Why do I feel like this? I wanted it to be like this..

[Finch]

Hello,

 

I broke up with my first kiss, first love, first sexual encounter, first everything a little over a month ago. It was exactly what I wanted, because firstly, I wasn't attracted to her at all anymore. I wasn't attracted to her physically and I wasn't attracted to her mentally. She was becoming a burden in my life, and I hated her for it and I hated myself for letting things continue this way. Now I am so confused, and distraught, and alone and I don't know what to do. I'm sure you read to that point and stopped, and you are ready to dismiss this as another dumb breakup drama. I mean, that is what I would do if I was in your situation. I hate drama.

 

My Ex-Girlfriend and I have this odd relationship. We are VERY good friends, and our relationship is basically very similar as to the one when we were going out. We are still affectionate (we still have sex sometimes, hook up, hug, etc), we still talk all the time (we talk every night, sometimes for a few hours), we still fight (we fight about dumb things that I wanted to get away from in our old relationship), and we still are jealous of each other. I like having her as a friend, and having this close relationship minus some of the things that we shouldn't be doing since we broke up, but it's just becoming too stressful. People at school are coming up to me and ask me, did you two get back together? NO! I don't want to get back together with her, and I no longer want to be associated to her. I am free, single, and my own person. I hate when people do that! Her friends think that I am leading her on because we still talk very often and share this close bond between us. She tells them that I am not leading her on, and everything like that, but I have this horrible feeling that I am going to gain this bad reputation around school as a jerk because some people are ignorant enough to think that they know us well enough to know what is going on. I am also totally frustrated by my ex-girlfriend going to her friends every time we have a small fight. I have told her countless times that issues between her and I are exactly our issues, and nobody else's. However, she runs to her friends every single time we have a dispute and the entire school knows about the issue at the end of the day. That is stressful because not only is everybody getting involved in our issues, but I also have to explain the situation so I don't seem like a bad guy or jerk. I don't want that reputation because I am not!

 

The reason why I am confused is because I still have feelings for my girlfriend. I mean, I'm sure some of you are saying that I always will etc etc etc, but let me explain it a little more. I have no problem going out and meeting new girls and hooking up with them and interacting, but my heart sinks when I hear that my ex-girlfriend is going to go out that night because I am so fearful that she is going to go out and meet somebody better than me, somebody that will replace me and make her happier than I ever made her. I hate hearing about it each night, because I talk to her at night and I have to hear about it. She has had to go through me hooking up with like 3 girls when she hasn't even hooked up with one person yet, but still I just hate the fact that she is out there meeting new people. Why!! I don't know why I have this feeling, because I never want to get back together with her, ever.. She is going out Saturday night on a date with some guy that her friends matched her up with. I'm not too sure if that is going to work out, but I couldn't even handle hearing about it on the phone. I had to hang up and go do something else. Why am I acting like this? I know that it's over, and I don't ever want to be with her again, and I wouldn't mind cutting out contact with her, but regardless of all of that, I still don't want her to see anybody! That is so stupid!

 

I am so worried that I am going to end up alone and she is going to meet some other guy and be truly happy. I should be happy for her if she ever gains that, but I am so against it. I think one reason that I am truly perturbed is because she is going on a serious date with somebody on Saturday when all I have done is sought out meaningless hookups that meant nothing and have accomplished nothing. I know exactly what I need to go out and do to make me feel better, but I just don't feel like I am capable of doing that at the moment. I know I need to go out, meet some girl, and I'm bound to begin to like one of them and start a small relationship.. but I am just not capable of doing that at the moment. I don't have any inspiration to do that, and I don't have the confidence at the moment to do that either. My ex-girlfriend is lucky that she has friends to match her up with somebody, because she would have never done this on her own. She isn't the most attractive girl, and not to be conceded or anything, but most everybody at school was at loss for why I went out with her because I am more attractive... I am being selfish and immature, and I hate being like this because I can't rationalize why I am acting this way. Can somebody help me through this? I am really getting depressed about this whole situation and it's soo stupid.

[Hannibal]

What you need to do is to try to stop thinking about her and other people. If she talks to you about it just kindly excuse yourself from the convo or tell her you would prefer to talk about something else. When you mention her finding someone else that will make her happier then you ever did, try not to forget that people usually forget how happy they once were. They forget what other emotions felt like when something new comes along.

[AnotherChick]

I hate to say this, because I see that you are upset by all of this, but you are acting and speaking like a stereo-typical, manipulative, pocessive guy. You're young (sounds like) and you're trying to rationalize these feelings, but really, take a few days and read what you have typed. Then, think about her as your friend. Would you want to hear a guy say that stuff about any other girl friend, or even a sister?

