Not the average relationship nor breakup

[Rabbitrabbits]

I didn't consider writing on here myself instead of just reading other stories and advice. But seeing as how I've read up to page 37 in a very helpful thread I thought I might post my story too. I've gained much insight and comfort from reading and I've compiled a 10 page document of the highlights of the thread. I've only read and reread the first page of the doc so far as it's very potent. But maybe typing out my feelings for interested disinterested parties (people who care enough to reply but aren't emotionally involved and invested) who have provided comfort to others would also help me more than just reading their words. P.S. If you come back to the board Zorba then your posts are really well written and insightful. You are my new god (I found the thread by searching for the threads with the most replies. No idea why (The thread was Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship if anyone's wondering))

 

Okay my story is complicated. Isn't everything to do with love I don't want to tell too much as I feel it would be disrespecting her privacy even through it will of course be under different names. Or maybe that's just my subconscious trying to stop me dredging up too much hurt. Either way I'll try to keep it brief, even through I suspect once I start it will flow quite a bit (words not tears)

 

It's was a long distance relationship with an age gap to boot (she's the older one) We were together for fourteen months and while I'm not the best indicator of how close we were (my confidence has been dashed) I still think she was close to me. We spent a lot of time talking and chatting to each other. By instant messenging, text messages, email, post and skype. She started her own shop around February which took a lot of her time and made her very tired. But still on average of the entire time we talked one and a half hours a day, spread over the day (some days a lot more than others) We were each others best friends. We comforted each other during times of stress and enjoyed doing things together (as much as you can over webcam). The distance was a problem but still it was joyous to sleep with each other via a headset (silly yes but special still the same). When we met she was still suffering from been broken up with around two months before. I wasn't as knowledgeable as I am know but I spent time with her and slowly our hearts grew to each other. I enjoyed all of her, good and bad. She told me how she had trusted her heart to this person and they had broken that trust. So she now had layers to protect her and she would only let me in so far as she didn't want to get hurt again. I accepted this but thought I was moving closer when at around the three month mark she started to say I love you. Obviously it progressed further in the 11 months that followed and that is why I find it hard to understand what happened next.

 

 

She told me about a person who emailed her about her blog. How they were very complimentary and they started talking a lot. And how she can see herself having a life together forever with him. She said all this without even apologising or breaking up with me. I don't understand how someone can call you "dearest love" but not realise the pain they can put another through by doing that. I thought their age and maturity was higher than that. Yes there was an age gap. Quite a big one and she was afraid what people would say even through she wasn't with me because of my age.

 

About the age gap. I never felt that was a problem. I've read of it mostly been an issue when the two people want to do different things. But as said before I'm different from most my age and I honestly don't. I suspect now it was a problem for her. She's not one who actively seeks younger people and the person she left me for is older than her. There was the distance problem. But the person she's with now is the exact same distance away and in the exact same country as me. But despite my age (21, her's is 36) I would have thought that her views (and all she ever said made me think that too) that she would have been a lot closer to my view that relationships have different phases and they might have their downs but they have ups too and you just need to try and compromise working things out and then if things don't work.Split up. Heal and improve yourself. Then search out another more compatible person. Not just find someone else (no matter if you weren't searching) and fall in love with them without even breaking it off with one who deeply cares for you.

 

I've been diagnosed with asperger's but it only affects me in certain ways. I'm not good at talking to people off the cuff and being touched. But if I trust and love you I'm extremely deep and caring and can write my emotions out well. I crave affection and touch like everyone else, I just need to trust before I can be healed by it. I gave my trust to her. I don't understand how one who by textbook definition should be wiser and more mature could do this.

 

There are still things it affects and in many way's I'm socially behind those my age. I retreated from the world for a few years because of bullying and depression, but I'm working on that and making great strides and in a lot of emotional respects I far outpace my weaknesses and that's why I'm able to be friends and share advice with those in a different generation.

 

 

 

 

 

It's been exactly six weeks since she told me (not that I'm counting, I looked it up in the calendar for this post) and I'm doing much much better than when it first happened. I think of her in an emotionless way during my gooddays but every now and then maybe once a day, sometimes more, sometimes less I still get quite sad for a while. In fact typing this and researching my brain for the facts to write it has put my in quite of a funk again. Yaaay On a serious note writing it out again (I wrote a lot to myself during the first month and her during the first two weeks I'm not proud to say) may help me heal even through it's not the best in the short term.

 

I can accept not having her and even if she were to come back I'm now at the stage where I'd have the strength to see if she's made changes to and would work to make sure it didn't happen again. I don't rationally think she will as her actions are so different than the words she has said over the course relationship. But still being human I of course have the spark and wish of hope.

