How long did it take?

[HeartBrokn]

I am going through a tough period in my life. A divorce announced by my wife two days ago. My wife of 10 years has had an epiphany that she doesn't want to be me with me anymore. This really hurts me and I am still in some sort of denial. I can't help to think about my future and about getting in another relationship someday in my life.

 

My question is, how long after a break up (mostly with extended relationships like mine) did it take to actually trust other people. I really did not expect this from my wife. This really feels like someone pulled the rug under me. I would never want to do this again especially after having two kids that came from my marriage. I can't imagine myself living alone, but at the same time I don't ever want to go through something like this again.

 

Also, since I am still in love with my wife and although she is not perfect I love her in so many ways. I feel like I will be too picky and hold everyone at her standard and I will not meet anyone out there. I know there are plenty of other fish, but I didn't want any other fish. So with that said for the dumped that was in a long relationship, could you please tell me what you did with your life after the break up and how long di it take to get back to normal. Thank you

[Scarlet 1]

its normal to feel that you don't want anybody else especially when you still have feelings for the person. but believe me you will get over it. it will take a while like maybe a year or so, this depends from person to person, but you will get over this and the next person you will be with will love you the same as you love her.

[ponyboy]

I lol'd. I like that analogy and its so true!

[lookingforhope]

Hrtbrkn,

I'm going through a similar thing. After over 8 years, my ex left and I have had no contact for the last month and a half. At first I was doing OK, visited with family, but coming back home I have been extremely lonely and i find I am missing her more and more. I'm going through the most intensely depressing period of my life and I don't have many friends around to help. I found that I alienated myself from all my close friends over the 8 years, and didn't even realize it. Well I'm realizing it now.

 

it is like torture for me and it seems to be getting worse. I have nothing to look forward to anymore and it is difficult to leave the house most days. this is a step back since two weeks ago. So I seem to be regressing instead of progressing in that sense. Literally the only thing keeping me going is the intangible blind hope that time will ultimately be on my side. Other than that it is all can do to swallow down a bowl of soup a day and try to sleep.

 

The hardest thing now is the comparison of how much worse my life is now than it was. I had so much to look forward to and so many things to do with my ex. Now when i try to go out all i want to do is come home and crawl into bed. i am so angry at my ex, but mainly I just miss the way everything was before. I assume that at some point, maybe 6 months from now, maybe a year, something will have happened that will make me feel better. It might just happen gradually over time and I won't realize it, and then suddenly I'll think about it and say, "You know what, I'm really doing OK now." I pray for that to come soon.

 

Its a double edged sword because I feel like, since I have no one around me to help pull me out of this, I will be 100% responsible for being proactive and pulling MYSELF out of it, which is unthinkable at this point, since I can barely get downstairs for a glass of water some days. It is best to be surrounded by caring friends and family at a time like this, and my ex has been able to have that, but not me. I didn't do anything to deserve this, and i was so thankful that I had someone and that that part of my life was secure. I don't like change and I never wanted nor asked to start over. I wanted everything to stay the same and it was taken away.

 

So I'll wait and try to feel better over time, and try to get my strength back, and take it slowly, one day at a time. I won't rush out to replace my ex, and I'll try to not let the anxiety of feeling a need to replace compound with my current pains. The one who leaves does so on their terms, they prepare themselves for it, go to the people they need to go to, and arrange it to be as painless for them as possible. It is the exact opposite for the one who is left. It is a surprise, even though the ex had been planning it and preparing it all along. They are left without a backup plan, completely unprepared. it is a dirty business, cruel and unfair, to the one who is left, and maybe the very best we can do in that situation is hope and try to relax. Put your faith in fate, relinquish yourself of the burden of feeling like you have to FIX it right away. Two things are certain: 1) the ex, for having prepared their exit, will recover faster and move on sooner than you. 2) You are SUPPOSED to need more time because of this.

 

I don't believe in a soul mate, I don't believe in "meant to be," I think two people find each other and can be happy together, love each other and make a decision that they want to be together. Then time elapses and you have to sometimes WORK to keep it together, and that is when things fall apart if someone is weak, or dishonest, or psychologically unadjusted. All we can do is hope for better the next time around.

