I'm in love, with the other woman

[bbanzai]

I was in the process of rethinking my engagement to a woman because I wasn't sure if I really loved her. Then, she got pregnant. Getting married seemed the right thing to do at the time, and I figured that I would probably "grow into" the loving relationship.

 

Fast-forward 12 years to present day. I feel that our marriage is dead. I still care for my wife as a person, but I don't love her anymore. And if she loves me at all, it doesn't really show. For example, she has never been a very passionate person - somewhat cold and distant (appears to run in her family). I am very passionate and believe that intimacy is a vital part of the marriage, whereas she has never enjoyed even kissing beyond a token peck on the lips. Recently, things have deteriorated further. We have had literally no physical contact since June '02, and even before that, all she wanted was quick missionary-style-only intercourse (no kissing, no foreplay, no oral sex, no just-laying-around-in-bed).

 

There is another woman (former co-worker) that I have always liked quite a lot. We seemed to "click" from day 1 (a feeling I never really have had in my marriage) and became very fond of each other. She left my company 2 years ago but we have kept in touch. I recently saw her perform in a theatrical production, and went to a cast party with her afterwards. That day was an epiphany for me, as I realized that over the time that I've known her, how I felt about her had grown so strong. I realized that day that she was the one I truly loved. An amazing, all-consuming kind of love I've never known before. In the most intense, emotion-filled conversation I have ever had, she said she felt the same way about me. Neither of us want to have an affair. We want to give this situation the best hope of success possible.

 

I am now looking at my current status with a renewed and recharged interest in resolving it, and am trying to determine what to do. I have two daughters, both of whom I love dearly. I want to minimize all issues that will come up with regard to them. I also have no interest in any material gain from this. My wife can have the house, money, everything.

 

I feel that the time has come to end the charade of our long since extinct marriage while there is still time for some good to come out of it for all involved. I can't imagine staying in this stagnant arrangement any longer.

 

Any ideas of how to approach this?

[Dazed Confused]

I'll tell you what advice I have been given, but have as of yet been able to follow. If your serious about going into this new relationship 100%, stop all contact with her until you are legally separated. I guess it really comes down to this, if your going to leave your wife, don't do it for another woman, because you can never be sure what the longterm outcome will be. I only wish I could follow this advice myself.

 

I commend you on your commitment to your children, mine are one of the only things keeping me from walking out the door...

[jujigatame]

This type of situation breaks my heart. It sounds like divorce may be your best option. Go with what your heart says. You may want to see the advice I gave D&C, also. Follow his link.

[cookies]

yes, these are some sad situations ppl find themselves in. When the love is lost in our marriges, and we lack the love and attention we need from our spouses, when it comes to us from outside sources,...it does cause a further wedge in the marriage...

 

To make the right decision is the main thing you are facing right now. I divorced because of infidelity and unfaithfulness among tens of other reasons, and altho you are not in love with ur wife, you will be headed down the road to "infidelity" if you become intimate with the other woman while still married. If there is something special, thats meant to be between you and the other woman...please continue to abstain from sexual encounters as best you can, and u will cherish her just that more when u can finally be with her,...while remaining loyal and not commit adultery on your present wife... Its always worth the wait...

 

The longer you allow yourself to be stuck in this situation, the longer it takes everyone involved to heal, NOT just you...and its not fair to your wife, that you are coming home to her daily, as if there is No one else..and all along you are loving and caring for this other woman, more and more...when u should be giving this love to your wife..regardless of the situation at home..you ARE married...

 

Its NOT fair to your wife, to think everything is ok, when it isnt. You know that you are not in love with her, but yet have your cake and eat it too.

Love is a beautiful thing, and as ive said b4,..i would never encourage anyone to leave their spouse,...however when the love has lived out its course in its entirety, and resurfaced elsewhere...i find myself longing for and drawn to retreat to where my heart fills fulfiled. A new a sense of belonging...

 

If you plan on leaving, please do not leave your wife for another woman..which would be the case. Remain loving friends with the other woman, even months after u sepearate, to ensure your reasoning for leaving has nothing to do with the other woman. But because this is the RIGHT decision for your happiness and your family overall. Dont establish the beginning of a pattern (leaving one woman 4 another) that may surface again in the future. Although love may have died, and there is nothing there...you are still married to a human being, your wife.

