Why do I still love her so much?

[Nappyloxs]

Today is kind of the opposite of yesterday. It's a minor setback.

I don't want to contact her, but I can't help thinking about how much I love her and how special of a relationship we had just to be thrown away over a bad argument.

 

I know that there were some issues, some of which were money issues. I still can't help but wonder how ironic the timing of the breakup was. I have made more money since the breakup than the last year. Also, the day of the breakup, I got paid a nice amount which she totally forgot.

 

I am one of those guys when I fall; I fall hard. I am definitely 100% better than I was two or three weeks ago. And I know I will always love her to a certain degree, but why after two plus months do I still love her so much?

 

I still come home and say "I am home (pet name)." I finally am able to remember some of her flaws and learned what mine are. It just seems unfair in some ways that we are over. We both invested a lot into the relationship. She relocated to be with me. I also put in a lot, I realized I should have done more, but still I contributed.

 

My friends and family don't even recognize me anymore. I was the guy who dated a lot. I was strong and confident. My own mother said she is surprised by how hurt I am. I definitely have made great strides over the last month, partially because of ENA, and I am regaining some of my strength and confidence.

 

Even in my fantasy of us getting back together, I know that we both would have to change. I also know that she is not coming back, no matter how many times I wish or pray that she does.

 

I just wish that I wasn't still so much in love with her. She had flaws, but she was still so amazing to me. She really was the woman of my dreams and perfect for me. I knew that during the relationship, but I wasn't complete honest with myself or her. Honestly, she has set a high standard. She will be the one that I wish never got away and the one I compare other woman to for quite some time. (I know I shouldn't do that, but I know its going to happen).

 

I just wish there was a hypnotist that could make me forget about her and the last two years we spent together.

 

I really am kind of grateful for this breakup, because it showed me what love really is. See, before her I was single for 5 years. I think I forgot how to love. I just wish it wasn't a breakup, but a break. I could deal with us being apart for 6 months, if it meant that afterwards we realized how much we truly love each other, we correct some of our flaws, grow stronger together, and then spend the rest of our lives together.

 

Breakups just really suck. One day you feel like you are doing great and the next you just realize that yesterday was a mirage.

[Hobbes]

No idea man, I'm sick of it. Can't shake it. Don't understand it and I've been in plenty of relationships but this one, ughhh I still can't believe it - makes no sense, she seemed so happy. Anyways I'm just repeating myself, it's well documented on here. The only thing that makes me feel better is when I meet other women but despite doing all the things one should do after a breakup I'm not able to put up a brave front and project some sense of self esteem and indifference to all this. She has really screwed me on this as I was so blindsided. I had started telling family and friends we had discussed engagement and that for the first time in my life I was genuinely happy. It's almost embarrassing. Ego is shattered as well as heart. I have a friend, ex colleague that talked to me and she said I need some sex friends but I think that will make me feel even more empty.

 

I hear you on the ups and downs, that's the real pain, you can be in a great place and want to tell the world about it but the wise ones that know you and people on here that don't really know you can sense what is coming tomorrow for you, right back down to earth and bottom of the pile. You and I both know what we need is time and embracing pain and not that *magical non existent* forward-wind button we pine for. I'm just so disappointed in her, everything that has happened is so not her at all, the guy she went to is the type of guy she hated 6 months ago and now she is with him night and day and I know she has thrown herself deeply into this and is in love - I would not be surprised if they have moved in together - so soon... Thinking about them having sex is something that is really blocking me and makes me feel ill. I'd like some help on that if anyone has any, all I think about is her having screaming orgasms and laughing at the thought of being intimate with me as everything is SO much better. I wish I didn't think about that, it crushes me every day. In terms of breakup phases I'm in deep depression, sorry to sound bleak but that's where it's at for me now.

[Nappyloxs]

I don't understand at all either. Like you, I been through breakups before. Two were hard, but they were so long ago. And when I use to date and even like a woman, if she called it off, I just moved on to the next one.