 

I'm working on keeping busy and improving myself but it still hits me sometimes. That's why I'm posting it here. I accept I'll never get a satisfactory answer but still sometimes I ask myself them again and again.

 

Part of it I'm sure is the hurt of being rejected. But also another part is having so many questions that the answers just won't make sense too. I'm well on my way to not caring but are obviously still here. Hence the post.

 

I thought it was them hurting and not their usual self that made them so different. But now I don't know. Does anyone have any thoughts on it?

 

 

A few specific events in the weeks after her telling I just need to express.

I said goodbye because I was feeling down and wanted to express how despite feeling better when they were there. I felt emptier and hurt more than before after they left. For some reason they don't like that word. They told me again how they didn't like the word and I told her I knew but I felt the word best described how I felt and I was only going to say it that once. Then she got childish? Or was she just hurting? She said that's okay you hurt so much I deserve it. I said you don't. Then she said say it. I still refused so she typed my username then Goodbye to simulate me saying it before logging off. I don't really understand her in these times now.

 

 

She seemed so mature and had a way of resolving problems. But now. I don't know. I suppose it could be possible to meet someone and in a short amount of time know you want to spend your life with them. But really it sounds like a rebound, or similar since she let things progress with him instead of breaking it off with me first. Saying I love you in so short of time. Being so sure. I know there's a possibility that it's true but I still feel a bit sad for her and for me as well that there's a chance it won't last. I really don't understand why they don't see the signs that I've read mentioned here. They always seemed so mature and rational yet not to the point of compromising her magical spirit.

 

Now all this what I'm writing makes me seem more obsessed with it than I am. Maybe I am on a subconscious level But consciously it only affects me maybe once every few days when I get down. Other times I think but with a better control of negative thoughts and don't harp on it like I am on this post.

 

She says that I'm not emotionally ready. She being older and more experienced I'm tempted to believe her. But there are things pointing and nagging to the contrary. I know there's a lot to a relationship but despite my age I'm committed to one and understanding to as what it takes. I know it has it's up's and downs but I firmly believe if there's a problem you should work it out together.

 

I've been through emotional hell due to events in my life, but still it doesn't bring me down. I have no desire to return to it nor inflict it on another. By this I mean in many ways I'm different but with that comes a greater understanding of emotions despite my problems. I seem to be friends mostly with those much older (and wiser?) than myself. Maybe that's a flaw and sign of my emotional immaturity but I don't know.

 

All I know is what she's done seems to run contrary to what she said and it hurts. I know I shouldn't waste time and thought on her seeing as how she can be trite (is she or is it my emotions saying so)

 

Hopefully writing this and the replies will help. It brings up a bit of hurt to think of it and research enough to compose text to do it justice but hopefully the stuff I've dug up in my psyche writing will fade within the hour. Yay I'm getting over it (would have been a lot worse just two weeks ago so thankfully I'm making some progress)

 

Her reaction to everything is showing another side of her. Not a mean or necessarily bad one. But one that makes me pause in thought. Sigh I don't know.

 

I don't know what question I'm asking in this post. I guess I just want to express myself and if at all possible understand. I might want to know if there would be any hope for the future with her, but writing this has set my mood down so I don't know (post anyway if you have any thoughts of course)

 

Do any of the wiser members of the board understand why she is doing this. I still believe she believes in working through things despite her actions. Madness yet, but I was in love see. Okay enough joking to cover the pain. I am and will work on getting better without her. But the post I mentioned at the start has made me think maybe she'll realise her mistake in time and the new person isn't the wondrous complete match she thinks he is. I realise I will only prolong my pain by remaining with hope but I'm really trying to understand her actions.

 

When she told me I went through the stages. I wrote her poems and stories. Begged? Maybe not literally but close. I've been trying no contact. When I tried first she emailed she missed me and I caved. She said other things which literally confuse me.

Here's some of them;

 

I wish I could answer your call and have it be the right decision for me and ultimately you. Loving a person is a unique experience.No one has ever loved me quite the way you do, nor will they. It was a beautiful gift to be loved by you, X. I'm so sorry I had to return it.

 

Precious memories, precious soul. Not for me. * Who has lost more?Me, I think. Yet can't turn aside from the path I've chosen.

 

What do i say to fathomless hurt. How do i heal an infinite breech? How do i fix what i broke. X oh X. How i miss you. I cannot go back. I cannot change what has happened. I miss you.