 

Children are involved, and you want the best for them..just ensure that you and your wife talk about your situation, and dont just hit them all of a sudden with this. Immediately, if you leave your wife, and they find out you have another women in ur bed if they call you, can be devistating and may cause hardships in ur relationship with your children and xwife. If there is any tension in ur marriage, the kids will and already DO suffer, weather you realize it or not...

 

good luck, and i wish u the best of happiness..

 

cookies

[bbanzai]

Hey D&C, jujigatame, and cookies,

 

Thanks for the excellent advice from all of you! I followed the D&C trail and found it to be quite enlightening. The 'other woman' actually suggested the idea of cutting off contact with me for a minimum of 3 months, so that I can make whatever decisions I make with a clear (relatively speaking) head. At first I didn't like the idea, but now I realize the wisdom of being able to focus on a decision of this magnitude without the extra stress. We both agreed that if its going to happen, we want to start from a clean, no-strings-attached starting point.

 

I've been considering the question of "would I leave this marriage if it weren't for the other woman?". I think the answer is that this marriage should be over in any case, and the other woman was the catalyst that brought me to the realization. However, if this marriage ends up being over, and things don't work out with the other woman (no guarantees!), then one has to decide if it was worth it.

I think this is a key question anyone in my situation (or similar et. al.) needs to answer!

[foamybaby]

Hi, I am the other woman in my relationship. I can tell you from experience to split with your wife first.

 

 

My relationship started with a few after work chats in the car which got later and later because I found this amazing person with whom I had so much in common. He was married with three children, the youngest being his only, and I knew this when I got involved little did I know of the lonliness and the pain it would cause me.

 

I was in a steady relationship to which I ended when I realised I didn't love him anymore I'd found something better, someone just like me that I wanted to so desperately touch and kiss whenever I saw him.

 

 

But he was still living there, unhappily, arriving in from work then going straight out so as not to be with her. Ringing me crying on the way home saying he loved me, wanted to be with me but he wasn't strong enough to do it. Then there were the nights where she'd have a drink and try to seduce him, he'd leave and call me and tell what happened and I'd say she's your wife you have to do whatever you feel right, knowing he could be walking back into that house to sleep with her while I was tucked up in bed alone thinking about it, not sleeping for thinking about it.

 

Then he said he felt he wanted to leave and I was over the moon we found him a flat to rent and he left her. Things went well for a couple of weeks at a time we had occasional moments of not knowing what the other was thinking and not wanting to ask incase it was something to do with the other parties.

 

 

Then he was struck by guilt, one night he said we needed to talk and he said he loved me and he didn't want to be without me but he felt guilty and felt like they should try for the sake of the kids. I told him kids are no reason to try they grow up and leave then you are left with the stagnant marriage and you should never have to try to be in love with someone. He went home and didn't last a weekend, she tried to touch his leg and he'd pulled away and it had caused holy hell. But all the while he was telling me he loved me and didn't want me to hate him.

 

 

This has happened a few times now and me being the idiot, keep saying I'll still be here if it doesn't work I love you I know we're meant to be. But everytime it happens I find myself getting upset rather than angry and this feeling of resentment is always with me, I'm second best. He tells me of the horrible things she does and says and why he left in the first place, and yet he still choses it over me. And I've sat in tears, staring at him in the eyes willing myself to hate him, willing myself not to cry but it never happens. It's always me that ends up hurt, and lonely and thinking about everything that goes on in his life that doesn't include me and most nights I dont sleep, I cant eat and I cry until it makes me physically ill. But then every time he comes back I'm still here and I'm still fighting for him because when I'm with him I've never been so happy.