 

Like you I was blindsided. I have been re-running the argument over in my head for the last two days. I don't know why. I just have. I wish I just walked away. I usually do. I know you cannot talk to someone when they want to argue. She wanted to argue, I wanted to talk. She won. Like you, we had been talking about marriage. I told her that I just wanted to wait a while longer and that I couldn't afford it. The month of the breakup, I was really thinking of maybe discussing kids with her. One day, I had a thought that I really wanted us to start planning for a child. But I did not bring it up to her, because I knew we weren't financially ready.

 

Sex partner would be nice. My problem is I can go out and hit on women. That is not my problem. Its just a game to me. Its calling them. I don't feel like calling them. I don't want to talk to them. I just want her.

 

I am friends with my ex before her. She has been helping me in some ways. I trust her because she knows me better than most of my friends. She even tried to hook me up with one of her friends in another country! She constantly tells me my ex. was no good for me. That I deserve better. But she did not know how amazing my ex really was.

 

I feel like although my ex. had some flaws that I did not like, ie, not being supportive of me. I feel like I was the root of the problem. I talked about before how she read an email to an ex. and I said that I did not know if she was the one. I swear I lost a part of my ex. and did not show her she was really the one when I found out. I think if we got back together and I showed her how much I really do love her, then she would be supportive. She just has so many people saying how bad I was, that she forgets the truth.

 

I don't even think of her having sex with anyone. To be honest, I don't even think of when we had sex. I make sure to push that out of my thoughts. Its bad enough already.

 

I was depressed for weeks. I wish I could help you there. I have just been writing my thoughts down either here or in a journal. Getting my thoughts on paper helps. Other days I have just forced myself to accept its over. Although, it takes time to heal, we must also work at healing. Just try to write the thoughts down and force yourself to think of other things, it will slowly get you out of the depression. And maybe consider therapy. I haven't done it yet. But I want to. I just don't think they can tell me anything I don't know already.

[Clabs]

Nap

 

You will get through this bud - it is just a tough old road.

 

Some days it seems like you have made no progress but it is great that you are writing all your thoughts down because a) it can be very theraputic and b) it allows you to look back and see how low you really were, and that you HAVE made progress.

 

So far as therapy is concerned, I mostly think that there is nothing in therapy that you cannot learn on here. So long as you try and keep realistic about your situation.

 

Take care of yourself mate - sounds like you are walking down the right path to me

(Oh - and Hobbes too!)

 

Keep strong guys.

 

Mark

[Hobbes]

Thanks Mark, sure we will get through it but I reckon I will spend the rest of my life saying what the hell happened. You spend your whole life with someone who tells you they are insanely happy then they just vanish and don't answer anything as they are with someone else and you don't matter. 3 months now. It plays with your head in a bad way.

 

Anyways.. I guess I don't need that childish crap in my life. Still hurts tho.

[Hobbes]

I know a lot of people advocate for the dumper to vanish on here, especially if moving for another. Well I can tell you, it leaves the dumpee in limbo. I can understand it if it was a short relationship but after 4 years and you lived together for most of that? Please...

 

I know her game, she is trying to make me hate her and her decision so she feels less guilt.

[Clabs]

Thanks Mark, sure we will get through it but I reckon I will spend the rest of my life saying what the hell happened. You spend your whole life with someone who tells you they are insanely happy then they just vanish and don't answer anything as they are with someone else and you don't matter. 3 months now. It plays with your head in a bad way.

 

Anyways.. I guess I don't need that childish crap in my life. Still hurts tho.

 

I know fella - that is rough - very very harsh.

 

You will question things for quite some time, but with me, I had a weak moment (after quite a few months) - started crying and then got so cross and angry with myself for wasting so much time and emotion on someone who wasn't even in my life any more! I ended up laughing at myself!

 

You won't get answers that you are searching for - I looked for a long time and it was a waste of time.

