feel so numb

[Delaurence23]

for the past 2 years i have dealt with nothing but pain

please do not be like everyone else and say that time will heal

because ive been suffering everyday, everynight and every second since this has started

i see no point in going on, i feel like there is no reason to live anymore

wait no im sorry ive never felt like living at all

i feel so cold even on the warmest of days

my lungs are filled with suffering and i hurt so bad

i had one thing that kept me going

that was my girlfend, and when i needed her the most in my time of need

before death

she abandoned me because of my problems

ive been searching for a reason to help myself, to get better

but nothing works

ive been over suicide over and over again

ive taken more pills than i can even count, cut so deep that i saw flesh peel off

 

IM SO EMPTY

THIS MUST BE TIME....

[Michael2]

How old are you so others on this board can attempt to relate to your situation?

[Scout]

That much pain, for such a long period of time - well, without knowing that much about you, I have to tell you I think therapy and medication would vastly alleviate your depression. You should give it some serious thought, because there truly is beauty and happiness that can be found in this world. This board is a perfect example. Hundreds of strangers from all over the world taking the time to help each other out as we sort through our pains and disapppointments. Please know that it's here to support you, too. Don't give up!

[Mar]

I sympathize with your pain and your suffering. I've been there myself, when there wasn't a last outlet to seemingly turn to to alleviate that pain and that loneliness and depression, but I found one. Can I ask what's causing this depression/pain?

 

I have to stress, though-there is ALWAYS a point to going on. That's what life is about. Can you see/predict the future? Of course not. Wouldn't it be great if we could? (Possibly not, but I tend to be more optimistic.) When I hit my "greatest slump", where I was at the point you're at, I was THIS close to just completely giving up and saying, "*insert swear here* this, I'm SO done with this." But then I thought about it, as the moment came closer and closer, and realized that I didn't know the future, didn't know what it had in store for me. Yeah, up till then, life'd been pretty crappy......but I also prided myself on the fact that I wasn't weak and had dealt with it so far, and actually had it pretty good compared to other people when I put my life into perspective. Sure, I had no friends/no job prospects/no place of my own/etc. etc.-but I had a home to come to, I had food I could eat, I had intelligence to rationalize what I was going through, I had all limbs to carry me away to a different place for a little while if I needed to get away, and I had one great friend that was always, always willing to listen, even if I didn't feel like talking.

 

You see what I'm saying here? I realized that I had NO clue what the future was going to hold, and taking that final step to oblivion wasn't going to do a damn bit of good for me because "what if" that big chance to change/become something different was around the corner? Sure as hell, it was. No, there wasn't any great, grand change.....but I got a new, better job, a new apartment, reconnected with friends I thought I'd lost, and met someone who finally loved me for ME. And I had pride enough to be proud of myself that I didn't wuss out and miss that chance, since I was SO damn young and had no clue what the future, years and years, held for me.

 

THAT'S WHAT I'LL IMPRESS UPON YOU. I don't know how old you are, or what you've gone through. But you've found a site that understands what you feel, TRULY understands, regardless of age, and doesn't just make the noises saying they do. A lot of us have been there, and still are, and are working our way out of it, one way or another.

 

Don't give up. Talk to us instead. Let us know what's bothering you, what's been going on that last 2 years to make you feel this way. There IS help, you just have to ask for it and reach out a little. It doesn't matter how much money you have, where you live, whatever-there is help. Let us give it to you.

 

 

Mar

[AnotherChick]

Well, the thing to realize is that you are not trailblazing here. This is your own story, but others have lived it too.

 

When I was much younger, I was much like what you describe in yourself. I'm not trying to downplay your feelings at all. I'm just saying you aren't alone with these thoughts. They are good or healthy or even normal, but others have been there and done that. Absorbing that concept has helped me immensely. Don't apply it to your suicidal thoughts, but apply it to what is bugging you.

 

Example: my girlfriend left when I needed her.

Applied Logic: Thank goodness I'm not the first schmo to date a cold shrew.

 

Another Example: my parents think I'm a failure.

Applied Logic: grandma & grandpa would like to point out paybacks are a b***h

 

I don't really know how old you are, so I'm stabbing in the dark at examples that apply.

 

My personal experience:

I'm done. No one cares. I don't care. I don't have the urge to bother anyone with my whining. I'm taking this whole bottle.

Applied logic: God said "No.", so I'm going to continue to make the best of this world.

 

And I have. You can too.

[Archith]

You are not alone in your suffering...but you don't have to suffer any more!..Read "Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Eckhart was on the brink of suicide when something miraculous happened..he got enlightened!! There is a whole chapter called "Consciousness Way Out of Pain". A para from the chapter:

"The pain that you create now is always some form of nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what 'is'. The intensity of pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment, and this in turn depends on how strongly you are identified with your mind. The mind always seeks to deny the NOW(the present moment) and to escape from it".

So Delaurence, more time is NOT going to solve anything..just live in the present moment...the past is only a memory trace and the future is always going to unfold as the Now. You also need to understand how your mind - the 'voice' in your head always "comments, speculates, judges, compares, complains, likes, dislikes and so on. The voice isn't necessarily relevant to the situation you find yourself in at the time; it may be reviving the recent or distant past and rehearsing or imagining possible future situations. Here it often imagines things going wrong and negative outcomes: this is called worry. Sometimes this soundtrack is accompanied by visual images or "mental movies" ".(from the book)

Dear Delaurence...you are Not your mind..the voice in your head.

If you find some truth to what has been said above..read the book.

 

Cheers...

Archith

[dictatario]

Well, my whole entire life has been crap and I am 23 now. Every single one of my few moments of positivity and hope has then been marred when my dreams have been shattered just days later, so I have no hope and nothing to feel optimistic or hopeful about. BUT I am still here; for some odd reason.

[gizza]

i hurts bad , i dont know whether i'll get throught it , i fall asleep thinkinking of my suicide notes & reherse who will get a note , the thing with all this positive thinking , which is the way forward i agree , but the past has happened its not all inthe mind , if your girlfriends lied & been unfaithfull what positive thinking can change the facts? i can see its about the spin we put on things , my girlfriends been unfaithful i'm better off without her ( positive) but then thats happened in real life not your mind . SO the next relationship if there is one will have that to deal with which will put pressure on that etc etc i try to do the futures not written in my head & sometimes it works for an hour or so but it dont fix reality does it , it fixes your mind set for a brief period of time & reality hits you .

 

i have no great wisdom its just ******** hard , life is ******* hard and we cope until we cant cope anymore . i guess the fact that im typing this says i can still cope & the fact that you have done the same says you can cope too .

[dpressedone89]

I know that feeling i have had it to the point that i cut my wrist four times and couldn't feel it if you meant physical numbness if your talking mental numbness my best friend killed himself and i didn't even cry its so scary

i hate that feel thats one of the reasons i cut myself find a gf or hobbie but

DONT CUT YOUR SELF!!!!

[Shinobie]

Right now hasnt been to bad for me but things will look up man.I always go through that stuff and like theres been many times where ifelt like i was so close to trying to commit suicide but i stepped back away and said no.Im going through depressed feeloigs again and getting farther and farther down like before but imma try to get back up and try to be happy just try that man things should look up.