 

Take your time and just breath. Life goes on, and in the scheme of things, a year of recovery for a decade relationship is not too bad, and about right in my opinion. If it happens sooner for you, be thankful, because it means you've probably met someone VERY special

 

Take care, and peace.

[soheartbroken]

LookingForHope:

 

I pretty much could have written most of your post. I think you are one of the first people on here that has posted about the FEAR of having to take control, be proactive, and dig oneself out of the hole. In fact, it terrifies me when people suggest that I have to make the decision to heal, and start pulling myself out of this.

 

I too, feel that "taking control" is unmanageable at present, and I too, am just holding out hope that time will do it's thing. I can only take baby steps, like running errands, getting to therapy, etc.

 

I never thought I was helpless, but now I think my therapist is right that my past has contributed to a sense of learned helplessness. I just want to put my faith in time and therapy, and hope that those things will get me out.

 

I also hate change and thought that my relationship was the one secure thing in my life, when the rest of my life was not that happy. And in my case, for 3 months I regressed tremendously, sank into a depression. So the fact that you're getting worse, I think, is normal. Maybe we just get deeper and deeper into the grief, our mind only allowing us to go so far each time, before we finally start to emerge? I dunno, kinda feel like I'm not emerging!

 

At around 3 months I thought I was making progress, but I had a big setback recently, that has left me feeling at square 1 again.

 

Sorry to threadjack OP: in your case, I think it's going to take a LOT of time. Have you considered starting a thread on the divorce forum? I'm also super picky and will hold everyone to her standard. I don't even feel like being around eligible women. Too depressing because no one measures up.

 

Sorry I can't answer your question though, about how long it takes. You tell US when you get there!

[HeartBrokn]

Guys thanks for the reply, lookingforhope and soheartbroken thank you very much for your guys words. I could not agree with you more -looking- about not believing in "soul mates" neither do I. I think people tend to live for some fantasy sometimes and if they don't have that in their life they turn their backs on their spouse. I feel that I can in some ways get past her because I am a very outgoing person and social, but in some ways I don't want to. In this relationship in some ways I have giving up half of my heart and soul and really she is ripping it out of me. That’s the part that hurts so much.

 

You get into this mindset of every choice and decision I make is for "us" now, I have to go back to "me" and that will be difficult. Not to mention my kids, distance will separate us. I won’t be there for their first of a lot of things; I won’t be able to be the father, the guardian to protect my girls from the world. This is something she doesn't have any feelings towards, especially because the fact that she will get the custody because I am in the military. I’ve been away from my wife and daughters and it was tough. I hope you guys also got past this. Even though I am going through this and feel really down I am here to be a sounding board for you guys.

 

I have learned a lot from this relationship. I know what signs of unstable characteristics in a person are. I also have to fix some stuff about me because I have learned to live with dysfunction to some degree for such a long time that I guess that year is the time to fix the broken things that longs for someone that put them through this pain.

 

soheartbroken, When you trust someone and love them you connect with them on a deeper level. This is where I was with my wife, and although in my marriage I would come accross women that were great and fit me quite well but never would pursue of course I was considered married and rightfully so I wouldn't but now I know I am getting divorced I still feel the same. I guess as you guys said I will snap out of it eventually. Thanks again

[newinvention]

Guys - This sounds so familiar to me. Was married for 8 years and wife decided to screw around out of the blue. I filed for divorce and was totally devastated. Terrified of being alone... I thought I was getting through everything when I met a wonderful woman. Everything turned the corner for me - I was sure it wasn't a rebound situation. We broke up two weeks ago after one of the best years of my life with her. EVERYTHING came rushing back - not only the loss of the women I really love (my girlfriend) but the divorce too. Not fun. I've now decided that I must be alone (never have been before) for a while to get all this rotten venom out of me. It is lonely and hard - I don't know many people in my situation and friends / family don't really relate. I never wanted to face this fear alone, but now I have too.

 

I started blogging about it all... I have a plan. You can read more here:

link removed

 

I wish you the best.