What to do now?!?

[The Capitan]

So its my birthday today and my ex calls (its been one month since she wanted to be "care-free" at the end of college after 2 years of long distance). We have not spoken on the phone in 2 weeks, and I just emailed her back from an email she wrote me a week ago. I have not called her once this entire time, and she has called me about 4 times (but as I said, none recently). So, she tells me happy birthday, then there is kind of a lull in the conversation, then I try to pick it up and be happy and excited and she starts to tell me about what a wonderful amazing time she is having at the end of college -- how its like "summer camp"...how basically all the girls she is living with have broke up with their long term boyfriends and are all hooking up with other people in this group of guys that they are all hanging out with (of course didn't mention herself, but can't help but let my mind wander a little on that one). So, I laugh, tell her it sounds awesome, tell her its great to hear she is having a great time..tell her very briefly and in not much detail about things going on in my life (fairly boring, actually -- perhaps the reason for lack of detail Talked a little about her family, jobs she is looking for in the summer...she also tells me she stayed in last night and had a long girl talk with one of her friends who is having issues with her break up and new hook up...anyway, I keep it light and fun, feeling that the conversation got progressively better but that it really seems like we are in two different worlds right now -- feel very disconnected from her, which is hard on conversation and it something that I hate..So at the end, I couldn't help but say thanks for calling and it was nice to talk to her, and she responded with the same, then said that I should "really give (her) a call sometime"...I said I would, she said to enjoy the rest of my birthday and then, lightly, I said bye and hope to talk to her soon.

I have tried not to contact her, but not that she said that to me, maybe I should in a little while? I still get screwed up a little after I talk to her, but maybe it is better if she could hear my voice more..I don't know. She sounds really happy...one more month till her graduation...maybe I should just follow my gut on this one...advice pleeease. This hurts so much...

[Ash]

It's not a terrible situation. Here's why (in my opinion)

 

Generally, when you meet somebody new, you want to tell everybody you meet about them, to a point. Your ex is not doing this. Had she met another guy she's really fond of, she'd have likely mentioned it to you, because she'd be happy, and would want you to be happy for her. I'm not saying for sure she's not with another guy, but I am saying there's a very good chance she isn't.

 

If she is dating then, it probably is just casual.

 

She did seem to specifically exclude herself each time, and at that same time she notes that she talks to her female friends, but doesn't mention the guys. Again, where going out of not, she is aware of your feelings and is taking care not to trample on them. Again, this is a good sign. It doesn't even sound like she slipped up. Which to me means that she's taking care with you, and whatever might really be happening, that's a good sign.

 

Give it some serious thought, and if you can convince yourself you can handle some bad news (i.e. she's met somebody else, not interested in you in that way etc.) then give her a call as she suggested. Perhaps she's trying to find a way back, it's really hard to say.

 

You never said what your gut says, you just wondered whether you should follow it? Whatever it says, you should, because if you don't, then there are always nagging doubts, and the "why didn't I when I had the chance" internal arguments. Just prepare for the worst, and hope it doesn't come to that. If you try again and fail, at least you'll know. If you don't, it might bug you, and the end result is the same as a failed attempt anyway. So perhaps you really have nothing to lose, if that's what you're thinking. As long as she's willing to hear from you, it won't hurt her, from the sounds of it. Take care to protect your feelings, but like I said, if you do nothing you'll never have known anyway.

[The Capitan]

Thanks for the reply...my gut reaction was to contact her -- not immediately, but maybe in a few days.

So today, I receive 2 forms of contact from her, one being an email this morning and the other being a birthdaycard/letter (written before I emailed this past friday and before the phone call). The email was upbeat, asking me all about what I did on my birthday and such, and at the end reiterated that I should "call (her) sometime!"

Then the letter...basically, condensed, it said everything I had figured out a month ago about her feelings which, at that time, lead me to say that we should take time apart from each other. She stated that she let things run away in her head that things were getting too serious and she was feeling claustrophobic, that she is 21 and I am, wow, now 26 by 1 day, and that right now is the time for her to have fun before having to be serious, the time for her to experience different things and make mistakes, and to imagine what it would be like to have the feelings I have now at 21 in the situation at the end of college that she is in. She said that right now she is allowing herself to have more fun than she has ever had, and that the most important thing to her is to "be with her friends before they all leave this place". She wrote she can't tell me how long this will take and that she can't predict how she will feel in the future...but that she does love me, think about me, and misses me, and that "every day" she thinks about what I have given to her (this space right now), and how amazing it is that I did that...that she never wanted to hurt me and that she can only hope that I can forgive her.

 

Man, even though I knew most of this, I was feeling good after the phone convo and the email, and reading this brought me way down. I guess this doesn't have to be taken in a bad way, and when she graduates in less than a month and moves back home, things will be very different for her, but I don't know if I can think that way...

 

I almost feel as if I am getting mixed messages. She knew what she wrote and that I would be receiving it, and it also seems that hearing my voice again after 2 weeks and having a good conversation may have sparked some feelings of missing me in her...I don't know.

 

What to do now? I feel I need to keep contact, and even perhaps more frequently now that I think she may be missing me a little after the phone call (not to mention her 2x request). I don't want to loose that by giving being too stand-offish. Do you think she is just trying to have it both ways right now? I don't know...

 

Advice..anyone..please!!!

[Ash]

In a way, I think she is right to do what she is. Now is the time in her life to live it up, experience what it's like to be single. I made the mistake of not doing that when I was younger, it cost me my marriage.

 

Perhaps she intends to come back, perhaps she doesn't. But again, I'll point out it's not about another guy, and she isn't looking for anything serious.

 

If you can bear it, perhaps you want to stay in contact, and cross your fingers. She's not lost to you, not yet. She's not trying to get away. As she says, she may just need some time.

 

Other than that, I'm not sure what to say. It can be tough, really tough, to let go, and think in terms of meeting somebody new, but don't resist that if it happens.

 

Good luck.