 

 

Lonely but in love

[Heatrae]

I struggle to NOT be the other wowman, but my married man is desperately in love with and I with him. He is married in a miserable marriage of 12 years, two kids 4 and 8. I am a believer in living as honestly as one can. I left my husband in January because I had fallen out of love with him and in love with "B". So, partly I was hoping my separation would send B down the same path even though we were not actively seeing each other. It's now May. He and his wife fight constantly, he won't stay away from me when we see each other at work. He's in love with me and NOT with his wife. He feels tremendous guilt. I ask you, men, is it ht eguilt that keeps you there at this point? I mean, B is miserable, his wife is miserable- she makes great money- joint custody woulnd't be an issue. AND B has the woman of his dreams single and ready to be with him. Whay won't he leave. Please help me to understand. He has told me she will have to be the one to do it, but when she caught him at my house in April, she tried to throw him out. He refused saying he's not going anywhere, he's there for his children- not for her. She said FINE! IN the past he as said it would be a big fight. Then he convinced himself it would be a dialogue about the demise of their marriage. He had both those kinds of opportunities and hasn't left. I have begun to lose respect for him, but we are just hanging in the air here. I need a man's perspective...please tell me what is happening with this man!

[av8ion]

Whether you realize it or not--your actions are going to profoundly effect everyone--your kids included.

 

I think--before you do anything you should read "When love dies - how to save a hopeless marraige" by Judy Bodmer

 

And***** you should go and see a family therapist (by yourself) who will explain to you that your feelings are anything but unique. That your temporary rush for this new person will fade because is chemicals and hormones created by nature and meant to aid in procreation. That your new realtionship will eventually loose that burst you're high on--because real life will sink in after the secret is out--there will still be life and problems to deal with. That your new lover will not trust and respect you--because the stats don't lie. That relationships started in deciet sow massive seeds of distrust--on both sides. Will she trust you in the long run? And--will you trust her? How seriously does she take marriage? If she is running around with someone else's husband--you can bet she doesn't take it too seriously. And are you comparing her to your wife? Do you know this is a classic form of rationalization, one that proceeds to all sorts of character breakdowns? I mean really--if you spent your time working on putting the spark back in your marraige instead of convincing yourself that you are a victim and this new lady is your rescuer--well, I think you'd be better off.

 

 

I've been in your shoes. Don't wake up where I did. If you do--you're gonna be lost and far from home. And it will take much more work to get back home than it will fix this mess now. And by fixing it--I mean growing up and understanding that love is about much more than your grion and how good this new gal makes you feel (did you know this is chemical too--a hormone released in the beginning of all new realtiionships, especially secret ones--and some scientists say it's as adictive as morphine?). Love is all about putting someone else's needs above your own--BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT THEM. Seeking pleasure despite the costs--to your children if no one else--IS NOT LOVE, IT IS LUST. Love is a behavior, not just an emotion. Lust will trick you--it will decieve you--it will cheat you.

 

Believe it or not--this is all written in good will. But it's something you need to read.

[perhaps]

Wow. I like what you have to say. Wish I could add more but am in a reading mode. But what you said moved me.

[SevenTeen]

I realize some of these posts are sort of old, but I have been reading all over the internet about the situation in which I have put myself. I have just had the most exciting and depressing and unique (to me) month of my life. Let me give you a brief history...

 

I have worked very closely with a man for several years. I was attracted to him initially but filed him in the off limits folder because he was married with children. However, I realized one day that I was in love with him. He was perfect for me and it was so unfair because after all my years of searching for the perfect person for me, here he was but already committed to another life. I tried harder than anyone can imagine to ignore and get over my feelings for him. I never told him, of course, and I assumed he had nothing but platonic feelings for me anyway. I never once wished he would leave his wife and family for me. I never once wanted to be the other woman. I just suffered in silence for years, trying to date, etc. But one day last month, out of the blue, he confesses he's in love with me and has been for quite some time.

 

And guess what? I fooled myself into believing that our situation was different than any other potential extra marital affair situation. That it wasn't sex or lust or anything "wrong." He didn't love his wife, he loved me. And I loved him. And he didn't want to leave his children for fear of them hating him. So, against all sanity and alram bells going off in my head, I let this guy move right in with me. We had a few perfect weeks together.

 

And I came to my senses and told him to either go back to his family or get his own place to figure out what he wanted before using me as his exit door. To my shock, he agreed and said he wanted to give his marriage one last chance for the sake of his children. I was devastated. Then I realized I was upset because I wanted him to talk me out of a good decision.

 

I am not really ok now, but I am healing. I still have to work with him and my moods range from hating him to loving him to wanting to just be his best friend again, to wanting to be his lover no matter the short or long-term costs. It's a roller coaster I don't want to ride, but am scared to get off.

 

Ok, so it's not a brief history, but there it is.