Why do we place age before love and happiness?

[metafisics]

Finding love, and I dont mean relationships, I mean love, is hard enough. Yet it puzzles me all the time how the society puts a lot of emphasis on age, especially where the woman is older, when there are a lot of people in "right age relationships" which the society support, but are extremely unhappy.

 

I think we've lost the plot! The sad thing is only decades/centuries from now, the society will see the light and the taboo attached to this will be history and a lot of people would have unnecesarily suffered for it! Why do we always take sooo long to learn?!

 

I often hear how the relationships wont work, but often the reasons have very little to do with the compatibility of the two people and more to do with irrational societal pressures.

 

Would like to hear from those who oppose relationships where the woman is older, and the man is an adult. Perhaps I am missing something!

[Sn0man]

I love older women. Especially foxy older women.

 

But not too much older - I want kids someday.

[scared and alone]

hey, as long as they are both of legal consenting age, i see no problem with it.

 

I also hate when its fine for a man to date a younger woman, but if an older woman is dating a younger man, its wrong, or taboo? WHAT? makes no sense to me.

[metafisics]

 

But not too much older - I want kids someday.

 

I hear you Sn0man, your issue would not be her age then but rather her ability to have children, a problem which could be experienced by a younger woman.

 

So assuming you marry a younger woman and realise later that she cant bare children, what do you do? Devorce her?

 

My point if your interest is in having children, shouldnt the focus be on the woman's ability to have children, regardless of her age?

[Lucius]

If I'm attracted to a person, and if I respect them, and if we're looking for similar things in life (now and in the future) - then that's all I need to know.

 

Age, in and of itself, is not an issue for me.

[gsxr104]

Age is not an issue for me either.

[metafisics]

Yes, its often not an issue for the two people who decide to get into a relationship, however, these relationships often collapse, thanks to interference from family memberes, friends and society at large!

 

I know that people should be strong and mature enough to decide wath they want regardless of what people say, but one cant undersestimate the need for acceptance and that some people arent that strong.

 

The very reason why a lot gay people remain in the closet, which hurts the society even more becuase they go and get into marriages they do not want to be in. Result, they have a life on the down low! Resulting in all sorts of tings I wont metion.

 

Excuse me for digressing, tryin to make a point.

[Lucius]

Yes, its often not an issue for the two people who decide to get into a relationship, however, these relationships often collapse, thanks to interference from family memberes, friends and society at large!

 

Then the issue becomes as much about conformity as it is about age.

 

For myself, I really don't care what other people have to say about my partner. I've dated people that my family weren't over the moon about - I really didn't much care. They knew me well enough to keep their concerns, once expressed, wholly to themselves.

 

Yeah, it can be an issue for some people. I suppose just about anything can (whether that's race, religion, appearance, income, etc, etc). For some of us though, the approval of others is only ever a bonus - and not a requirement.

[metafisics]

Then the issue becomes as much about conformity as it is about age.

 

For myself, I really don't care what other people have to say about my partner. I've dated people that my family weren't over the moon about - I really didn't much care. They knew me well enough to keep their concerns, once expressed, wholly to themselves.

 

Yeah, it can be an issue for some people. I suppose just about anything can (whether that's race, religion, appearance, income, etc, etc). For some of us though, the approval of others is only ever a bonus - and not a requirement.

 

 

Couldnt agree more!!

[Godless_Heathen]

I hear you Sn0man, your issue would not be her age then but rather her ability to have children, a problem which could be experienced by a younger woman.

"Could be" does not mean "likely." It's entirely reasonable to restrict who you date to people with whom having children is a real possibility.

 

So assuming you marry a younger woman and realise later that she cant bare children, what do you do? Devorce her?

In the real world, you simply live with it. That's not a reason to ignore warning signs.

 

My point if your interest is in having children, shouldnt the focus be on the woman's ability to have children, regardless of her age?

Sure, except that age is a real, known factor. About 2% of younger couples experience infertility even though they have no reason to expect infertility before they start trying. Those are pretty good odds, and ones you just have to accept in life.

 

Age does affect fertility, and does so far more than most people seem to believe. "I had a cousin who got pregnant at 42" doesn't alter the fact that the odds are heavily against you at that age. Just as it's unlikely you'll experience difficulty (barring known problems) with a woman under 35, it's very likely you will if you're starting much past 40.