 

Before I did no contact we would start creating snuggling sms stories like we used to because it offers comfort when she's over tired. She would still want to spend heaps of time with me. I would feel better while doing but afterwards I'd just hurt. I told her this and tried no contact but failed. Anyway I did it again the next time for 5 days. Then she IM's me saying she misses me and is listening to sad songs and maybe they'd help me. I talked but was brief. She left without saying anything after I didn't reply much. After another 5 days and finding this forum I sent one last email as I didn't tell her I was re-establishing no contact. (I know I was probably looking for any excuse) The advise in the thread seemed to be more mature and explain how it was for the both of us. I told her that and not to worry about me (she sms' me sometimes saying she worries about me) and told her some of the life improving things I'm doing and working on.

 

She hasn't responded and I won't contact her back. I will try and keep as much distance as I can to heal and get over her. I still love her but what can I do. If she comes back and agrees to work on things for the betterment then great. I don't carry much hope but this is my first love so I don't have a precedent. Any thoughts from the people who haven't fallen asleep during my lengthy post?

[offplanet]

Rabbit its a hard thing to accept, but you might never know the reasons why she's left you, and you have to be able to live with not knowing the reasons, in depth at least. You have to move on without necessarily getting an explanation which satisfies you. There might not be one which satisfies you. There might only be a crappy explanation. She might not want to fully explain all her reasons. She might not truthfully tell you. But you still have to move on from her, and hopefully not let her keep contacting you 'because she's worried about you'. That's not fair of her, because it keeps your wounds open.

 

I guess you probably did mean a lot to her, and she might miss what you had, but that doesn't mean she might come back. You can miss someone but still not want to be with them any more. Internet relationships can be extremely intense and fulfilling, but a person can change towards you for not particularly deep or profound reason. And nobody is indispensable in cyberland, because there are so many other options out there, to choose from, especially for a female, and especially for a female who seeks comfort in her insecurity. If one person can give her that satisfaction, more than one can do it even better... one after another, or more than one at the same time.

 

I'm guessing that she gained a lot from you, but underlying that was an uneasiness about the age difference, which doesn't matter so much online, but would still bother her in the cold light of day. So when she met someone nearer to her in age, that was a big plus for her. Later on, she might feel a bit embarassed with herself that she got so involved with someone as young as you.

 

Just being realistic, she's only likely to contact you for some temporary comfort type of thing, and then leave you again. She might not mean to be as callous as that sounds, but thats all it would amount to. I hope you don't fall into that trap, because it will be nice for her, but very counterproductive for you. You need to look after yourself now, not her. She's old enough to look after herself. The best you can do is cherish the memory of the months you spent with her, but as being in the past, not as being a future hope. There will be another girl out there who would benefit from your caring, but keep in mind that any girl will get lots of offers and temptations out there in cyberspace, so its not a really secure place for you.

All the best

Offplanet

[Rabbitrabbits]

The acceptance and cherishing the memories is still a bit of a way off but I'm slowly getting there. Thank you so much for your reply. I've read it quite a few times and I suspect I will do so again when my resolve gets weaker or my mood down. I'm very shy in person unless I know and trust the people I'm with so it's a shame the almighty internet has its weaknesses. I'll just keep on trying to improve myself, especially in regards to strangers I probably wouldn't fall into that trap through my will is still a bit weak, my resolve is strengthening. Unless she was willing to accept the age difference (acknowledging the problems so they're out in the open and able to be dealt with) and working out solutions so it wouldn't happen again, then I would refuse no matter how much my heart would cry out in protest. Of course I doubt that would happen as she seems sincere in their feelings for the new person. Of course I could be wrong as what I've read here seems to point it wont last, in which case I'll try and just continue with my own life unless she contacts me and does the right things (I'm not very good at detecting lies but I'll try ) I know I should do better and realise the chances of good coming out of it are slim, but love is love and isn't easy for me to give up. Maybe in a week or so.

 

Thanks again for your reply, Offplanet

[doiiiieeezie]

In terms of "internet relationships".. did you two even meet? Because most of them end at a certain point because it doesn't go the next level or she has met someone on another board that identifies with her more. Sad, but it happens all the time, and if that's the case, then I wouldn't worry your young heart about this. She is one of those people who lives off of this, and will jump from relationship to relationship until someone clues in or she gets what she wants from the "person".

[Rabbitrabbits]

No we didn't ever meet. The person she had broken up with two months before we met had put her off visiting as that's where he broken up with her. It was 9500 miles / 15000 kilometres between her and me so it wasn't a trip to make everyday. I had a savings account for a ticket and I reached the amount just as she broke it off. The hurting thing is the new person lives in the exact same country with the exact same distance. And now they're planning to fly over and live with the other person. It all seems just so quick and not like them. Maybe they're a one off person who really does match them in everyway justified the I love you's and planning to spend the rest of their lives together. But logically to me it just seems weird and not like her.

 

I'll try not to let my heart worry about it. Most day's I don't, but as with all emotions it's a bit of a rollercoaster ride. (I seem to be going back up again today at least)