 

They just want something else, or don't really know what they want at all and go rushing into something else.

 

As hard as it seems, my motto if someone breaks up with you then unless you were an abusive cheating monster, is to accept it with grace, turn around and start walking away in the opposite direction. It may be a lonely dark path at first but brighter skies are up ahead and you meet cool new people along the way.

 

If your ex decides that they made a mistake then they can see you in the distance but they have to run to catch you up. But if they are not prepated to run then you have disappeared out of sight and it is too late.

 

But if they are with someone else then all bets are off and you run forward - don't walk.

 

Know your worth. If someone is happy to break it off with you and jump so quickly elsewhere then that say's a lot about their character - or lack of it. Or even compassion - what happened to being kind in all this?

 

You need to keep walking forward fella. Leave behind people that are so gutless.

 

Mark

[newinvention]

Nap / Hobbes - I'm closing in on 3 weeks without her and 8 days NC...

 

I'm all over the damn place with this... One hour it's eff-her then next I'm sobbing because I want her to come back and why hasn't she called?

 

This is a serious pain-in-the-a$$! I too want this damned "love" feeling to just go the hell away already.

 

Hang in there.

[Clabs]

Hi Dave - HUGS to you bud. This poxy rollercoaster sucks @ss big time, eh?

 

Keep strong bud and cling to the good times you have. Those crappy feelings will soon be gone.

 

Support one another here and you will ALL get through it.

 

Mark

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks guys.

 

My situation different than Hobbes. My ex. just left after a bad fight. He said/she said type of deal. She said she was leaving, I said leave today. We were both just so angry with each other. Rational couples would walk away, maybe even take a day or two break, but not breakup.

 

My ex. was childish/immature. I know what her flaws are. Although, I am like why would I want to deal with it again, it because the relationship was really great.

 

My ex isn't seeing anyone right now. She is out there trying to date. But nothing serious as of today. It gives me false hope.

 

hobbes, my ex. before her cheated on me and left me for another guy. We were together two years and all two years I was madly in love with her. Turns out she only dated that guy for about three months. She came back to be after sometime, but not to reconcile but to be the shoulder to cry on. I was there for her, but at the same time that experience is what really made me get over her. I am friends with her today and she still has a piece of me, but I am glad out got out of that one. She was physically abusive though and even still is sometimes today from what she tells me. Just hang in there. The shock of another man is terrible. But like you said, you know you are better than he is. Just remember that.

 

My recent, she probably was verbally abusive. She would say just hurtful things. Things that a woman should not say to a guy. I never called her fat or said she gained weight. She wasn't heavy, but she gained some weight during our relationship, but I never ever said that to her. I never called her a b***h, or anything like that. I am sure I said something that upset her here and there, but I never intentionally put her down, attacked her feelings, etc... I usually walked away from her arguments or remarks. Why didn't on that day?? I'll never know.

[newinvention]

Thanks Clabs - it does help coming here no doubt.

 

I just keep getting this crushing weight (physically) every time I realize she's gone. I just wonder how she's going on... It wasn't left on bad terms. I just don't really get it - she really seemed to care about me, but I guess I was fooling myself.

 

I just want to get on with my life. I've never been alone and it kinda' scares the crap out of me. I know any attempt by me to find someone else right now would just be to take away the pain I'm facing now and I don't want to do that to myself or anyone else. I just wish I could get to the point where I'm comfortable with myself.

[Hobbes]

Hey Mark, thanks for that - I haven't cried in 2 months and have just about done the laughing at oneself thing. I agree looking for answers seems futile.

 

"But if they are with someone else then all bets are off and you run forward - don't walk."

 

That's what I thought too, this is why I don't even bother trying to contact, there's no point but that is a huge blow to me to be replaced so easily.

 

Just so disappointed I guess.

 

Anyways have a nice evening and cheers for the chat.

