Is this selfish?

[HeartBrokn]

I was wondering if this was selfish: People getting into relationship to fix things about themselves. I feel that I got with my wife because I needed to help her fix something about her but she thinks now that she fixed things about herself she is done with our relationship.

 

I also think it's that someone would do this with kids and a long marriage of 10 years.

 

Again, that person may not know they are doing it, I still think it's crap. ](*,)

[Theblueman123]

Yes it is selfish.

[erase this face]

Who are you asking is selfish? It sounds like your wife on one hand, but on the other - you got into the relationship for the wrong reason.

[top bloke]

Part of a loving relationship is the nurturing and then appreciation with more closeness by your partner!! I am sorry this has happpened to you but she wont go too far before she realises how good she really had it with you....take care man.

[HeartBrokn]

Part of a loving relationship is the nurturing and then appreciation with more closeness by your partner!! I am sorry this has happpened to you but she wont go too far before she realises how good she really had it with you....take care man.

 

Thanks brother, it's really weird because she has talked about previous relationships and how she changed after she went through those relationships. I wish I knew that prior to investing 10 years of my life for her. Thanks Top

[top bloke]

Thanks brother, it's really weird because she has talked about previous relationships and how she changed after she went through those relationships. I wish I knew that prior to investing 10 years of my life for her. Thanks Top

You are welcome.You had very bad luck with her.take care.

[nutbrownhare]

I feel that I got with my wife because I needed to help her fix something about her but she thinks now that she fixed things about herself she is done with our relationship.

What's good is that you realise that YOU needed to help her fix something about her - in other words this apparently unselfish gesture was actually fulfilling your needs rather than hers. Though seemingly caring, this is actually very controlling - and it could be that if she became healthier emotionally (having fixed things about herself) she would have sensed this, resented it and then left the relationship.

 

If you are someone who 'needs to be needed' in order to have a relationship and don't want this to happen again, you might check out the many online resources on codependency. Whatever, we can never 'fix' another person - though many will work themselves into a state of despair trying.

[BlueRizla]

What's good is that you realise that YOU needed to help her fix something about her - in other words this apparently unselfish gesture was actually fulfilling your needs rather than hers. Though seemingly caring, this is actually very controlling - and it could be that if she became healthier emotionally (having fixed things about herself) she would have sensed this, resented it and then left the relationship.

 

If you are someone who 'needs to be needed' in order to have a relationship and don't want this to happen again, you might check out the many online resources on codependency. Whatever, we can never 'fix' another person - though many will work themselves into a state of despair trying.

 

This hits the nail on the head. I tried to fix my ex and make her more available and open so she would love me... so in turn I'd be get the love I needed and my self worth would be validated. She wanted the love I offered her so she could fix something about herself and also she most likely felt she could hide her unavailability behind my outward display of emotion. In essence she wouldn't have to change herself consciously even though subconsciously she wanted to. Total nightmare. Though she doesnt quite see it and thats a hard one to swallow when you are in recovery from co-dependency and hoping to work it out. Which i'm not anymore.

 

Where is Atelis when you need him?

 

Try this website..

 

link removed

 

The page on letting go of unavailable partners is quite an eye-opener.

[Ms Darcy]

Here is what you said in another thread.

 

"I think you are right, it really was. We are both very different people. She is an introvert, not very outgoing, controlling, (almost like a dude when it comes to emotion) and I am sort of opposite, I am an extrovert, very outgoing, I love people and very emotional (not Gay, just passionate about life and people ) accommodating, and border line co-dependent so from my experience when looking outside at other relationships is pretty much the standard in relationships. Opposites attract."

 

It may well help you to look up info about codependence as others suggest. But don't forget you were also emotionally absent for a few years too.

[HeartBrokn]

Here is what you said in another thread.

 

"I think you are right, it really was. We are both very different people. She is an introvert, not very outgoing, controlling, (almost like a dude when it comes to emotion) and I am sort of opposite, I am an extrovert, very outgoing, I love people and very emotional (not Gay, just passionate about life and people ) accommodating, and border line co-dependent so from my experience when looking outside at other relationships is pretty much the standard in relationships. Opposites attract."

 

It may well help you to look up info about codependence as others suggest. But don't forget you were also emotionally absent for a few years too.

 

Here is the problem with labeling someone with codependency. Although I did suggest it, I meant that I lean towards that, over an opposite of codependency. When someone is unavailable in a relationship it makes the other person seek that person out even more, especially if they love and care for each other. I don't mind if she does her own things, I don't mind that both of us have friends and do things apart. The problem comes when we don't do anything together!

 

That right there is a problem so over time it sends messages that she really doesn't care about me or she doesn't care to strengthen our bond. How do you have a close relationship that is tight if you don't maintain it?

 

The whole fixing issue in the relationship, it's not that I was getting my jollies about trying to fix her. It had nothing to do with that. I might have been the positive, happy person when we met, but that doesn't mean that I wanted to all of a sudden become miserable by fixing her. That does not make any sense to me as the other user suggested.

