to call me and say he misses me too. I will cut off my hands before I ever call him again. Do you think there is something wrong with me? I think I had a right to be emotionally attached. Why could he not be in love with me? Did all the good times just happen in my head? He was calling me every night and then this girl comes to town and all of a sudden nothing ----I wasn't calling him every night (although I was living for his calls). Do you think there is any hope he will forgive me or ever be able to fall in love with me? I know I am grasping at straws, I just want to have some hope. I have tried to be as honest as possible and tell the entire story. Any advice would be appreciated.

[debisfun]

This is going to sound harsh. To answer your question....

 

"Do you think there is any hope he will forgive me or ever be able to fall in love with me? I know I am grasping at straws, I just want to have some hope. "

 

No. He might *say* he does, and if you take him back, the cycle will repeat itself, only faster. It sounds like he wants a fall-back, emotional crutch, "eff-buddy".

 

You REALLY need to get the book "Women Who Love Too Much". It describes exactly the type of man that your ex appears to be, unable to love and make a commitment. This book will help you understand YOUR role in this toxic relationship so that you can change YOUR behaviour and get healthy.

 

If you are looking for hope, look to yourself and look to the future. But DON'T look to him for hope. You need to focus on yourself, you need to protect yourself, you need to heal yourself. In order to be happy as a couple you need to get happy again as a single person. Remind yourself of all that you were before you two hooked up.

 

Good Luck. You will get through this.

 

And yes, I do understand. I've been where you are before and am struggling terribly to move on myself.

[wandering]

I can't thank you enough for your suggestions and understanding. I will pick up the books asap. Just reading your replies makes me want to cry but this time it's really not about the friend I lost it's more about the friend who was never really there for me, only himself. I know I must accept the responsibility and the blame for wasting another two years of my precious life when I knew in my gut that all things were not right.

 

P.S. You were right on with the comment about him being the star of his social circle and the victim in all of this. Even his mom, who really liked me, told me just to be patient with him; She said we were both young and should enjoy ourselves and she compared it to her courting relationship with her husband. Looking back it's almost like she helps him sleep around by cleaning his house and changing the sheets on his bed. Yuck. I know I am better than this I just have regrets for letting it overtake my rationality and just walking away the bigger person - for once I would just have liked to walk away knowing I didn't lose it.

 

Thank you again.

[tiger_lilies]

Dear Wandering,

 

Your story breaks my heart. I feel for you and pray that the pain will be over soon. The actions of your ex are extremely selfish. Granted he has a right to feel the way he does, but it's not fair for him to string you along like that. Realize to yourself how much love you have in you to give to someone who deserves it. Actions speak much louder than words, something I've learned to pay extra attention to with any relationship.

[lisaria]

Hey wandering,

I have to tell you that your story made me so mad

Why do people treat other people like that? Your story reminded me of mine just a little. The fact that they think they can keep you and me hanging on while they go off and have their flings and then expect us not to say anything? Why? What makes them think their crap is so darned great that we will just put up with anything as long as they are there??? (I'm really cleaning this up, I would love to use the words in my head, but then this would probably never get on the board)

I did that until I just couldn't anymore. I have more self respect than that. Yes, I did a few things I'm not proud of too. I messed with his email and his passwords and emailed his latest fling, told her to leave him alone. But then I had "invaded his privacy" when I did that. To h#ll with the fact that he had invaded my heart with his lies and his cheating. It didn't matter that he had hurt me and led me on and promised me all kinds of things. Me and his kids and mine. That didn't matter. How dare he!!! How dare your ex do that to you!!!!!

I was just like you. I couldn't eat, I lost 20 lbs over Christmas, I usually put on that much. I look pretty good, but what a way to do it. I couldn't eat, sleep, concentrate. I looked like h%ll and felt even worse. Work was awful. I didn't want to get out of bed. I cried and cried and screamed and screamed and cried some more. I punched my pillows and kicked the mattress until I just couldn't stand it. Then i would take something and sleep and do it all over again. Weekends I never even got out of my pajamas or the bedroom.

Your ex and mine do not know what the word relationship means. How dare he say that to you? You were seeing him regularly, sleeping with him, sharing your life with him. What did he call it? Oh, let me guess....friends? How many of his friends does he sleep with? That really gets me.

My ex always liked being the center of attention too. He was super fun to be with. I wonder if that is why I can't let it go. I'm shy and quiet, he was funny and always talking, telling a story about anything that went on in his day. He could make the smallest thing interesting. Very charming.

I'm a little better now. Then after Christmas, I gave him another chance and he did it again. I've not seen him since Superbowl Sunday, except for two seconds at the gym which I don't count. Yeah, we split that weekend too. The sad thing though, is that I still check my caller id to see if he called when I come home. Every time I check my email, my stomach knots up because I think that "Maybe this time I'll have a msg. from him" Geesh. How long is that going to go on? It's been three months for God's sake.

Wandering, keep your self respect girl. Don't contact him. I still have weak moments, hell weak days, when I want to contact him. I want to have something from him, if it's only a two word email. I just want to know that he remembers me, that I meant something to him. He meant so much to me and I meant so little to him. That part really hurts. I hope you move on quickly. Don't hang on like I have. Don't hang on to the good times, remember the lousy ones and how bad he treated you. At least in the beginning. It will help you not contact him. I really think that if you were to become "friends" again that he would use you again. And hurt you again. Don't give him that opportunity. Be strong. You don't need someone like that in your life. Look at the headgames he played. He made you think there was something there (just like my ex) when he just wanted to use you. Don't give him that honor again. He's not good enough.

I hope I haven't been too harsh, but he sounds unbelievably like my ex. The lies, headgames, cheating and yet you would take him back and unfortunately I would take mine back too. I think. But be strong and don't let him back him. It would only hurt more.

Take care. We are here for you.

Lisa

[wandering]

I am so sorry that we share such a horrible experience. It is so disheartening to know that people like our ex's exist. I must thank all of you again for sharing your stories with me for I do find a strange sort of comfort in knowing I am not the only one. I share so many of the same feelings - exactly - like running to the caller id first thing when walking in the house to see if he tried to call and keeping the phone with me wherever I go. I am doing better but I am afraid it is because I haven't seen another girl there since the last one; but I know that won't last forever. I knew better than to get involved with someone who lived so close because now I have to face it every day no matter what. I am also a shy person who doesn't let many people in to my life easily and I just had a lot of fun once I let him in. As angry as I can get thinking about the way he treated me I get twice as angry at myself for not expecting more out of my relationships. He actually tried to make me feel bad for ruining our "friendship" - like I could go on being his "friend" when it was convenient for him.

 

Thank you again for sharing. I really appreciate the support and as much as I want to move on and forget about him I think it really helps to talk about the pain and have someone understand where I am coming from.

 

RLM