 

I mean, you even tossed in arrogant there at the end. Cut contact with her, and leave this poor girl alone. At the same time, just do your own thing and try to learn from these new experiences.

 

I don't think you are a bad person, and furthermore I don't think you want to be this kind of person, so you need to stop.

 

Take care and Good Luck!

[Finch]

I know it may have come off that way, and I'm not trying to be defensive because I'm upset.. but I have in no way become manipulative or possessive. I haven't prevented her from progressing from the breakup or prevented her from doing anything. She is able to do exactly whatever she wants, but I hear about it, and I asking for help to get over these last feelings that I have toward her.

 

There is a whole different aspect of why we broke up, which I won't get into, that has led to these strong feelings and the breakup itself. I was treated poorly by her and this is why I am so dumbfounded as to why I have these feelings of jealously when she mentions that she is going to go on a date with another guy.

 

It is a bit distressing and disturbing to see that you thought I was arrogant, manipulative, possessive, and down-right immature based on my post. However, hopefully you'll be enlightened by just knowing that the bad relationship, resulting from her discretions, inflicted these feelings on me. I'm not saying it was totally her fault, but I am saying it is one of the main reasons why we ended things.. anyway, I don't want to get into that.

 

You should keep in mind that I have so much respect, care, and love for my ex-girlfriend. At the same time, she is the best person I have ever met and the worst. In the post I was being totally honest about how I felt. I am just sharing my raw emotions without tact, and I'm sorry that you thought that I came off as a prick it seems. Of course I'm not going to go as far as to keep her from moving on, but secretly (at the moment at least) I am hopeful that she won't. Those feelings are mutual between us. I want the best for her, but sometimes it's hard to provide that or think that when you are trying to get through any breakup which you shared strong emotional feelings toward somebody.

[twizod]

Your depressive state is only aggravated by your sense of insult if she (the less attractive one) finds somebody faster than you(the more attractive one). If you truly care about her and love her....stay away. You are only doing harm to the girl and not yourself. Otherwise, you will continue to feed off this selfishness and hurt yourself as well as her. Just do No Contact.

[debisfun]

Finch,

 

I have to agree with the other posts. You have the classic syndrome of "I don't want her, but I don't want anybody else to have her either". That is very cruel.

 

I know that you didn't hear what you wanted to hear ---- but we're on this forum to help each other, and sometimes that means being objectively honest.

 

In order to heal yourself, you need to cut off contact with her. I don't care if you say you are "friends" --- you CLEARLY are not able to handle her life as a "friend". Spend some time doing a self inventory -- a VERY good book to read is "He's Scared, She's Scared". Even though you are young, you are not too young to identify your relationship issues in the hopes that you will someday (in the future, after you are through with college and have an adult life) have a healthy, committed relationship.

 

On the plus side, it's encouraging that you recognize something is wrong with the way you are feeling and you want some help. Give yourself a BIG pat on the back for that.

 

Good Luck.

[Finch]

I suppose you guys are right about the cutting off contact. I did that earlier today when I found out she had been crap talking about me to various friends for a very long time since we broke up. As I went to sign her yearbook I found several "F HIM, HE'S A FAG" type things.

 

She can be very manipulative, so I knew that she had been conceiving stories behind my back and disregarded my own wishes for issues between her and I to remain our issues.

 

After that I simply handed back her yearbook and asked that we stop talking. Last night I thought very hard about this whole thing, and while I don't want her to go on a date with somebody else, I am accepting of the fact that it is going to happen. In fact, I believe it is a good thing.

 

However, for the moment we have stopped talking and I'm not sure what direction that will take us. She pleaded that I change my mind, and while tempted, I know that it won't accomplish anything. I believe after a long introspective night that I finally realized that I have to let go and allow her to see other people as the final step of moving on. I think I am capable of this. While it will be disheartening for me, especially if I remain alone, I know that it has to happen.

 

What do I do now?

[AnotherChick]

To answer your question, "What do I do now?"...you move on.

 

I'm not sure why you are so sure you will never find someone. Especially after stating that she was the "lessor attractive" of the two. You seem to have passive-aggressive confidence.

 

So, to keep this short, I would say go date. Go hang out with your buddies, go to movies, go enjoy life. Above all, quit worrying about what she is doing.

 

Things will start looking up.

 

Good Luck!

[Azure13]

I'd have to agree with the other posters, you remind me of a guy one of my friends dated back in highschool. You'll grow out of this mentality. How can you say you're jealous she should find another guy when you're not attracted to her at all anymore? Let this poor girl go. You have no right to be jealous when you've been hooking up with so many girls as you said.. if I were her I wouldn't even contact you.. you both should just stop talking there's really no point, sounds like you really don't respect her enough to be her friend anyway, and neither does she.