Have the urge to email!

[lisaria]

Hello all,

Many of you know my story. How far I've moved forward and how far I've stepped back sometimes. You have helped me tremendously get through one of the worst times of my life.

It will be 2 months Tuesday since I've initiated any kind of contact at all. I don't count the "Hi" at the gym. Not planned and surprized me terribly. I ended up not going the last week and a half because I didn't want to run into him and just felt awful and thought I looked awful and I definitely don't want him seeing me like that. Anyway...

I have this urge to email him today. I know that he is with someone else and has been since before our split but I really want to know how he is doing. But I'm scared to do it, I don't want to be rejected again. I know that I should not, but I also know that he's forgotten about the good things we had and I want to nudge his memory a little bit. I feel like I'm just hanging on...waiting for him to change his mind and come back, which my head knows is stupid. But I can't seem to make my heart believe that.

I am getting better and stronger and maybe I could handle a short email. What do you guys think? Should I?

Lisa

[LostInTranslation]

lisaria,

 

It's great to hear that you've made it through almost two months of no contact. I am looking forward to when I can say that.

 

It really sounds to me like you are not over him. If you feel this sudden urge to email him after you've made progress with no contact, you may have other motives than finding out how he is doing. I think you may end up hurting yourself if you don't get the response you want or any response at all. If he is with someone else, his happiness with this other person may be the reason why he may not have tried contacting you by now. Even just a friendly email may end up hurting you more in the long run and you may have to start all over again with no contact.

 

If you've made it this far, I suggest to keep going without him. You are definitely a caring person to consider contacting him to see how he is doing. I know you want to nudge his memory with thoughts of you, but if he hasn't tried contacting you by now, he may be completely over you and may not care about how you are doing. You could be setting yourself up for more hurt. I know you feel better and stronger, but I think this is an impulse decision that needs more time and thought. I get these impulses about my ex-girlfriend all the time and I struggle to fight them everyday because I know it is best for me to be without her.

 

But whatever you decide to do, I hope everything works in your favor. Letting go is so hard for us, especially when we have hopes that they will realize what they had and come back to us. Good luck and best wishes.

[Scout]

I absolutely second everything Lost in Translation just said. Lisario, I have been following your story and am rooting for you. You honestly come accross as a very loving and special person. Please, just hang in there. You are going to meet someone who is absolutely worthy of you. I don't think this is the guy who is. Let him go on with his life and this new person - let him be her problem. The sun will shine again for you, I promise. You have been strong in your NC efforts, and a little wave of longing/loneliness is to be expected from time to time. Ride it out. We're all here for you.

[debisfun]

Lisario,

 

DO NOT CONTACT HIM! Please please please. He knows where you are, if he wants to talk to you, he'll initiate contact.

 

Have you read these two books?

 

"Women Who Love Too Much"

"He's Scared, She's Scared".

 

If you haven't, go out and buy them NOW! There is so much in these books that is right on the money. The biggest thing you have to recognize is that your ex is a "commitmentphobic". You may think "no way,he's got another girlfriend that he is making a committment to". Well, the fact that he was able to go from one relationship RIGHT into another is a huge marker.

 

Seriously, would you want to have him back, with NOTHING about him changing? He needs to understand and come to grips with this issues (and he's the only one that can do that....you CAN'T be his therapist), and YOU need to understand your issues. Yes, YOUR issues. Why did you attract this man? And why did you put up with him?

 

I don't mean to be harsh. I'm in the same boat as you, but much earlier in the process. It's only been 11 days of NO CONTACT, and I want to email him so badly to see if he is ready to talk. But I can't bear the thought of not getting the answer I want, or when we DO talk, not having the conversation go the way I imagine it would.

 

Stay strong. Don't contact. It's the only way to move on. If by some miracle you DO get back together, I can guarantee you that you'll be back in the same boat, only the cycle will be much quicker.

 

Stay strong. Don't contact. (I can't say that enough).

 

-Deborah

[lisaria]

Thank you people. You guys have helped me so much and I don't mean just here on this one post, although you have here too.

LostinT, you made alot of sense here. I think he doesn't care about me and may never have. I have to accept this and move on. I would be hurt if he just blew me off and that means I still have strong feelings for him. It's only been three months since we split and that's understandable. I hope that our exes will one day realize what they gave up. I doubt it, but I'd like to think that we didn't love someone and waste so much time on someone that really didn't care.

Scout, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You made me feel a little hopeful. It was probably just a wave of longing or loneliness and I got past it. Sort of. I think that my ex and I probably came into each other's lives to teach us both a lesson. I did what I had to to help him on his journey and he did the same for me. It was a hard lesson for me and I'm still not sure I know what that was, but I have my ideas, and it was time for us to move on. I know it probably sounds a little hokey but I am starting to believe that. It helps a little when I get down (and I'm getting better, I really am) to know that it isn't just me picking the wrong guy again, it's helping someone on their journey. Although I wish it wouldn't hurt so much.

Deb, You're right, I do think he is a commitmentphobe and I'm probably a little of the same. He does know how to get in touch with me and he just doesn't care enough to do that. That really hurts. I still do not understand why he did what he did after we went through so much together. But looking back I see where I gave him everything I had emotionally. Always there for him no matter what. In the beginning I was giving him everything in every way I knew to show him how I felt. But after he started playing headgames I stopped doing that and it just went down hill. I was very clingy and needy and I became so very insecure. I stopped doing the little things that I had done in the beginning too worried about what he thought since he seemed to not want the things I did for him. I guess I just took whatever he gave even if it was just bits and pieces of his love (if that's what it was) whenever he felt like it. I've done ALOT of thinking recently, can you tell?

I've followed your stories people and I want to tell you to be strong too. Hang in there. Do not contact your exes either, if that's where you are now. I remember the first week being pure hell. But Deb, you've made it through that and now you're working on the second, then it will be the third and before you know it, it will be two months, and then three, and then six. I can't wait and I sincerely hope that by the sixth month I have forgotten how much I loved him. You can do it. You'll find you are much stronger than you think.

Thanks again people. I couldn't do it if I had to do this alone.

Lisa

[Scout]

Lisa, you're so welcome!! Thanks for your past input on my situation as well. In the meantime, keep posting whenever you get a little "wave" because we're here for you!