 

It's not fair, but it's life.

[mysticdaisy]

If you're dating anybody at all potentially controversial, a good policy is to wait until you've been together for 6 months or so before telling your family, if possible.

 

That way you avoid confrontation that can poison the relationship when it's more vulnerable, yet your family also will know when it is starting to get to the point when they really should.

 

Also, it's harder for them to flip out at you, because instead of saying "I just met this women 15 years older than me guys!" which is easy to pick on you for, you're saying "I have been in a stable relationship for many months with this woman 15 years older than me who I am in love with, guys!" which people will be a lot more hesitant about in terms of saying anything...

[Batya33]

I always found I had more in common with men in my age group. Also, especially when I was approaching and over 35 I didn't want to date men who were much younger and not yet ready to have a family.

[Car Chick]

Wow. Did you just write down my entire theory of love? lol. I know just how you feel. It used to be if someone was with a person of a different race, everyone freaked and now it's ok. I try so hard to get people to understand so that maybe they can move into that next age where the stigmatism and discrimination can be dropped. Thank you for standing with me in this fight for for freedom, you know, that thing the founding fathers promised us.

[Car Chick]

I love older women. Especially foxy older women.

 

But not too much older - I want kids someday.

 

Luckily in this day and age, between medical technology and adoption, age really isn't an issue with having children.

[Car Chick]

hey, as long as they are both of legal consenting age, i see no problem with it.

 

I also hate when its fine for a man to date a younger woman, but if an older woman is dating a younger man, its wrong, or taboo? WHAT? makes no sense to me.

 

What country do you live in where its fine for an older man to date a younger woman? I'd LOVE to live there. You may want to take a closer look at the persecution and discrimantion faced by these couples. When my ex and I were dating, I had to comfort him when he was distraught over being called a pedophile. Shortly after, all the horrible things people kept saying to him got to him so much that he left me and married a women his exact age. Tell me that not taboo.

[Car Chick]

Yes, its often not an issue for the two people who decide to get into a relationship, however, these relationships often collapse, thanks to interference from family memberes, friends and society at large!

 

I know that people should be strong and mature enough to decide wath they want regardless of what people say, but one cant undersestimate the need for acceptance and that some people arent that strong.

 

The very reason why a lot gay people remain in the closet, which hurts the society even more becuase they go and get into marriages they do not want to be in. Result, they have a life on the down low! Resulting in all sorts of tings I wont metion.

 

Excuse me for digressing, tryin to make a point.

 

 

I agree. Sadly, too many people just can't or won't handle the stigmatisms from scociety, leaving those who are willing to stand out and stand up for what they want, lonely and out in the cold. I wish more people could learn to jus be themselves and I hope that one day scociety learns to accept us for who we are. I fear someday age gap marriages will have to be done in Canada. I missed my friends wedding becuase he had to marry in Canada since it was to another man.

[Car Chick]

Then the issue becomes as much about conformity as it is about age.

 

For myself, I really don't care what other people have to say about my partner. I've dated people that my family weren't over the moon about - I really didn't much care. They knew me well enough to keep their concerns, once expressed, wholly to themselves.

 

Yeah, it can be an issue for some people. I suppose just about anything can (whether that's race, religion, appearance, income, etc, etc). For some of us though, the approval of others is only ever a bonus - and not a requirement.

 

Still, it hurts when your own family wants nothing to do with your spouse. My friends mother-in-law told her on her wedding night that she didn't want her to marry her son and she didn't like her. She never learned to treat my friend with respect. She refused to even get to know her. Even though my friend's husbaund died long ago, it still hurts her to know how her husbaund's mother felt about her.

[Car Chick]

Then why is it that may mom has over a dozen friends her age who have babies or young children. Those stats may have been true in the past, but they aren't anymore. Between fertility meds and viagra, sex and fertility are no longer age issues. This is 2009.

[absinthe]

My problem with substantial age gaps is that people, whether men or women, enter them for all the wrong reasons or disparity of reasons.

 

Someone who's substantially older, has far more manipulative abilities. It's too easy to convince someone younger, to enter into a relationship of predator and prey, where the older person has the "Looky me, ah still gotz it" attitude. Disturbing when fear of aging and death affects common sense.