 

loxs - behave! You are doing good man.

[Nappyloxs]

Nap / Hobbes - I'm closing in on 3 weeks without her and 8 days NC...

 

I'm all over the damn place with this... One hour it's eff-her then next I'm sobbing because I want her to come back and why hasn't she called?

 

This is a serious pain-in-the-a$$! I too want this damned "love" feeling to just go the hell away already.

 

Hang in there.

 

I'm all over the place too. At around the 2-4 week mark, I went insane. Texts/calls/facebook messages (FB was the worst). I wrote to sisters and parents to apologize that we broke up and that she is now in a different state because of me.

 

It took me months to realize that I just love her and to just breath. I am allowing myself to love her. At times early on, I tried to fight it. Why love her, etc....?

 

My problem use to be control, I would write and she wouldn't respond. I use to feel like if only we could talk, I could "control" it and we would be back together. I don't mean control her, but I could make the conversation go my way. I could get her to see things from my view. As I said before my ex. is easily influenced, not always by me, but sometimes.

 

Having been through this twice before. (although I don't necessary follow my own advice). They will call when they are ready. I would rather my ex call me and tell me she learned from the last two month, instead of me sweet talking her back. If she ever comes back, I want it to be real and different.

We broke up last year for a few months. Mainly off and on every week for 6 months. But neither of us "learned" anything from that experience. We just really didn't want to let go. I learned this time around. It took me two weeks. Maybe it will take her 3 months, maybe it will take her a year and another guy. But in my experience, they usually call. Ask yourself, what do you really want to her though if she calls? Making up and reconciling are two completely different animals.

[newinvention]

Nap - I don't even know what I really want I guess. I've thought about that too - I mean, I'd love to go back to the "happy place" we were in, but can that happen? I'm not sure... She's a total mess too - her life is constant stress and go go go and she hasn't healed from her divorce completely. I don't know...

 

I'd probably be too afraid of getting back with her for fear of losing her again... messed up brother.

[Hobbes]

We broke up last year for a few months. Mainly off and on every week for 6 months. But neither of us "learned" anything from that experience. We just really didn't want to let go. I learned this time around. It took me two weeks. Maybe it will take her 3 months, maybe it will take her a year and another guy. But in my experience, they usually call. Ask yourself, what do you really want to her though if she calls? Making up and reconciling are two completely different animals.

 

Yea we did that too, she left me out of the blue and came back several hours later crying and begging for us to try again. Really bad move as we didn't work on anything in the end.

 

Dave you are right, you can't just go back to that place. Nor should you, I know this now. If it happens for you, you have to go slow and it's babysteps all the way. Trust is out of the window. I'm not really into grudges though, if I was I would probably be better at all this.

[Nappyloxs]

There is no going back my friend. There is just moving forward either with them or without them.

 

My relationship (I thought) was great. But if we ever got back together, things would have to change. More hobbies, more going out, more talking, more more more.

 

Hang in there. You'll figure it out. I went from not wanting my ex. to wanting her so badly to now where I know the truth is that we both have to change.

 

Its like the saying both people have to want to be in the relationship and takes one to end it. Find what you want, find peace in that you may not get it. It like that toy we wanted as kids, some we got; others we didn't. I want my ex. back, I cannot lie about it, but I am learning to live with the reality that she not coming back. And I am at peace with it. It sucks, but I am at peace.

 

You'll get there. It just takes a lot of thinking and ups and downs.

[Nappyloxs]

Nap

 

You will get through this bud - it is just a tough old road.

 

Some days it seems like you have made no progress but it is great that you are writing all your thoughts down because a) it can be very theraputic and b) it allows you to look back and see how low you really were, and that you HAVE made progress.

 

So far as therapy is concerned, I mostly think that there is nothing in therapy that you cannot learn on here. So long as you try and keep realistic about your situation.

 

Take care of yourself mate - sounds like you are walking down the right path to me

(Oh - and Hobbes too!)

