A vent on "what could have been"...

[sugarplum_pdx]

I wonder why, even after how my ex treated me, I'm able to feel sorry for HIM and wish I could reach out to him. I was thinking last night about how even though he is the more outwardly social one between the two of us, he really doesn't have many of what I'd consider close friends. He keeps his friendships fairly superficial. He also doesn't have any brothers or sisters, and isn't that close to his parents. When we were together, I was the only one who gave him gifts for his birthday and Christmas, and was like his family. I come from a bigger, closer family ... I have 3 siblings and other extended family members. On holidays, we all make a big deal of it. We have many traditions and we just have a great time. We also do family things every year, like go camping together and take little trips to visit each other. My boyfriend became part of that when we were together. He seemed to really enjoy it. I tried to provide to him the type of home environment I'm used to ... with lots of good food, love, gifts and support. For a long time, it seemed like that's what he wanted.

 

I just don't understand, how is his life better without me in it? He was opened up to a lot of things through me. A lot of foods he'd never had, a general appreciation for home cooking and wine and having a nice home. Before, he lived in a pigsty... he and his roommate never cleaned anything and didn't own anything nice. He came to really enjoy a different, more mature way of life with me. He said these things himself ... I didn't force any of it on him.

 

But then he gave it all up ... to cheat on me with a 21 year old (he's 29), and to move back in with his former roommate (the pig), and live a lifestyle of hanging out in bars. I don't understand it. I added a lot to his life. He was growing as a person. Most of his friends said they could see he was happier with me than he'd been with anyone else. Everyone thought we'd get married. What happened??

 

Well, this is all rhetorical, because I know nobody can answer my questions. And more importantly, I'm supposed to be focusing on myself now, and not him. I can't force him to want what I want. I just thought he wanted the same things. All I can do is keep being myself, and remember someone else will appreciate what I have to offer.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[abcd1234]

Some people need close friends, it makes their life better and more enjoyable. Some people don't have close friends and like it that way, it makes them feel 'independent'.

 

Your ex should not have cheated on you, it was wrong. Maybe he moved back in with his old roomate because it is what he is used to or because he can't afford a place on his own and the roomate was willing to take him back.

 

It sounds like you were good for him and that you were happy together, maybe he got uncomfortable living in a community that was so different from the one he was used to; one with lots of love, care and support.

 

I hope that the venting has made you feel better.

 

abcd1234

[lunatic]

Sugarplum,

 

Please don't hurt yourself trying to figure out why he did all these things.

From the little I know about the situation he is the one that lost out.

You should be happy that this did not happen after you married this jerk. There is someone out there that will appreciate all those things you have to offer. Just hang in there and one day you will meet your knight in shining armor(ok ok cheesy metaphor I know I could not help myself) .

This guy sounds like he was used to having nothing at all in life. That is what he went back to the dirty apartment and the dingy bars. You don't need that and you deserve better than that.

 

Heal yourself and initiate the no contact rule right away if you have not done so already.

 

Be strong! I am sorry that you are in pain because of this man you are better off!

-Hubman

[Technical Support]

I am going through a similar situation as you...its not easy...

 

I gave my ex three years of my life...and when she met me she hated her parents and treated them really bad...she had a crappy job and just didnt know much about the world. At the time she was 19 and I was 23...and I loved teaching her about stuff that I already knew about computers and cars and all types of stuff. But something changed in her that I couldnt warn her about because I didnt see it coming...she now is not the same girl that I first started going out with.

 

The problem is that I helped her grow up alot and took her on her first vacation to the mainland (im from Hawaii) and opened her eyes up to the world and then she felt as if she was too dependent on me and needed to see if she could survive without me. WTF? You dont decide that type of thing after three years...that you want to go out and see the world...your suppose to want to do that with me...is what I think.

 

I dont know what to tell you girl except that I think about her every waking moment that i breathe...she's always on my mind whether im missing her or hating her at that moment...she never escapes my thoughts...and whats most painful of all is that alot of times I wonder if she thinks of me at all?

 

I feel you on the point of how is his life better without you? It probably isnt but if your guy is stuborn like my ex...well they would never admit that they made a mistake and will always have to convince themselves and the ones around them that they are better off without you...and you and I will know for ourselves...that it is not true...

 

sorry for the rant but im sure that you understand...

 

Marc

[sugarplum_pdx]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I know that a lot of you can identify with how I feel. Yes I know that I deserve better ... but I still miss what I had with him. I still can't help but care about him and think about how he's doing. I was talking to my friend about this subject last night, and saying how I couldn't believe he would give up everything that I offered him, in order to go back to living like he did before. She said it would hit him sometime and he would realize what he lost. It comforts me somehow to think that he'll regret losing me, even though I'm not sure I would get back together with him even if he wanted to. The idealistic part of me wants to think that he could change and we could get back together, but realistically, I know most people don't change. Why is it so hard to make myself accept that?

[Scout]

Hi Sugarplum - gosh, I can relate so much to what you're saying. I too, really felt like I enriched my ex's life and added some meaning to it, he totally walked away from it, though. It plain makes no sense, and it drives me nuts. And than you ask yourself...if he could be that stupid...that means I'm stupid because I liked him....my God! I liked a stupid guy! ...anyway, you can see that I'm still seething too. I appreciated your vent, very much, thanks for sharing it!

[sugarplum_pdx]

Hi Scout,

I have read a lot of your posts and I know that you and I experienced similar things ... I am glad that you appreciated my vent (well not glad, because it's too bad any of us have to feel this way, but you know what I mean!). I really don't know what we can do to understand the careless, senseless actions of the guys we loved. There are a million things mine could've done differently to make this at least a little easier ... he could've tried to be mature, respectful, and not burn all his bridges. But there's nothing I can do to change the choices he made.

 

Well, hope you're hanging in there, and feel free to contact me anytime if you want to vent.

[TrueHeart]

You, like me... are a nurturer by nature.. We are born with golden hearts. My XBF was EXACTLY like yours.. No parental or family involvement all together.. I was his family, his GF and mother... I did everything... and he failed to see it... Heres what I learned:

 

Some people, are just meant to be the way they are.. He grew up without that type of attention and love, so you can't expect him to really understand it. It doesn't sound much like a reason, but in thinking about it.. it makes a lot of sense.

 

Don't blame yourself for his past.. He is who and what he is.. Its HIS loss not yours.. He's the type that realizes this when its too late, unfortunately. But do you really want to anchor yourself with someone who cheated on you, and didn't appreciate you? I don't... I believe you don't either... There is someone out there for you, who is meant to appreciate you in a way you appreciate them....