 

These forums are great, to share ideas, suggestions and stories but unfortunately 10 year relationship can never be explained over a few threads. There are way too many complexities that I can talk about, and the issues I do talk about always seem to lack a full story.

[Ms Darcy]

Here is the problem with labeling someone with codependency. Although I did suggest it, I meant that I lean towards that, over an opposite of codependency.

 

***

 

The whole fixing issue in the relationship, it's not that I was getting my jollies about trying to fix her. It had nothing to do with that. I might have been the positive, happy person when we met, but that doesn't mean that I wanted to all of a sudden become miserable by fixing her. That does not make any sense to me as the other user suggested.

 

These forums are great, to share ideas, suggestions and stories but unfortunately 10 year relationship can never be explained over a few threads. There are way too many complexities that I can talk about, and the issues I do talk about always seem to lack a full story.

 

I have noticed that when you get feedback you don't like, then the response is well you don't have the whole story. Of course we don't.

 

I'm not labeling you as codependent. I simply quoted what you said and suggested that looking up codependence isn't a bad idea even though emotional absence is a part of the equation too. I think what's challenging about my feedback is that I am not always going to agree with self-assessments. Sometimes people will challenge and encourage other considerations other than that it's your wife fault, that she's selfish, that she's leaving only because she lost the spark, that she turned you into a jerk etc etc.

 

If you are not in a place to hear it, then I would reconsider exposing yourself to a public forum.

[HeartBrokn]

I have noticed that when you get feedback you don't like, then the response is well you don't have the whole story. Of course we don't.

 

I'm not labeling you as codependent. I simply quoted what you said and suggested that looking up codependence isn't a bad idea even though emotional absence is a part of the equation too. I think what's challenging about my feedback is that I am not always going to agree with self-assessments. Sometimes people will challenge and encourage other considerations other than that it's your wife fault, that she's selfish, that she's leaving only because she lost the spark, that she turned you into a jerk etc etc.

 

If you are not in a place to hear it, then I would reconsider exposing yourself to a public forum.

 

No and No, it has nothing to do with me not liking the answer, suggestion and telling someone what the problem are two different things. Telling someone what the problem is, is what YOU are doing. When I give advice on this site to people I give my opinion usually from my experience and I merely suggest what I would do. You on the other hand are labeling the issue approaching it through black and white point of view. I didn't come on this site to get people to say my wife is a "jerk" you are the one that said I did. I came here to ask what other people are dealing with in similar situations. Although, you seem like you read past posts and try to formulate the best answer, you are still trying to find some sort of a shared fault in a relationship. Sometimes it's not, oh yeah they are both at fault because it is politically correct. In my situation it was lop sided from beginning and sometimes people put up with it for a long time until they start getting fed up and reacting to the strain. I don't believe in divorce so I put up with it. You sound like you just walk away when things don't go right, that’s not me or what I do.

[Ms Darcy]

You sound like you just walk away when things don't go right, that’s not me or what I do.

 

I can actually empathize with where you are coming from, believe it or not. When my guy and I first got together, it was tough. At the time, he was very needy, clinically depressed, broke, virtually homeless, divorced with child support, and on the ropes with his job etc. Every bit of major advice I got was to walk away except for DN. DN and I do not always agree, but he really challenged me to see what I was doing and could do to help the situation and I appreciated that. And since we've communicated more openly, it's been a relationship 360.

 

I don't walk away until I feel there is no other option. You have come to a conclusion based on no evidence but instead of trying to rip you a new one, I am just sharing evidence that is to the contrary to help you understand a different point of view. That's all we can do. No, I don't walk away until I feel there is no other option but I also don't fault anyone for doing so either.

 

The precise reason I quoted myself is to show you what I did and did not say. I did not say that you came on here to get people to say that your wife is a jerk or anything and I did not call you codepenedent I just quoted when you used the term to describe yourself. I share my opinions and will not stop because it threatens some people. You will find all over this board people sharing what they think a problem is and what a solution is and again I say if you don't like it ... well, what you do with that is up to you.

 

And in my opinion, you are telling me I am approaching things in "black and white" by suggesting that there is a "shared fault" in divorce, which you yourself acknoweledged in posts from last year. Really, it is not my situation. I'm not the one who was left by a spouse and has two kids that are very likely not going to be in my life in the same way anymore. You have to live with that knowing that they are going to suffer and that you are going to suffer too. This is true. I only share my thoughts because of my genuine belief that one of the biggest killers in healing is anger - anger at the lack of power one now has for being abandoned. I saw that in my partner and my sister's ex. You forget that I said in my posts that neither one of you are the bad guy, that you were both young and didn't have the skills to deal with the pain. So if it makes me a black and white thinker to believe that you both had and have some lessons to learn, that you both can heal and forgive so that you can cooperate for the sake of the kids, so that you can let go of the anger and find a love more suited to you one day then by goodness so be it.

 

Good day.