 

Keep strong guys.

 

Mark

 

Thanks

 

Writing is the best for me. Honestly, I think my friends/family are tired of me talking about her. I don't blame them. It feels like I keep saying the same things over again in different ways. But writing just lets me get it all out. And if one day, she comes back, I will remember the pain I went through, the lessons I learned, and what I hope she learned. If she doesn't, I have a journal to remind myself what it is to love someone for the next woman.

 

Definitely writing a journal is right up there with NC.

[Nappyloxs]

PS Just wanted to say thanks guys

 

This has really helped me today. I was falling in a rut thinking about how much I still love her. You guys have helped me from letting it get to me.

 

Thanks

[Hobbes]

I think anyone we end up with are going to be very lucky indeed. I certainly will go into my next relationship knowing that communication is THE most important thing bar none, this has been the biggest lesson of all for me. I will never be able to put anyone (myself included) through this, once you see it from both sides like this there is no going back. Sure we may have more failures but i will never be like this. At least for me.

 

Thanks to you all as well, once you talk about it a bit and share some thoughts, things seem better. I had a nap and feel better. Now if I can just sort out the insomnia I will be somewhere back to normal. Fell asleep at 9 am today, not good. (naps don't help this I know)

[dandan78]

I know I haven't contributed but I just wanted to say thanks as well.

 

Today was a big step for my healing and this thread has helped.

 

Cheers guys

[newinvention]

Guys - It's helped me a ton too - even though I just scraped myself back up again. There's a lot of comfort in knowing that this is a human thing that transcends borders, cultures and more.

 

I am still longing, aching for my ex, but have started to let go some or at least face things for what they are now. It's so crazy the games that this plays with your head - I almost called my ex-wife looking for comfort and she is just plain evil

 

It's hard to patient and sit with this feeling. I don't drink, or use drugs - kinda wish I had that to fall back on though right now (JOKE)

 

My family too thinks I'm a big freakin' dope about all this - they don't get it. They have there happy marriages and I think it scares the * * * * out of them to think of ever facing what we're facing now.

 

God speed...

[Nappyloxs]

Hey guys, just want to vent some more to you.

 

So I went out on a "date." Nothing special. The good things was I did not talk about my ex. or think about her during it. I did keep looking over my shoulder as if I was cheating.

 

My problem is that since the breakup I have been going out. During the relationship, we did not go out much. She either never wanted to do anything I suggested, like an alumni dinner, charity dinner, wedding, or even hand out with friends. (FYI, the first 3 she had a great time at). She rarely recommended we do anything. So if she went out it was with the girls and I would pick her up at the end of the night. Part of the reason we did not do much, was because I used being broke as an excuse. Since the breakup, business, ironically, picked up. Now I have some money to spend. So like last night I spent money on this random girl who I really had no interest in. I just wish I could have spent it on her because we would have had a better time. I wasn't a lot of money or anything, but its still I wish I could just do little things with her.

[newinvention]

Nappy - right there with ya... Our 1 year anniversary would have been coming up next week. I'm in 10 days of NC now and am toying with the idea of sending her flowers or something (no card - no name) just to mark the date - regardless of the loss I feel now, she is still very special to me and I want to express that. Should I? Bad idea? I'm not really doing it (or maybe I am) to get a response - I don't really think I am... AAAAHHH!

[Nappyloxs]

I sent my ex. flowers twice after the breakup.

 

First time, I don't even know if she got them.

 

Second time, she rejected them. The flower lady was a sweet elderly lady. She called my ex. to make sure she was home. Ex. blew up on her. Lady told me she was pissed and that she tried not to say they were from me, but ex. was yelling at her. I felt so bad for the lady. I apologized to her that she had to go through that.

[newinvention]

Nappy - sorry don't mean to laugh - maybe it's stress, but I can't stop laughing right now... Poor old lady! Maybe I should think twice about the flowers