Viper55666 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 Bumped into my ex (6 years, 1 year separated) last night and ended up going for a drink and a chat, after a few glasses of wine we got onto the subject of us and I've spent the whole day trying to figure out what she was going on about... help required!! (I'll try to keep it short) She said... * That she misses me. * That she often thinks about things we did and it makes her happy. * That she wishes we had met now instead of 6 years ago (** Her reason for leaving was because she felt that she was missing out on her youth by being tied down**) * That she still cannot bear to listen to certain songs or watch certain films because it reminds her of me/us. * If she could go back and do things differently she would. * We were too young and naive to understand how to save the marriage. * We were too young to get married and that put extra pressure on the relationship. * When asked whether she still thinks about us she admitted to having bad days where she would hide away and have a little cry to herself about the whole thing. Yet, on the other hand she said... - Shes sorry if by inviting me for a drink I feel shes leading me on - Shes enjoying her life at the moment - She wants completely different things from life than she did when we were together. There are a few other things but I think thats the bulk of it, anyway... whats confused me is that she seems to miss me/us and seems to think about us a lot yet when questioned about seeing each other again she backs off, she sent me a text after we left the pub saying how good a time she had and she's sorry If shes leading me on a bit but would like to do it again soon because shes missed talking to me.... Any idea what the hell is going on here? Shes knows full well I can't just be her friend so.... IM CONFUSED!!! Link to comment
jess2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 i think she still loves you, and thinks about you but it seems she does not want to go through the same heartache i suppose, her mind is telling that she has chosen a different path in life but her heart still lies with you... can you please clarify whether she was the dumpee or dumper in this relationship, that might help me understand why she is acting like this Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 She was the dumper... Link to comment
orangesoda Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 sorry but it doesn't sound to me like she views you as 'the one'. she obviously cares for you, as you were a big part of her life and her youth, and her marriage/relationship/experiences with you, helped shaped her to be the woman she is today. But that's the rub - she's not that girl anymore, and as much as she *wished* she could go back to being that naive youn girl - she can't. Life took her down a separate path...she's comforted that when she looks over her shoulder, she can still see you in the distance. But the two of you walk different roads now, and if you are still hurting from the seperation...you'd best cut off contact again. Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 OrangeSoda: Think you may have hit the nail on the head there! What you said makes a lot of sense and actually makes what she said make some sort of sense. Its just very hard because yes even after a year I'm still hurting a lot from the seperation. NC is extremely difficult because she was not only my wife but my best friend and the one person I could always confide in and last night was probably the happiest I've felt in a very long time... but I suppose if we want different things then its just going to end in more heartache! Link to comment
jimmajam Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 I agree with OrangeSoda, but I don't think it's a lost cause if you're still interested. What she said about leading you on makes me feel that she isn't interested in a relationship with you right now. All the other things under your positive list tells me that she hasn't totally threw you out as an option. If you want to pursue it I think it could happen given the new you and the new her still have a lot in common. I'd imagine you'd have to go really slow, the fact that you got married and divorced so young and quick? is a scary situation for both of you. It might take a while before she opens up to the idea. I see that you have both changed and moved on as a good thing because now you can really start fresh. Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 Have you two talked about what you want now as opposed to then? Too many people hold on to what they know about the person then and it really does hurt growth, moving on or even getting back together. Since the separation, have you done things to help you see who you are and what you want in life? Does she still hold you in the past or can she see you as a part of a future and really... can you see her as a supporting member during your lifetime? No one should hold anyone back, but pride does get in the way of peoples perceptions... Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 jimmajam: Thanks for the reply. We're actually still married, UK law states two years of seperation before you can file for divorce unless you can prove adultery/Fraud etc... Thats exactly my point we have so much history/know each other so well and get on so well that I believe we have a really strong base to restart a relationship on. The issue is I was pretty much her first real boyfriend and I think after we got married she freaked out and thought she was missing out... and I think now shes trying to re-live what she thinks she should have been doing instead of being in a serious relationship e.g going out all the time and generally being young, free & single. There is obviously still something there between us and If it was just a case of she needs time to go and do her own thing I would wait. My problem is that I don't want to keep that hope alive thinking that one day she might be ready for 'us' and it never happen, I don't want to try to get things going again albeit slowly and just frustrate her and make things worse. Either way I'm getting on with my life but just can't decide whether theres enough there to keep that flame alive but to myself for now or to cut my losses and cut her out completely... my head says give up but my heart says its always worth trying! Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 doiiiieeezie: Yes, sort of... for now she just wants to be young, free and single and enjoy a carefree life but from what I can gather she doesn't want to think about the future just the present. She knows where I stand and how I feel. (would love to be with her again/really miss her) I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and licking my wounds but am now happy again, getting on with my life and doing the things that I want to do e.g. Gym/Martial Arts/Djing the things that are just for me but I can't really let go of my marriage so my love life is urm... not existant! but for now, thats not a major issue im just happy being me and still can't really see myself with anyone but her. I think pride may be a factor, she is very stubborn and even if she did want me again im not sure she would admit her mistake and say so! Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 -- Something else I just thought of... when talking about the prospect of getting back together she mentioned that she couldn't do it if she knew I had been with someone else. Not sure if this is significant but thought it may be a bit more of an insight for some? -- Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 I can see how you are confused... mixed signals indeed! I see this as a positive note. She is scared of starting again based on the past. Take this slow, be there for her if you want, start off as friends. Treat this opportunity as a new start and really... go slow. It will take a while if it does work out, but I don't see this as a closed door. Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 I like that idea, not really sure how to go about it though. Surely shes going to have the whole 'just freinds' thing as a perminent idea and I'm going to be hoping it eventually leads somewhere???? Link to comment
jimmajam Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 -- Something else I just thought of... when talking about the prospect of getting back together she mentioned that she couldn't do it if she knew I had been with someone else. Not sure if this is significant but thought it may be a bit more of an insight for some? -- That's pretty messed up if you ask me. She broke it off so she shouldn't care or worry what you do in the time apart. She is either using it as an excuse to keep you at a distance or she is trying to hold you back from living your life. Did you reply to this statement? I really think you should have told her that it's not fair and remind her that she broke it off. Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 Granted! It is messed up but the more I think about it the more I think that she really doesn't see me in her future so I think it was more a passing comment than some kind of threat. I did respond simply by saying that I'm really not interested in dating anyone else at the moment and telling her the truth that I don't really see anyone in that way and that some people may make their vows and think of it as just words but I really meant what I said, I vowed to give myself to her and no-one else and even after a year I still stand by that. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 So, she couldn't see being with you if you dated anyone else..but I have to wonder if she herself has dated anyone else..after all, she was the one who dumped you saying she wants to be single and free. I think this woman is talking out of both sides of her mouth. Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 So, she couldn't see being with you if you dated anyone else..but I have to wonder if she herself has dated anyone else..after all, she was the one who dumped you saying she wants to be single and free. I think this woman is talking out of both sides of her mouth. Yeah, perhaps. As much as it hurts to think about it, if she has been seeing other people (which I would guess she has) I would still forgive all and take her back without even thinking about it! I never thought I'd be able to say that but then I never thought things would have gone so badly wrong! I do agree though, some of the things she says and does make her look heartless and two faced but I still love her regardless! Love is a cruel mistress! Link to comment
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