 

You can also have the much younger man, who's only looking to bang someone with more experience or is looking for a mother figure. In this scenario, if the older woman is looking for a serious relationship, she's going to get her heart broken.

 

You can also have the mercenary younger person, who looks to the older man or woman as their cash cow. Disturbing.

 

Having said that, if the two age-gap individuals are honestly at the same stage in life, sharing love and common interests, compatible in most things, including life goals and direction, more power to them!

[Car Chick]

If you're dating anybody at all potentially controversial, a good policy is to wait until you've been together for 6 months or so before telling your family, if possible.

 

That way you avoid confrontation that can poison the relationship when it's more vulnerable, yet your family also will know when it is starting to get to the point when they really should.

 

Also, it's harder for them to flip out at you, because instead of saying "I just met this women 15 years older than me guys!" which is easy to pick on you for, you're saying "I have been in a stable relationship for many months with this woman 15 years older than me who I am in love with, guys!" which people will be a lot more hesitant about in terms of saying anything...

 

 

Good point. Also with my mom, I found subtle ways of dropping the hints, like telling her all about this "friend" of mine and how great he was. Even before then, I dropped hints about what I like, such as commenting about how handsome an actor was on tv that was in his forties (Christopher Meloni (48) is the hottest man on earth by the way, lol) or when conversations about age gap relationships would come up, I'd say things like "Well, if they're happy together, then it's fine." This way it's not such a shock when you finally do "come out" as liking older (or younger) people.

[Car Chick]

This is exactly the same thing as saying that someone with AIDS is obviously a "lady of the night" or drug addict. You can't assume what someone is thinking. To group people like that is a blanant disregard for the individuality of human beings and is absolute discrimination. It's people like you that destroy good loving relationships.

 

I am a young girl in love with an older man. According to you, I am seeking a "cash cow". If that were so then it would bother me that my man struggles to pay the bills. He is facing possible losing his job due to downsizing and I am still sticking by him, even more so as he needs a caring person by his side right now. Explain that one.

[Car Chick]

I always found I had more in common with men in my age group. Also, especially when I was approaching and over 35 I didn't want to date men who were much younger and not yet ready to have a family.

 

 

I have never related to anyone my own age. We're all different.

[absinthe]

This is exactly the same thing as saying that someone with AIDS is obviously a "lady of the night" or drug addict. You can't assume what someone is thinking. To group people like that is a blanant disregard for the individuality of human beings and is absolute discrimination. It's people like you that destroy good loving relationships.

 

I am a young girl in love with an older man. According to you, I am seeking a "cash cow". If that were so then it would bother me that my man struggles to pay the bills. He is facing possible losing his job due to downsizing and I am still sticking by him, even more so as he needs a caring person by his side right now. Explain that one.

Read the last paragraph of my post, previous to getting upset. If that's the two of you, good for you.

[Car Chick]

Read the last paragraph of my post, previous to getting upset. If that's the two of you, good for you.

 

 

But you assume that a relationship like this is some rarity that hardly ever happens. Based on your post, it seems you automatically assume that an age gap relationship is based on the wrong things. We're guilty until proven innocent. Just as I said in my post, it's like with AIDS. Some people get it from things that are perfectly innocent on their part, perhaps an accidental mixing of blood. But people assume that when someone has AIDs, they have done something wrong. You assume that we are wrong, even if you do recognize that they are some who aren't.

 

I'm just trying to get people to understand how these blanket ideas are so hurtful to us.

[absinthe]

But you assume that a relationship like this is some rarity that hardly ever happens. Based on your post, it seems you automatically assume that an age gap relationship is based on the wrong things. We're guilty until proven innocent. Just as I said in my post, it's like with AIDS. Some people get it from things that are perfectly innocent on their part, perhaps an accidental mixing of blood. But people assume that when someone has AIDs, they have done something wrong. You assume that we are wrong, even if you do recognize that they are some who aren't.

 

I'm just trying to get people to understand how these blanket ideas are so hurtful to us.

I've been in contact with one, read this, one substantial age gap relationship which was functional. The balance that I've seen, have been for all the wrong reasons, most often disturbing reasons.

 

IF you're an exception to the rule of my own anecdoetal experience, you and your man will know and be happy together and nothing anyone says, will bother you.

 

Society doesn't define your relationship. You're the only two people who can do that. To give the power to society to affect your happiness, is a losing proposition.